Introverts Unite! (Separately)

  Ran across this a while back and thought "Yeah!"

My people!

I'm not sure why my being a home-body-introverted-loner bothers people but I'm tired of being confronted about it.

The kinds of pouty-passive-aggressively rude things I hear when I just don't have the energy to be social:

"You never want to go anywhere." (Not true. I just don't want to go where you want to go or I don't want to go right now.)

"Why don't you want to...?" (Why do I always have to explain? I'm not asking why you do want to go.) ~see how repetitive this gets?~

"It's just for a couple of hours." (I don't want to go. Not for 5 seconds, 5 minutes, an hour. I don't want to go. Period.)

"There won't be many people there." (Many or any. Doesn't matter. I don't want to go. Maybe we can talk one-on-one for while, without an audience or props? Let's try that sometime.)

Or, not too long ago, I got a super-heated and extremely rude passive-aggressive swipe:

"That's because you never get out of the damn house!" (So what exactly is your problem with that?)

Yeah, that made me want to go hang out with the person and be social for real. Guilt me on something and see how fast I want even more to do the exact opposite of what you want me to do. Go ahead. Try it. I'll wait.

I am beginning to think I am not the problem here...

I recently started coming up with retorts to use for specific people and situations. I plan to start calling people on their traits. I know a lot of super-extroverted people and co-dependent, can't-move-without-their-sidekick people. I know people who use the Lord's name in vain so much that I get sore from all the cringing I do. I know people who have recreational habits that I don't like being around. Most people have no idea how gracious I am by not screaming all this at them while they are judging my loner personality.

The problem for extroverts is that we are, of course, outnumbered in social settings. We get called "wallflowers" or "stuck up" when we can't summon the energy or will to put on a socially-expected public facade and mingle, muggle, and do the social snuggles.

Also, like some introverts, I send mixed messages. I'm not overly shy and I can talk someone's ear off - if it's the right person and the right subject. Otherwise, I am faking interest, being Instagram-sincere, and parroting canned phrases to indicate engagement. And it's freaking tiring. It's stressful and draining and sometimes leaves me feeling unduly resentful.

I think that the reason people can be irritated by introverts is that they misunderstand the behaviors. Maybe they think we don't like their company (we do, in small bits and at the right time). Maybe they think we don't appreciate their personality (we do, in small bits and at the right time). And maybe it's because we clash with their social and emotional cycles (our 5 minutes of chattiness runs into their constant chattiness or our need to be introspective runs into their need to be, well, them).

Whatever the case, I'm putting my foot down. I have put up with people's harmless (but very irritating crap) because of love, friendship, or social grace. I've listened to the snide remarks about how "anti-social" (aka: being a witch-with-a-b) I am. However, from here on out, when someone tries to call me out or guilt me on my loner traits, I'm going to flip the mirror and let them know what I think about their irritating traits.

I'm over this and it's time to handle it.

This irritating but funny extrovert here...

My best friend and I were talking about all this the other day. She too is an introvert and, like me, she struggles with depression and social anxiety. She mused that her depression is always worse after having to deal with people who don't "get" her and her personality. I told her that I tend to stay away from people when my depression is worse because they sure don't make it better.

To be honest, I am very sensitive and find it easy to nosedive into depression at the slightest perceived wrong word or action. I don't mind about dings from strangers who don't know my life or struggles, but when someone who knows me insults or hurts me, I shut them down for a while. I realize that about myself. If I feel slighted, my first emotional bandaid is the deepest solitude and extreme avoidance. I don't want to willingly subject my balance of sanity to your thoughtless behavior until I know that I won't lash out in defense. Children learn quickly to avoid hot stoves; I likewise avoid certain social burns.

Besides, being around even the people you really like or really love can be draining at times. Here's the thing I want to tell them: My introverted personality is not about your extroverted personality. You should know me by now. And if you like or love me, you should know me really well. Don't make me go all Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes on you. Explaining is even more tiring...

Drains faster around some people

For those people who wonder what introverts do with their time - and I will speak only for this introvert because we are all different in many ways. Since I only feel fairly well and "normal" for about 3, maybe 4 days a week, my useful loner time is really important to me. My life revolves around my health so... Here is what a good day can be like.

