Comments?

I had stopped taking comments on the blog because I had to moderate so many inappropriate ones - or sometimes, there were no comments for days on end! Gonna try allowing comments again. Let's see how nice we can all play together...

A Little Honesty

Okay. I'm going to put myself out there and admit that I can really be one petty bitch. (I'm doing this as a  sort of cleansing exercise. New Year, new me, blah, blah, blah...) Here's some mini-rants I need to get off my chest and out of my head:

1 - I love my roommate, I swear that I do. I love her more than she knows. My hydrophobic ass would swim an ocean to get to her if she ever needed me to. But. (Don't act like you didn't know this was coming.) I am going to go all Katt Williams on her ass the next time she leaves dirty dishes on the counters right after I've cleaned the kitchen. Or when she leaves the dryer vent looking like a Wookiee or something. Come on now. I have phobias! Fire is one of them! She knows this! Damnit. I'm not just being a neat-freak. This is sometimes about safety. (Okay, not the dishes on the counter, maybe, but...) The other day she fell asleep in her recliner (which is right by the deck door - which is an emergency exit) with boxes and bags of old give-away clothes just surrounding the chair. I cleaned it all up (in case of a fire) and told her that if a fire does break out and she's blocked an exit, I'm moon-walking right over her narcoleptic ass. I'll send a firemen back in for her but... SMH

2 - This next rant is all on me. It's something I have to work on if I want to be a better person in 2013. I am, um... How can I say this?... Here it is: I am sometimes a pretty petty bitch. (We won't talk about dishes and blocking exits here, okay? Okay.) What I mean is, sometimes out of spite I will begrudge someone their proper due.

One example I can give of this is probably something you've done yourself: An acquaintance comes around looking nice. Maybe she has a new haircut or has learned to dress as if she actually owns a mirror. Let's say that she is looking really good. Let's keep talking and say that everyone is noticing. So when a friend mentions to me that old Sally is stepping up her game, do I agree that Sally's game is, indeed, stepped up? Probably I do. Out loud. But in my head, where the real me lives, I'm thinking: "So what? So the heffa got a raise and spent it getting her hair and makeup done instead of paying a bill." Then I tell myself that as soon as her perm (or weave) grows out, she'll be the same old Sally.

Now that's just an example. I've never really had those thoughts in a real situation. No. I've had worse thoughts in different situations. Sometimes these thoughts are fleeting and I ask God's forgiveness immediately. Sometimes, though...  I can hold those thoughts until I'm halfway to Hell.

I don't know why I'm like this. Usually, the Bad Trudy only comes out to play when I'm tired or mad about something. Usually. Then again, Bad Trudy has come out at times when I'm drunk. Not good. Drunk me doesn't just have thoughts in my head. If it's thought, it's said. Loudly. Yeah. So.

3 - Why do some people do the stupidest things then want the rest of us to feel sorry for them? Or at least want us to listen while they moan and cry? If I do something super-stupid, I'm only telling the nearest and dearest of friends - maybe. Some folks will cry their heart out to anyone over anything. To those people I say:

     Don't spend the last of your money on the 18th of the month when you know you will be broke at least until the 1st of the next month.

     Don't get a $60 outfit at Old Navy when you haven't bought groceries or paid the $50 cell phone bill.

     Quit telling all your friends what a loser your old man is if you're going to get mad when they call him a loser.

     Quit sleeping with random guys you don't really know if you're going to wake up tomorrow crying to me about what disease you might have. Get your ass down to a clinic, then start practicing knee kegels.

I could go on, but you get it. The people I am talking about are not young and still attending Hard Knocks High. When you get to a certain age, you should have learned some lessons already.

You know what I just realized? I need to quit being so hard on other people. (Notice how I finished my rants first?) Most of the things that irk me about other people are the things I've done myself. It's childish of me, I know. Like  a toddler laughing at an infant who still wets himself.  That's another New Year goal for me: being more understanding.

Yeah. For the New Year. Meanwhile, there's more than 2 days left in this year. I'm going to go find my roommate and have a discussion about those dirty dishes...

