**CROSS POST** A Sense of Wonder

Warning: this is one of my posts from my blog about faith. Non-believers may want to exit now. 

This is one of those Does Anyone Else? posts. So... Does anyone else sometimes just sit and wonder what Heaven is like?

This is a frequent pastime of mine. Reading certain passages of the Bible can set off one of these musings, or thinking about a loved one who has died. Thinking about my own mortality is another fuse that lights my wonderings.

My best friend is currently not just "not doing well" but at the "may not make it" stage of her being ill. One morning last week, when I got the news from the family of her recent trip to the emergency room, I was sad for the rest of the day. I couldn't do anything but think of my own potential loss. I've already lost my only biological sister and now I was losing the person I call my "sister of the heart". 

I will miss her so much when she is gone. I will have no one like her to call and tell things that I could only tell her or my later sister. I will not get the phone calls and messages and support of this amazing woman who has been my friend for almost 30 years. I will be so much sadder and lonelier in this world for the loss of her.

Yeah. I spent almost an entire day in the I-zone of misery.

Then, because my Bible reading plan has me in parts of the books of Corinthians, I remembered the verses we inserted into my mother's obituary:

For we know that if our earthly tent which is our house is torn down, we have a building from God, a house not made by hands, eternal in the heavens. For indeed, in this tent we groan, longing to be clothed with our dwelling from heaven, since in fact after putting it on, we will not be found naked. For indeed, we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, because we do not want to be unclothed but to be clothed, so that what is mortal will be swallowed up by life. Now He who prepared us for this very purpose is God, who gave us the Spirit as a pledge. (2 Corinthians 5:1-5 NASB)

Yes. That part, as the kids now say.

Once I re-read the passage, I stopped the tears. I began to think of how happy my sister-friend is going to be when she steps out of the pain of her earthly tent and into the joy and peace of her heavenly existence.  And then, I went on to muse about her being there in Heaven.

Will she meet my mother and sister again? Will they recognize each other? And will it matter to them in Heaven who they once were on this earth?

I like to try to imagine an existence without the sins and temptations of mortal life. What must it be like to have no social, mental, emotional, or physical ailments to deal with?

If this is what we mortals can imagine, 
just think what God has prepared.

The other side of thinking about Heaven and what it will be like, always makes me appreciate salvation. I think that the greatest joy of Heaven will be being with the Father, meeting Jesus face to face. And the worst of Hell is being forever not in the presence of our Lord.

So, I can never lose this wonder I have about Heaven. I know that my human mind cannot come close to imagining what it is going to be like but it's a comfort to me when I think of my sister leaving here for there.

Peace

--Free

COVID, Science, Peace & Faith

I am having a night of insomnia. At least it's not wasted. While sitting up, I found something that I wanted to share from YouTube. 

This video is a reminder to me that 1) God is in charge, 2) Anything can create panic if we allow it, 3) COVID is not the only health issue to exist.

Like many Christians, I have struggled not to give in to fear and panic during this whole COVID situation. Because I have a fairly serious existing health condition, I sometimes let myself get caught up in the panic and madness that is 2020-2021. Listening to someone I respect as a fellow Christian speak on this subject has been helpful. And I am reminded that prayer is my best defense in anything.

For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. (2 Corinthians 5:1 KJV)

So, just to reiterate...

By the way, Dr. Lisle is featured in several YouTube videos discussing God and science. He and the late Chuck Missler are favorite speakers of mine and I am glad for the videos preserving their talks.

Peace

--Free

Benefits of Belief

 I usually put my Christian-themed posts on my Free & Faith blog, but I wanted to share this one here.

Recently, I published this on Free & Faith. It's basically about how people will believe in all sorts of silly and unfounded things while rejecting God. The better part of me prays for those people who reject God but... 

There is a part of my personality that is still under construction. As some people joke: God is still working on me. When I get annoyed or angry or have to deal with the supreme hatred of people, all I can think is that they better be glad that I believe in God. They better be glad that I'm not who I used to be.

Years ago, I was not a nice person. I mean, I was nice but I could go from nice to not-nice in the space of a heartbeat. I had a terrible temper and (I'm so ashamed to admit this now) I had a habit of slapping people. 

The fact that someone didn't beat my little then-narrow behind into a new reality is proof that God has always been watching over me. I was all of not quite a hundred pounds and thought that the universe revolved around my emotions. I ticked a lot of the boxes listed in Proverbs 6:16-19:

I quit counting after I hit on 4. Oh boy.

Not only was I a sometimes-awful person but I was also occasionally naive. As mean as I could be I did have a soft side and was incredibly trusting. I don't want to think back on how many times I could have been abducted or raped or even killed because of the situations I put myself in. I was (still am) a lightweight drinker and would be falling-down drunk after a couple of moderately strong drinks. I remember times that (and yes, I am VERY ashamed to admit this) rode with drunk drivers or fell asleep passed out in the back of a car parked in front of our house. 