• Cleaning - because things pile up easily in a small space and I find that I feel mentally better in a clean space.
• Feeding and caring for my plants. My plants are a huge part of my mental health therapy. They don't talk or make noise; they just radiate peace and calm and the complexity of the beauty of God's creation. Nature is really stunning to me.
• Blogging here or at Free & Faith or Lotta Laughs. (I have been neglecting the 3 or 4 other blogs because they are too much to keep track of on any kind of regular basis. I can just barely keep up with this one!)
• Reading my Bible and meditating on it. If not for my faith, I don't know where I would be during all these ups and downs of the past 10 or so years.
• Trying to write. I kind of gave up on setting goals for my writing. I can't seem to carry lines of thoughts long enough to put down and pick up where I am in a plot. Now, I just write as therapy and self-enjoyment. (I've been thinking of getting back into knitting or crocheting but don't feel very confident about patterns and designs.)
• To keep my mind as sharp as I can, I check out a lot of adult-learning sites. I even bought a basic Maths workbook once to review algebra. It was a nightmare.
• Sitting and watching this kind of video to calm my anxiety. I have a whole playlist. It's what I use my TV for most. This underwater theme from the Mario game is my long-time favorite music to relax too when I get super anxious. Soothing stuff.
• Preparing meals to last for a few days or a week - depending on how I am feeling or on my budget. Trying new ways to eat healthily is an ongoing quest for this chunky gal. Right now, I'm working on using cayenne, ginger, turmeric, and black rice to boost my mood, immune system, and get my weight in check.

But the one thing I do, no matter how I am feeling, is thinking. When I am out of commission, I can spend hours just thinking about almost anything: life and circumstances; blessings and struggles,; why people do this or that, or what someplace or the other looks like; if turmeric is really all that beneficial to our health and how in the world can I get more of it into my daily diet because the stuff is not that tasty on just any old thing; why it is that plants are so mentally healing; whatever happened to the girl in fifth grade who was so pretty but always looked so sad; what did my mother mean that time 30 years ago when she said I reminded her of Sister Carruth; why I sometimes can't remember my phone number (and still can't remember the house number) but have the main lyrics from "The Crawdad Song" stuck in my head after hearing it the first time when I was about 12 when Daddy sang it to me...

And I heard the Crawdad tune a few weeks ago while re-watching some "Andy Griffith Show" episodes on Prime.

Forgive the Andy Griffith stuff. I get on a kick of watching oldie shows and that one is in current rotation. 

I like the TV show version also

And how cool is it that the families of these men can always go back and look at them through the different ages of their lives?

Anyway.

My best friend has a line she sometimes tosses out when I ask if she plans to go out shopping or anywhere else: "Nope. Can't do people today." Let me tell you: Instacart is our thing!

The worse thing about some extroverts is how petty they can be. Just because you don't like being out and about all the freaking time, they get offended and will exclude you to prove a point. It's as though they are triumphantly (and childishly) saying, "See, you do need people!" 

Here is my triumphant (and almost-but-not-quite-as-childish) reply:

"Of course, we do, you ninny. We just don't need the round-the-clock, in our space, co-dependent, unnecessary, bodyguard-like company to feel okay with life. If that's your thing, have at it. It's not my thing. I put up with your personality needs so why don't you try returning the favor?"

I am, as you can probably tell, feeling some kind of way about this right now...

So, for all my fellow introverts out there, I am just asking the rest of you to stop and think before you go all judgemental and critical of us. We are who we are and you are who we are. Let's learn to get along better - but you know, with you over there and me over here.

Peace

--Free

Breakthrough and Breakdowns

Last night, I had a stunning breakthrough in understanding myself. Stunning, scary, wonderful, liberating, and all those things. I feel so relieved and so sad at the same time.

For years, I thought that the way I am is just part of my unique personality and I wondered why I never met anyone who seemed to ever feel the way I do. This is why the breakthrough I've had feels like such a relief.

I've made choices in dealing with serious things that have caused a lot of regret and confusion. Possibly knowing why is what makes me sad. Why did I never find this out before? How different all my life could have been had I known.


My "breakthrough" came from learning about something that's called Depersonalization and/or Derealization.

Because I spend so much time inside my head, trying to figure myself out, I finally decided to look up reasons for the way I think and feel. I ran across a forum where someone was asking the same question I was: "Why do I have such a constant feeling of surreality?" There are apparently a lot of people who wonder the same thing.

Now that I have some idea that this inner personality of mine is not unique to me, I have to figure out what to do about it. For the time being though, I just need to wrap my head around what it all means.