(heh heh, thanks to +Kim Barnes)

Peace
--Free

It's How You Say It

A tribute post to some of my favorite songs. This time, just the words:

* "(You Make Me Feel Like A) Natural Woman"

(Composers: Carole King, Jerry Goffin)

Looking out on the morning rain

I used to feel uninspired

And when I knew I had to face another day

Lord, it made me feel so tired

Before the day I met you, life was so unkind

But you were the key to my peace of mind

'Cause you make me feel, 

You make me feel, 

You make me feel like

A natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found

You came along to claim it

I didn't know just what was wrong with me

Till your kiss helped me name it

Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for

'Cause if I make you happy I don't need no more

'Cause you make me feel, 

You make me feel, 

You make me feel like

A natural woman

Oh, baby, what you've done to me

You make me feel so good inside

And I just want to be close to you

You make me fell so alive

'Cause you make me feel, 

You make me feel, 

You make me feel like

A natural woman

"Turn Your Lights Down Low"

(Bob Marley /Lauren Hill version)

[composer: Bob Marley] 

Turn your lights down low 

And pull your window curtain 

Oh let "JAH" moon come shining in 

Into our life again 

Saying ooh, it's been a long, long time 

(Lauryn- Long, long time) 

I got this message for you girl 

But it seems I was never on time 

Did I wanna get through to you girl? 

On time, on time 

I want to give you some love 

I want to give you some good, good loving 

Oh I, oh I, oh I 

Yeah I want to give you some good, good loving 

Sayin': ooh, I love ya! 

And I want you to know right now, 

I love ya! 

And I want you to know right now, 

'Cause I - that I - 

I want to give you some love, oh-ooh! 

I want to give you some good, good lovin'; 

Oh, I - I want to give you some love; 

Sayin': I want to give you some good, good lovin': 

Turn your lights down low, wo-oh! 

Never - never try to resist, oh no! 

Ooh, let my love - ooh, let my love come tumbling in - 

Into our life again. 

Oh, I want to give you some good, good lovin' (good, good lovin').

"Someone Like You"

(sung by/written by) Van Morrison

I've been searching a long time

For someone exactly like you

I've been traveling all around the world

Waiting for you to come through.

Someone like you makes it

All worth while

Someone like you keeps me satisfied. 

Someone exactly like you. 

I've been travelin' a hard road

Lookin' for someone exactly like you

I've been carryin' my heavy load

Waiting for the light to come shining through.

Someone like you makes it all worth while

Someone like you keeps me satisfied. 

Someone exactly like you. 

I've been doin' some soul searching

To find out where you're at

I've been up and down the highway

In all kinds of foreign lands

Someone like you makes it all worth while

Someone like you keeps me satisfied. 

Someone exactly like you. 

I've been all around the world

Marching to the beat of a different drum.

But just lately I have realized

The best is yet to come.

Someone like you makes it all worth while

Someone like you keeps me satisfied. 

Someone exactly like you.

"Moon River"

Lyrics: Johnny Mercer/ Music: Henry Mancini

Moon river, wider than a mile

I'm crossing you in style some day

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker

Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world

There's such a lot of world to see

We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend

My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

(moon river, wider than a mile

(I'm crossin' you in style some day

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker

Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world

There's such a lot of world to see

We're after that same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the

Bend

My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

 

That was fun (at least, for me), so maybe I'll have to so another posting of lyrics. Since I have a habit of mis-hearing song lyrics, maybe I will just leave this alone!

Peace

--Free

* Lyrics from Lyrics007

Violence Against Women

This woman's story was originally brought to my attention by a G+ buddy the other day. I just now saw this followup story.

While I was sharing the link on the above, I noticed a post stating that 500 U.S. women are shot to death         every year by their partners. (check out demandaplan.org & their petition)

I don't know what to say except that I shouldn't have to be afraid of being female. Just wanted to post it so that more people know.

Re-post, please.

Peace
--Free

Forgiveness Season

I had a great Thanksgiving and Christmas. It all made me realize how much I have to be thankful for. It also made me realize that this whole "holiday" season needs to be about more to me than it has (for me) in recent years.

Of course, I am thankful. Thankful for having come through a health scare and for a million other smaller things. Thankful doesn't seem to hit all the switches though. Thankful is only about me. I need to get more outside myself. It seems like forgiveness is what I need to focus on.