A few years ago, I saw this image and laughed so hard I got hoarse.

But, all kidding done with, I know that God was looking over me. I have struggled with depression all my life and there were times when I really thought about ways to end my life. I was just too chicken to die. Now that I am saved, I am not afraid to die but I always say "it's not being dead that scares me but getting dead". Before I came to Christ, I was too stupid to be afraid of being dead.

So, there are benefits to belief. There is a poem by a woman named Carol Wimmer. I know nothing about her or her definitive beliefs but I feel like her words capture perfectly what so many Christians want to convey. I thank her for the beautiful poem. I will leave you with her words and hope they give you insight into the Christians in your life.

Peace

--Free

Faith & Storms

Since I had my meltdown the other day, I am feeling better. I did a lot of praying after I finished that crazed, angry, and ranting post. My body started to feel better several hours after my infusion. I thought about deleting that post but decided to leave it up because of this one. Maybe it will help someone else to see the pair of them so they know that even severe "storms" pass over if we just give it time.

The first thought that came into my mind once I started feeling better was a self-rebuking "How dare you?" Seriously, who am I to feel sorry for myself? There are people in the world who would give everything to be at my lowest. I am a spoiled, first-world, insufferable jerk sometimes.

While at infusion, I see people who are dealing with diseases that make mine look like a bad cold. I'm not exaggerating. There was a 20-ish-looking guy in the ward who is fighting something that requires an infusion of meds so powerful that his chair is damn near sealed off from the rest of us - and there are chemo patients there. He was with a sweet-faced child-woman who looked younger than he did. She was wearing a wedding band and that just about broke my heart. Can you even imagine their struggle? Back in Anchorage, one of my doctors was treating children.  Those babies probably have never known a normal childhood but... here's me, drowning in tears for myself instead of praying for those people. Instead of being thankful.

Now that I am thinking more clearly, I don't know where I get the nerve to sit on my pity pot for even five minutes. Yes, I have to deal with a very inconvenient illness and I do wish I could turn back the clock to a time before all this, but I can't. This is called life. Life is not scripted to have something wonderful happen every 30 minutes. Life can be sad and disappointing and a struggle. And this is where my faith comes in.

For people who don't understand why I believe in a real and definite and specific God, I have to tell you that I don't understand your disbelief - or your ambivalence. And if you aren't in the mood to think about your position on the subject, just stop reading right now because I feel another rant coming on.

What does this mean?

I can understand how someone could want to not believe in God. I can understand how someone believes but has decided to rebel against God. What I cannot understand is how someone questions that there is God.

I've had people tell me that my faith is blind and ignorant and born out of fear and tradition. They are wrong. I would have to be willfully ignorant to believe that there is no God.

Some people like to say that they don't believe in what they can't experience with the 5 senses. I always want to remind them of the miracle that we are beings with those senses. Where did it come from that we exist as intricately made as we are?

And, by the way, I do experience God with my senses. If you can't understand how awesome I find the sight and sound of the natural world, then just stop and think about it for a moment. Just the fact that we have those senses - along with the ability to taste and touch and smell - that alone is pretty miraculous.

Dr. Hugh Ross - an astronomer and astrophysicist - explained in the simplest way what is so frightening to a lot of people (especially other scientists) to consider: "If there was a beginning, there is a Beginner."

Dr. Ross is obviously an intelligent man who has studied and theorized about things that I can't even pronounce. But all I need to do is open my eyes and look around to see "that the Heavens testify to the existence of a Creator". I can't even consider the beauty and complexity of life without considering God. There are resources for anyone wondering about the argument for God from different stances.

As advanced as man has become, he cannot create from nothing. He himself is a created being. All his greatness of mind comes from the DNA that he is. All that he discovers is from what already is. Man did not create himself or speak everything else into existence. God did.

When I think of where the first breath of man came from, I think of beginnings. When I think of time and dimensions - seen and unseen - I think of God. I cannot imagine the unfathomable intricacies of all that is woven together to create everything that is without considering God. How can you?

And, of course, there is suffering and grief and pain that we put up as arguments against there being a "just and good" God. What we don't think about is we're not just told: "There is God" period. We are actually given more information. An intelligent person will consider all the information. There's a guy named Lee Strobel who started out as an atheist but used his skills as an investigative journalist to consider the information. His goal was to disprove the existence of God. He came to believe. C.S. Lewis was reared as a Christian (that traditional thing), became an atheist, and came to believe - this time not blindly.

