Big Mama, Big Food, Big Love

I'm taking a couple days' break from reviews. I've received so many EOs for cleansing and moisturizing, I need to let my body (and skin, and hair) rest! I've washed my hair so much that I've rid myself of future dirt.

Today, I want to talk about memories. I've been in that mood. I was telling my niece the other night about the times I used to spend around Big Mama. My memory sucks so I probably tossed in memories that were handed down from my older brothers and sister.

We talked about how Big Mama would fix these huge and amazing breakfasts. When I say that breakfast at Big Mama's was an experience, I mean that even my mother (the Texan) was impressed. There were no simple, egg-and-bacon deals at Big Mama's. There's not a fast food chain around that could emulate these meals without adding a buffet line.

The first time I had a Big Mama breakfast, I thought I'd migrated in my sleep and woken up in the planet of No Freaking Way.

First there was the food: slices of ham, fried pork chops, pan-fried potatoes, thick slabs of bacon, grits  with salt and pepper, and biscuits that so huge and buttery-good that I think they are what the Israelites called manna. There were also eggs - scrambled eggs, sunny-side up, boiled and sliced - but who the heck could think about eggs with all that other food? One of my brothers used to joke that just two of those biscuits could feed half of a small continent.

When I say there was a lot of food, I mean, there wasn't just a dib of this and a dab of that. I mean, there was a lot of food. That was the first amazement.

Then there was the fact that there were so many people at the table. Family that lived two and three blocks away showed up for breakfast at Big Mama's. Talk about getting a start to the day, right? It was like a daily family reunion before folks went off to school or work or back to their own homes for the day.

The most impressive thing to me about those breakfasts - the thing that I never got over, even after I was used to all the food and family - was that they happened while dawn hadn't even thought about breaking. Seriously.

For a time, when my father moved our family there while he went overseas, we had to look for temporary housing. In the meantime, my mother, my siblings and I stayed in Big Mama's house. I'd feel like I'd just gone into REM sleep when I'd hear Big Mama walking around doing her morning wake-up calls.

"Rise and shine, everybody. The Lord has blessed us all to see another day!"

I'd just be wishing that the Lord would bless us to sleep another couple of hours. But, in Big Mama's house, no one was aloud to lay around in bed unless they were sick. Big Mama believed in that early-to-bed and early-to-rise thing. Super early. Crazy early. Early to bed like a narcoleptic wino, and early to rise like a rooster with anxiety issues.

Still, I loved being around my Big Mama. Miz Minnie Lee to a lot of people, but always Big Mama to me. She had her ways though...

Big Mama had in common with a lot of people of her generation when it came to how you raised and treated children. I always think of this image when I think of my Big Mama:

After she fed us all to stuffing before the crack of dawn, Big Mama made us face the day with prowess. During the school year, Big Mama could get 30 kids out of the house - on time, nourished, clean, looking good and feeling like there was nothing they couldn't do. She was like a fierce wind that pushed you out that door and into the world like all your dreams were just waiting for you to collect them. Even with all that freaking food in you.

Side note here about my aunties: I have the best aunties in this world. One of my aunties was a lunch lady at the elementary school. Who always got a fresh cinnamon roll for school breakfast? And who never had to worry that all the chocolate milk was gone? Me, that's who! (And I want to find that lost cinnamon roll recipe because I have never had one like those since childhood.)

One of my other aunties was our lioness. She'd run off bullies with a broom (true story), chaperon teen socials, carpool kids all over the neighborhood after the weekend get-togethers, and make sure that any stray kid was looked after. 

Big Mama raised those aunties of mine. No surprise that they are all women to be reckoned with.

I guess I'm just glad that I have so many good memories of my Big Mama. I wish that so many of the younger people I know could have experienced that kind of love.

Today, people like to call my Big Mama's kind of love "tough love". It wasn't tough, it was just love.

Peace
--Free

Blogging the Travel (Leaving ANC for DFW)

I want to blog this little getaway of mine for a couple of reasons. The main one is that I'm hoping to clear my head and jumpstart my plans for the future. I've been extremely frustrated with this because I think that my situation is so misunderstood. I'll talk more about that later.

One of the reasons I have had so much anxiety about traveling is my problems with memory. For days before leaving Anchorage, I had night (and day) mares about wandering around lost in some strange airport. I'm serious.

I have made it to Dallas safely and I even mangaged to enjoy some of the travel here. I met a few really nice people and all the crew and staff of Delta was more than pleasant.

