Showing Your Behind

I am a little bit ashamed of some members of my close circle of family and friends. Actually, I am a little ashamed of a lot of young folks today. For their lack of patience and humility and thankfulness to their elders. 

(Before I get going, let me exclude those young folks who have "breeders" instead of true parents. Being a parent is about what happens AFTER a child is born.)

When my mother was alive, we were taught and expected to treat "elders" a certain way. I'm pretty sure that Mom would be embarrassed by her living family.

For the things we do out of ignorance, I can understand, but for the things we do out of wanting to be grown or thinking we are "cute," I can't. And it's always the people with the most tissue-thin feelings who have the sharpest claws. People who can't stand criticism who can really dish it out. Isn't that funny - or is that just life?

How do you fix your priorities so that your friends come before your elders? How do you find it okay to put up with the crap from your friends, but the habits of your blood elders just makes the hairs on your neck stand up? 

How do you find it in you to drop those big ol' tears and talk about "missing Grammy" (or whoever your particular deceased elder was) when you can shut those tears off the minute you need to show your behind? I just have to shake my head and say, "Really, y'all? Seriously?"

When my mother was alive, there were times that I just had to grit my teeth and get behind a closed door and count to a million! (Yes, my lovable mother could be a major attitude carrier. LOL) But when I came out from behind that door, I had fixed my face into an expression that Mama wouldn't be tempted to slap off of me, and I never snapped an attitude or raised my voice. Not to Mama. I didn't roll my eyes or purse my lips. I didn't even THINK too hard about anything smart I'd want to say.  (And not just because I liked living, but because of RESPECT.)

I remember many things my sister and I had to give up or do without in order to have Mom be happy where she lived - which meant having her other children and grandchildren around. These things were not always of a monetary nature. Sometimes it was just a lack of privacy, or being able to lock the front door and have people knock before the came in hollering, "Hi, Grammy!!!" For the longest time, I was jealous of single friends who would say they were going to leave work, go home and light candles, put on some music and just walk around scratching their ass if they wanted. The very few times I dated (and I CAN count these instances on one hand with plenty of fingers left over!), I didn't have the luxury of inviting my date in for a drink or just to hang out while I finished getting ready. Well, let me correct that: not unless I wanted to expose my mother and children to the man or, God help him, expose the man to them! LOL

Did I wish for things to be different? Rarely. I loved what I had with my family. I treasured having my mother right there with me. Whenever I did get wistful about how my life might have been different, I just thanked God for the life I had. Yeah, life could have been different, but I would have had regrets. I don't have many regrets, not even now.

And I know that no matter how ill or cranky Mama got, she was never in any way made to feel like she was a burden. My sister taught me how to make my mother feel like she was the glue that held us all together instead of a burden to be dealt with. My sister taught me that my mother was no more a burden to us than we had ever been to her.

So, for all the young people out there, I don't know what you are suffering through. Your circumstances might be a whole lot different than mine were. But I will ask this of you: don't let a funeral creep up where you end up crying tears of shame or guilt or regret. Live and act now so that your tears will be all about the joy and the missing and the love.

Peace

--Free

--Free

Melancholy: Just Another Word For Blue

Couldn't sleep well last night.Tossed, turned, tossed more. Watched a lot of stuff on Hulu. Love the old Bob Newhart Show. During the opening credits, there's that wonderful music that starts off kind of boppy, then mellows down as Bob gets on his afternoon train home.The setting is Chicago and while Bob is on the train, there's this brief shot of another passenger, a woman who looks like she's just had a rough day. This is the mood I was in last night: I couldn't help but wonder whatever happened to that woman. Is she still alive? How old would she be now? Still living and surviving in Chicago? 

And that music... Love it (even though if I'm in the wrong mood, it can make me sad). Here it is in the opening credits (and my favorite version):

Just makes me close my eyes and think of other routes life could have taken.

 

And here is the full play (composer: Patrick Williams). Nice.

Peace

--Free

We Need To Name This Syndrome

A couple of lesson we all need to meditate on:

Kindness is not kindness if you have to point out that you're being kind.

Love is not love if it's all about you all the time.

There are a lot of ways to be mean. You can be outright, all out in the open mean. That way every knows you're mean. (But if you're this kind of mean, you're honest about it & you don't care that everyone knows you're mean.) Or you can be mean with a smile. Make everyone think you are being nice and sweet, but making sure you get in a little dig every now and then. I think the term is passive-aggressive. (You don't want people to know you're as mean as you are.)

When I was younger and my family traveled through the South, I remarked at some of the racial ugliness I was exposed to. My parents told me that they preferred the open racism of the South to the hidden racism of "Yankees."

That's how I feel about mean people. Why should a person get credit for being nice if they manage to be mean at the same time? People who know them lavish praise on them for being so "giving" and "open-hearted." And the person probably is, most of the time, all those good things. But... ev-ery now and then.... That mean comes out. That part of them that has to mention how long-suffering they are. "Oh, look at me. I'm so good to you and ... " *sigh* "... See what I have to put up with?" Or, just every now and then, they let you know in a nastier way. You know, make a little comment here or there. Things that really hurt, but on the surface don't seem all that painful.

Yeah. I think I prefer the person who is honest enough to be the mean they are. With the other type of person, the mean catches you by surprise and hurts a lot more - just because you got lulled by the prelude of "kindness."

I don't know. This is a strange and stressful world & I guess everyone reacts to stress differently. I do know that being mean isn't always about being mean. Sometimes it's about not getting the attention we want or think we deserve. Sometimes it's about not knowing how to just talk to someone about something that's bothering you. Sometimes it's just about frustration and feeling un-appreciated. Here's a trick: try pulling a person aside and having a good, tearful heart-to-heart to clear whatever bad air there might be? Or - maybe it's just easier to be mean...

Peace
--Free

Ignorance & Intelligence

The other day I skimmed an article by Alex Jones about how we (as a society) are so busy paying attention to celebrity culture that we are blind to truly important issues.