So, I don't need to have as much faith to believe in God as someone does to disbelieve. My faith is to help me understand and/or trust in God through my human condition. As I suffer depression and physical illness, I have to trust that God has not forsaken me.

Belief is easy; faith is hard but they go hand in hand.

Here is a quote (from an unlikely source for a Christian) that I thought about as I was writing this post:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. 

If you are anxious you are living in the future. 

If you are at peace you are living in the present.” (Lao Tzu)

The Bible puts it this way:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:34)

Faith is about living in the present because you know what the endgame is about.

Peace
--Free

The Opposite of Love?

For some reason, my sister has been on my mind more than usual these past few days. Ordinarily, I think of her most often on the anniversaries of her birth and passing. Sometimes, I get in a mood and will start looking at old photos, then memories of her flood my heart. But these past three or four days, she has been popping up in my mind. Her smile, her laugh, or the way she would suck her teeth right before she was going to say something funny.

While thinking of my sister, I always remember how loving she was. Along with my mother, she was the comfort of the family. Her children, her nieces and her nephews, her friends' kids - they all experienced the healing power of my sister's hugs. She gave the best hugs.

Something dawned on me while my sister was on my mind this week. It was about the meaning of family love and friendship love. I realized that there is no power in the word 'love' - people have tossed that word around so much that it's beginning to lose impact. The power of the word is in the person offering it up. Scripture tells us that "Death and life are in the power of the tongue". I knew that passage but I have only just now been thinking deeply about it.

When my sister gave you love, she did it with compassion and a pure heart. She patiently listened to your problems or waited out your anger or just soothed you through your fears. And she never seemed to want anything in return. She did get love reciprocated but that was never her goal. What I realized too late in her life was that sometimes we were all too busy depending on her to let her lean on us. I hope she did know how much we all loved her back. She taught us all so much about standing strong. She taught us all so much about everything. Because of her, I have finally realized something important about life and love. So she is still teaching me! It's as though I got to have a little Bible study with her again.

What I have come to fully understand is that love means nothing without truth and sacrifice. The opposite of love is pride. Love - true and real love - is giving, honest, open and willing. Love shines outward and pride radiates inward.

Peace
--Free

Back to Church

I can't remember (and don't have the patience to check) whether or not I have ever posted here about why I left the Pentecostal church. Basically, it was all about that church being a legalistic man-based religion instead of being Bible-based and God-led. The church I grew up in worried more about a person's outer appearance than they did the inner heart. And they really loved to pick and choose which parts of Jesus' teachings to follow.

Anyway.

One thing I did always love about the church services of my youth was the music. There is no Broadway production that can beat a Sunday service at the right church. When the preacher finishes performing, then comes the choir with its musicians.

I have always had a hard time explaining to people what the music was like in the church I grew up in. Then I found this video. It took me back 45 years and sat me down in a pew in Big Spring, Texas just like I never left.

This is why some church services lasted well into the night. Just when you thought you were going to be dismissed and get to go home, someone on the keyboard or drums would get inspired to hit one more note and then someone else would start to get "happy" and we'd be back into another round of singing and shouting. I got used to being in church and banging a tambourine until as late as ten o'clock on a school night.

Say what you want about all the stuff that's just wrong about the "Holiness" church, you can't badmouth the musical talent.

My ex and his cousins were the musicians in our church and their talent was just astounding. My ex is the best musician I know. He grew up in church and around all that great music. Too bad that growing up around all the preaching didn't rub off on his behavior as a human being.

I want to mention that not all people associated with the church were bad. There were a lot of good, well-meaning and true-hearted Christians who attended. Just like in the rest of the world though, it's easier to focus on and criticize the worst of the bunch.

Peace
--Free

All That We Are

So, I was in one of my moods the other night after taking my injection. Since the most I can do on those days in lay down and try not to be nauseous and achy (think of the mild flu), I tend to do a lot of thinking. For some reason on this day, I went way deeper than I usually do when I don't feel well.

What I started out thinking was that we as humans don't often realize just how much more we are than flesh and blood. (And I have no idea how that sentence sounds because I'm foggy today so bear with me.) We tend to our flesh - with food and drink and sex and drugs and all the emotions we can muster up - but do we pay enough attention to the rest of what we are?

By the way, when I was looking for an image to post here, this perfectly suitable one popped up on Pinterest:

I personally think of my body as being only maybe ten percent of who and what I am. The body is what you see, but my mind and soul and thoughts and inner mystery is the most significant part. The body is just a vessel - convenient but overrated. The body is really the part of us that causes our sorrows - or most of them. It's the keeper of our health and our sins and our weapon of negative actions.

A quote that I always loved - though I misunderstood and wrongly attributed to C.S. Lewis - goes something like this:

You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.