Alaska was freezing on the morning I was leaving. Nothing like last year's "non-winter" winter! The day before I left, I had 2 appointments - one early morning and one later in the afternoon. I was totally stressed out by the 2 mile drive to the first appointment just because of the icy roads and maniac drivers... I had to cancel the afternoon appointment that was clear across town. My nerves just couldn't take that.

Since I was to travel from Anchorage to Dallas, I decided to layer clothing for the plane ride.

I started with jeans, boots and a sweater over a shirt.

Went out to my car to get a phone charger and almost passed out from the wind that blew up the back of my jacket, so I added a vest!

Then, because my shirt was kind of heavy, I changed to a lighter one. Much better.

When I took this photo of myself, I stood in the mirror for another few minutes, having a random panic attack. I seriously thought about postponing my trip for a few more days. It went through my mind that I could just crawl into bed and hibernate in the dark until I had more energy. Then I went and sat in the garage and had a good cry. This is what my moods have been like for several weeks.

Everyone in the house is sleeping while I am praying and trying to get my anxiety under control. Just before I have to go and wake my niece to drive me to the airport, I check the weather. This is what Anchorage looks like:

And this is what Dallas weather was doing:

 That was motivation.

Ever since my memory and confidence got so bad, I found workarounds to help make life easier. When I drive, even around my own town, I use Google Maps. Sometimes, I have no trouble, but there are times when I can get mixed up on the way to or from a familiar place. This gets worse, depending on my stress levels. Traveling alone is extremely stressful for me, so I do a couple of things that I will share in case someone else needs to know:

Always download the app for whichever airline you are using.

I've used Delta and either United or American. I like American's app better, but Delta's was bearable. You can "check in" and even pay for your baggage before you get to the airport.

When you do a mobile check-in, you also get to bypass some of the hassles of going through aiprot security. At least you don't have to remove your shoes. That's worth it right there.

Your boarding pass will be electronic/mobile. There's no extra piece of paper to keep track of. Best of all for the nervous type like me, I can refer constantly to my travel information: flight times, gate changes, layover times, etcetera. It just feels so good to have everything right there on the phone.

Limit what you carry around.

I keep only the very essential things on my person, and any carry-on is something I can attach to myself. I use a backpack and a very small messenger type purse. This way I'm less apt to leave something behind in an airport or on a plane. I have a good attachment clip on my phone so that it's always hooked onto my clothing or one of my carry-ons. On one of the flights, someone turned in a passport they found on the floor under the seat in front of them. A passport! 

Put snacks in your carry-on

I always do a Walmart run and grab some granola bars. Thank goodness I remembered this time. For one thing, I had such short layovers that there was no time to get decent food at the airport. For another thing, I couldn't afford the food that was available. (One snack bar offered a tuna sandwhich with lettuce and some condiment packages for a mere $8.00. I'm not kidding.) I did fork out about $7.00 for a muffin and some juice at one point. I could have bought pack of six bigger and better muffins at Costco for that price. #ripoff)

Use the bathroom at every layover.

Even if you don't have to go. You probably will anyway. It gives you the chance to freshen up and check your purse in privacy. I usually rinse out my mouth and puff some baby powder under my clothes. No need not to smell somewhat fresh while sitting next to strangers in the close quarters of an airplane, right?

This wasn't a bad trip. I was so tired anyway. And I had great seatmates all the way. One of them was super-sweet and I sure wish neither of us had been so shy. Makes me want to go to Denver and look for him!

I woke up long enough to get some photos of wherever we happened to be flying over. Can't sort them out now...



I'm SO glad that I layered my clothing. The planes were always chilly so I could keep on my jacket at least, and I used my vest for a pillow at one point. When I got into Dallas, it was muggy but my niece was there to get me so...

I've got to say how proud I am of +Gabrielle B . She navigates this city like nobody's business. I just admire her for her independent spirit. It also makes me feel a little weak and silly. There was a time when I traveled the States to writers' camps and conferences, and even went solo to England before I was out of my teens. I was always so confident and adventurous. Last night, as we left the airport, found a Whataburger for dinner, then headed for Gabby's place, I kept thinking how terrified I would be out there on my own.

When Marla made me smile with her compliments about my travel-ready looks, she hadn't seen these photos!


