I Don't Believe, But...

My friends - male and female - are trying to attack every other problem in my life by trying to toss me back into the dating pool. One problem with is that I am still (legally) married. Another problem is, I hate, hate, hate dating. I kind of think the reason I've married is that it puts dating out of the picture. Being married but separated doesn't keep my friends from trying to get rid of that safety net. Bless them all, they just have the wrong idea of what I want in a man. One friend  wanted to me to go on one of those dating websites. Her suggested profile wording made me sound like a retired show dog:

Fun, unpredictable and mature - yet youthful at heart. Smart, sweet, adventurous and still in fine shape.

Really, bitch?

Another (better) girlfriend has come close to getting my attention, but she did it with astrology, which I don't really want to believe in. (Although, I think that when Linda Goodman wrote her books, she used me as her model for the Cancer woman. It shouldn't even be called the sign of Cancer. Everyone should just call it by my name.)

All kidding aside, I pretended not to be interested when my buddy, T.L., kept throwing stuff from this website at me. If I have to tell the truth though, I almost wanted to go hunting for the nearest available Taurus male when I read what a match with one could be like. I swear, I think I went into heat or something. Or maybe it was just a hot flash. Either way, hormones were involved.

Here's the thing about being 50, female and single: guys I like are not single (or always sane). Guys I don't like are pushy and rude in approaching me. Guys I know nothing about act either scared to approach or they are so busy looking at their own reflections to notice anyone else. I guess I haven't run into an eligible Taurus (or Virgo or Scorpio or, possibly, Pisces) yet. Not that I want to have to go through the entire zodiac line-up to find happiness, but... It's either start selecting guys by their birthdays or I might be single forever. I thought once of trying women, but, with my luck, I'd get the  one who'd want to beat my ass or ruin what's left of my credit. Besides, I'm pretty much strictly dickly, to put it crudely.

Apparently, the Cancer woman is a real pain in the ass for most men! I've always known that that's probably true, but... It's not like I don't hope that there is at least one man out there who thinks I'm worth the trouble. (My guy friend, Perry, explained that if I were a car, I'd I'd be worth the price, but he's not that rich. Is he trying to say I'm high maintenance? Smart ass.)

Peace
--Free

Cancerians

**Insomnia is visiting tonight. My mind is personality traits (mine). Thought I'd re-post a favorite.**



I know that I am not supposed to be into astrological signs. At least, that's what I was raised to believe as a Pentecostal. (I am pretty sure that if I look hard enough, there are posts here against astrology.)

But.

I was on G+ earlier and got all excited because I thought I was about to Add a fellow Cancerian. I was wrong. but... My mind is all on the astrological now.

Maybe there really is nothing meaningful to do with stars and moons and all that when it comes to personalities - in which case, I am just weird. I think there is something to it all, though. I so fit the general ideas about what it is to be a Cancer. According to one site, my strengths and weaknesses are:

Strengths	Weaknesses
Adaptable	Moody
Loyal	Sensitive
Attached to family	Emotional
Empathetic	May be indecisive at times

(Laziness should be on the list since I just straight copied and pasted that!)

But, damn! That is all so me. Except for that whole being adaptable thing. Nope. I do not like change. Otherwise, I really am a crab. For one thing, come at me the wrong way and I will crawl right into my little shell and just shut you the hell out. For years! (But I will remember how I care about you and let you back in. Damnit.)

So, is it really all about a birth sign, or is it that we all share the same traits? Someone once told me that Astro-signs are b.s. and that you can apply the same traits to a Leo as you can to a Cancer. Personally, I don't believe that. For one thing, I was married to a Leo who is batshit crazy, but who had a Leo sister who was only half as crazy. Tell you what: thee Leos I've known can be some cold-hearted folks - only in my opinion, of course...

In search of Cancerian me, I went over to my online mentor (Wikipedia) only to be a little disappointed.

Wiki got my Characteristics and Relationships down perfectly, but I don't know where the hell they were going with Occupations. I can't stand the sight of anyone sick or bleeding, I kill plants just by walking near them, and I hate real estate with a passion I can't begin to describe. (And trust me on the real estate crap; I have a Broker brother and an Agent niece. I never again want to see a piece of HUD paperwork as long as I live.)

What else?

I hate my official birthstone (or maybe I've never seen a good cut) and always choose pearl instead. Never noticed before, but I can get down with the moonstone. Silver is my favorite metal - but I look like a black Popsicle if I wear orange or silver clothing. White clothes? Yeah, I can do white, of course. Most dark-skinned folks do white beautifully. This is why people who tan wear white.

Hmm... So.

Back over to the site that got my Strengths and Weaknesses so right.

This one gets me better. Except for the one part about my not taking revenge. That's only sort of true. I won't actually do anything to someone who hurts me, but my therapy is to spend hours just thinking of how I could get  them back. I've gone all Wile E. Coyote before - drawing out detailed plans...

I almost choked when I read that part about the making and maintaining wealth. First, I thought, "Hah! Not this kid." Then I remembered that for years I did help raise, feed and shelter four kids who are not my own. Looking back I have no idea how I managed that, but there you go.

The most Cancer thing about me? I guess it's that I have emotional amnesia. If you are ever my true friend, you are always my friend, no matter what.

