Thursday, March 26, 2009

What Is WRONG With Folks???

I thought that the story involving sex and a power tool was going to be the one to go down as Most Bizarre. I was wrong. I often am.

THIS attention-seeking genius right here is going to serve 90 days in jail for
**wait, wait - I just need to crack my neck**

...For performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum.

Yeah, you read that right. I did not say that he was having sex with another
person or that he was vacuuming out his car, but - performing a sex act. With a car wash vacuum.

Now. I know that some people might get a little lonely or frustrated or - I don't know, strung out on those sexy late-night commercials. But how lonely do you have to be to turn to a vacuum? What, you can't find something to get relief in the privacy of your own home? You don't have your own, um... appliances? What? I just don't get this. I mean, I don't like having sex with my husband in hotels where the walls might be a little thin. I sure as HELL ain't going out to the local Wash 'n Scrub to get it on with a vacuum. And even if - let's just say I am that kind of person and DID want to spice things up with the possibility of getting caught - even then, I don't think I'd want to use a vacuum hose that has been who-knows-where sucking up who-knows-what out of other people's nasty cars... (Or - here's a thought - maybe those other people have been doing the nasty with that same hose...)

I mean, damn. I don't really like to use those vacuums to VACUUM. I'm the one who always wraps a paper towel around the hose while I try to suck up gravel and grime from the floor mats. (Lemme quit lying: this is Alaska - my car only gets washed about twice a year anyway. The rest of the time, I just leave it to the other cars splashing me in traffic, run the wipers and call it a day.)

Maybe I have missed something about sex. Maybe I haven't lived enough or paid enough attention to what's going on with other adults. If so, someone please explain to me whether or not a guy having vacuum sex AT THE CAR WASH (
with a car wash vacuum) is strange or not.

I hope while this dude's in jail they don't give him mopping duties. He might try doing something weird with that little squeegee thing on the bucket. Then, when he obliterates his hanging happies, he can sue the city. Then he can buy all the women - or vacuums - he wants to help with... Oh, wait. I don't guess he'd be all into sex after that.


Whatever Happened To...?

We have a little malady here in Alaska that we call "Cabin Fever." It's something that strikes at different times depending on the individual, but for me, it usually creeps in after around the third or fourth snowfall of winter. It's when I've lost that "Oooh, look at the pretty snow" glow & edge toward the personality of Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Some people eat and gain what they stupidly call their "winter fat" (as if fat understands seasons), other people sleep in a lot - and that's why there's usually a boom in baby bumps come spring time. Me - I get manic-depressive and have fits of insomnia. The upside to this is that PMS no longer matters. My bitchy alter-ego moments are not limited to "pre-" anything; it's all one long cycle of crazy.

Anyway, I have a loving and understanding circle of family and friends. We can spot the winter blahs in each other and manage to head off the worst of them with some our own remedies. Cooking is great (which explains that winter fat b.s.), drinking... Yeah - a lot of drinking gets done in the winter. Talking is the best though. It's low-cal and non-alcoholic. Which is a good thing because, not surprisingly, along with pregnancies, the rates for suicides and alcohol related crimes in Alaska shoot right up in the winter months. How sad is that?
(This is why I'm not a big drinker. A couple glasses of wine & I'm adorable and a little less inhibited. More than that and, well - I think you have seen my posts on my famous drunk moments...)

So, practicing our brand of talk therapy, my sister and I were chatting today about how Cedric the Entertainer is coming here to Anchorage & somehow the name Sinbad came up. Remember him? The comedian who had a television show and then did a few movies? Big, tall, red-haired dude? Well, what the heck ever happened to him? **shrug**

Once we started talking about Sinbad, we moved on to other folks we haven't heard much about in a while. Like Kid 'n Play. The rapping duo of the House Party movies. Remember? And Florence, the maid from The Jeffersons?

See what I mean? It's like these people just dropped out of existence. Or maybe it's just that me and sis are getting old! Most of the people we were reminicsing about were in the spotlight back before televisions had remotes. My sister does not like computers & feels her life is complete enough without them, but she wants me to start doing searches to find out where these folks have gone off to. (I guess her life IS complete without a computer as long as I'm around!)

Anyway, we started ticking off on our fingers who we were wondering about. There's the guy from Fresh Prince - Carlton - and the oldest sister from The Cosby Show... All I could remember about her was that she had a French last name. And getting back to the Fresh Prince, what the heck happened to the parents? All three of them? Because remember there were two actresses who played the mom.

Surprisingly enough, I know that Sherman Helmsley (who played George Jefferson) is still around. I saw him on some gossip site a while back. He might not be working all that hard anymore, but he's doing something since he was on somebody's gossip list.

And of course, that damn J.J. from Good Times is still around. Still acting the dusty-assed fool, but still around. (That man just made me embarrassed for all black people.)

Now, who I'm really curious about is the little kid from the Jerry McGuire movie. The one with the spiky hair. I'm pretty sure I've seen him in something since then, but I can't recall what exactly. Hmmm.

See, now this is what happens on an almost-end-of-winter day in Alaska. Not a dang thing much to do, so you sit around having mindless conversations to get your mind off seven months of winter. The only other thing to make you survive living through a winter in Anchorage is to give thanks that you don't live in Fairbanks... Fairbanks with the temps down somewhere the same as dry ice. Fairbanks where a good sight-seeing tour takes about 32 seconds. (This is why even after being here some almost 40 years, the closest I've been to Fairbanks is passing the turn-off to it on my way back via the AlCan Highway.)

Yeah. So. I figure we've got another few weeks of this nasty, hateful winter crap. That should give me and sis time to have some more of our Whatever Happened To talks. See how exciting my life is right now? Damn.


(By the way, if you really are curious, here is a site called... Whatever Happened To...?)