Soothing My Emotions

 Nobody warned me about my feelings and emotions catching menopausal moments. Plenty of women warned me about hot flashes and night sweats. I was well-informed about mood swings. But mood swings are different from emotional bruising. Trust me, I am learning that now.

I am well past menopause. Mostly. I've gotten past the hot flashes and night sweats and I haven't just suddenly felt like committing the murder of innocent bystanders because of hormonal fluctuation. 

However...

My emotional swings in the past few years have been directed more inward. I can wake up feeling normal (you know, cranky without my coffee and ready for my days of the general craziness that is my life) and then, suddenly, without warning, I can feel so unloved and life-failing and bleak. For no reason. That is not a mood swing. That is a soul burp or an emotional crisis.

These random bruisings don't happen often. If they did, I might be used to them and better prepared to swim through. Nope. These nasty things creep up behind me and slap the back of my heart about once every maybe 6 to 8 months. Weird, right?

I swear, I sometimes feel like all life after 50 is one eternal crisis of self-examination. And I never pass when I get in a certain mindset.

So it was about 3 days ago that I had the latest attack of... whatever this weird sadness and soul-pain is called. I wasn't sick because I skipped my weekly injection. (It's rainy and cold and gray and I don't want to be med sick in this weather.) Because I was feeling fairly decent and my brain was in a good mood, I was cleaning and putting out laundry to do and making a grocery list for a rare actual trip to the store (instead of delivery). The rain broke for a moment and I was able to take out the garbage and scrub the kitchen floor. It was a great day. Glorious if you ignored the weather. And then, I just... I suddenly started thinking too much about the wrong things.

When I get in these - let's call them mental conniption fits - I immediately lose all energy and joy.

This sad state of - whatever - stayed with me for a full day and a half. I was tired but didn't want to sleep. I thought I might be hungry but didn't want to eat anything. I tried to read the Bible but just didn't have the strength. And then I even started having a moment of wondering why God doesn't love me. (Maybe I should have spent the past several days reading the Book of Job as part of my yearly reading plan?)

This morning, the fit finally broke. It left as fast as it came on. I woke up and make coffee and stripped the bed (because I never got around to all my laundry before) and was thinking about when I would do my morning Bible reading session and... I realized that I was not feeling like I had been during the downpour of sadness. Yeah. It was just like that.

I tell you what, I am so glad that I finished reading Job. I don't know if that had anything to do with it but maybe? Reading about Job's trials and sadness (no one expresses sadness like Job does!) made me think so much of my late sister and all she went through.

Anyway, I am better today. I am taking a break from housework and getting ready to eat something because I am really hungry now. Tonight, I will do more Bible reading (thank goodness Job is finished and I hope it's not wrong to say that) and then I will sit in the living room for a while with my fake fireplace.

Let me tell you about my "fireplace"!

Laugh if you want, you snobs, but I love this. I can turn off all the lights and turn up the sound to hear the crackling of the "fire" and almost feel warmer. I'm not for watching TV but I am so into this.

If you want a YouTube fire, the one I use is 10 hours long and is found here. I get my comfort where I can find it.

Peace

--Free

Them Dinner Rolls!

 Yes, I said, "Them dinner rolls". Aren't those bad boys just beautiful? 

There is a funny story about these rolls. Well, not the rolls in this photo. I made those rolls tonight but...

Years ago, every Thanksgiving and Christmas, my mother would make dinner rolls from scratch. They were the best rolls ever - all soft and salty-buttery on the inside and a nice brown top. So good. Mama would start making those rolls early the day before she wanted to serve them. At night, she would set the rolls up on top of a high cabinet to rise overnight. When we baked those rolls, neighbors a couple of houses down could smell them. My mother was family-famous for those rolls.

When mama started developing mild arthritis in her hands, my sister and I worried that she wouldn't be making dough from scratch anymore. She didn't make any more bread either except for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We still had those delicious dinner rolls. 

Now, my mother didn't really like anyone in the kitchen when she was fixing a big dinner. My sister and I and some of our female friends would do a lot of the prep - cutting up and hulling vegetables, peeling potatoes, and doing late-night store runs. But at a certain point, Mom would kick everyone out of the kitchen. She did a lot of her pies and bread early in the morning or late at night when everyone else was sleeping.

One year, Mama wasn't feeling well but she still did a lot of the cooking. That was the year that she started letting my sister in the kitchen with her all night and morning. I wasn't jealous then because I really wasn't interested in cooking. Those were my too-cute years. 

After Mama passed away, my sister took over all the major meal preparations. My nieces and their friends were old enough by then to help out with the odd duties. I never did get promoted to sous chef but I could wash dishes and clean a destroyed kitchen like nobody's business. Just like when Mama had been around, every year, we had those delicious dinner rolls. I was a little bit jealous that my sister had gotten that recipe... Not long after that, I did get the recipe. Seriously. This is how I was able to turn out that pan of the rolls tonight.

When the nieces were old enough to be cooking in their own homes, they still came around for some of the holiday meals. One of my nieces brought a long-time friend (just like a niece to us) to one of these dinners. The friend kept talking about how she had sure missed "Grammy's dinner rolls" and she told my sister that she wanted her to teach her how to make them one day. 

This girl ate a roll buttered. She ate one plain. She made a turkey and dressing sandwich with a roll. And she just would not stop talking about those rolls. After she ate almost a whole pan by herself, she just about begged my sister for the recipe.

My sister looked at me and I looked at her and she got up to get the recipe.

We always kept the recipe close at hand and in the freezer around the holidays. Here it is:

The girl and my niece's mouths fell open. They remembered Mama's homemade rolls and couldn't believe that the frozen ones tasted so good. They felt like we had been tricking them for a long time. Honestly, though, Rhodes Texas Rolls are the closest thing to Mama's homemade rolls. Mama's were always a bit larger and a smidge saltier but we remedy that by brushing a little salted butter on the frozen tops when we set them out to rise.

These in this red package rise up large and there are some in, I believe, a yellow package that is "regular" sized. We always try to match the size of Mama's homemade rolls so we get this red package.

These are so easy to make. You literally put them in an oiled pan (I use a 9-inch round cake pan); lightly baste the tops with butter (optional); cover them lightly with cling wrap that you have sprayed with a little oil; set them out of the way where they can rise (I set mine on a high cabinet where heat rises); they rise in as little as 4 hours in a warm house; then you pop them in an oven at 350 and they will take anywhere from 10 to 12 minutes to bake. If you do butter the tops, they will brown faster so let them stay in a bit longer to be completely done.