Peace
--Free

**Earlier tonight, I found a site exploring the more sensual traits of the different signs. My roomie & I are both Cancerian, and only a week apart by birth date  This site got it mostly right about me but not for my friend. (Weird, right?) Their mention of water as my "element" made me laugh. Me, the chick afraid of anything wet and deeper than a puddle! But I love that it has all my best traits defined so well. Hell, I'm thinking of printing this crap to hand out to prospective partners, therapists and correctional officers! The bad thing? It has my best "partners" all wrong. There is no freaking way that a Leo should be in my orbit (although seducing a Scorpio sounds hot). Maybe it's wasn't about being a Leo with T**; maybe that was about him being an asshole and me being stupid. Anyway... Since I'm awake and it's 3 in the morning, maybe I will go and check out more on those Scorpios.** Peace.

Handbasket Reservations

I'm going to hell, y'all.

I've been bad & I don't mean in that "naughty" way that guys like to hear described in detail over wine and soft music. I'm mean bad as in doing something my pastor would have a fit over if he knew about it. I'd be getting dunked in holy water and olive oil like that kid in "The Good Son" needed to be. Well, I would be if my pastor remembered me. I haven't been to church in so long, I'd need to Mapquest my way there.

See? Hell. I'm going to hell. And with my luck, the handbasket will probably be coach or steerage.

It's been a long while since I've been to church, but I was raised there. Matter of fact, when I was growing up, my mother had us in church so much we should have been paying rent. Bible Study, choir practice, YPWW, Sunshine Band, Tuesday Prayer Meeting, Thursday Night Worship... Don't even get me started on what Sundays were like. We were there at 9 o'clock (8 o'clock until Mama let me outgrow Sunday School), and the sign outside said "Morning Worship 9 - 10:30. That must have been there just to lure in unsuspecting newcomers. There was NEVER - not once in at least 4 years - a service that ended at 10:30 (not in the morning anyway). If we were lucky, we might actually stand to say the closing prayer at around, oh... 11:00...11:15... And every time we made it to the "Amen" and I felt my hopes rising - every. single. time. - Sister Somebody or Brother So-N-So would get a hit of the Holy Ghost. Usually it was this one lady - Sister Euletta Walton was her name. I'd be standing there, one eye shut for the prayer, the other one checking the nearest exit, and then I'd hear it: "Mmmmm..." Sister Walton would start humming. I'd go on and open my other eye and look over at my cousin. She'd sigh, shake her head, and we'd both sit back down. Might as well. Once somebody started humming, moaning, rocking, or swaying their hands in the air, it was on then.

The pastor's son (Sam), who played the organ, would get that glint in his eyes. Now, this boy was so ugly that he should have pitched a tent and charged admission, but he could rock that organ like Larry Dunn used to do for Earth, Wind & Fire.

The only reason Sam recovered from his Saturday night drunken comas and made it to church was so he could teach that organ new tricks. His favorite part of the service was at the almost closing. You know - when somebody (like Sister Walton) got that hum going? Sam told my other cousin that he knew just which note to hit at just the right time to get some shouting started. (He told Peaches this while I stood lookout so they could smoke cigarettes out behind the church.)

Sure enough, one sister or brother would start a hum going and another sister or brother would join in. Sam would pick the right moment to ease in a few random notes, then - when the timing was just right - he'd hit a high note. Just something kind of bluesy like to send a little thrill down the hairs on your neck.

At that point, you might as well forget going home. Evening services started at 6.

I stopped going to church when I stopped living at home. My mother never criticized my decision, but she'd drop "subtle" hints whenever she could. I would go by every couple of weeks to have dinner and she would make the grace into a ten-minute prayer for the salvation of my hell-bound soul. After she'd said "Amen," she would urge me to heap up on collard greens like she hadn't just scared me out of an appetite.

My mother passed away five years ago. I'd give just about anything for one of her dinnertime prayers now.

So, If you couldn't tell by now, I was raised among folk who other people called "Holy Rollers" and "Charismatics." In our church, it was easier to list things that weren't sins than to list what was.

Sins:

Secular music, dancing and singing, cussing, smoking, drinking, playing cards. Women had a few others: wearing pants, makeup, nail polish, skirts above the knees, elaborate hairstyles.

I think that whoever came up with the Sin List just copied another list called "Anything That Might Possibly Be Even Remotely Halfway Fun." The other things on the list came straight out of the Bible as read by the pastor. One of the big no-no's was astrology or horoscopes. This was not something you messed with if you didn't want the pastor to have to perform your excorcism.

Now, I've done my share of everthing on the "Sin List" (except for singing because, well... I can't), but until about a year ago, I never even paid attention to astrology. Until a friend of mine pointed out to me that I am "such a Cancer." She said, "You're so Cancer, the symbol should be a picture of you, not a crab."

Yeah. Right. Sure. Uh huh.

My friend brought over a copy of Linda Goodman's Sun Signs. She'd bookmarked the sections for Cancers.

I ignored it.

It was laying there on my coffee table for three weeks.

I dusted around it. Stacked mail on top. Hid late bills underneath.

My friend came by one day and put the book on my night table.

I hid it behind the lamp.

Then...

I think I had to take a peek - just so I could prove to myself that horoscopes are nothing but generic personality profiles. Then I could go back and tell my friend that she was wrong. But...Wow.

I am SO a Cancer. The generic profile thing just doesn't pardon how exactly that book describes my personality. Not only am I a true Cancer, but one friend of mine is a definite Virgo. This guy I dated a while back is Gemini to his soul, and I KNOW that my GWA is a Taurus...

Now, I wanted to toss the book out with the trash. Then I could find a church and convince a minister to bless and pray for me, but... I'm going to hang on for a minute. I need this book just for a little while longer. You know - for purposes of future reference when dating...

--Free

My words for the day:

"Thank God that forgiveness is not what we do, but what we are given." (Free 2/2006)

Music I'm listening to:

Rolling Stones - "Beast of Burden"

INXS - "Live, Baby, Live!"