My evil niece took this when I just passed out sleep on her couch

Lovely, yes? LOL

Notice that her puppy, Kenai, has decided that we are new best friends! If you can see him at all. He's jet black and has the most beautiful coat of hair. I'd steal him if I could. He's such a cute little booger.

"I'm gonna just rest here in the crook of her knees!"

And... I'm not looking so hot here. Around 6-something this morning before Gabby heads out to work. I'm still tired and still wearing my twist-rows. I don't even fully remember twisting up my hair before I passed out last night!

Too early to care!

That last photo is to send to my little Boo-Boo (DJ). I miss him, but, boy, it was real nice to wake up and just enjoy my coffee in peace and quiet this morning!

Since I do have time to rest my nerves and pull my thoughts together, I'm going to do some short-story writing (and maybe post some?), and try to examine my life. Hopefully, when I get back home, I will be able to go to work and sort out some of my life tangles.

Peace
--Free                                  

**FAMILY** This is (just some of) My Big, Beautiful, Crazy Family

As the song says, "The Storm Is Over Now", as far as the worst part of my grief. A lot of people might not understand what a blow it was for us to lose Mike, but I have such a big and crazy and beautiful family that I decided to steal and share some of our photos. Now you know.

This is just a tiny teeny bit of the photos I am sorting through (ahem, stealing) to put together a family slideshow later. It's going to be a loooong job... You can tell that we are strong on serving our country, loving our kids, and putting up with each other through thick and thin. #Blessed

Peace
--Free

**RECIPE** Cool Whip & Jello Rainbow Cake (and bragging)

This was one of my mother's and my sister's favorite recipes. All the chicks in the family learned to make it except for me. Until the other day. My first one was a disaster because I made a couple of rookie mistakes. My niece, +Gabrielle B (who should have her own bake & crafts shop!) walked me through it over the phone and I finally #nailedit.

Here is the recipe (with notes from my own experience):

Ingredients:

1. 2 boxes white cake mix
2. 2 (or more) different colors of Jello gelatin
3. Big tub of Cool Whip

Also needed

1. 2 cake pans - each large enough to hold a full cake mix*
2. Parchment paper (to line bottom of each cake pan for baking)
3. Enough extra oil and some flour (to dust the pans)
4. Coffee straws (for poking holes in cake)
5. Skewers (or toothpick-like items to anchor the cake for frosting)
6. A children's medicine squirter, if you have one. 
7. Make sure to have room cleared in fridge to hold cake pans later.
8. Make sure the fridge is very, very cold.
9. Leave your Cool Whip in fridge (not the freezer). Makes it easy to use later.
10. Have a plate ready for later. The cake is tall, so...

Instructions:

1. Mix and bake cake (one box for each of the 2 pans). Don't forget to line bottom with paper.
2. Once cakes cool to normal, put them in fridge for AT LEAST 8 hours.
3. Just prior to removing cake pans from fridge, mix your Jello, keeping colors separate. (My mother would use half the water required for making the Jello. Give more intense flavor.)
4. You're going to leave the Jello in its liquid state. Set it aside.
5. Take out your cakes (and leave them in the pan). Poke holes in the cakes from top to bottom. This is where you are going to be injecting the Jello. (You want to space the holes so that your Jello colors won't glob together, and you don't want to make any too near the edge of the cake.)
6. Use your medicine squirter to inject your different colors of Jello into the holes. (Don't put the same colors close together; spread them around for a pretty effect when the cake is sliced.)
7. Put the cakes (still in the pan) back in the fridge. Try to wait at least several hours. I left mine in for about 8 hours.
8. Remove one of the cakes from its pan and put onto cake plate. This is the bottom layer. Duh.
9. Frost the top of this bottom layer of the cake with your Cool Whip. You will want to go heavy with the frosting here. Don't worry about the sides of the cake yet.
10. Remove your other cake from it's pan and place on top of the first layer.
11. Use something to anchor the two layers. I had a problem with the top layer sliding when I tried frosting it. Also, this will help steady the cake later when you're cutting slices. (Trust me, anchor the cake!)
12. Frost the rest of the cake. (I like to go heavy with the Cool Whip.)
13. For extra prettiness, you can run lines through the frosting across the top of the cake and down the sides. Add a little of the Jello and let it run down the lines.

The cake needs to be kept in the fridge in between servings (if it lasts that long!).

It's a pretty easy and inexpensive cake to make. Plus, you can use the leftover Jello and Cool Whip for more snacking later.