I want you to notice a couple of things about what I just said: 1 - I skimmed the article (because I was too busy trying to read a gossip rag on another site), and 2 - "by Alex Jones." I am just becoming familiar with the site InfoWars, so I don't know much about Mr. Jones. So far, he has some interesting viewpoints. Later, I am going to really check out what else he has to say. (I'm more careful now because I used to think that Matt Drudge was impartial, but, uh, NO! lol)

Anyway, whatever else Mr. Jones may have to say, he spoke a real truth about our priorities. It's as if we have forgotten that there was a time when women and minorities had to fight (and sometimes die) for knowledge and education. I believe that the celebrity media long ago figured out that people will be greedy for anything that is withheld. Celebrities have figured it out too. This is why the stage photo ops and leak info about themselves. Look how we pant after the latest "news" on current celebrities. Paparazzi and celebrity bloggers work hard to dig out hidden nuggets of information about these people & we just lap it all up. Libraries are open all week long in most places, but I don't think people are flocking there to refresh their minds on any important issues.

Am I pointing fingers at everyone else? Not without standing in the mirror first.

I am ashamed to say that I am almost totally ignorant of things going on right now in politics and business. I can't name more than a few senators or congressmen. I can't tell you right now what is going on with the handling of our military forces. I don't know what kind of legislation has been going on on The Hill (not the show, but at the Capitol). I can, however, name almost every housewife on the Real Housewives franchise. I can tell you things that would not benefit the actual quality of your life in any way, shape or form.

I am ashamed!

Most people (it's not just me, folks!) are not fully conversational in current events (outside the celebrity world), history, culture, religion (other than their own), literature (not the Zane Chronicles), etc. 

Wasn't there a movie once about an ignorant person being the only survivor of some type of global catastrophe? I remember something about him waking up in the future where everyone was dumber than he was & looking to him to enlighten them. Can you imagine if that happened to the average American today? What would they be able to tell anyone? Would they be able to reconstruct any of our history? I don't know how much use I would be? How about you?

Anyway, the more I thought of the huge gaping holes in my own education, the worse I felt. Age is not an excuse. Doesn't matter that I am closing in on 50 years. Doesn't matter if you are just 5 years out of high school. Money isn't an excuse. While not everyone can attend college, there are a lot of free resources for anyone within reach of a computer or library.

I did a little research on "autodidacticism," which is self-education. Interesting and irresistible.

In case you are also interested in improving yourself by this method, I found some starter resources. I will be listing a more complete list on my Tracks blog, but in the meantime, check out these:

• Self-Made Scholar - has a list of classes. Have not checked these out myself 
• Self-Made Scholar - detailed list of resources (including open courseware from places such as Yale and MIT
• About.Com - under "explore topics," look up Grammar & Composition, Mathematics or whatever other subject you're interested in (including languages)
• Wikiversity - create an account to access a bunch of resources
• A How-To -  of pursuing self-learning (this is in PDF)
• Fathom - a resource presented by Columbia University
• HowStuffWorks - tells you, well - how stuff works. Love this site

In addition to that, do your own searches. I used search terms such as, "self education," "learning how to _____," etc.

If you have a smart phone that allows you to download applications, you can search for all sorts of useful tools. On the Motorola Backflip (droid software), I checked out the marketplace and found (free) apps for learning Japanese, studying and practicing state capitals, improving memory. I even found an app called the MBA test bundle (shrug)...

The point is, you (and I) don't have to be ignorant unless we just want to be. Your parents probably already told you this, but there is a difference between ignorant and dumb. Dictionary.com (another great resource) defines the terms:

• Ignorant  –adjective
  
  1. lacking in knowledge or training; unlearned: an ignorant man.
  
  2. lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact: ignorant of quantum physics.
  3. uninformed; unaware.
  
  4. due to or showing lack of knowledge or training: an ignorant statement.
• Dumb –adjective
  
  1. lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted.

So, an intelligent person can be ignorant in some areas, and ignorant can be fixed. Dumb people, in my opinion, are those (even thinking themselves intelligent) who don't want to be "fixed."

Anyway, that's my little rant for today.

Peace

--Free

 

Public Face and Character

I am always amazed by people.

Lately, I have done blog posts and worked on other pieces about young people. Young people and their attitudes, young people trying to be "grown" people...

Today, though, I have to get on the grown folks.

People get full of themselves. They get comfortable with what God has blessed them with and act everyday as though it can't all be taken away from them. Go into any public place - store, office, church - and you can watch people being, well - full of what they think they are. They project an image of what they think other people want to see (or will be impressed by) instead of being sincere and real and useful.

As an example of people putting on a false face: I was sitting in the waiting area of a doctor's office the other day and I noticed the way the three ladies at the reception desk spoke to patients checking in. They all had this fake, chirpy way of speaking. One of the ladies would do a cheer of "Yay!" whenever a patient's buzzer sounded to let them know they could go back to the doctor. "Yay!" or "Tada!" It was a little bit irritating because the way she was acting did not seem to fit her persona. I mean, I just didn't picture her at home, talking to her family that way. "Dinner's ready. Yay!"... I imagine if she could have watched herself later on camera, she'd have wondered: "What the heck was my problem?" or "Do I really act like that?" (I don't think I'd want to see myself on hidden cam a lot of times, though it might be useful to keep me in check!)

The more I watched these women, the more I realized they were doing something that we all do when we are the public face of a business. We put away our "real" selves and go into character. Public face/Private face. Public me/Private me. Like teachers tell children: "Use your 'indoor' voice."

(Funny sidenote: My siblings and I used to find it hilarious that my mother could be yelling at one of us like a banshee but stop to answer the phone in the most polite voice ever. She'd go from drill sergeant and ready to kick butt to "hel-lo?" in two point three seconds...)