While I get that the theology of the statement is a little crooked, I still like the core of what it means to me. I realize that I am a body imbued with a soul and, thankfully also the Spirit indwelling. What the quotation means to my train of thought though is that we don't think as much as we should about our souls. Our neglect of the soul is the root of so many troubles.

I think that when people say that they can "sense" something good or bad about a person, what they are feeling is the character of that person's soul. Often, when I meet someone, I will feel something really positive or really negative vibing between us. They can be a completely decent person who I just get a bad feeling about or a seemingly horrible person who I feel safe with. I've been wrong at times of course, but a lot of the time, I'm proved right. Also, I can meet someone and just know that I want them in my life. That's how I met my best friend.

The world - or rather, society and its norms - have trained us to be more aware of and to react more to people based on having (or lacking) so-called good looks, success, charisma, or the 'It' factor. I believe this is how we made bad choices in friends, relationships, and safety. There are murderers who have charm and looks. There are great-looking people who will ruin your life if they get a chance. Some psycho- and/or sociopathic people thrive because of the shallow nature of the rest of us.

People who look deeper and feel deeper and think deeper are so often thought of as 'strange' or odd. I had a hard time when I was younger because I just didn't care as much about the same things as most of my peers did. I was never the person who felt comfortable at parties or other common social situations. I would find myself trying to have a good time but getting distracted or lost in my thoughts about what was going on around me. Thank God I had wonderful parents. They let me know that it was okay not to fit in everywhere. They would tell me not to worry about have a lot of friends and just to try having good friends. Plus, I come from a large extended family so I had cousins and such. Being a military kid was a blessing and a curse since I was never going to be around the same crowd of kids for long.

Once again, because of brain fog, I've kind of forgotten where the hell I was traveling on this train of thought! Mainly though, I just wanted to talk about how we don't get to know other people - or even ourselves - as well as we should because we never look deep enough.

I will give up trying to pull my thoughts back together and just update this post if I can on another day. Of course, I'm pretty sure my brain will wake up all ready to cooperate just when I get good and sleep tonight...

Peace
--Free

Finding Joy

Last week was a rough one. The weekend was worse. I was dealing with some fatigue and a vague kind of apathy. The weather didn't help. The weather here has been off-and-on gloomy with teasings of sunshine. Weather can be my friend or my enemy. And I am sometimes my own bad medicine. Most people fight dark moods with good company. Me, I duck out of invites. I don't like pretending that I'm okay when I'm not - at least not any more than I have to just to make people not worry. So I usually only socialize when I feel sociable.

I spent Easter alone and just kind of meditating on the season's message that Jesus died and rose. He did both - going into the grave and coming out - for us and maybe his other gift was teaching us how - with his love - to rise up out of our emotional graves.  By the time I went to bed last night, I was thinking about how we, human and flawed, have to regenerate from things that kill little pieces of us every day.

Some people don't heal from all that hurts their feelings. Some people just put up walls and won't let the hurt get too close. I heal with laughter and music and imagination. So this past week when I was tempted to stay hidden away in my tomb of despair, I thought about God's love for me and I was able to rise out of the nice, cool, dangerous darkness.

source:
https://twitter.com/letsdefeat

My laughter comes from small things. I'm that person who breaks out into giggles while grocery shopping because I remembered something that happened ten years ago. Last night, I was listening to a podcast when one host misspoke about a location and then said that he was no "geographist". His co-host teased that he was also obviously a not "wordist". I had to pause the podcast for at least five minutes while I laughed.  Yeah, you had to be there. Ba dum bump.

Music is my other balm. My latest song obsession came about while I was watching that show Lucifer (Yeah, I'll address that in a moment.) The song is "Restless" by a band called Cold War Kids. Since I don't listen much to the radio, I find new music via TV shows or movies. Let's give a shout out to the Shazam app right now. It's on my home screen with other Most Used icons right next to the bank app that I check to keep myself from going to jail over bounced checks.

Anyway, I love this song so much. Anyone who's read my blog more than 20 times knows how often I mishear lyrics. I don't usually even pay attention to lyrics and just let the music take me where it's going.
This time though, for some reason, the lyrics grabbed me. The melody (arrangement?) is also beautiful. Do check out this band and show support.

What humor and music can't heal in me, love and imagination can. Love's currently in hiding - or maybe even in witness protection - so I had to lose myself in my imagination. Imagination is tricky though so I have to be careful. I might start out headed toward a mirage of paradise and end up in places darker than my reality. Usually, I can get myself to a place of peace just by imagining what that place might look like.

At any rate, I was able to pull myself back into some kind of balance. Today, I decided to skip this weeks methotrexate injection. I want to feel good to enjoy this moment of not being entombed.

