Thursday, March 29, 2012

Thanks J.P.

Man, I do love my family!

I went on a little shopping expedition last evening with my nephew. J.P. is mid-twenties, funny, thoughtful, real and kind. But you have to be a thick-skinned person to take him shopping with you. I wanted to cruise through Burlington's to scope out possible summer outfits (you know, because of this weight issue I have going on). Here is kind of how that went:

Me: (Stopping at the entrance and deciding where to head) "Hm. Maybe I should ask for some help?"

J.P.: "Maybe you should just head that way. (Pointing toward the "Women's Plus" section.)


After some 6 months of shopping for larger-sized clothes, I still have not mastered my vanity. I usually do a sort of Pink Panther routine of sneaking through the other sections of a store before I kind of slink into where the "big girl" clothes are.

J.P., obviously unaware that my approach to that particular section of a store is a slow, um process, just tromped right on over to that "Plus" section. And, just in case at least two of the fifty other people in the store hadn't noticed us, he practically shouted my name when I wasn't moving fast enough.

"Here are some big, roomy blouses!" he yelled. "Cheap, too!"

Damnit. Really, J.P.? Why don't you repeat that so the cute guy halfway across the store didn't hear you? (This is where I started being really thankful for my super-hero ability to go emotionally numb at will.)

So, okay, the clothes in the "Clearance" section for larger-sized women was not as dowdy as I expected. When I shop at Walmart, the bigger clothes are either super-freak loud or dowdy as hell. These were nice. I saw a lot of different prints, nice color combos and super cute styles. Those $7.99 price tags didn't hurt a damn thing.

It only took me about five minutes to pick out a few tops that I could work around the "roomy" jeans I got for Christmas. I was almost enjoying the shopping experience. J.P. was busy looking at a starved-looking heifer a couple aisles over. Yeah, she got to shop in the regular "Misses" section. No big, glaring pink "Plus" signs over there.

Me: "Okay, I'm going to go try these on."

J.P.: (Glancing at me only long enough to notice one particular selection) "You're getting that?"

Me: "If it fits." I kind of liked the animal print, even if the hangar had a purple "L"stamped on it big enough to be seen from space

J.P.: (Shrugging and already back to scoping on the skinny chick) "You're gonna look like a pregnant cheetah, but, hey, do your thing."

That little shit. I used to change his diapers and I still love him to death, but I hoped the girl he was checking out had a boyfriend. A big, burly, thuggish boyfriend.

I went in and tried most of the 6 tops. I could have stopped after the first one. They were all marked "Large" but it was becoming clear to me that I was going to need something in "Extra Large." The tops were cute but tight. (Tight when you are a size 6/8 is se-xy. Tight when you are a - well, my size... Not sexy. From the neck down, I looked like Homer Simpson.)

If I wasn't paranoid about germs, I'd've sat on the dressing-room floor and cried. Still, I couldn't help myself. I tried on the animal print top. I think I need to ask my doctor about my tendency toward masochism.

J.P.: (Eyeing yet another girl and barely noticing when I came out of the dressing room): "She's cute, isn't she?"

Me: (Dumping all the tops in the Return cart) "Yeah. Cute. Let's go."

J.P.: "You done?"


"For real? Not going to look at anything else?"

"Not tonight."

We got all the way to the parking lot before J.P. asked, "Looked like a pregnant cheetah, didn't you?"

"With triplets."

He slung his arm over my shoulder. "It's gonna be all right, Auntie. You're going to lose the weight and be really healthy again."

Man, I really love my family.


Note: My intention is not to put down large sized people. This blog and my postings about my health issues are just my way of dealing with things. I surely don't want anyone practicing unhealthy eating habits to meet unrealistic expectations. Please, do what looks good, feels good and is healthiest for you.  I'm aiming for a healthy weight. I am working my way back to what is natural for me. I am under a doctor's supervision for my health issues. (I still might need a psychiatrist, but this blog is cheaper therapy!)