Looking Back and Looking Forward

Remember back when I was complaining of the all the weight that damned prednisone slapped onto my butt? Remember when I was really struggling to find a good balance of diet and exercise? Remember when I was- Oh, wait. You guys didn't get to see me wearing baggy pants and sweaters because I hid from cameras like celeb with a zit. Take my word for it: I wore nothing that snugged any part of my body.

When I gained weight, I wasn't one of those cute and curvy gals. Looking good has more to do with how a person carries their body weight - whatever that weight is. You know there are some smoking hot ladies who can carry the curves with serious swerve. I'm not one of them. For one thing, I didn't have curves in any of the right places. My gut curved like a pregnant woman, but I didn't gain an ounce of ass. I did get some boobage. Yes, that was nice. For the first time in my life, I had enough boob to actually fill a hand. Nice. Other than that, I was a mess. As a thin-framed gal, I can do "skinny". This double-chin here...

chunky-chin me

...I can't make that work for me.

Pre-prednisone, I was heavier than I'd been for a while (140-some pounds), but I was still fairly thin. And sick, which is why the prednisone was a necessary evil. Life-changing time.

Lovely hospital, amazing staff, but I never want to see either again!
(See, no boobies! LOL)

Once I got off the prednisone, I was determined to do two things: wear heels again and wear them with my favorite pants and skirts. Other than eating better and getting a lot of regular exercise (mostly just walking a treadmill at the gym and dancing while at home), I didn't really work that hard. I did take some good advice early on about not weighing myself all the time. That alone would depress that happiest person to nose-dive into a bowl of ice-cream. Since I was stopping smoking at the same time I was starting my weight loss, I had to put my stubborn attitude to work for me when I encountered obstacles.

It's been a grind, but I have actually come to enjoy my healthier lifestyle. Also, I got this body back into some cute clothes.

Thank you, Planet Fitness

Yeah, buddy. That's me. I had an appointment this morning and just decided to pull out that skirt to see how far I could get it past my thighs before the fabric started weeping. About three months ago, I could get it just over my knees before I'd sit down and cry off at least 20 ounces of water weight in tears. Just about a month ago, I found that I could get it on - as long as I didn't attempt to zip it.

This morning, I almost scared myself when I not only got that thing on, but zipped. I damn near cried with joy when I realized I could even sit down without ripping the seams.

Oh, happy, happy, happy me.

It sounds so vain and silly, but getting into that skirt (and my cute-as-hell boots) did my heart more good than dancing in the rain.

I still have a ways to go, but getting to this point is just the motivation I need. If, like me, you are working to get in shape, just know that it really can be done. I will do a post soon on some of the healthy(er) recipes I've been concocting for myself.

If I can say anything to other people who are going through what I am, it's just this: Make sure to take care of your soul and mind while you are dealing with your body issues. Don't hurt yourself with diet pills, don't go to extremes in anything, and don't buy into fad foods that you wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life eating. Do what feels right and works best for you. Do it healthy so you can do it forever.

Peace
--Free

Getting Better - Inside & Out

Getting back into shape is hard work. I have pounds to take off, body parts to tone up. It's like a job. I have been walking and stretching and bopping around while holding weirdly shaped objects. I've got ankle weights and a pedometer and this stretchy-band thing that could be used as a weapon - against myself... And that's just for the outside.

See?

Well, that Burlington gift cert went to good use!

But it's all working, even though I get a lot of my exercise just walking away from certain foods. When I went on the regular Saturday outing with my sister, she said that I looked very nice in a blouse that I haven't been able to get into for months. My jeans looked very un-mom-like, thank you very much, and I felt a lot like the old me. The best thing is, I'm not going to have a problem keeping up with all this. The walking is fun and calming. On the days I don't walk and do indoor workouts instead, I enjoy myself because music can make anything bearable.

Like I said, though, that's all just for the outer part of me. The tough part is going to be getting my insides into shape.

Since I gave up smoking and started eating somewhat better, I do feel... better.  I could be, and need to be, doing a lot better.

But I have come a long way...

From here...

I want to feel THIS happy again

...and here...

THIS healthy & THIS in shape

...to here... when the sarcoidosis hit me...

I never want to be HERE again (July 2011)

...and here... when the prednisone hit me.

That is almost a double chin. June 2012

I have started looking into ways that I can change up and make my diet more interesting and healthy. There is a difference between dieting and living life. I want to live life. I'm bad at diets. I've done the juicer thing, the no-white thing, the low-carb thing... What I want is to do my thing.