Why do we have separate personas and faces to present in one situation versus another? Shouldn't who we are be who we are all the time? Why do we act the way we do for one set of eyes and act differently for another set? (Actually, I get it that we are supposed to be a little less "relaxed" in public than at home. This is why we sensible folks don't walk around the grocery store in hair rollers and bath slippers... Being publicly decent is not what I'm talking about here, and I am glad that some of us don't show the "real" us. I have some family members who are "real" all the time, and I am terrified to go into the wrong public place with them. Usually when people boast that they are "keeping it real," they mean they are being ignorant. I won't even get into that right now. )

I guess what I am really talking about is how we lose honesty in our basic behavior when we are in certain situations. For instance, the other day, when texting someone I haven't seen in a long while, they signed off by calling me "kiddo." Here's the thing: I am older than this person - not by a lot, but we are pretty much neck-and-neck in the "grown" department. I think that their choice of wording has to do with their own sense of importance. Like patting me on my pitiful little head and saying, "Look at me, I'm all wise and such, kiddo." I had to laugh a little because that kind of behavior - which is meant to make a person look wiser and more mature - shines light on a person's mindset and true character.

Anyway, like I said, I am always amazed by people. I would love for someone who is really rich and powerful to show go undercover as a "regular" person somewhere in a workplace and just see how they are treated. Then, some months down the road, expose who they really are. Be an interesting study to contrast how people treated them before and after, wouldn't it?

I will leave you with this: always treat people, truly, the way you would want to be treated. No matter how comfortable you are in life right now, things have a funny way of going lopsided in a heartbeat. You say you have a reason for treating someone a certain way? They are silly or they wronged you at some point in the past and now you are gonna "show them?" Okay. Maybe down the road, your kids or some other loved one is going to be on the receiving end of that "show me" attitude. Think about it people. The way you treat someone could be the way you get treated.

Peace
--Free

P.S.: On a personal note, a friend and I are in the germination stages of working out an exciting creative venture. I will keep you posted as things go along. In the meantime, keep prayers going up for me. God is good all the time & He put us here to be ambassadors of His goodness, mercy and love!

Just Shaking My Head...

I just watched these videos & my reaction was to suck my teeth and shake my head regretfully and go, "Oooh.. Prince. Um, you're not sounding like you are well, brother..."

When you watch these, I'd be REAL curious to know what you think. Here is what I thought:

•  I never noticed Kevin Smith before - probably because I don't go to the movies - but he is such an incredibly funny guy. Now I DO want to see his work. And I love his appreciation for gratitude. So many people today have lost the whole concept of gratitude. So, Mr. Smith, I now have a big ol' platonic crush on you!
• Celebrities who get really, really big (Michael Jackson, Madonna, Prince...) must get lost in all that fame and lose their grounding. Think about it - they all seem to get a little nuts in ways that non-famous people don't. Their fans start to worship them & the celebs get god complexes and seem to live in a universe all their own.
• Fame seems to be an escape from something for them. Not the routine things "regular" folks struggle against. If they had family dysfunction, it was severe (or so they make it seem). If they had sexual confusion, it is extreme (or so they make it seem). So on and on. 
• Some celebs seem so cliche. All that money and fame & no joy in their lives that we can see.
• Prince is supposed to be JW, right? So, what's his fascination with Jesus? I didn't think Jesus was a big part of their belief system... (Don't get me wrong. I am GLAD that he is giving Jesus some thought because maybe he will think enough to get on track with Who and What and Why Jesus is. Cos I am a Christian.)

Basically, hearing this story just confirms something I have thought about extreme fame. I'm sure that there are all kinds of ways to sell your soul for things. People do it when they choose certain things over other things in life. Not just "non-Christians," but all kinds of people, including preachers and teachers and parents and friends. When you come to a cross-road in life and make a certain choice, you just may have sold out in the deepest & most eternal way. It's as if you are being asked, "How bad do you want this?" (whatever "this" is). Some of us just might want it bad enough to choose it over all else.

Anyway, that's my little rant. I just want you to check out this vid.









Peace
--Free

P.S.: He might be crazy, but Prince still has the greatest love song ever: "Adore."

Living This Moment

When I was young, everything seemed so endless: time, love, chances - my own youth.  Being young didn't blind me to the truth about how precious any of those things are, I just was not looking to see it, was not even aware that there was such a truth to be searched out.

When I was young, I was everything I was supposed to be: hopeful and free of a lot of the lessons life had planned for my future. I was able to enjoy being young. That's such a blessing - to let the young be young. If they live long enough, they will have to endure lessons that not everyone can survive whole.

So many kids today have a lot on their shoulders. To me, some young people are old before their time and they seem so hard and bitter already. Where are the people who are supposed to be looking out for them so that they can be kids? Where are the people who are supposed to make them be kids while they still are kids? (Mamas, Daddys, Grammys - whoever - please put some of these kids in check. Don't let them "be grown" before they are ready to be!)

Because I had good parents & even extended family to keep my little behind in check when I was young, I enjoyed being a child. It's hard for me to believe it now, but I can remember not knowing what it was to be disappointed in people and situations. I remember believing that everyone had whole and good hearts. I remember thinking that nothing could hurt someone bad enough that they could die of a broken heart. But, then, I also believed for a very long time that death only came to the body. I was older before I learned that hope and courage could be killed just as dead as any corpse laid in a grave.

My mother used to say to me: "Life will teach you lessons," and "Lessons will be learned." How right she was. Lessons surely will be learned - whether you want to be taught or not.

Another thing my mother taught me (a lesson I didn't grasp until later on in my life) is: grief won't kill you, despair and heartbreak won't kill you. Losing faith in behind any of things is what will kill you.

So what's my point? No point, really. I was just thinking of younger folks who haven't  yet gone through seriously tough times, or are just now starting to hit those tough times. I was wondering what I could say to them for encouragement.

Just enjoy this time and this moment, this breath. Enjoy the people who love you right now, the laughter and joy you have now. Enjoy the things that God has blessed you with THIS day. Because (again, as my mama used to say! LOL): your next breath is not promised to you.

Peace

--Free

Music Therapy (again)

Just feeling this one. I know it's a love song, but for some reason when I hear this, I think of my parents and grandparents. Weird. Still, it's a great song.



Both my parents passed away in summer months. I had never thought about that way until Steve Wonder sang this at the M Jackson memorial. When I heard it then, I looked over at my sister and we just about started bawling.



Keeping on the Stevie Wonder kick, this is a song that I sang to my husband in the car as we were driving from Texas to Alaska. Even though things have been really rough since then, I figure it had to be love that kept us from killing each other on that long, long, looooong drive. (Good friends of mine might be able to get me to tell them the "piss story.")