Best. Rolls. Ever. Well, other than Mama's from-scratch rolls. 

Now that the girls have the "recipe" they can have the rolls any time. I will get in a mood for them, like I did this time, and bake up a pan of 8 that might last a couple of 3 days. The best thing is, they keep well in a sealed baggie after they are cool. They stay soft and fresh-tasting for the next meal. I love to eat mine with butter and honey or with some gravy or just warm and plain.

Man, I miss that old-fashioned from-scratch cooking and baking but thanks to Rhodes Rolls, I can almost remember Mama's dinner rolls.

Peace

--Free

Mercari or Poshmark?

 I don't know why I am writing this post just now. It's been weeks since I've shopped either Mercari or Poshmark. See, I figured out the secret to not going broke on those sites and that is to only go near them when you have something very specific in mind to shop. Never, ever randomly browse a marketplace like Poshmark, Mercari, or eBay. Trust me, it's trouble, my friends.

If you already use those sites, I would love to know your impressions. If you don't, I am warning you that they can be an impulse shopper's dream or nightmare, depending on your finances...

Now if you are looking for a certain thing - clothes, a purse, some fragrance, etc - and are trying to find good prices, include those "social commerce" sites in with the better-known online retailers. My latest buy was from Mercari and it was an amazing find. I don't know if you remember me talking about this foundation from Lancome but I have never been able to afford it since. I can finally wear it because it balances out with the humid air here in Iowa. Well, instead of paying 40 to 50 bucks, I got an unopened, authentic bottle for $20.65 (shipping & taxes included). 

When I got the purses for my SIL and myself, I thought I might be addicted to the sites but I have managed to control myself. Still, I will make sure to check them when I am looking for things I need around the house. I have to say though that, while I like the organization of Poshmark, I prefer the shipping costs of Mercari.

If I find a great buy on Poshmark (like the $3.80 silver ring), that buy is not so great with the basic shipping of $7.11. The only way to knock that down is to bargain with the seller or wait for them to see your "like" and offer lower shipping - usually $4.99. 

Mercari has plenty of "free shipping" items to sort through. Also, the basic shipping is $4.99. For this reason, I will always go for Mercari if it has items similar to something on Poshmark - or I just won't get it at all. Before I reigned myself in from browsing Poshmark, I probably saved fifty dollars just by skipping out on things because of the shipping.

Poshmark is, however, a lot more organized than Mercari, in my opinion. 

It's so tedious on Mercari to have to specify that you are looking only for items still "for sale". I don't know why else I would be looking! Also, Poshmark has better overall search functions. It's a little like going into a nice, neat store with things stacked and organized vs rummaging through a garage sale table.

Since I started this post, more than a month has gone by. I have not been back over to either site because I don't want to get sucked in. I did want to add though that I am surprised at just how much variety there is at both sites. Mecari has a much wider variety. I checked over there not long after I started this post to see if there was any Tomoe River paper for sale. Tomoe River paper is supposed to be great for fountain pens. I personally was looking for something similar to the paper Bibles are printed on. I want to be able to take notes and slip them into my Bible and would like to have the same kind of paper texture. Yeah, I know. At any rate, there was Tomoe paper and other similar types available. I didn't buy any because, well, bills and other priorities. 

So, again, I would love to know what odd and interesting things anyone has found on one of these sites. Just don't tell me about anything that I will want to run over and grab. Bills, remember?

Peace

--Free

**REVIEW** L'Oreal Paris Sublime Bronze Tinted Self-Tanning Lotion

Who'd have imagined? Black ladies can benefit from tanning products. As a matter of fact, the idea is pretty genius and it is not new. 

When I thought of using a self-tanning lotion, it was because I got some in a Target box. That one seriously irritated my face but put me back onto the idea of using a self-tanner. I had already been using this ever since I got a sample a year or so ago in a beauty box. The Jergens Wet Skin Moisturizer Self-Tanner was in too light of a shade for me but I did like the idea. As I started looking for a self-tanning product, I was self-conscious and glad that I could search online instead of in a store. What I did not realize is that a lot of black women were already onto this trick. Just do a quick YouTube search and you will see more than a few black people using different brands and types of these self-tanners. And here I thought I was on to something new...

I can't afford the expensive higher name-brand serums that are sold in Sephora and Ulta, etc, but I did find this for a reasonable price, knowing that I could return to Amazon if I wasn't happy. I am happy.

The "Deep" is for how dark you want the color. I have some glow product in a light-to-medium and it does almost nothing for me. I assume that if you are lighter-skinned, you might want to start out with a light or medium choice.

My first quest was to find something labeled "Deep" or "Dark". Next, it was to find something that wouldn't irritate my skin. I am happy to say that this particular lotion is working well and not breaking me out in the least.

I decided to write this review in a bullet-point style, listing and answering the different concerns I had. So let's go:

1. A lot of Glitter? No, this doesn't have as much "glitter" as I feared from reading some reviews. I am dark so, trust me, glitter would really sparkle. I can see the glitter faintly on the back of my hand after first applying this. On my face, I didn't notice as much. When I wash my face before bed, the color stays and the glitter goes.
2. Does it itch? I was really worried about this because I recently tried Tanologist Face and Body Drops and had to immediately get it off my skin. This one tingled slightly the first time I applied it but the tingle didn't get worse and it went away as the product dried. And, keep in mind, I am using this on my face. After that first time, I haven't even felt even the slightest tingle.
3. Does it dry out my skin? The product I used in the past was a lotion for use on wet skin and I didn't want to use anything else that would dry out my skin. This doesn't dry me out but you are to use an oil-free moisturizer, if any, before applying. I do make sure to apply my regular moist lotion in-between applications. So far, so good.
4. Is the smell offensive/strong? Sniffing the open cap, there is a faint, soapy kind of scent. It's not unpleasant and I didn't smell it when the test spot dried on the back of my hand.
5. Is it sticky? Yes. While this is still damp on the skin, it has a tacky-like feel. Once it dries, it's okay. I still like it best once I can wash my face without ruining the results.
6. Is it shiny? OMGoodness, yes! I almost hated this because of the shine on the first day. What I realized is that it is best to apply this before bed, then I can wash my face in the morning. That gets rid of both the shine and any hint of glitter.
7. Does this transfer/Is it messy? I didn't have any problems with this getting on paperwork or my clothes - as long as I let it dry completely. The advantage this has over makeup is that I don't have to deal with transfer to my clothes and paperwork and furniture, etc. When you wear dark makeup, the transfer can be a big problem. 
8. Does it affect my brow/lash/hairline color? I was careful not to get this into my hairline the first day and I made sure to wipe my brows with a damp tissue and brush my lashes too. After the first day, I forgot to do any of this. I haven't had any problems with the product messing with the color of my hair. That might be because I have black hair though. Someone with lighter hair/lighter skin might want to be more careful. I read a review that warned about orange hair... Yikes.
9. How are the results? Check out the photos are from Day 1 and 3. I was worried that I wasn't going to get the color I wanted but it really does take applying this for a few days to start noticing effects on my dark complexion. Now I think I might even do my chest, legs, and arms.