I've mentioned my stubborn streak. That streak does not coordinate well with my pride and hyper-sensitivity. I've joked that when I get hurt or angry, I can hold a grudge, plotting like Wile E. Coyote to get back at someone. That's what I need to let go of.

Forgiveness is the greatest gift I've been given and it's one I need to learn to give.

Jesus said: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34 NKJV).

I just about weep every time I read that in the Bible. Usually, I am reading it after I've lost my mind and done something that requires a lot of forgiveness. But, then, I have been the worse kind of hypocrite. I have not only sometimes refused to forgive people, but I also have used that very verse to justify my childishness. 

"They knew what they were doing, Father. They knew they were breaking my heart or hurting my feelings or making life miserable for me." 

Yeah. I've actually had talks like that with the Lord. I forgot that I am forgiven several times a minute for doing what I know is wrong.

So, this year, I am going to try and forgive any and every thing done against me. I've told myself this before, but I never really set my heart on it. When I am tempted to hold a grudge, I am going to remind myself that, by forgiving, I'm not saving anyone's soul but my own.

Matthew 6:12 is the part that tells us we are forgive as we forgive. I need to remember that.

Peace
--Free

My Lil' Man

Little D.J. will turn the big Zero-One tomorrow.

Wow.

Since I suck as an aunt & haven't finished the 2nd video for the fam, I am posting some pics here.

Just bout have this gate business figured out...

Really? A NEW gate? Aw, man...

New fam friend, my big sis & one of my "play" brothers

Couple of nieces & nephs, fam friend & her kid.

Sis feeding D.J. way before dinner's ready. Spoiled brat! lol

And... half the dinner is ready.

And he's spoiled... how?

Aw, Auntie, can't I please touch the Christmas tree?

                                                                 Drumroll, please...
                                               Lil' Man is a year old. All downhill from here!

My niece came in from N.C. & made an amazing cake. Amazing.

The "dirt" - Oreos. "Rocks" - coated chocolate. The cake? YUM>

Road construction-pattern inside

The Birthday kid & his paparazzi. LOL

Finally. Sleeping. (for about 15 minutes, tops!)

Hope you guys (especially Miss Karina) enjoyed the pics. I thought of playing this song at the party, but... Deej's a little young yet :-)


                                                                     Sing it, Muddy!

Peace
--Free

Whispers & Shouts (and Prophecy)

"There was a time when sin had to whisper."

I'm not really sure where that thought came out of my thought ramblings, but - there it is.

My usually wandering mind has been focused lately on prophecy, prophecy, prophecy... I don't feel especially clear-headed tonight, but I wanted to talk about prophecy and Bible study. Please bear with me.

I almost don't even want to mention it, but along with my Bible readings, the recent school shooting is what prompted this post. Senseless murder, unnecessary death, all kinds of hate. So much ugly stuff happening. How horrible are the words "the latest" before any other words like "school shooting"?

At the rate we are going, everyone will be killed off before the Mayan Calendar nonsense can be proved right or wrong. Personally, I believe what my mother used to say: "The Bible is fulfilling itself." This was her mantra every time there was something ugly in the news. I always did the sigh/eye-roll routine when Mom said her thing. These days though, I am turning into my mother.

Not long along, I watched an interesting video called "The Daniel Project." The link here is to watch it (for free) on Hulu.com, but this is the link for The Daniel Project site. (Interesting tidbit: the presenter - Jeremy Hitchen - is an atheist. I suppose since he is mostly paid for voice-over work, this was just another paycheck.) I noticed that there was a "Daniel Factor Conference" in August this year (Link is to Part 1 of video.)

What I wonder, is how that Hitchen fellow can remain a fully committed atheist when he heard the points made in the T.D.P.  video? Sometimes, I hear less factual or impressive info from an atheistic p.o.v. and am pressed against my own faith. My beliefs are rooted in a religion (one I bet my very life on). Is Atheism a religion?  If not, what are atheists like Mr. Hitchen counting on?

I look at just a couple of points that are often mentioned by eschatologists - those who study prophecy:

• Israel becoming a nation again (in a day, no less) May 14, 1948. Prophesied by Isaiah.
• What was done to the Jews during the Holocaust was foretold so clearly by Isaiah - down to the fact that they would be branded.