One of my brothers is extremely clumsy, but he loves to dance. Once (and this is when I was a teenager), he and I were driving along (him at the wheel) and this song came on. We both love this song, but, let me tell you: this man should NOT try driving and dancing at the same time. He was doing that thing folks did back in the day - you know, tapping the brakes in time to the music? - Well... let's just say, that could have turned out to be an episode of "I Survived." Now. Go ahead, dance and bop your head!



This song right here... I fell in love with the vocals, but when I saw that brother with the cigar hanging out of his mouth (I don't know if it was Ray, Goodman or Brown), I was in loooove!!! One of my young crushes... These brothers are just some old-school smooth. You know I always wanted to freshen up my Afro Sheen, lip gloss and then hit the dance floor for this one! LOL




I used to lip synch my ass off to this one! I'd be in the mirror just dancing and perching my lips... (Know I can't sing for anything & never could hit those notes, so I'd just make the faces.) One time my mom came in and I almost hurt myself trying to play like I was brushing my hair instead of having a concert! 





I'm not really a big MJ Blige fan, but as ol' girl says, "This joint right here..." We'll close out those post on that one. It's kinda the way I've been feeling the last few weeks. And, yeah, go ahead and dance to it. I am!





Peace
--Free

Angels Without Wings

When I was sitting around the other day, feeling sorry for myself (like most job hunters will do every few days), I ran across some memories of people I have known. I like memories that make me smile. 

I think that we tend to remember people in pieces, not in the whole, because we learn people in pieces. We meet someone and either we connect momentarily or we get something deeper. Some of the people who I've connected with are the ones I was thinking of the other day. Here are some of the pieces of them that I remember:

• I didn't think I liked this particular woman when I first met her. It was the circumstances: job stress and office politics/mistrust. But, thank goodness, I got over it. This woman is one of the most real people I know. She is funny and smart and true to herself. When she got married, I was invited to the wedding and came late only to find that she cared enough about me that she had been waiting for me. Isn't that something? I didn't know until then how much she liked me. It's always bothered me that I didn't know. When I think of her, one of the first things that comes to mind is the story she told of once riding a mule to get some cigarettes (this is back when she smoked), and I can never think of that without getting a fit of giggles. In my mind, she is a flower child.
• Another woman I know is one of those who has been through some serious life shit and come out fighting every time. A survivor. We have certain parallels in our lives that connect us. We have deep love for parents we lost. We have struggles that no one else can understand. We don't give up. We once had what we call our "sidewalk talk." The only bad thing I can say about this chick is that she looks younger than her dang kids. I'm not kidding. No one should look that good to have kids (and grandkids). I'm hating on that just a little bit, but, girlfriend, you know I still love ya! 
• One of my girlfriends is what I think of as my "sis-mama" because I love her like a sister and she has mothered me through some rough times. When I was completely on the edge of despair (no, not just on the edge, but about to teeter over), this lady was there to either catch me if I fell or slap me back into place. She housed me, fed me, let me cry and did it all without making me feel as lost as I was. When I think of her, I think of a bejeweled angel. She not only blessed me with her friendship, she even gave me another "sister."
•  And I can never forget a certain young lady who was pretty much just a kid when I met her. She was so young and wide-eyed that I can't believe that her child is now just about the age she was when I met her. Good mercy! Time just goes by like a dream that you can't remember all the details of. How can little miss thang have a big old grown child??? I love ya, girlfriend!
• Of course, my bestest girlfriend is the sister that my mother gave me. What would I have ever done in life without my big sister? Oh, I'd be such a lost soul!!! I can't put words to everything that my sister is to me, so I'll just leave that alone.

Like a lot of people, I believe in guardian angels, but I know that my angels  are the ones that God sent to me in the form of good friends. They are flesh and blood, flawed and wonderful people that I will always have my memories of. Some of them will be in my life every day, some of them will be in and out of my life. That's okay because no matter where they physically are at any given moment, parts of them are always right here in my heart.

Peace
--Free

Laugh Love Cry

Don't know if you ever heard an older person say something like, "I don't have to do a damn thing but be black and die," but it was something my mom used to say when she was feeling ornery (or "Ahn-ree"). I don't use that saying because, well, I guess it's just not my thing. My saying is: "My choice is laugh, love or cry."

And that is what life is, right? Choices about how to deal with whatever situation we find ourselves in. We can get mad, be sad or hurt, think about revenge... There are a lot of ways to deal with the good and bad that we get thrown at us. I've been through enough in the past few years that I narrowed my choices down to 3 for dealing with mess:

1 - I can laugh it off. You know - just shrug and chuckle and move on. Some things, no matter how big they seem in a moment, are really just not that big a deal in the whole scheme of life. Life's short & some things are just a blip on the radar. This is best to remember when embarrassing things happen to us. It's like: Who's going to remember this a year from now? (And even if someone DOES remember, so what?) So, for the silly things that happen to me to mess up a few minutes of my day, I think I'll just laugh and move on.

2 - Another way to deal with people who bother you is to choose to love them. I don't mean I'm going to be IN love or feeling deep love for someone who hurts me, tries to hinder me or bring me down in some way. I just mean, I am going to try to apply some Jesus love to the situation. I'm going to try to remember that I myself have done hurtful or mean things to people and I know that I'm not a bad person. I just have bad ways sometimes. Thing is, Jesus still loves my little narrow behind - even when I am just about the most unlovable person in the world! So... to anyone out there who guns for me: I might wanna slap a knot on your head, but I won't. I'm just going to love you like Jesus loves me.

3 - Last of all,, I have learned that there ain't a thing wrong with a little crying. We have tear ducts for a reason, right? (OK, maybe that's only for cleaning our eyes or whatever - but you know what I mean!) I used to try hard NOT to cry when things hurt me, but you know what? Crying is an alright thing to do. Sometimes. It's a normal reaction. Sometimes. It's a good release. Sometimes. I figure crying is a good way to let out your emotions and stress so that you don't end up in jail for seriously hurting someone else! (Just kidding. Sort of.) Usually when I start out crying I end up praying. Not a bad transition: crying tears to crying out to God.