The once concern I had (and asked other Amazon users about) is why this doesn't have an expiration date on the tube. That seems important since there is a suggestion to use within 6 months. As I suspected, that might be a ploy to have people toss products and buy more every 6 months. A couple of other users assured me that they have been using a tube for much longer than  6 months with no negative effects. I am not a woman to toss perfectly good products unless they look bad, smell bad, or irritate my skin when I test them.

The top photo is what my skin basically looked like on the 12th of the month. And I say "basically" because I just chose a photo I had taken for a hair product because I knew it was when I hadn't worn makeup or anything.

And the bottom photo is what my skin looks like after 4 days of applying the tanning lotion. Again, no makeup. I didn't even blot for the shine because I want to give the most realistic view. 

The best way I can describe this is that my skin looks like I have applied a sepia-like filter, if that makes sense. The difference is more vivid in person. One of my neighbors saw me taking the out the trash yesterday and when I stepped into the sunlight, she almost gasped, no kidding. She said, "You look great!" I think she might have thought I was wearing makeup because she said that she hadn't been doing anything to her face since the COVID lockdown. I don't usually wear foundation on a daily basis and my neighbors are used to seeing me look "natural". 

Basically, this is a great way for me to enhance my natural color and not irritate my good-but-aging 59-year old skin. And I can save a lot of money too. I will now only be wearing foundation for special occasions because this is perfect for a "bare-faced" and natural look. To be honest, I wish I had discovered this sooner. I can put on eyeliner and lip gloss and look like I have applied foundation. I do need to use some clear primer just to give my skin a more matte look. I might at some point try some of the pricier tanning "oils" for black skin because I hear the effects are really nice and much longer-lasting. For now, this works and I will probably be keeping some of it around for a while.

I just remembered to mention something else. I was looking at some old photos of myself - photos from waaaay back, maybe when I was in my 30's - and I realized that aging has "faded" my color. This tanning lotion seems to have dialed 20 or more years off my skin tone. I have old photos in the sidebar of this blog where you can see what I mean. Anyway, I just wanted to add that bit of info.

Peace

--Free

The President, Peace, and Prayer

 Not many people will understand this at first, but I feel so sorry for Donald Trump. My heart is almost breaking for that man. Let me explain why I say this.

In my life, I have felt mean and vindictive. In those times, I was not happy with myself. I wasn't even that aware of my own pride or ignorance or stupidity. I've been a Christian for a long time but I have only been experiencing the Christian mindset for a short while - 6 or 7 years or so. Before then, I was still too full of myself to let God fully inhabit me. I was easily hurt by slights from others and just by the world not being fair - or in being adequately in awe of me. 

I was always chasing happiness and I finally caught it.

These days, I spend a lot of time accepting what life is. It's not perfect or even totally bearable at times but I am here to live it. Because I am forgiven, I have peace. And being forgiven doesn't mean I don't still get my feelings hurt; it doesn't mean that I don't have many regrets over things that I can replay over and over in my mind on bad days; it doesn't mean that I don't still struggle a lot with my emotions. Being forgiven means just that. My sins are forgiven but I still live with the consequences daily.

Donald Trump is someone I can feel sympathy for because he is, after all, just another human being. I don't believe that someone who reacts to life and other people the way that he does is truly at peace. I've been there.

There is a song I remember from the days I spent in a Pentecostal church. I left that church and the people of that church, but I always think of the words from that song as being the truest lyrics I know: 

"This joy I have, the world didn't give it to me. The world didn't give it and the world can't take it away."

Those are the lyrics most people think of when they think of that song but my favorite part is about "this peace I have" that the world didn't give and can't take away. 

For me, peace is the bonus that came with the salvation the Lord gave me. It's my manna or "daily bread". It's what I have in my soul in spite of any stress or depression my body or mind might go through. 

A few years back I watched a documentary about a woman suffering from mental illness. After she left the care of an institution, she spent months squatting in a vacant house and died from exposure during the cold of winter. She kept a journal and the title of the documentary was taken from what she wrote: "God knows where I am."

I was in such a shaky place in my own life at that time - grieving and lost and under spiritual attack - that I related deeply to that dear woman's story. I was sad and in a lot of emotional despair but I immediately understood just what she meant: God knows where I am. And that is my peace.

I want Trump to know that God knows where he is - in his frustration and pride and pain and needs. I want him to feel the beauty of God's forgiveness and love. I want him to feel what I feel when I read these words from Psalm 139:1-6.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.

2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

4 For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

5 You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Your presence?

8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.

9 If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,

And Your right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”

Even the night shall be light about me;

12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.

2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;

You understand my thought afar off.

3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,

And are acquainted with all my ways.

4 For there is not a word on my tongue,

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

5 You have hedged me behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

It is high, I cannot attain it.

So, yes, I still get angry with Trump. I rant and rave when he says or does another cruel or ignorant thing. Still, I come back to the thought that God loves him just as He loves me. God wants Trump to have peace. He wants all of us to have peace. He doesn't want us to be hurting and angry and mean and blind. - or even brilliant and successful and kind but still blind. And that is why I have made a commitment to pray for this man. I know that people prayed for me.

Finally, let me borrow from pop culture lingo to clarify something about Christianity: this is not a religion, it's a lifestyle. Jesus was anti-religion and he wasn't about institutions and pomp. Jesus didn't come to build committees and choirs and church boards. Jesus was born, lived, died, and then rose and he did all of that for me, for you, and for Trump. So, while we still live, let's pray for one another.

Peace

--Free

Feeling My Age (or Baby Got Bad Back)

UPDATE: Turns out that this back thing might be a bit more serious than I thought. I was rid of it (except for tenderness) for a couple of days. It came back and it's pissed. I am pretty much stuck in bed right now and laying on my side trying to type, drink water, nibble on something, and wait for the back brace to get here. My brother brought me some Advil (a no-no for me) and I am taking them only at the worst of the pain. If things don't get better after a couple of days with the brace, I will have to call my doctor. Until I work this out, posts will be sporadic. 