For those who are interested,  here are a few resources for your perusal:

• John Ankerberg's archive of prophecy info
• An audio of Dr. Walter Martin regarding apologetics.

I have to say that among all the different ministers, denominations and conflicting studies in Christianity, it's sometimes tough to find good information. I have never found any disagreement between the teachings of Ankerberg & Martin and the Bible. The most important thing to remember when doing any Bible study is that, when in doubt over what a man (or woman) says, go back to the Bible itself. Pray for understanding. Just pray.

Peace

--Free

Ways to Screw Up Love

No preface to this one, except to say that you are never too old to learn.

1. Not wanting happiness as much as we want to be envied. Maybe we confuse the two. Probably we do.
2. Choosing lovers (or friends) with one part of our body or mind. Some of us are still picking relationship partners without ever consulting any part of our brain.
3. Not realizing that most love is not like rice - instant and hot. Sometimes, the best love is a marinated friendship.
4. Letting money or power or position get in the way. Theirs or ours. 
5. Always looking for love. There are times in life when we need to just let things be.
6. Caring too much what others think. When you live your life based on the expectations and standards of others, you're really living their life, not your own. 
7. Letting the idea of ourselves get in the way of our reality. Kind of like Number Four on this list, but sillier. This is why so many of the young and beautiful end up old and alone. Some of us need to see ourselves - body and soul - through today's mirror.
8. Shining such a bright light on the flaws of others that we can't see our own. You probably know at least one physically not-so-hot person who wants only the best of looks in a partner. At least they know how to dream.
9. Always "going for" the wrong type. For one thing, no one should really have a "type." Having preferences seems cool, but having a "type" seems... jaded.
10. Confusing love with lust. (See Number Three.) If you fall in love with tits or ass, what happens down the road? 

And I'm not preaching. These are all things I've talked about with Me and Myself. Just thought I'd share.

Peace
--Free

Random Music Flashes

Can't call all of them "Flashbacks," so...
Go light the fireplace and cuddle up with someone sweet. I plan to.

Stereotypes Gone Buckwild

Some folks are mad at Senator Manchin of West Virginia. He is calling out the producers of a show ("Buckwild") that shows the young people of his state in a bad light. I get why some people are upset with Manchin, and I get where the senator is coming from. He's embarrassed for "his people."

This reality show lets kids show their "country" asses for everyone to snigger at. (Yeah, I said it.) Mr. Manchin is "repulsed." We've all been there. Chris Rock certainly channeled my thoughts about Flavor Flav:

We've all felt like Manchin. If you are a woman, you are Manchin every time you see another female, out in public, wearing something inappropriate for (choose all that apply): her age, body type, body shape; the place, function, etc.  If you are black, you cringe a little (or a whole lot) when you see anyone acting out one of the many negative stereotypes.

Stereotypes are tricky, though. We can feel one way about them one minute and, the next, well... (Then again, I'm a Cancer, so I have a strange way of looking at things.)

A story:
When I was in my mid-twenties, I was at a nightclub with a big group of girlfriends. We were on the prowl ourselves so we noticed any other young women with the same mission. At one point, we spotted a gorgeous girl sitting nearby. She was getting hit on by a really cute guy. She was white, the guy was black. All was well with the world. Until my friends and I could hear a part of the conversation. I don't know where this girl was from, but she sounded like she was speaking a street patois. It was so weird to hear the slang and intonations coming from someone who looked like her. Things got ugly at our table when one of the girls in my group said the most innocently ignorant thing I'd ever heard:

"She sounds black, doesn't she?"

Excuse me? What does "black" sound like? I'm black and I couldn't sound like this chick if I took lessons.  But I knew exactly what my friend meant. Still, my feelings were very confused. Did my friend think that "sounding black" meant not even attempting to speak decent English? (That would be an insult, right?) Or did she mean the girl sounded really hip? (A compliment?)