As for the show Lucifer, I realize that a lot of Christians were in protest when it premiered. I never bothered to watch it just because I was in my 5-year period of refusing to own a television. When I noticed a couple of weeks ago that it was on Netflix, I put it in my queue and forgot about it for a few days. After a little bit of debate with myself, I decided to watch the show. Here's the thing, I'm strong enough in my beliefs that a silly TV show is not going to shake my faith. I live in a world that is a documentary of evil. I read the news and observe people every day. If that hasn't turned me away from the cross, I don't know what can.

The show is entertaining. I mean, it's mainly about the Devil in existential crisis because of issues we humans deal with on a daily basis. The bad theology (which seems to blend Biblical teachings with that of Greek and Marvel Universe mythology) could be misleading to someone weak and not curious enough to search further. For me, it's just a show made up of fictional characters loosely based on real people. I can handle that.

**I walked away from the keyboard for a minute and almost forgot what this post was about because I have the attention span of a gnat. Forgive me if the rest of the post is a little off kilter.**

 I just wanted to get across that we have to find ways to heal ourselves and hang on to live for another moment. Rinse and repeat. That's all life is - just making it from moment to moment and breath to breath. And, like I said, I think that the healing - in our hearts and imagination or through little joys - is all a gift from God.

I want to include another song that I always find soothing. This one has pulled me through some seriously dark moments.

Ironically, Lucifer -or, as I call him post-fall, Satan - was the chief musician. So music can soothe or damage. Remember that David played the harp for Saul.


Peace
--Free

The Devil is STILL a Liar

Six years ago, I wrote a semi-humorous post about a saying I grew up hearing in church: "The Devil is a liar!"

This is the not so humorous sequel about what the Devil will and won't tell us.

He'll tell you that all money is good money because any money will spend.
He won't tell you that you can't spend money as well if you're dead or locked up.

He'll tell you that money can buy everything you need to look good, eat well, live high and mighty..
He won't tell you that the money that bought your clothes can't buy self-respect; that the money that lets you travel the world can't tell you where to find peace of mind. The money that makes people want to be around you can't buy you one true friend.

He'll tell you that we should try everything at least once. Life is, after all, for living to the fullest.
He won't remind you about the person who OD'd the first time they tried drugs, or got pregnant the first time they had sex with a stranger. He won't tell you that you can go to jail the first time you do something illegal. He won't tell you that the very first time you do something stupid you could end up with a life - your's or someone else's - changed for the worst. He won't tell you that living life to the fullest doesn't have to mean living life to the stupidest and most reckless. He won't tell you that you could end up brain dead, all dead or just wishing you were dead.

He'll tell you, when you are at your peak, that you can do it all, have it all and be it all.
He won't show you how to cope when you hit your lowest point and can't do, have or be anything that you once could.

He will tell you, when you are at your lowest, that no one loves you, needs you, or wants you.
He won't tell you about that you have mattered, or can one day matter, to someone. He won't tell you about a God who loves you. He won't remind you that you aren't the only one who has felt this way and lived past the feelings and the struggle.

He will tell you that because some people who are doing stupid, ignorant, illegal or immoral stuff and seem to be happy, unconcerned, or getting away with it, that you should too.
He won't' remind you that there is a reason some things are considered stupid, illegal or immoral. He doesn't want you to think about the people doing those things who aren't happy. unconcerned or getting away with anything.

He will tell you, especially if you are very young or very vulnerable, that YOLO (You Only Live Once).
He won't tell you that how you live at any age matters and has consequences. He won't remind you that you only live this life once.

He will tell you that you should want to be like the celebrities you see in the media. That you should be living the life they are living.
He won't tell you that, just like the rest of us, those people get sad, sick, worried, heartbroken and, eventually, dead. He won't remind you that feelings - good or bad - are the same whether a person is wearing designer clothes or handed down rags. He won't' remind you that some things cost more than money and that some people have paid for what they have with something more precious than gold.

He will tell you that you'd be happier "if only". He wants you to think that you'd be happier if only you were coupled up, or single; childless or a parent; black instead of white; rich instead of poor; this instead of that....
He won't tell you that there are people just like you who are happy, content, successful and fulfilled. He won't tell you that everything he is saying to you, he is saying to someone else.

Most of all, he will tell you that where you are now in life - whether in success or failure, joy or sorrow, wealth or poverty - is you will remain.
He doesn't want you  to know that everything he tells you is a lie. He doesn't want you to have hope or true happiness. He wants to hold us hostage to our present so that we don't think past it. He will hold our past over our heads so that we live in regret of mistakes or past glory. Most of all, he doesn't want to think that there is any more to life than what we have gained or lost.

Peace
--Free

Things No One Told Me (About Grief)

As I get ready for church this morning, I am feeling low on faith and strength.