About six or seven years ago, I started drinking soy instead of milk. I made that a part of my life. Now I just need to find a way to replace some of the burritos and red meat with fish and vegetables. That won't be too hard or expensive since I do live in Alaska: land of salmon, halibut and hooligan. (I love hooligan!) Vegetables are wonderful here - in the summer. We make the record books for cabbage and such. Our weekend Farmer's Market gets written up. Yeah, it's great. In the summer. In the winter time, you have to take out a signature loan to buy tomatoes, or groceries in general. (That's because the cost of living is a bit higher here.)

I've been reading about the various things I can do to improve my whole self by what I put into my inner self. It's interesting. And confusing. Here's the latest:

Cashew butter vs peanut butter
Nut butters in general
Green juices
Juice cleanses
Almond milk vs soy milk vs ...

See? This crap gets complicated.

Here's my verdict: I need to just keep things simple. Some of this trendy stuff, I can deal with, but a lot of it is too much for me.

I can do cashew butter because I've lived without peanut butter for years. I only need an occasional hit of creamy any non-dairy butter. I like the idea of green juices, but juicers cost too much and so do the store-bought juices.

Guess I'll make do with fresh and canned veggies and an every-now-and-again green drink. And not the good-tasting fun stuff like Naked, but something serious and so-nasty-it's-gotta-be-good-for-you. I will keep eating all that dang salmon that my family stocks their freezers with. I will have to just mooch more hooligan since that's a little rarer in my circles.

I really miss the days when I could eat all the starch and butter and other things that probably glued my insides together and kept me in a size 4. I miss them, but I am realistic enough to appreciate being (I refuse to use the word "Mature") grown. I want to live long enough to make up for all the hell I raised when I was younger.

Peace
--Free

Predni- bitch..

I always talk about the prednisone and the predni-pounds it puts on me, but, man, the attitude crap is horrible! I have been a complete and total bitch to almost everyone this weekend.

That I have friends left & family still claiming me is a testament to the power of love. Theirs for me.

Every day I try to get a photo of my nephew DJ. We're planning to do a video for his Christening in July. Well, usually, he sees me coming with the camera (or just sees coming, because he loves me) and I get a big, wonderful grin or giggle or both. Not this morning. See, yesterday (I think it happened yesterday), I got so frustrated by not being able to get out and away by myself that I went on a little spree of ugliness. I'm talking about snapping at everyone and just being a real snot. During one of my moments, I happened to pass DJ and did not smile or speak to him. Oh shit.

This is the look I got from Deej when I tried taking a good pic a while ago:

You notice that he is not even looking my way. He is looking at the basketball game his dad has on TV. He's not sad or anything, he is just not the least bit interested in me. I think that is DJ-mode for Two Can Play That Nasty Mood...

So. Of course, my feelings were hurt. I spent the next few minutes pulling out all the pet names I have for him. I made faces, I clapped my hands - basically I made a fool of myself. Like I said, it took a minute. Finally I brought out the big guns and used my/his favorite name: Sugar Snickle.

Magic!

We're are back in love. Everything's gonna be all right!

Now, if only it was so easy to make up with the big people...

I am going to be making some phone calls and sending texts for a while. Have to make up for being a predni-bitch.

Peace
--Free

Home Happy Sad Mad Manic

I was trying to think of the song in some commercial (for dryer sheets or laundry soap?) that goes like: "Take me back, take me back, to my family, my family..."

Wish I could think of it. That would be the perfect song for me this morning. I am back home from that overnight at the hospital. It feels good. I am starting to count hospital stays. Had almost made it to a 1-year anniversary of the first (and I hoped, ONLY) stay. Just a couple months more...

This sounds crazy, and I do realize that, but I am almost afraid to mention any symptoms or worries to the fam a friends now. They are so quick to rush me off to the doctor - and the docs, of course, are quick to want to find out what's  wrong. Yes, I know - they are being rational and I am not. I am just being me.

Here's a funny thing: once again,  nearly every doctor I saw in the ER was so new that they had to check their notes to figure out which questions to ask me. Maybe not just because they are new, but also because of the Sarc. One of them seemed kind of excited when he told me I'm the first person he's met with the disease. Not the first patient - the first person. *shrug* I think I was kind of happy for him. *SMH*

Th other thing that's going to be fun is having the higher dose of prednisone again. And higher methotrexate. Yay. This is now an equation set of my life for a while:

More prednisone = more weight, more awake, more bitchy. 

+

More methotrexate = more sick.

and

weight, awake, bitchy, sick

=

HELL for those who care about me

So, yeah. Yay.

Did I mention that right now I can't drive? This. Sucks. Skunk booty.

Still, tho, I close in

Peace

--Free

Defined the Problem

 (Just found this blog, which I want to point out has great links. Thanks to Sarcoidosis Experience)


While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)

This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.

What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.

This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.

When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.

If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.

So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.

Peace
--Free