I will be doing a post on Free and Faith, even if it takes me all day to get it written. Please visit that blog when you get a chance.

Peace.

A while back someone asked users of Reddit when they felt they officially became "old" (or something to that effect). My answer: The first time I stood up and everything hurt for no reason. That was then. Today, I know better. 

My heart and spirit might feel thirty but my body feels its physical age. Maybe even a bit older. I wasn't able to type this post for the past couple of days because I couldn't even sit up. My back has betrayed me. 

I was about to get out of bed one morning but felt a bit unsteady. When my balance is off, I wait til it comes back 'on'. I learned that the hard way. So I'm wide awake and ready to get the day started but had to wait until I knew I wouldn't be walking into walls. After about half an hour, I was ready. My back was not.

My back wasn't really hurting before I sat up. It felt a little bit sore like I had slept wrong, but nothing awful. Then when I sat up, everything locked. I have never felt such pain like that. I literally could not do anything without feeling as if someone had a grip around the lower part of my spine and was daring me to move. 

So there I am, sitting partway up in bed, waiting for relief. That wasn't going to happen. After a bit, I managed to turn so that my legs were on the floor - thank God I sleep right on the edge of my bed - but, nope, I wasn't going anywhere further for the time being. Every thought of a movement induced pain that was like the opposite of an orgasm. Just pain like I have never experienced - and I once cracked a rib by sneezing when I had a cold that kept me constantly coughing or sneezing.

I'm not sure how long it took me to move a bit, rest a bit, move a bit, etc. Finally, I was able to grab hold of the bedside lamp pole and hoist into a standing position. Let me back that up - I was able to hoist myself into a crouching position. And I had to stand like that until the pain crept away just a bit. 

Here's the fun part of this story. Remember, I was just waking up. What's the first thing most of us do when we wake up? Hang out for a while, having conversations with our backs? No. I had to pee. I had to pee like a pregnant woman drinking a Big Gulp. I had to pee so bad that I think I lost calories not peeing myself. 

Somehow - and I'm not kidding when I say I'm not sure exactly how - I managed to creep slowly out of the bedroom and to the bathroom. The problem then became how to get into position. I could hardly get my underwear down but when I did, I couldn't get over the toilet low enough to pee. Eventually, I just held my breath and dropped down onto the toilet. I felt so pretty, let me tell you...

I cannot describe the pain that went through my back. It hurt to pee. It hurt to be sitting, but I couldn't get up right away because moving to do so hurt worse than the sitting. I knew there was no way I was going to make it into the shower that morning.

Now, I have had rare and occasional mild spurts of lower back pain over the past - I'm guessing - two years? Usually, this happened after sitting too long in one position or while sit-slumping. When it happened, I would take my time standing and then stretch out a bit. Or prop my hands against the wall with my feet back in a pushup position. My back would relax and behave. Not this time.

I have no idea how long I sat on the toilet but I had time to contemplate calling my SIL for help. Of course, my phone was in the bedroom so I wouldn't be able to buzz her in and my front door was locked so the manager would have to let her in... Ugh.

Finally, I managed to clean myself up and get off the toilet but the effort made me crave morphine. I would have crawled if I could have made it to my knees. I ended up taking a few steps at a time, holding onto counters, door frames, and walls until I made it back to the bedroom. All I could do was sort of fall onto the bed and just deal with the screams from my back.

And that is where I lay for about three hours, no kidding. And keep in mind that I am doing IF so I hadn't eaten for 18 hours when I first woke up. Now I'm at almost 21 hours and I didn't care about food but I wanted coffee like an addict wants crack. 

"Hi, my name is Trudy and I'm a 'feine fiend."

My best friend called and I was able to answer the phone. She told me to try either to get flat on my back or into the fetal position and to totally relax all my muscles. When I could get up at all, she suggested I put a heating pad on my back. (I don't have a heating pad. Stay tuned to see my substitute.) She also told me to stay down until I could move without pain. "You're making it worse by moving all around the apartment." (Like I was just sprinting around the place...)

Her advice worked. Sort of. Laying flat on my back didn't help like it had in the past. A fetal position, with a pillow between my knees, felt better.  I was able to spray magnesium oil towards the area - sort of - and after a bit, I managed to make a "heating pad".

 

That's some kitchen rags dampened 
& sealed for heating
in the microwave

The heat helped. Sort of. I still couldn't make coffee. I lay in bed for hours, sipping bottled water through a straw and dozing off and on. Every now and then, I would test my ability to move and I managed to get to the bathroom a couple of times. 

At some point during this bed rest, I was just suddenly able to move without crying. I don't know what did it. My back still ached in that spot but I could ease myself out of bed and get around if I walked slowly and carefully. 

After almost 28 hours of nothing but water, I grabbed myself some sliced brioche (it makes great oven toast!) and honey and some more water and went back to bed. 

My back has remained sore but only occasionally seizing up the past couple of days where the pain lasts half an hour to an hour or so. The problem area is still very tender and I am overly aware of every move I make. 

Since I am broke because, you know, groceries and bills and end of the month, I put this on a credit card and cannot wait until I get it:

  

Mueller Adjustable Back Brace

Of course, this part depresses me!

It was the most affordable-but-decently-rated one I could find on short notice. I will get a heating pad next. I don't know what I am going to do about a couch. My futon sofa is the absolute worst thing to try sitting on with a kinked up back. It sits too low and is made for dorm rooms not nursing homes.

 

Ain't this a blip? Just last month, I was thinking that although I'm getting 'up there' in age, the worst thing about my health is my sarcoidosis. Nope. My back is apparently jealous and wants the first place ribbon for that. It's in the lead.

Peace

--Free

Serious IF

NOTE: It dawned on me that some of my vitamins and supplements have calories. If you are doing IF, check that and make sure you know how many sneaky calories you're getting in supplements. Dangit.

A long time back, I played around with an intermittent fasting diet. It was rough and, as with Keto, I couldn't stay on track with it for some reason. At the time, I loved the idea of the IF diet but often felt so deprived and I could not fight off cravings. Recently, I kind of fell back into it unintentionally. I'm serious. I didn't want to blog about it until got into a groove.

Money IS saved!

I was talking with someone who asked about my past experience with IF. They wanted to know why I'd stopped and if I would consider doing it again. I remember telling them that the real deal with IF (or Keto, or anything) is that it really cannot be a "diet" for you. It's such a cliche, but it has to become just the way you now do food.