Anyway. Just thought I'd share those thoughts with you. 

Peace

--Free

Randomly Me

I like:

• warm not cold
• funny words and sounds 
• giggle-worthy moments even when I don't know what made them giggle-worthy
• guy friends who can be friends without needing to be anything else
• girl friends who know how to be okay with me whether I am ready to laugh or cry
• my sister being my best friend
• my family being who they are to me
• when clouds make interesting shapes against a really blue sky
• thunderstorms when I am cuddled up snug in bed
• dancing and dancing and dancing
• high-heeled shoes that make me feel tall and striking
• a really good lip gloss (cause it makes me feel girly!)
• my favorite silly tv shows all lined up to watch when I don't want to have serious thoughts
• good home food (chicken and stews and fresh cornbread)
• good fast food (burgers and fries and shakes)
• knowing where I am & how to get where I want to go
• looking at the mountains
• that big relief I feel when something I was worried about turns out okay
• knowing that, no matter what, I have some people who genuinely love and care about me
• feeling 20 when I am almost 50
• chewing crushed ice pieces (don't ask)
• my puppy, Rags, when she is looking at me like I'm the greatest
• solitude when I need it
• noise when I need it
• fresh pancakes with a cold glass of milk
• those chicken wings from Walmart with some bleu cheese dressing
• a really (scary) book - because I know it's just fiction!
• Getting really still and quiet & knowing that God hears me

Peace
--Free
 

Um, Yeah... Okay

I am just in one of those moods! Just about everyone and everything I see lately is funny to me. Especially those people who are so critical but have obviously never looked at The Man In the Mirror (sing it, Micheal!)...

I was in a store not long ago & I remember being tickled by this lady giving another lady the oh-no-you-di'nt look. I guess Lady#1 was not impressed that Lady#2 (who was a little on the big side) was wearing some vacuum-sealed, panty-short shorts. Okay, I get it: some folks shouldn't wear certain types of clothes when they are of a certain age, size or body-shape. Got it. BUT - Lady#1 had a little bit of nerve to be giving ANYbody else the side-eye over wardrobe choices. Lady#1 wasn't a big girl, but she was sporting some nasty cellulite, so I don't think HER choice of shorts was wise. To top it off, she was wearing one of those t-back tank tops WITH a regular bra & that bra was not clean. So.... *smh*

When I was younger, I was one of those super-critical, ultra-catty heffas. I mean, I'd crack on just about anybody for the way they wore their hair, clothes, makeup... You name it. I was just a rude child (at least when my mama wasn't around to put me in check), so I'm not totally innocent here. But, dang - some folks just need not to make an Olympic sport of the casual critique. I hear crazy crap all the time...

My pet peeve is when people use the word "ghetto" to describe someone with no manners. Like there aren't people who were raised or live in the inner city who don't have manners. (And we know that when people say "ghetto," they usually mean "black." No shame in speaking the truth here!) What's that about? I've noticed that there are a lot of people raised in upper-middle and wealthy homes who can slap on a "ghetto" slang and vibe like nobody's business. And I have personally heard some young non-black girls who sound "blacker" (I know, I know - like there is a "black" way to sound!) than any rapper. Now, my very favorite is to hear one person call another person "ghetto" when they don't sound (or act) much better. I always want to say: "See a little more of the world outside your own before you get uppity."


My next peeve is something that mostly WOMEN are bad about. (Okay, maybe not, but I hear this from more women than men). It's when a woman is very, very picky about what she wants in a man, but... Um, let's just say that HER qualities are not exactly up to par. Come on, now, you all know what I mean. You have some chick who needs a lot of acrylic (hair, nails, etc) to get out of coyote ugly range, but she just will not even LOOK at a guy unless he could make someone's "Most Beautiful" list.


Now, over to the GUYS: what y'all are bad about (at least that I've seen), is wanting to get some nice, respectable, gorgeous woman when YOU barely have a job (if you do), have no idea of how to treat a woman, AND is the kind of guy that no self-respecting woman would want to introduce to anyone as her man. I mean, really, guys. You want to walk around acting like an ignorant fool, but you want to be in the company of a classy woman? Uh uh. Won't happen. (Okay, maybe it will - ONCE - but only because she thinks you are someone worth building up. Fail that and - zip - you're done. Back to the bottom of the social heap.)


Another peeve? Those folks who just love to brag. "I got this" and "I got that." Or: "I only buy this kind of such-and-such," and "I'm gonna be getting this or that"... Chile, please. Just. Stop. You been so busy trying to talk a game that you must have forgot that I know where you come from. You don't own your home, you don't own your car, and if you have any credit, you're drowning in debt. Oh, yeah, and let's not forget that while you're rocking the latest fashions, your house is nasty and if they had a sale on common sense and future planning, you'd have to hock that attitude of yours to buy any.


Finally, I cannot leave the main peeve off the list: I call these folks "Mouth Christians." Yep. If you just listened to what they said in church or in their prayers, you'd think they had time-share in Heaven already. But when it comes down to actually BEING charitable or caring or forgiving.... No-ho-ho-ho!!! Not them. They just LIVE for the moment when they can "pay" back someone for something wrong. (Now, we don't have to worry about these folks. I believe they will get into Heaven if they do believe on Jesus, but I have a feeling they are really pushing their luck down here on earth. Jesus knows what we do.)


Anyway, I know that this wasn't a real decent post. I'm feeling a little out of sorts & having trouble concentrating. I'm headed back to Anchorage this weekend and I have a lot on my mind. This post was really just a way to think about something else but the road ahead for a minute or two. Y'all please be praying for me, that I have a safe flight & that God look over my silly little self.


Peace
--Free

 

I'm Not Impressed (or) What Love Is and What It Ain't

I couldn't focus on a title for this post (as you can tell).  Shoot, I was also thinking of calling it: "You're Not Cute, So Stop It!"

Look - if you are grown and you know it, you don't have to always be trying to prove it. Just be grown, damn it. I don't need you to show your behind, talking all the time about "I this and I that."

