Saturday, December 10, 2011

Finding My Happy Place

Okay, this is kind of funny, but it's also serious.

I always talk about my friend on here. Well, she is so much more than a friend. I should be paying her for therapy!

Lately, I had been going through some things, questioning my place in the world and thinking a lot about loyalty and recognition. Basically, I felt that I was not being recognized, or that I was purposely being "put" in a lower place in people's lives than I thought I deserved. I felt like the kid on the playground, trying to fit in with the cool kids and just wearing myself out.

Now, I'm sure my friend, who has all the patience and compassion in the world, got tired of me sitting on that pity pot. This morning, she put her foot down and just told me how it is.

She says that when people play games of manipulation and playing other people against one another, that's their problem and not mine. All they are doing is losing out, unless I keep playing along.

Wow. I didn't realize I had been playing along until I really thought about it.

So, now I have to learn to let it go, and that's not as hard as I thought it might be. I've started already. I have stopped trying to fit myself in where I am not invited. I use my energy on other things. My girlfriend said to think about what I am losing out on: Nothing. Not one thing. I now spend my energy on reciprocating attention on those who give it. As for the others,  I don't love them any less, but they will only get from me what they give. Matter of fact, I think I love them more this way.

How simple is this? And why didn't I see it?

I have to tell you, when my friend explained things this way, I felt like I was breathing new air. I felt sort of set free. When I think about the mental anguish and energy I've always put into these "games," I just can't believe it. Instead of trying to hang with the cool kids, I have to be my own kid. Other people can take it or leave it. Their loss, not mine.

The thing now is, trying to adjust to this new way of thinking. It's surprisingly pleasant, but it is different. I'm shedding years of my own neediness. I wasn't even aware of how pathetic I had to seem. I had given people power over me, whether they realized it or not... I feel like I have been given a gift of emotional peace.

I am reminded of something another friend told me years ago: "Where you are is where you are supposed to be."

My place in this world, in my family, in life, is not someone else's place. I am in my own place in life. Everyone is in their own place. The trick to being happy is learning to accept your spot and work from there.

One day I am going to ask my friend how she got to be so smart, but for now, I'm just happy that she is.