Not long after that conversation, I had to take a weekly dose of a medicine that makes me feel icky. Every week I take this stuff and for a couple of days, I'm just not into food. All I want is to sip broth and wait for "normal" to return. It's just part of my life. I don't like it but I've gotten used to it and it keeps me alive.

Well now. That sounds familiar, doesn't it? IF is just another life-saving habit to adopt.

When I say that I fell into IF unintentionally, what I mean is that, because of my weekly medicine situation,  I was already sort of doing something like "Modified IF". That is when you do fast, you allow yourself a small number of calories. When you aren't fasting, you can eat what you want - keeping "what you want" within reason if your goal is healthy weight loss.

My problem has not been the fasting itself but the timing of the fasts. So I got myself this free phone app. Actually, I got that app after trying about 5 other apps. iFasting happens to be the best, in my opinion. It's pretty simple and does what I need most: time the fasts and notify me. The only issue I've had is trying to add in the 4 days that I wasn't using the app.

To summarize how I've been doing this time of IF, I will repeat (sort of) the conversation I had when talking with my friend about it. She's thinking of giving it a(nother) try herself. So, in a Q&A format...

Q: How many hours are you fasting?
A: 16 to 18. Usually, 18 because, for some reason, that seems easier than 16. I have just started adding in a 24 hour fast. I'm still on my first one as I type this but hope to do one every week - maybe on a weekend.

If I get to bed around 9, this won't be bad at all!

Q: What times have you chosen to stop and start eating and why?
A: I like to start eating ("feasting") from 8 to 9 in the morning. Here's a screenshot of a  recent fasting day (from the app):

Q: How do you break your fast?
A: With a glass of water while I brew my first cup of coffee. I read that drinking water first thing in the morning (no matter you diet type) is good for you. There are lots of articles about it and this is one I chose at random.  After the water, I start having my coffee that I drink off and on during my feasting hours.

Q: What are some typical foods/meals/beverages?
A: I try to eat a lot of big salads (see below) on most days. When I want, I will "carb-up" with pizza, sweet bread, etc. I try to drink water every day and I am getting better at it. I drink hot tea with heavy cream and sweetened with honey. I mix orange juice (not from concentrate) with black or green tea leftover from the fasting hours. For fun, I sometimes blend heavy cream into orange juice and add a little vanilla extract.

Q: How do you get through the longer fasts? 
A: The first couple of days were the hardest because I had to get back into black coffee. Ugh! I have since learned to use the out-of-sight theory. If I don't pay attention to the food I have around, cravings are not bad. I go into the fridge only to grab water and I stay out of the cupboards where the snacks are.

Q: What do you drink to get through the fasting? 
A: Long or short (remember, I am fasting 16 to 18 hours on a regular basis), I drink a lot of water. I try to get Pellegrino on sale so that I'm getting something sparkling that I like every now and then. I drink black coffee made on the weak side. I think that Luzianne coffee is the best-tasting black coffee I've had because it actually tastes better black that with cream and sweeteners. (It used to be about 4 bucks a 13-oz bag and is no longer available...) Black tea is for later in the day. I am just now starting to drink green tea as well.

Q: Have you ever "cheated" on a fast day?
A: Once. I've been doing this since the 16th (this is the 12th day as I type this). A couple of days ago, after fasting for about 10 hours, I woke up and could get back to sleep. I ended up fixing a slice of pizza and eating a big chunk of vanilla cream brioche. Other than that, I haven't really had a lot of temptations. I decided that as long as I am doing well for long stretches, a temporary setup is not a big deal. That pizza was awesome. See later down in this post for my recipe to jazz up a take-and-bake pizza!

One upside to this is that I find that on the days I eat fewer carbs, I crave fewer carbs. Also, a salad can fill me up to the point where it's all I need to eat for that day.

Q: Are you losing a lot of weight?
A: No. I am losing a little bit every day (according to my scale) and my clothes started feeling and looking better after about (I'm guessing here) 7 or 8 days in. I think I would be losing more weight if I were 'carbing up' every now and then. So far, I've been great about being low-carb but I'm going to play with my menu during the next grocery order.

Q: Do you think that you will be able to stick to it this time?
A: I actually do. Before, I struggled almost immediately. This time, IF feels more natural. Also, I am going to be cutting myself some slack like I did the time I broke fast.

Q: Are you going to make any changes to the way you fast - maybe with modified IF days or adding Keto?
A: No. Other than attempting to do a 24-hour fast on a regular basis - whether once a week or once a month - I am going to keep this simple. I am trying to eat fairly healthily without really depriving myself. I think that the simpler I keep things, the more success I will have in making this a lifestyle habit. So far, the 24-hour thing isn't that much of a struggle. I just looked at the app and realize that I am doing great. I will be up, showered, and dressed by around 8:30 or so and I can drink water until time to have my heavenly coffee at 11:18 when I break the fast. I can keep busy by taking out the trash and unloading the dishwasher until time to break.

Q: Have you noticed any difference, positive or negative up to this point?
A: I wake up with much better morning breath (maybe from not eating so late in the evening?). My urine is clearer due to the increase in the water I'm drinking. My skin seems to feel better (more hydrated, maybe?) and my constant fatigue is a bit less heavy. The one downside is that my nausea from my weekly injection is worse. Maybe I need to carb up before taking my shot? I mentioned that my clothes feel better fitting.

Q: What's the best advice you've heard/read to help with fasting?
A: I figured out for myself the best ways to deal with it. A lot of people find their way to live with IF longterm and we probably share the same pointers:

• To not think about eating. Keep your hands and/or mind busy.
• Put all the "feast" time food away so you aren't seeing it every time you go into the kitchen.
• Drink a glass of water. Drink another glass. Drink some more.
• If you are on IF to lose weight, go look at or try on the clothes you have that you would like to fit better. Do a 10-minute browse through a site or catalog of what you would like to wear in a smaller size.
• Think about the dreaded weigh-in at your next doctor's appointment.
• Take a quick walk to check the mail, empty the garbage, or get some air.
• Realize that it's just food you are abstaining from and that, if you want, you can break the fast. It's a day-to-day situation and every day is going to be different. 

Anyway, this has been my experience. Here is the recipe for 'jazzing up" store-bought pizza and a list of general groceries I keep around lately.