I saw a quote yesterday: "A woman without her sister is like a bird without wings."

No one ever told me that I would feel this way after losing the person closest to me. When my mother passed away, that was a different kind of grief. That was grief shared. With Mike.

Unlike other women my age, I didn't spend a life with husbands and kids of my own. I spent a life with my sister and my mother. We always lived with or near each other. We were a team of the family women.

After Mom passed, Mike and I became more than sisters. We became a team of two. We were each other's strength when relationships failed, when job stresses overwhelmed us, and when life did what it does and went into little surprise tailspins.

At one of the loneliest times of my life, when a marriage had failed, I remember looking out of the bedroom window at the sky. I was thinking of how big this world is and how orphaned I felt - in a strange state with an abusive husband and no family of my own around me. I was thinking that I had one thing on this earth that would get me through: my sister. She was somewhere on earth, under the same sky, and that made everything bearable.

No one ever told me that grief would ebb and flow. That I would go from feeling numb to feeling new every sensation of emotional pain that ever could be felt. No one told me that I would sometimes feel paralyzed by my loss, unable to function, barely able to breathe. I didn't know that I would catch scent from one the hats Mike wore or catch sight of some of her belongings and then just die a little.

Last night, I sat looking out the window, thinking that I no longer have Mike somewhere on this earth and under the same sky.

So, I am going to church this morning, feeling orphaned and wingless.

No one ever told me this is what grief feels like.

Peace
--Free

Right Reasons, Right Actions

When I began telling friends that I was thinking of relocating, a lot of them understood my initial reason: cost of living. It's too high here and it's more affordable "there".

Lots of people relocated for lots of reasons. Some people move for a job or for a lover; to regroup and refresh, or get their life back on track; or just because they can't stand being in one place for too long. Some people move even when they don't want to or without knowing why. Now that I have pretty much made up my mind to relocate, I want to point out the reason that will seal the decision: my faith.

The first thing that I heard about my potential new home was how sincerely nice the people are. Out of the conversation I had with my family (who lives there), the part that sticks in my mind is when my brother said: "People don't just pray for you, they actually care for you. They don't just say 'Have a nice day', they mean it."

I can't tell you how many times I've had someone say to me (and I to them), "I'll be praying for you", only to have them say the prayer and move on with their life. Did they, or I, follow up on the prayer by checking back to see how things are going? Probably not. Unless they are very close and dear to me, I know that I often felt my duty as a person ended with the "Amen" of the prayer.

There have been times when I have followed up prayers for others with a letter or phone call. I've sincerely cared what happens to the other person. There have been times when people have done more than pray for me.

I think that, as Christians, we sometimes forget that we are brothers and sisters. Instead of asking God in our prayers to bless one another, we could be doing a little blessing of our own. We could be helping that single mother with the kids by offering to babysit or provide a meal. We could be giving our cast-off furniture to the family next door instead of dropping it off at a donation center for the write-off receipt.

For years, whenever my mother saw someone inebriated or homeless, standing on the street corner with signs asking for a handout, I never once heard her say that she'd be praying for them. Instead, Mom would go somewhere and buy a hot meal and coffee and take it back to that person. Then she would pray that they were going to be nourished and blessed by that offering.

I truly believe that a lot of time, when we say that we are going to be praying for someone, we are just speaking out loud that we are Christians. I'd much rather have - and do - the action of Christianity. After all, we will even pray for our enemies. Why aren't we also doing for our brothers and sisters?

For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. Matthew 25:35-36

After that conversation with my brother, I decided that I want to be more of a Christian in action that one who just prays for people. Whether or not this new place turns out to be all that my brother says it is, I can be all that I promised to be as a Christian.

I've been the one who, either in body or spirit, was thirsty, a stranger, naked, sick and in prison. Thank God for brothers and sisters who didn't just stop at "praying" for me.

Peace
--Free

I'm a Survivor

My latest Netflix marathon was one of watching "I Shouldn't Be Alive". It reminds me a lot of another favorite: "I Survived".

Since the show is about people who came out of situations that should have broken them, body and soul, I kept relating to each episode on a personal level. Every time someone said something like "Help was so close, yet so far away" or "It was just within my reach, but I just couldn't catch hold", I found myself thinking about my own life and trials.

I know the Master of the wind

After I watched half a season worth of shows, I wanted to be depressed. Then I thought of something: all those people, in all those precarious situations, had come out alive. They had survived, mainly because they had just refused to give up.

With everything going crazy in my life right now, I've decided that I'm going to come out a survivor. When I look back on this past few months (and maybe a future month or two) of my life, I'm going to remind myself that I survived. Anything and anyone trying to break me is going to fail.