Once I learned about "DP/DR" (and I believe that Derealization is my main problem), the first thing I did was cry for about an hour. Then I spent most of the night having flashbacks of my life. So many things have been screwed up because of the way I have handled things. At the time I was making certain choices, I didn't even understand why but I'd sometimes look back and wonder what the hell was I thinking. There are major regrets from some of those choices.

most of my life feels like this - unclear or misdefined

I don't know when I started having these feelings, but I do know that without God, I would not have been able to deal with the constant regrets and consequences caused by them. Still, I can't help but think that it took me until middle age to know about this. So much wasted time! I was thinking last night that this is probably why I write stories to make myself seem more real to the world. I think that when I write I'm trying to live the life I can't grasp any other way. I'm still trying to deal with learning about the DP/DR so I'm probably not making much sense right now.

It's not easy for me to put myself out there (and I'm going to hurry and post this before I change my mind), but I don't want anyone else to not know about this. There may be someone out there, like me, who never heard of this and so have been wasting precious time from their life just wandering through thinking that they are alone.

I guess I will have to find the courage to talk with my doctors about this. Just knowing about it myself is almost too much to handle and, ironically, seem to be creating even more of a surreal feeling.

Here are some references I have found, in case you want to understand what I'm talking about:

• Where I first heard of this
• Apparently, it's not a rare thing
• Merck 
• Mayo

**REVIEW** Hirt's Gardens via Walmart.com

My budget is about as bad as my emotions sometimes are. Broke and depressed, I have found that houseplants are the cheapest way to beat the blues and decorate a home. I've already told you all about this though. Since I haven't been driving, it's best that I do what I can online. Or maybe not.

Walmart's Garden Center had beautiful and affordable plants when I was there a couple of weeks ago. I had to look at the budget and pay some bills first so I only just now got one for $13, but I'll get back to that later.

My photo does no justice!

When I saw online that there were a Cordyline and some other plants that I could actually afford (even including the shipping), so I ordered them and waited anxiously for their arrival. The shipping time was shorter than estimated. That's one good thing at least. The problem is, the plants were MUCH smaller than I thought they would be. They all - all FIVE - came in a box smaller than the one I once got a coffee pot in!

Okay now, let's play the ol' what-I-ordered-and-what-got game...



What I ordered...

Hirt's House Plant Collection

..and what I got

As you can see, that snake plant is a hearty little thing. It's the one I've been advising my friends to get if they have trouble keeping houseplants alive.


What I ordered...

Peace Lily Plant - Spathiphyllum

..and what I got

Okay, this one didn't come out so bad; it just wasn't as lush as the product photo represented.

 What I ordered...

Chinese Green Ti Plant - Cordyline 

...What I got

How sad is this?!

Tragic

I think the cordyline was the biggest disappointment. It wasn't the size (I didn't expect a huge one), but that poor thing was all kinds of beat up! It's been about a week now and I'm slowly getting her to perk up. I was sick in bed myself the past day and a half so I checked on her this morning to see how she was doing. Thank goodness she's starting to look a bit healthier.

That's what happens, I guess when you order certain things online. And this is what happens when you go in and actually look at stuff in person...

Again, my camera kind of sucks!

 There were only three of them left. I guess I wasn't the only customer shocked to see such a great price on such a beautiful plant. I don't even want to think about what this would have cost me in Anchorage. Okay, I will guess at a low estimate of $30 maybe? I'll have to see if one of the nieces can run over and do a price check for me.

My camera does not show the full beauty of those colors. I do think the Walmart folk were over-watering her because her leaves have some browning and are brittle in a couple of places. At any rate, I love the plant. On my worst days, I will go lay in the living room just to look at all the plants and this cordyline is extra special. They should place these plants around patient areas in hospitals, seriously.


By the way, I don't see the brand of Hirt's Gardens on the large cordyline. Hmmm... This is what she looks like next to her mini-me:

Big sister, little sister

Now, I don't want to bash Hirt's because I'm sure they do the best they can to carefully package the plants for shipping. I kind of want to put the blame on the carrier. I could tell when I unpacked the plants that the box had gotten knocked around - and Hirt's had boldly labeled it as holding LIVE PLANTS. C'mon now people.

Anyway, I wanted to do this post for anyone else who may have thought of ordering plants online - from any seller, not just Hirt's.

Soon as I'm feeling better, I will do another post on the plants I've collected (yes, another one!). Meantime, I'll leave you with something I recently saw on Pinterest: don't stop be-leafing.

Peace
--Free