Jazzy Pizza

• Store-bought pizza (I get Adli's Mama Cozzi's or any kind of decent pizza that is NOT Totino-like)
• Mozzarella pearls (this is the cheapest way to get full-fat mozzarella)
• Black olives (I get the canned jumbo size - not sliced) slice them to your liking
• Bacon bit-style crumbles
• Mrs. Dash or Lawry's Seasoning Salt or Garlic Salt, Italian seasoning
• Sweet peppers sliced your liking 
• Onions
• Tomatoes
• Olive oil (I have a sprayer but you can also drizzle) or butter 

Everything is optional. Use what you have and what you like. You could even drain some pineapple chunks if you like a Hawaiian style pizza. 

If you don't have olive oil, you can brush the crust and sides with a little melted butter halfway through baking. I spray the entire pizza slice with the olive oil after I've added all my extras.

 Big Fat Salad

• Bagged or fresh salad greens. I get raw spinach to add to a bag of whatever garden salad is available or just cut up some lettuce and some sweet peppers.
• Tomatoes. Roma and cherry tomatoes have been on sale around here lately.
• Sweet pickles (chopped to your liking)
• Olives (whole or chopped to your liking)
• Bacon bit-style crumbles. I have not yet found bacon on sale to fry up fresh. The crumbles last longer anyway.
• Some kind of protein or combo. I use cheese or eggs and chicken or pork or turkey - whatever I have. I like using those fake crab pieces when I find some on sale. Chop to bite-sized pieces to top your salad.
• You can season with Mrs. Dash-type seasoning or just use salt and pepper if you want.
• Ground flax to sprinkle on top. (I happen to have a huge bag that I bought and keep in the fridge. It's supposed to be good for you.)

Use whatever dressing you like. I love Poppyseed dressing - both creamy or vinaigrette. 

If I eat this salad before I eat anything else, I don't seem to feel as hungry afterward. I can usually eat nothing but a huge salad and I'm done for the day.

I hope this is helpful and/or encouraging for anyone considering IF.

Peace

--Free

**RANT** Be Who You Are & Buy What You Like

As promised in my post about my Poshmark buys, here is my rant about "designer"/luxury goods...

I would change "life" to "fashion"

After I bought those Coach bags from Poshmark sellers, I was telling a neighbor about the site and how I love what I got there. I told her what I paid for the bags and she was so excited to take a look at the Poshmark site that we pulled it up right then and there. She went absolutely gaga over the Brahmin bags she has a liking for. Of course, she joined the site and will probably go broke when she sees that there are a lot of the Frye bags she also loves. Poshmark ought to be paying me for promoting the site!

A couple of days later, that neighbor came over to show me some of the stuff she has "hearted" and while we were looking, she asked to see the 2 bags I had been raving about. Her reaction to this absolute awesomeness -

My laptop fits beautifully in  the work bag

- was... bewilderment.

Basically, she was seeing all the other Coach bags listed on Poshmark and wondered why I chose such plain-looking ones. To be honest, when I see bags like this:

Or this:

- I'm not that impressed. And this next one is just... as Amy once sang: No, no, no.

But, seriously, to each his own. I can see how any of those bags could be attractive to someone. They aren't ugly, but just so loudly branded. You would surely get noticed for carrying it.

And maybe that is why a lot of people get those types of very visibly branded bags: they want or need someone to know they can afford a Coach - or Louis Vuitton or whatever else. And that's fine, I guess. We live in a society where we seem more concerned with appearing happy instead of just being happy. And I prefer not to be a walking, talking, unpaid billboard. Especially for something so pricey that I have to wait until it hits a flea market before I can (maybe) afford it.

Maybe I am just in one of my moods? I am so tired of people doing things and having things and wanting things for... not themselves?

Anyway, I explained to my neighbor why I'm so pleased with my "new bags". For one thing, I love carrying a purse that makes me feel like me: simply but well put together and okay with being simply and well put together. I'm not a dressy type of gal like I was in my youth. I like to be clean and comfortable. And I need a bag that lets me carry quite a bit of stuff in an organized way. I once spent half an hour panicking that I had lost my apartment key when it had just fallen to the bottom of my bag.

One of the reasons Coach bags are - or used to be - so desired is that they are so sturdy and well crafted. (My mother had a couple of really good purses back in the day that lasted for years and years until they got stolen lost when movers packed up our house once.)

I'm pretty sure that my neighbor loves her Brahmin bags because they are so well-made (they really are too - just not my style of a purse). I can tell that she loves the one she carries all the time. And I mean all the time.  I told her all this and she agreed. She said that she feels "matched" well to the bag. It's a beautiful bag that can be handed down a couple of generations. She still didn't seem to love my new bags but that's okay, she doesn't have to because I do.

We all probably have at least that one purse we love but that is tattered and falling apart (and guys probably have that special wallet). I have/had at least 3 well-loved purses in the past several years. Not all of them are well-made either. Along with a really cute cloth mini-bag, this is what I have been carrying for most of the past 3 years:

About $12 at Target (??) a few years back

I love that purse but, as you can see, it's warped on the bottom of one side. Nothing I did would smooth that out. I tried loading it with heavy stuff, hanging from a rail, and blowing a warm dryer over it. Still warped. The cloth mini-bag I had was a freebie included with some purchase I made about 5 years ago. It was small but hung nicely off the arm and I could stuff a lot of things in it. Unfortunately, the handle came loose from one side.

For years, I've had a Coach-not-Coach (aka "Foach") large style tote that is made of such quality leather and so durable that it still looks great after about 25 years. The leather is wearing well just the way leather is supposed to - getting darker and softer in some places but not falling apart. The one thing that gives it away as not authentic is the non-Coach type hardware. A dear friend gave it to me and I use it as a carry-on/carry-around when I am visiting family. Every now and then, I pull it out and rub it down with some conditioner. I love it.

I pulled out the phone-calc and did the math on the age of my leather Foach - I got it in 1991 so that makes it almost 30 years old! Wow. I don't think that even the people at Coach would be hating me for this bag. INXS was playing Wembley in '91 and I was 102 pounds and strutting around in 4-inch heels like nobody's business. Talk about time flying...

Anyway.

The Coach that belonged to Mike is a coated-canvas-type material that I don't want to wear out or stain. Leather is easier to maintain and lasts longer. Also, the branding on Mike's Coach is quite visible - though not loudly so because the material is a sort of black and monochrome. Did I get that right???

Makes me think of her.

There are a couple of other brands I would love to own a bag from. So far, they are out of my reach even on Poshmark. But I am throwing out hints so hard that I am leaving marks on my family! The main brand I want a bag from is Liebeskind Berlin. The cowskin leather ones are soft that they feel like they're made of clouds and unicorn fur.  I am also keeping my eye out for something by Wilsons Leather. That or Frye's. I have heard great things about both.