I'm thinking now of a Bible verse. I'm going to write it on a piece of paper to keep on my person. On the days when I feel myself getting tired, I'm going to pull out that paper and read it.

No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD. (Isaiah 54:17)

Peace
--Free

I Don't Know What I'm Listening For

There has been a lot of stuff going on in my circle of family and friends lately. I lost my brother, one of my aunts lost a great-grandchild and another of my aunts passed away. On his birthday, my estranged husband lost a son of his in a car accident.

Last night, my sister and I were calling other family members with the news of the accident. When we finished, I looked at her with that "What next?" question in my eyes. "Don't ask," is what she told me. "Leave the future to the One who created it." She sounded so much like my mother.

Whenever any one of us went through tough times, Mom would tell us to listen for what God had to say. She didn't mean what elders meant when they'd say, "God is trying tell you something." Mom meant that we need to hold still all our own thoughts and just listen to God. Sometimes, I will tell myself that things aren't going to get better while God is telling me to stand strong. Whatever the message, I usually "hear" Him. Lately, I don't know what to listen for.

Maybe I should be listening for some way to get my discipline back. I started back smoking when my brother died. For two weeks of the hell that happens in a family during mourning, I smoked, drank and popped Valium and Xanax. When things calmed down a little, I didn't miss the alcohol or pills, but I renewed a friendship with the cigarettes. I came clean (ha. ha.) to my doctor and I am back on the Chantix. That will help with the smoking, but it won't do a damn thing for restlessness in my heart. So I'm going to keep listening for whatever God has to say.

Peace
--Free

Death, Stephen King and Other Musings

I was surprised (at least a little) by this article on Stephen King and his belief in intelligent design. What surprised me is not that he believes in a Creator, but how interesting his view is. He admits that his beliefs are inconsistent. Not many people will cop to that. Most of us will swear that we have never had a doubt in our minds or hearts about what we believe.

Some Christians (me, me, me!) are pretty hardcore about what we will admit when it comes to our faith. I think that's because we want others to see our choice as sweet and easy. "Wade on over here to the Ark, folks! Don't worry, the water's fine!" We try to sell the Christian life as a luxury cruise and not a journey in the hold of a slave ship. The truth: it's kind of both. Depends on which moment of which day you are in the trip.

(Let me borrow some of Stephen King's honesty here and say this: I believe in God, but I sometimes doubt my faith.)

My niece and I were having a conversation about life and death and God and faith. We got caught up in the old wages-for-a-day vs wages-for-a-few-hours dilemma. I don't care how strong my faith is, there are times when I just have to pray hard about that. (By the way, I'm talking about how we all get the same salvation, no matter how early or late we ask Jesus for it.) My niece and I were also questioning the whole issue of whether or not suicides go to Heaven.

For years, I was so staunch and expert (hah!) on all things MY FAITH. I had my very set ideas about how God handles things. All things. I've read the Bible, therefore... I can tell you everything about how God will judge others, but I know He will make exceptions when it comes to me. So there.

Seriously, though, as I told my niece, I know what God says is right and wrong in most general situations, but we are all going to judged individually - not in groups, pairs or on a friends and family plan. I truly believe that, when it comes to how we live our lives - as sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers, friends and lovers - when we die, we are all going to have our own conversation with the Lord.

Just because I might know how a person lived, who am I to say what was in their heart when they died? Who am I to understand God's conversation with you about your sin when I am still trying to have my own discussions about my own problems?

Peace
--Free

If There Is No God

There were a couple of posts on G+ earlier today about God. About whether He is or is not "real," and what people think about Him. I was very general in my own declaration of faith. This post is my more specific statement.

For the record, I believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

A friend (who does not believe in God, by the way) once asked me if I'd live my life differently if I knew there was no God. At the time, I hemmed and hawed and ended up giving the non-answer of, "But there is a God so your question makes no sense." This is what I wished I'd said:

Because I know there is a God, I try to live my life with kindness and compassion. I try to forgive and love and see past people's faults. I won't commit adultery with someone else's spouse or be unfaithful in any way to a spouse of mine. I won't kill or set out to hurt anyone. I try hard not to lie or steal or cheat or be deceitful in any way. I try to treat other people the way I want to be treated. I try, I try and I try. As flawed as I am, I try to be better.

I try to live in the best way I know how because I know there is a God. If there were no God and I died today, I wouldn't regret living my life the way I have. But, because there is a God, I'm forgiven for everything I've tried and failed at.

(For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwells no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not Romans 7:18)

I wish I had asked my friend if he would live his life differently if he believed in God.

I would have posed to him this: If there is no God, there is no "good." If there is no good, there is no "evil." If there is no good and evil, there is no right and wrong. If there is no right and wrong, what is the point?