And if you are in love and you know it, clap your fucking hands and call it a day. Don't walk around trying to prove to everyone that you are in love. (And, by the way: if you really are in love and secure in it, everyone will get it. All that talking about how in love you are makes me a little bit suspicious...)

I'm sorry. I guess this is just my weekend for ranting. I've already gone off good and long on one person. Please, God, help me control myself & not let loose on anyone else.

But, damnit! Really. I'm just tired of "grown" folks having to show their behinds because they think it makes them look grown. Take a note here: IT DOESN'T. And it's not cute. Or endearing. It doesn't make anyone respect you any more. It doesn't make anyone look at you and say, "Wow, I wanna be just like you." Nope. What it does is, it tap dances on a person's last good nerve.

And about love?

Here's what "love" is and isn't:

Love IS -

• NOT based on your emotions. (Women, especially - when you are hormonal and hate the freaking idea of that man even breathing, you are not "out of love." You are just bitchy & irritable. Get some Midol or Pamprin or borrow a freaking Valium from somewhere. That mood WILL pass. And if it doesn't, then you better pray your man isn't the one trying to dump your moody ass.)
• NOT about what someone else has. I don't care if your girlfriend's man showers her with a rainbow of jewels and has her sleeping on a mattress filled with rose petals. That ain't YOUR situation. (For all you know, your girl buddy is just being grown & talking a good game & her man ain't all that anyway.) Whatever. The thing is: you need to be happy in YOUR situation. If you aren't, then you messed up from the get-go. Keeping up with the Joneses is not a good thing, especially when it comes to a relationship. YOUR situation is what it is and ain't what it ain't. Deal with it.
• NOT a fantasy or a romance novel. If you have your spouse/lover running ragged having to prove to you every minute of every damn day that he/she "loves" you, you're going to wear that situation out. Someone who loves you for real, loves you even when they are out of your sight for ten minutes. They love you even when they don't jump fast enough when you snap your selfish fingers. They love you even when they want to go hang out with someone else for a minute or two. It's called LOVE, not PRISON. You are a spouse or a partner, not a warden with keys to the cell block. Damn.
• NOT being able to boss someone around like they are three years old. (For that matter, as a woman - and maybe this is just me - I have never been turned on by or attracted to a man that will let me run him like that.) Women, I know that some men need a little direction and guidance. Men, I know that women like to know you are the man. People, just keep in mind that everything is good in moderation. It's just as bad to have a man who is "whipped" than it is to have a woman who is controlled. To me, both seem a little bit abusive. And one more thing for the women on this: Keep ripping a man's balls off & you'll end up with a puppy and not a husband. If you wanted another woman, you should have swung that way.
• NOT cutting a person down, but building them up. (I'm guilty of this one. Once - ONLY ONCE - I did a little ego-smashing. But, like I said, all things in moderation. LOL)
• NOT always "feeling" in love. There are good times and bad times. I'm pretty sure a lot of people in serious relationships have looked around and wondered: "Did I make a mistake?" Bottom line is, if you only stay in a relationship when you "feel" in love, you'd be a mess. The next time one of those wondering moments hits you, maybe ask yourself if you'd be happy NOT being with this person for the rest of your life. Ask yourself how you'd like to look up and see them with another person who does appreciate them.
• Work. Love (or at least relationships) is work, just like any other pursuit in life.Sometimes, it's easy work and sometimes it's hard work. Sometimes you will have to be the one to put more into the relationship (more patience, more sympathy, more... whatever). Sometimes you have to sacrifice and do less (like less eye-rolling, sighing and that arm-folding thing we all like to do when we are showing just how freaking patient we are! LOL) And like with any other "work," there are paydays and deductions. It's all about balancing the good, the bad and the everything in between.

So, yeah, I started this post with a little bit of an attitude, but my intentions are in the right place. All I want to get across is: either appreciate your situation or rectify it, but don't do anything just for show. It will make you miserable. And no one is impressed. No one will think you are "grown," they will just think you are silly and have some growing up to do.

Peace

--Free

P.S.: And no, I'm NOT talking to anyone in particular. I'm just looking at life and making some observations.

My She Speaks Experience

I belong to the site SheSpeaks. It's a very cool program where people can give feedback on products and services. Recently, I was invited to try out a skin-care product called Strivectin. Because I will be FORTY-NINE (yikes) at the end of June, and because I can be a little bit vain about my skin, I am just chomping at the bit to try this product.

So...

Here is the BEFORE photo that I just took today. 

Hair pulled back, no makeup, no smile... AND under the harsh glare of a bathroom light. I will post other pics as I use the product. (Now, you all know I'm too undisciplined to do the day-by-day photo thing, but I will try to do at least once a week when I begin using the product.)

Wish me luck!

Peace

--Free

P.S.: I've recommended the SheSpeaks site to all my galfriends before, but, really, I'm telling you: this site is amazing. I've gotten to try out SO much stuff before spending money on it. They even pay for the shipping. Can't beat that. Just make sure that, if you do join up, you give lots of honest feedback. That's what the whole thing is about!

Random-ness

It's another lazy post day. Just jotting down things I've been thinking...

• So many things that Mama & other elders told me when I was young have been proven true. 
• I want to win the lottery. Not so I can be rich, but so I don't have to be poor.
• I'm really liking the Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine." It fits right now. I'm waiting for it to be really true.
• Life is good. It's not very forgiving, but it is good.
• Is it bad that "Family Guy," "American Dad" and "The Cleveland Show" are my favorite shows right now?
• I'm down to a size 4 right now & why does that worry me?
• FedEx is taking forever to get that phone here. The delivery guy better not be chatting it up with a cute customer! LOL
• My cousin can crack me up just by saying: "Oh, no! No, no, no. We don't match!" (Yeah, I know. Inside joke about Walmart!)
• Rough times are bearable if you just remember that it's called "building a testimony."
• Where the hell is that FedEx guy???
• I had the world's best tostado the other day. I need to get another one. 
• I have finally had Chic-fi-a (?) and, boy, am I hooked now!
• I'm a little worried about a niece of mine because I haven't heard from her in months. Hope she is okay. If she is, I want to kick her ass.
• I want a piece of cheesecake. Right now. (And why do I have food on the brain?)
• Anyone in the world can hurt your body, but only the ones you love can hurt your heart. (Don't know where that one came from...)