For now, though, I am extremely happy with my 2 bags. As with the Foach tote, I am treating them with conditioner and making sure to massage the handles when I carry them. I love it when leather gets that beautiful used look.

By the way, for anyone wondering about the history of Coach, there's an article that goes so deep in that it's going to take me years to read it all. Here is the link.

To sum up, I don't want to tell anyone what to do, but I sure hope that the next time you go shopping, you buy things that make you happy and feel pretty. Look at me, I'm over here quarantined and happy to be looking at these purses when no one else can see them!

Well, now that I got that rant out of my system, I feel better. I am going to go and work on my budget now. I will have to be creative next month since I used birthday money for fun instead of being responsible.

Peace
--Free

**UPDATE** Uh Oh. I Found Poshmark...

Scroll to the bottom for the update/photos

Oh my good mercy, me oh my. I finally decided to check out Poshmark to see if it is a good place to get discounted clothes, towels, and household goods.

I am going to have to get a block button for that website. There is some of everything there. As my boyfriend-in-my-head, Katt Williams says: "Ever-ree thing? Ever-ree thing!"

The first thing I went looking for was bathroom stuff. I am seriously in need of some more towels. I have the same 2 cheap 6-piece sets from Walmart. When my family came to visit, I quickly ordered some slightly more decent bath ones from Amazon and I put out the best of my hand towels for them. The last time I did laundry, I was distracted and added a double amount of bleach. My "best" towels are now very fragile. So...

Shopping Poshmark is a little like shopping one of those huge open-air marketplaces you see in some larger cities. You have to be watchful of the sellers and their items. You have to not get overwhelmed at the choices. And you have to know that if you like an item but want to keep looking elsewhere, you might miss out all the way around.

My best friend, one of my brothers, and a niece skipped picking out birthday gifts and sent cash instead. Talk about always being the right size and color. Honey chile. I used most of the money to pay extra on bills but kept out $50 to get a couple of things from Poshmark:

how stinking cute is this bag???

for my laptop when traveling or
going to the library

Now that I see the process, I am going to be keeping my eye open for towels, some decor, and some yearly gifting ideas.

Of course, because I am mean, I had to tell my SILs and the nieces about the site. One of my nieces started checking it out as I was texting her and she would have cursed me out but she had to go watch for a price drop!

I am done for the moment, but I am keeping my eye out for this style of boot. I had a pair of Lavender Label Vera Wang nubuck leather boots in dark grey that looked almost exactly like this. I got them at Burlington for $70 back 2013 or so by putting them on layaway. Some evil-hearted person broke into my car and stole them not long before I left for good. Those boots were not just gorgeous but they were comfortable and I could walk in them on snow and ice. That's kind of important because I have horrible balance issues. If anyone finds something like this for sale somewhere, let me know.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Now there is one thing I am still trying to figure out. It puzzles me stupidly. Why do some people put an outrageously high price on an affordable item? I saw a Glossier You perfume solid priced at $1000. What???? I have posted a comment asking why and am awaiting an answer.

Anyway, I just thought I would share the love (or misery, depending on your budget) and tell you about this amazing online flea market kind of heaven. However, please do use common sense and be careful with your money and information. Read all the rules and check out what other users have to say about it. Not my responsibility if you get ripped off or go broke, my friend.

And, seriously, people, I need you to keep an eye out for those boots before winter gets here!

Peace
--Free


Here are the purses/totes I got.

I am kind of mad now that I got the Enzo bag. I got these two for just a little more than what the one Enzo cost and I like these so much better. Maybe I will try to sell the Enzo on Poshmark???

I was able to fit so much stuff in this bag that when I start emptying it, I look like I'm performing a magic trick. Such a beautiful and sturdy bag! And I really don't like the loud branding on "designer" bags so I love how discreetly Coach marked this one. (I have started writing a post about this very idea.)

Look at how nicely this workbag holds everything I need for a trip to the library. Sometimes, I will go over to my family's for a couple of days and this is perfect for packing up my laptop and writing notes. You know, for when my brain lets me write anything coherent!

And, uh, can someone tell my bougie behind what this little tag on the side of the workbag is for???

I only just recently learned what a "purse twilly" is and that Amazon sells them. Damn you, Bezos!
I am pretty sure that this kind of bag would not look great with a twill.  Oh well.

Don't forget to watch for the upcoming post on my thoughts about "designer" or luxury items.

Found the (almost) perfect purse

Guys, you might want to sit this one out. I am going to do a purse rant.

I love purses. Some ladies are shoe freaks or love putting together outfits. I will run around in jeans, leggings, and sneakers and be fully happy as long as I have a purse I like. And I am not a purse snob. I don't care if it costs 5 dollars or 500, as long as there is something about it that I like.

Like a lot of women, I go through phases with purses. For years, I carried gigantic purses - more like mini-suitcases. There was a time when I could go on a weekend trip and carry everything I needed in my purse and my jacket pockets. Then I went through a tiny-purse stage. I would carry something that held only gum, ID, cash, and (because I was a bad-habit gal then), a pack of smokes. Now I am back into the big-bag phase. My purses of late aren't as huge as I once liked, but I still prefer a "tote" to a crossbody-type bag.

My sister had a beautiful Coach handbag, a Coach clutch, and a Coach flat crossbody that she got for birthday gifts through the years.  I have a large leather tote that is labeled Coach but isn't a Coach and a "Foach" handbag that I got at a huge flea market type place in Texas where I also got a "Folex" watch. The bag was a pretty good fake too if you didn't look too closely at the stitching or notice that the zippers stuck. And there wasn't even a fake of the Coach number inside. I mean, it was a 20 dollar bag so what do you expect? But my sister, her handbag is a gorgeous Coach Madison bag that is just flawless. When she passed away, her daughter gave the purse to me. That was 5 years ago and I just started carrying the bag about a month ago. I get very self-conscious about carrying such a nice bag though since I am so cash poor. It's a little like people who wear designer suits to grocery shop with food stamps. Maybe I shouldn't care so much what people think.

Photo doesn't do it
justice

Anyway, I love the Madison bag because of the leather and chain strap and the roomy inside. I carry it every now and then because it reminds me of my sister and I still miss her so much that I can't stand it. But I don't want to wear out the fabric. I also don't want to risk getting it dirty or anything. So I needed a bag just as big and roomy.