By the way, this is what happens if you don't get the right size skewers & they stick up too high:

But that's better than when you don't have a cold enough fridge, get impatient about letting the cake set overnight, and make all the other mistakes I did with the first one:

And this is what happens when you're a baking queen like my niece!

And I'm not kidding when I call Gabby the Queen of All Creative... Here are some of what she has done - while holding down a full-time job and going for her Masters... Stiff competition in the family to pursue your dreams. (Gabby lives in the Dallas Texas area, and she is available for custom cakes and creations of all kinds for parties, baby showers, etc. #pluggingmyretirementplan!)

Everything has a function

Jazzing up some plain chairs

Nintendo cookies for a family birthday

fiesta hats

Our uncle's M & M birthday cake

DJ's tractor construction cake

Peace

--Free

Things No One Told Me (About Grief)

As I get ready for church this morning, I am feeling low on faith and strength.

I saw a quote yesterday: "A woman without her sister is like a bird without wings."

No one ever told me that I would feel this way after losing the person closest to me. When my mother passed away, that was a different kind of grief. That was grief shared. With Mike.

Unlike other women my age, I didn't spend a life with husbands and kids of my own. I spent a life with my sister and my mother. We always lived with or near each other. We were a team of the family women.

After Mom passed, Mike and I became more than sisters. We became a team of two. We were each other's strength when relationships failed, when job stresses overwhelmed us, and when life did what it does and went into little surprise tailspins.

At one of the loneliest times of my life, when a marriage had failed, I remember looking out of the bedroom window at the sky. I was thinking of how big this world is and how orphaned I felt - in a strange state with an abusive husband and no family of my own around me. I was thinking that I had one thing on this earth that would get me through: my sister. She was somewhere on earth, under the same sky, and that made everything bearable.

No one ever told me that grief would ebb and flow. That I would go from feeling numb to feeling new every sensation of emotional pain that ever could be felt. No one told me that I would sometimes feel paralyzed by my loss, unable to function, barely able to breathe. I didn't know that I would catch scent from one the hats Mike wore or catch sight of some of her belongings and then just die a little.

Last night, I sat looking out the window, thinking that I no longer have Mike somewhere on this earth and under the same sky.

So, I am going to church this morning, feeling orphaned and wingless.

No one ever told me this is what grief feels like.

Peace
--Free

Tales from the (End of) the Vacay

What happens when you take grown siblings and throw them together for a few weeks? And throw in kids and friends and a little bit of holiday time?

• You act like you're teenagers again, not middle-aged 
• You will have so much fun that you kind of forget that you aren't still teenagers
• You don't even want to act like adults because, well, that's no fun
• You will argue a little, fuss a little and gossip a little
• You will laugh and tease and giggle a lot
• You will kid your sis-in-law about the Rock (private joke there!) and she will never get the beauty of your love for Keanu or Kevin Spacey, but you will love her anyway (the poor, sad, deluded woman...)
• Some nights you'll sit up until dawn because you don't want to miss a minute
• Some of you will drink too much, eat too much, say too much
• You will wander a strange city in a borrowed or rented vehicle (Okay, that was just me!)
• Their will be some tears as you remember the loved ones who aren't still here
• Their will be lots of smiles and great memories of those loved ones
• You will marvel over the fact that the kids you saw "not that long ago" are driving, wearing makeup, dating, graduating high school, going to college, falling in love, dealing with heartbreaks, heading into adulthood and not being the "little kids" they were a minute ago.
• In the middle of all the togetherness, there will be some stress, crankiness, pettiness, and love. There will be lots of love.
• Your crops on Farmville will be neglected (Okay, again, that was just me)
• You will hope that your mother and father can see from Heaven what a wonder they have left behind in their kids who are still brothers and sisters.
• You will be thankful for the storms and trials that your hearts and bodies have made it through and you will know that it was love that brought you here.
• You will learn all over again that these people are people you want to smack, slap, yell at and judge - but are the same people you'd die for, kill for, and reach up and pull down stars from the sky for.

I know how lucky I am, how blessed and favored by God. I have people in this big and sometimes cold and frightening world who love me. I am never going to be alone, forgotten, forsaken, unprotected or unattached. Not as long as I have this big, crazy, dysfunctional, beautiful, amazing family of mine. And they are mine forever, God help me!

Peace

--Free

P.S.: Chubby, we love you and we wish you had been here with us. I think that maybe you were.