I'm no Bible scholar so I don't get into deep arguments about my Christianity, but my faith is not based  on feelings. My faith is based on logic and on proof of what God has done in my life. I was raised in the Pentecostal church, but I was not always a Christian. I am now a non-denominational Christian - reading the Bible for myself. When I attend church, it is for the fellowship and prayer, but I don't "follow" any minister or religious teacher.

That is all I have to say about my belief in God. If you don't believe in God, that is your choice, but I still love and respect you as a fellow human being.

Peace
--Free

Wishes For Some

I was talking with my friend tonight after we'd both had a rough couple of days. I cried on her shoulder and she cried on mine. When she finished telling me about some of what she's been dealing with and how heartless her co-workers seem to be, I wanted to be angry. But, true to her good heart, she wanted to pray for them instead. She reminded me that while we are currently going through our trials, there are those who have their tough times yet to come. She said that we need to pray that they have the strength that God has given us.

She is right, I guess. I have heard of so many people just giving up, committing suicide or just losing themselves to insanity. God has been a rock and a refuge for us.

So, here is what my friend and I talked about wishing for some people:

We pray you never have heartache like we have had. That you don't have nights where you cry yourself to sleep, while trying to pray. We hope that you always have your health, your finances and your basic dignity. We pray that if you ever do need someone's help, that they do it without making you feel like a beggar. We pray that you don't ever have to wonder what on earth you will do tomorrow. We pray that your loved ones are healthy and your children are well. We pray that you don't ever cry tears that you just can't hold back. We pray that you never feel some of the things that people with trials and tribulation do. We pray that if you do have troubles, your faith remains intact. We pray that, no matter how bad things get, you have friends like we do and that you find something to smile about at least every day.

My mother used to say that if you live long enough you will have heartache. She said that sometimes when you think you've been through the worst, you will go through something more. Mom believed that people took their good times for granted. She taught us never to say "never" or "not me" or to talk about what you are going to do. She would tell us to say, "If the Lord is willing..." She'd tell us not to be arrogant about what you have or are able to do. I didn't really understand the lessons at the time, but I'm glad I paid attention. The way I treated people and talked back then has created blessings for me during these times of trouble. (Thank you, Mama.)

My friend and I pray together often. When we talked tonight and prayed, we decided that there are two types of people in the world: those who know they are not in control and those who think they are. We know that we are not in control - God is. No matter what I suffer, I am glad for that.

Peace
--Free

Crisis of Faith

Since I got sick, I have suffered such a crisis of faith. The feeling of being abandoned by God. The feeling of spiritual emptiness. Oddly enough, I know that some of it was caused by the medicine I had to take, and since being on a lower dosage has helped, I have proof of the side effects.

At any rate, I was really struggling to cling to my faith the past several weeks. This morning I had the energy to search the internet for examples of others going through the same thing. If you google "crisis of faith," and scan the articles and blogs, you would be amazed at what you find. Apparently, even Mother Theresa struggled (for FIFTY years!) with this. Personally, not being Catholic, I can't relate to what Mother Theresa felt, but being Christian, with my whole belief being in salvation through the blood of Jesus alone, I can relate to a sermon I found.

I can truly say that this sermon blessed me this morning:  Lenten Series - The Seven Last Words My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?  I feel it was just the thing I needed. Bless the author! Even if you are not having a crisis of faith, I suggest you go over and check it out because it's such a reminder of what faith is.

The first thing that struck me is that I am not alone. I'm not the only Christian to be tested. Christ himself was tested! Somehow, I had forgotten all about how the Lord cried out from the cross about being forsaken. Being fully human, Jesus was able to feel what we feel and, at that time, he felt given up on. So who am I to feel different?

The second thing that struck me is that all this time, I have been focused on the darkness of my situation - or the Good Friday - when I was ignoring the hope and glory of the light - or Easter. (The author's words are so powerful: "Those were not his last words from the cross." Amen! Jesus' last words were that it was finished.

So, here and now, I may have to go through this human pain and suffering (and it won't be easy; in fact, it may get worse), but one day, when I leave this world, I get to go Home and be with Jesus. Maybe even while I am still here, I will be happy again, but I'm not supposed to be living for this "life." It is for my life in Heaven that I am waiting for.

While I was feeling sorry for myself, I had forgotten about all the other suffering people who have it as bad or worse than me. Think of the little starving babies you see who live in famine, people born into a living hell of war or disease; people who have never eaten like I have or lived in decent shelter. I had not thought of the absolute luxuries I once enjoyed while so many millions of people suffered every day of their lives.

So, this day, I am thankful for this crisis. This struggle I am going through is going to keep me praying and holding on with both hands to my faith and hope for what eternity has in store for me.


Peace
--Free