I looked at some Rosetti bags because they are adorable and come in a very wide price range. Then I looked at some different purses on Amazon. My goal was to stay in the 20 to the 25-dollar range. I found quite a few really cute bags but nothing that was really just the right size and style. For some reason, I thought to go over to DSW. And, boy, do they have every kind of purse in every kind of price range. I spent about 2 weeks looking and comparing and putting purses into my online cart. Then I saw this one:

RYIN SATCHEL by Enzo Angiolini

If you copy/paste the name of the bag into the DSW search, you will see that it comes in about 3 or 4 different colors. I am not sure why they aren't all just posted on the same product page.

So cute and so roomy and so affordable. If I cut a little off my grocery budget for the next 2 weeks and use a little of my leftover birthday money. I put it in my cart and waited a few days. I went back and looked and didn't see anything nicer in the same price range. The only thing I wasn't crazy about was the gold-tone metal accents and the fact that the bag is a little taller/deeper than I like. I prefer silver accents and a more shallow interior but there were no purses with those features that I liked and could afford so I got the Enzo. That dude has some really cute bag designs.

When the purse got here, I found that the gold-toned accents weren't too bad. And the purse has a couple of extra pockets that I hadn't noticed from the online photos. What?!

What makes them so hidden are the magnetic button closures that give them a seamless look against the sides of the bag. They are pretty roomy too. I found that, even with the bag stuffed, I can still fit my phone in one pocket and my fat phone charging case in the other. They are almost like hidden pockets - and I will tell you how hidden in a second. The bag looks great with the zippered "vents" opened or closed. I'm not crazy about the shape of the bag with the vents closed but, still.

The bag is perfect for holding a lot of stuff without looking stuffed. And there are so many pockets that I've been having fun rearranging things in them. (Yes, I live a sheltered and boring life.)

Not shown: 2 hidden side pockets

So, funny story about those hidden pockets.

I had an appointment for a medical test at the hospital and, of course, I carried the new purse. (It's not like any of us are getting out much these days, right?) When I got to the check-in station, I needed to show my identification. I reach into the purse and... no ID. I check one pocket, another pocket, and another pocket. The check-in lady was giving me suggestions like "Did you forget it at home?" and "Maybe you left it in the car?"

I spent a full ten minutes searching and, finally, the check-in lady said that I could give her some other verbal info to verify my identification. So I get checked in and go find a seat to wait to be called back for my test. I start going through my purse again because I am going to have a lot of problems if I have lost my wallet. I ended up pulling out everything and sitting it right there on the chair next to me and still no wallet. But I could feel some kind of weight in the purse. Too much weight for it to be completely empty. And... then I remember the hidden pockets on each side. My wallet was in one and my phone charger was in the other.

So, I love my purse but need to remember to check the hidden pockets.

The purse was double what I wanted to spend at 40 bucks but I will be okay as long as I don't get crazy when I go for groceries. DSW has a thing for members (and I forgot that I was one) where there are no shipping costs. Maybe that's for everyone? I don't know but it was helpful this time.

If you decide to get this bag, trust me and maybe don't use the hidden compartments the first time out.

Peace
--Free

Love Spreads, Hate Seeps

Is anybody else just absolutely worn out from all this disruption of normalcy? It seems to be making me physically ill and we won't even get into what it's done to my fragile mental state.

Jenn gets me

NOTE: Because of my depression and the darkness of this post, I will be throwing in some images that may make you smile a little or think a lot.


I no longer want to read the news but can't help myself. It's like not wanting to peel back the bandaid to peek at a nasty injury but you have to know if it's getting better or worse. I'm just so tired and discouraged. Even if we do manage to start righting the ship that is our country, it's going to take a long time to fix the damage. And I am not even going to hold back when I say that it's got to start with getting Trump out of office. The man is a walking virus on peace and trust and cooperation.

A lot of people are surprised when I tell them that I didn't vote for Obama for his second term. I felt that he wasn't in line with my personal values as a Christian. Still, I look back and think today that he's such a stark contrast to Trump - and not because of Trump's so-called "Christian" values. Face it, the man is the antithesis of even human values. The contrast is in how the two men affect people just in holding the Office. My brother and I were talking about this the other day and my broken brain had a moment of intense clarity. I said, "Obama represented hope and unity while Trump represents hate and division."




I don't care whether you like Trump as a man or not (I like Obama as a man) but when it comes to the power he has to lead and rule, he's gone so far down the wrong road that we may never make it back.

When people tell me that Trump doesn't represent hate or white supremacy, I want to tell them about the incidents of racism and hate that's happened locally in the name of Trump. A family member called me crying in frustration because some of their family members have started flying Confederate flags and Klan and Nazi symbols.

Okay, let's say that Trump isn't the problem - if you can fix your mouth to do so...  Maybe he personally doesn't support racism and hate but he sure makes it acceptable for others to do so.  There are so many normal citizens who feel empowered to act out on their own ignorance and violence and they do this because they feel good about "their man in Office".

I won't go on like I could for days about this horrendous state we've gotten ourselves into but I have this personal idea about life. Love spreads from one person or situation to another. Hate seeps and creeps. It infects good people and bad. I know this is true because I think of myself as a good person but I am starting to feel hate. I hate the fools who are shaking all the tiny bits of progress we have made away from lynching, beatings, and "midnight rides" of the Klan days. I hate people who are so dangerous that they almost make me forget that not everyone is hateful and dangerous to me.


Back to Obama - and I have to say this - there is a joke among some black people about his contrast to Trump. When Obama was elected, some people joked that he would be the worst stereotype of a black man. He wasn't. He was married to one woman, had no known past disgraces, and did not hate "whitey". He tried to represent every citizen - of every race, gender, creed, and sexual orientation. Trump, on the other hand, has become the David Duke of the White House. He's had multiple marriages, dalliances, and bad business practices. Allegedly. The only thing left for him to do is don a white robe and one of those silly hats.

The worst thing about Trump though is not what he's doing but to whom. He's not benefitting the white supremacist as a person any more than he's benefitting my black ass. He's benefitting the House of Trump. He's benefitting the people who look and live like he does. I probably have more of a chance of being invited to a Trump family dinner than any of the poor whites who are fooled by him.


So I want to say to my fellow citizens - regardless of skin color - Trump has screwed us all. We are going to be living with and trying to clean up his mess of madness for a long time. He and his family will most likely still be rich and insulated from the daily life we have to cope with. He cares as much for you as he does for me.

We better all get it together and start working to make the government work for us again instead of the other way around. We are going to need to ask ourselves if we - regular people who shop at Target and Walmart and have to worry about gas prices and the cost of a loaf of bread - are better off than the people in charge of us.


Peace
--Free


P.S.: Happy 4th.