See, that's the thing: sometimes, we can (any of us) be so very ashamed of things associated with us by race, class, gender or whatever - but at other times, we can feel proud or amused. I watched "Kings of Comedy" with a white friend and we laughed our asses off, but if he ever calls me "bitch" or "nigger," we're going to have problems. (On the other hand, my closest girlfriends and I call each other "bitch" and "heffa" as terms of affection. I don't mess with the word "nigger" at all. It's just ugly to me.) By the way, I believe that interracial dating makes people either way better or way worse at respecting all lovers. After two mixed relationships, I'm better in lots of ways. Toot-toot.

Oh, the conflicts, huh?

Just yesterday, my roommate and I were in a store and saw a woman who looked as if her mission in life is to show the world she has many damns but won't give up one. She was sloppily dressed, wore too much of the worst kind of makeup, and her hair was such a mess that I swear she hates herself.
The thing is, whenever you see someone like this, suddenly you are not just you, the individual, but you are this person's sister or brother or mother or daughter - whatever. We simultaneously feel an association with and a need to distance ourselves from "those kind of people."

But, who knows? Maybe those people - the woman in the store, Walmartians everywhere - maybe they are the ones who have it together? Maybe the ones of us who are embarrassed by association are the ones with the problem.

For me, I'm with Manchin. I get why he's embarrassed. On the other hand, he's asking for censorship. If he wants "Buckwild" off the air, then I have my own demands. I need the immediate obliteration from life any public person, show, photo or advertisment (print or televised) that makes me feel embarrassed:

• to be black
• not to be a size 4
• not to be male
• not to be gay
• not to have long silky or wavy hair, short silky hair, cute hair of any length or style
• not to be the desire of whoever the latest "hot" or "It" guy is
• not to be spontaneously orgasmic at the single touch of a man (or woman)
• because I'm not light or dark enough
• not to be tall enough
• for having morals
• for being from the same state as Sarah Palin (the state of Alaska, not the State of Clueless)
• because I don't put out after the first three drinks
• because my dates don't involve limos or private jets
• for not having the whitest teeth
• for being me

I swear, I could make this into an eternal Benedictine chant. No time for that. I have to go and get the bitch and heffa in the next room (niece and roommate) so we can get the rest of this day moving.

Peace
--Free

Randomness & Followups.

• I like getting feedback on posts. Most of the time, I get emails from women, but every now and then I hear from the guys. A male G-Plusser let me know that my post the other day was not what he'd expected from reading the opening. He thought the post was going to be about men being complex. Funny enough, a friend of mine now thinks there should be a post about men being complex. (Well, hell, people, men are way beyond MY understanding. If I ever feel brave enough, I will attempt to write something about the men I know. Maybe.)
• A huge Thank You to my friend, L, who returned that part of my mind I lost when left a huge gap in my recent "The Sexiest" post. How in the hell did I leave off the hot/talented/smart John Cusack? ~sigh~ I plead amnesia due to cold meds. Or brain freeze. Seriously. It's been so cold here that animals are pissing icicles.
• My smoking (or trying not to) is going well again. The Chantix is working. I guess. For about a week, I was so nauseous and bitchy I thought I was either having a miraculous pregnancy or Sarc was attacking from another front. My doc had me pause the Chantix for a couple days to see if that was the problem. Yep. Apparently, nausea is a temporary side effect. (The bitchiness belongs to me. Cold weather just pisses me off.)
• In family news, we are really blessed. My niece is here from N.C. I didn't realize how much I missed that little heffa until I got a call from my sister early this morning, teasing me. "Guess who just got here?" (It's 2:30 in the morning, so I'm thinking... fire department? Police?) Then I hear the voice of the only person who can be louder than me, screaming, "Tru-deeeeee!!!" It's my girl, Gabs! Wow. Yeah, I missed this chick. Going over in a bit to hang out so she and I can act silly.
• Other blessing: Another niece is here with hubby and kids. Baby D.J. is getting to know some more of his cousins. It's so cute. Tai (the girl) is six and in love with baby dolls and D.J. looks just like a doll to her. Her little brother, Damien, is three and very shy. He used to be Tai's only "baby doll" so I think he's a little jealous of D.J. I just sit and watch the three of them. So cute it makes my teeth ache.
• All the latest doctor checkups have been good. I'm still losing these predni-pounds. Every week I go through my clothes to see what fits again. I just about had an orgasm yesterday when I  managed to get into a favorite pair of jeans. I'm telling you, the most random shit just makes my day. (Of course, I have another appointment coming up, so I will hold off doing the hallelujah dances for now.)
• For the really random news: I cut my hair again. Pretty soon, I'm going to look like the black Sinead O'Connor circa her Prince days. My problem is laziness. And vanity. These two personality traits (?) really are affecting my life. Just like I find it easy to (try) quitting cigarettes because smoking is an aging factor, I find it no problem at all to cut my hair because of the time it saves me in the morning. Any woman with hair on her head will understand (especially most black women): hair is a chore. I loved my longer hair, but the time and money I spent was ridiculous. The drying time, curling or straightening or gelling... Now, I wash, condition and go. There's no "bed-head" situation I can't handle. I can style this 'do with my fingers in the car going through the drive-in at Java-Joe's. It's such freedom. One of my nephews rode all the way to the top of my Gift list the other day when he complimented my short hair. Hell, if I want long hair, I can buy a wig or a weave.
• Finally, for the music today, it must be the Cancerian in me, but I swung from bitchy last night to mellow this morning. Listening to: 