 That's enough for now. I need to do something a little more productive...

Peace
--Free

Smartphone Smarts

I just mailed all my fam and friends with info about how to get in touch with me after i upgrade my cell phone (that is, getting in touch with me without running me deeper into the poorhouse). 

I researched for almost 2 weeks on upgrading my cellphone & just now realized that I've  gathered a lot of info that others might want to put to use. So here goes my post on how to save with cellphones and services. I am looking at solutions I found to my personal issues in upgrading:

Issue #1 was "Can I afford to buy the phone I want?"... You don't have to buy from your carrier. Matter of fact, I am getting away FREE by using Walmart online. Even the shipping is free. Here are some places to shop:

• Walmart - the service is by LetsTalk. Good array of at&t voice plans offered and free shipping. They require credit/debit card even on complete freebies (for i.d. purposes only) & I found that there is a tiny charge to my card for the "authorization" from the card company. Still... saved the $99 at&t was charging for the phone.
• Amazon - Check them out. Verizon's $600 Droid was running $20 at last check. You can search site by carrier or phone type.
• Best Buy - They offer free 2-day shipping in some instances
• Radio Shack - I didn't check them out too deep
• Wirefly - Like the "free" price, but they required more expensive base voice package. Violate this (even tho at&t has no problem with you changing to a cheaper package) & Wirefly can charge you full price for the phone. All in the smallest print just before "check out," of course.

 Issue #2 was "I can get the phone, but can I afford a plan that works for me?"...I needed to stay in the same monthly bill bracket. Problem is, I have unlimited data and text on my non-smartphone, but can't afford the same on the smartphone. Solution - get rid of my text package and I'm ok. Second problem - what to do about texting? Solution: Free texting! 

I've already mailed my fam and friends with the way to get in touch with me by sending texts to me via email. 

• Basically, you can email to a cell phone number instead of texting. 
• Check with your carrier to get more details, but this site gives the method for several carriers.
• Also, there are ways to text from PC to a cell phone. I have used Yahoo Messenger for this. When chatting online, just look for the little phone icon in your Yahoo mail chat or Yahoo Messenger chat. (This would probably be a good time to update your email contacts list!)
• Warning: for at&t customers, I know for a FACT that they charge IM messages same as text messages. Some people (me) believed using Yahoo IMs saved me text fees. NOT. Other people believed that it was free to RECEIVE message. NOT. AT&T charges me for sending or receiving texts. Check your carrier for the rules.

 Issue #3 was "What else can I do to maximize my phone use (for free or cheap)?...

• Texting & calling services you might not already know about include Skype and iSkoot. Not sure how these work, but check them out if you want. Keep in mind, that some of these services are not limited to mobile phones... Just saying.
• Voice over Internet Protocol (or VoIP)  is still blurry to me, but this page explains it well, with little diagrams and everything! LOL

 Bottom line is, I started out thinking that I could not afford the phone I wanted, but with a little research, I managed it. Now, can I tell you why I wanted the Motorola Backflip so badly?

First of all, it's really cute (because I am a "girl" at heart, that's important to me no matter how broke I am!)... See, look.

Second of all, it has features I need since I am living a little bit of an un-tethered and unconventional life right now. Here are some of the features:

• Connected to my PC, it will show up as a hard drive there. I will be able to drag and drop files right onto the phone. (OK, maybe some of the files will be of the music type, but...!)
• The camera is wonderful. I don't have a digital camera, so this is just a fancy plus for me even if it not a necessity.
• The web browser is great. I can customize. HTML is there. Right now, my laptop is a year old & has been through the travel ringer. It's going to be nice to have a phone that I can count on almost as deeply as I do my laptop should something go wrong.
• The GPS is supposed to be good. Not that I plan to pay for that service yet but it's there. Those who know me understand how I can get lost in Mayberry, let alone in the big Texas cities I'm hanging out in...
• Phone quality is rated as "Excellent." That's important.
• And, mostly, I really liked using the phone when I tested it at the at&t store. It was solid, easy to use & I didn't feel like it would crumble into pieces is I dropped it.

So, congratulate me on the phone I will be married to for at least the next two years. I spent more time checking out this phone than I did my husband! LOL (Kidding, Tim. You know I love ya, baby!)

I really hope some of this info was useful to you guys. And send me an email if I didn't not give you my phone number yet!

Peace

--Free

Just Thinking...

I am thinking:

• About things (or people/situations) I cannot (or don't want or have the energy to) change and/or fix. I give up on them.
• About things that popped into my head today: "Lying as fast as his lips can move." Love hurts, but it doesn't have to." "I want some Lay's potato chips. Plain. The BIG bag. And a Dr. Pepper to wash them down with." (Or should that be: "With which to wash them down" ?)
• That for the past few years, I've been a nomad. Thinking of getting a t-shirt with NOMAD on front and pic of me on back.
• That Halle Berry has worse luck with men than I do. (And she's rich & gorgeous, smart & funny. I got the smart & funny part down. I might be rich after the lottery drawing. Doing all right on the looks, but not at the "gorgeous" level. I'm probably better at cooking.) I like what I see of Halle. She doesn't seem like a "fake" person. I wish we were friends so we could sit around with some junk food and dish shit on the guys we've suffered through. We could invite Sandra Bullock. That's my other friend-in-the-head. Bet we three could all make each other laugh about our messed up situations. Damn, this is starting to sound like a great idea.
• That the Arizona situation is some kind of messed up. What next? They going to start making women stay home during their menstrual periods? You know, we do get a little moody around that time. Plus I'm sure we put a strain on the chocolate and 'tato chip supply when it happens. (And, BTW, just when the hell is my menopause gonna hit? I'm sick of the whole monthly interruption of my life!)
• That today was a beautiful day. It was a little breezy & overcast, but I really dig watching the trees sway in the wind. And I love the smell of fresh-mown grass. Smells like watermelons. Or a promise from God that things really are gonna be all right.
• That I don't know why I love my man so when he causes me nothing but stress and heartache. (Or maybe something is wrong with me and that's why I love him so.) Why didn't I fall in love with someone else?!?!?!?
• That if I die right now, I'll never have flown a kite. Or learned how to swim. Or gotten that damn Samsung Impression I want... (Come to think of it, I want a smartphone. Just to say I have one. Things you don't have always seem way cooler than the things you do have. And isn't that such a human & stupid way to think?)
• That I want to kiss Keanu Reeves just once in my life. (Dang. Thinking of Sandra Bullock, must have put that man on my brain.)
• That my niece Danielle is 13 today. I'm so happy for her. I'm going to need to tell her to enjoy being 13 because it's the very beginning of so much & yet the very end of so much more. (Don't think I will tell her any of that. It's a little depressing.)
• That if I were in Anchorage, I'd be walking around with a sweater on. Here in North Richland Hills, I'm sitting under a ceiling fan. I'm feeling a little bit Hank Hill-ish. Maybe I need to get a beer and go stand out on my Auntie's driveway. (No alley here.)
• That I need to get back to wearing high heeled shoes and earrings. And bracelets - LOTS of those pretty, thin silver ones that I always had so many of. (What the heck happened to all of them anyway? I don't even know where I've lost and scattered stuff while I've been nomad-ing it these past few years...)
• That I will be 49 in June & I'm living like I'm 25. WTH????? Am I counting it wrong, or isn't 49 just 1 take-away from 50? I'm gonna have to start lying about my age now.
• That I won't be drinking any more of that Dutch red wine with chocolate in it. That's not really wine - that's Jack Daniels wearing a disguise. I had a glass of that & watched an episode of Paranormal State & dreamed that Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies" was haunting me.
• That I really need a new cell phone. Hmmm... 

Tired of thinking now. I'm going to go on over to  the AT&T site and see what's what. There's gotta be something FREE, cute and functional. That will let me keep my same cheap-o plan. And that will come in a not-ugly color or shape. That will-

Never mind. Y'all just keep praying for me. I'm feeling so out of sorts and lost these days.

Peace

--Free

Prayer Needed

It's one of those days.

One of those days when I need strength the most but just can't scrape it up, will it up, find it, borrow it, pull it down from Heaven...  One of those days when the Devil is trying to get into my head. He's a liar, but he's a great liar. I'm doing prayer battle with rusty weapons. Trying to recruit some Hope and Joy to help me through. 

I'm going to have to get face down in prayer - face down, heart down and hands up. I need all you other saints to do some backup praying and choreograph a covering of protection around me.

It's one of those days for giving up and giving over to God because I just can't.

Peace

--Free

American of African Ancestry

I am in discussions with some Twitter pals over the use of terms that designate cultures and races. It's as if I cannot acknowledge that I am black - only that I am American. This all started because I posted a link to a webpage on "African-American History." (By the way, I didn't NAME the page, I just linked to it.) A few points:

1. I did not divide races and cultures into "African," "Euro," "Asian," etc. I DO live in a world were those designations exist. (And that "African" label matters to me a little more than it ever will to you, @melsite1)
2. If I were @melsite1, I might feel the way he does. I'm not, so I don't. My personal history, experiences and heritage have shaped me differently.
3. I am BLACK, I am AMERICAN, I am FEMALE, and I am 49 yrs old. Would I like to live in a world where none of that mattered? Of course. Do I live in such a world? What do you think?
4. Very recently, I had a discussion with one of my brothers & I told him I've decided that I am not technically "African-American." In my opinion, a true African-American would be someone BORN African but an American citizen. And by the way, I'm pretty sure that most Africans don't like me using the term "African-American" for myself. Technically, I think I SHOULD be a BLACK American. In this world, though, my ancestral heritage is African (and probably some other things I don't know about yet).
5. I didn't choose to be African-anything, but neither did my ancestors -YET we have a HISTORY based on that heritage. This was not something in our control, but it is what it is. In discussing it with my brother, I decided that while I had no right to be "proud" of a skin color, I am very proud of the heritage. I am proud of the men in my family who survived what they endured (and they endured things because of their "African-American" designation). I am proud that they served their country. I am proud that they survived ignorance and predjudice.
6. I am also very proud of ANY women and men who understand and share their heritage to bring us all closer to understanding one another. (There are some of us - in every race and gender - who use differences to cause further division. I'm not so thrilled about those folks.)
7. When I can research my family history without having to use books and records labelled and designated as being "colored," "negro," and "slave," then I will drop the "African" from my history.
8. I think it is very easy for folks who don't have my culture and history to tell me to chill out. It's as if they want me to make life more comfortable for themselves by ignoring my roots. Sorry, it's not always very comfortable for me to use those designations either. I have to deal with it & I can't really worry about your comfort level. You CAN ignore it.
9. Asking me to ignore my racial and cultural designations as a black woman is a lot like asking me (a Christian) to ignore Christ. I hear people of other religions ask why we can't just all celebrate our "one-ness." To do that, I would have to ignore my Christ. The same goes for the whole race/culture thing.

I wish someone would ask Hilary Clinton if being a woman didn't matter in her career... 

Basically - we are different. In a better world, we wouldn't be different (or else we wouldn't care). In THIS world, I will wait for that to happen. And, no, I won't be the one to make it happen. If you think you can, go ahead. I'll be here waiting when you succeed. In the meantime, you can deal with life the way you want. If you don't agree with me, don't go to the link I posted. Maybe you can only look at words and titles that suit your own opinions. If that works for you, fine with me. If you are not interested in reading about African-American history, then don't. I will continue to read about my culture, your culture - any culture I can. It benefits me.

(BTW: The best thing about all this is, it got me back active on Twitter after a long absence)

Peace

--Free

Funny/Not Funny (undecided)

Yes, I am wrong for this, but...



 Now that you have seen it, a little background:

No, I am not a cold, heartless person. I was actually in tears while the son was pouring out his heart. Then I got mad. I thought that the dad was about to bust out laughing. How the heck was I supposed to know he was going to do that primal whatever-it-was sound...

*smh*