Um, okay. That's it for today. I got off my lazy ass and posted (no matter how lame the post). Now I am going to head over to congregate with the small village that is my family. 

Peace

--Free

P.S.: 

Wow. This freaking sexy without even trying.

Remember kids: Smart is the real sexy.

Addictions, Afflictions & Consequences

Men like talk about the complexity of the female mind.

And this is a bad thing, HOW???

I think men are just as complex. If they talked to each other more, they might realize that.

Women talk. We talk to each other and about each other. I talk to myself at least three, four times a day.

Last night, a couple of girlfriends and I sat around talking. B and I started out trying to talk T through her bad feelings about a recent breakup. That led to all of us trading relationship stories.

B is madly in love with a man who is not as in love with her. I think that's crazy but understandable. The heart is the heart and not the brain, right. (And, yeah, she reads this blog, but everything I say here I've said to her face. No secrets in this friendship of ours.)

T just broke up with a guy who has anger issues.

I am separated from a man who has every issue from A to Z.

T is lucky (or smart) because she got out of her situation before it got too ugly. B and I have been there for the "too ugly" part. What made T finally leave her situation was the threat of being hit. She is embarrassed that it got that far. She's isn't alone. Some of us got that far and took it some miles further.

B admitted, "Shit, the man I was with a few years ago once hit me so hard, my feet came up off the ground."

I can't stay silent anymore, so I tell them, "You know how you get hit so hard that you see stars? T** slapped me once and I swear I saw whole constellations."

"Did you stay?'

"Yep. For another 6 months."

Wow, that's so hard to say.

"Where you that in love with him?"

I'd never thought about it until T asked. I surprised myself when I admitted, "Not by then. I think I was addicted. To him, to being with someone, anyone."

Even B is surprised. I've always been the woman who could do it on her own. The strong one. The don't-take-shit-from-a-man one. Then I fell in love. Or in stupid.

I get mad because they are looking at me now like I'm someone different than I was a minute ago. I tell them, "You've been there, both of you. It's easier to be with the bad guy when being without him might be worse."

Addictions and fear.

T left her situation when she felt threatened. I left mine when I started sleeping with a bag packed and the phone set to 911.

Desperate to be loved. Me a little more than T.

And then there is B. She isn't being hit, but she is getting hurt.

What she wants to know is, "How do you leave when all the guys does is love you just a little less than you need?"

There's no answer for that. Years ago, I would have said something like, "As fast as you can." Or, "I've never loved anyone who didn't love me back." (And I might have been thinking how stupid she was to be in such a situation.)

I can't say or think that now.

Anyway, B and T and I never did solve any major problems last night, but we did find a little peace in our situations. First of all, we are not alone because we have each other. Second of all, we are not alone. Just by being in the company of my girlfriends, I feel loved. If only men could understand that and get with the program.

So, what does a woman do? Go out and let someone all the way into her heart - one more time? Or not?

I've decided not to look for it, but to hope for it, wait for it and, if it happens, just let it. My mother used to tell me something along the lines of how we can either let love surprise us, heal us, give us just what we need, or destroy us.

Here's something I saw on G+ the other day. Says it all:

Peace
--Free