Sunday, April 14, 2013

Laughter Can Be the Best Diet and Exercise

So... I've been making it to the gym. Can't back out of that 20 bucks a month contract now. Damnit.

I'm proud of myself. Eating better, still not smoking, and belonging to a gym for the first time in about 8 years. Yay for Planet Fitness.

The roommate and I dragged our out of shape butts over there twice last week, but since it takes us a good thirty minutes of pep-talking each other to go, we came up with a plan. Three days a week is going to be our goal. That's pretty much giving us a day in between to rev up for and bitch about the next workout. Saturdays are going to be our "treat" day: a luscious, creamy coffee concoction from the Sugar Shack or a burger made by someone who has no idea how to spell "healthy."

When I talk about "treats," I mean, anything decently delicious is the real deal. A Thin Mint would be a treat. Most days I survive on cereal (hot or cold), bowls of chunked-up fruit (cheaper as summer approaches) or those liquid yogurts I've become addicted to. Sometimes though, I have to give one of those staples a break. Last week I ate so much cereal, I wanted to beat a turd out a the Quaker Oats guy.  Seriously.

I can't even cuss about any of this.

Grocery shopping makes up about a fourth of my walking exercise since I can't get it all done in one store. I generally shop at Walmart, Carrs-Safeway and Fred Meyers. I get my canned goods at Walmart. I don't mind getting the occasional apple or watermelon there, but I prefer other places for my colors and packages. (Is it just me, just in Alaska - or does the produce from Walmart seem to start turning the moment you get past the theft sensors?) Walmart clerks already know me by my first name since I use the store as my clothier, Deli and stationers. They see me coming and start pointing out the current bargains.(Who the hell needs Bergdorf when you have Walmart? Hah!?) Lately when I go in, they start re-stocking the canned hominy and seltzer waters. I can't afford much else but fruit and veggies on sale at Fred Meyers, but I have loyalty cards for them and Carrs.

Fruit is the current love of my life, even though, just like with a boyfriend, I want it to go away so I can miss it just a little. I have eaten so many melons and grapefruits that I dream in yellow, green and orange. Melons of any kind make me pee like crazy. They make my roommate burp. My roommate does not care when or where she does this. I was brought up Southern and Pentecostal. We hold stuff like that in until we have a bit of privacy. I once almost put out my back after eating beans that weren't soaked overnight. But. I was talking about diet and exercise...

I don't want you to think I'm complaining. At least, not about the food. No, I save my complaining for the gym. And I'm not talking about the workout itself. The workout is only half the struggle. The real fun started for my me and my roommate when we had to walk around with our reading glasses on to study the label on each machine. We looked like two grandmas come to town for the day.

"Why, looka here, Bessie Mae! This 'un is for your 'pec-, pec-, uh, something-oral." (Sounds like country porn, doesn't it?)

Thank God that Planet Fitness does mark all their machines with nice clear instructions. Hell, they even have illustrations for the really stupid people. I just wish the pictures were bigger so I didn't need my glasses to see them!

If you think we looked crazy trying to figure out what each machine was for, you should have seen us using some of them. That was true entertainment. My roommate will kill me when she reads this post, but, I swear, she was straining so hard to get on the seat of an ab machine that she ripped a big loud toot-toot. And by loud I mean, imagine an air-horn in an echo chamber. I have never been able to hold my laughter. All that came to mind was what my uncouth roomy likes to say after she rips one: "At least it don't stink." She says that every. single. time. This time, I just about slid off the little ab-swivel thingie laughing. I was thinking that a bad smell couldn't make this situation any worse. Thank God and His universe that the gym wasn't very crowded. Besides, Planet Fitness members tend to ignore one another. It's part of the "No judgement" code they have. I'm too new to this code. I laughed so hard I'm sure I dropped about 12 ounces of water weight.

Yeah. We stayed only long enough to slink to the lockers and grab out street clothes. Slid right out of there, quiet as we could.

The excitement over my roomy's oops should have died down by the time we go back on Monday. If not, we will just have to go across town to another location. Whatever. Maybe now the roomy will listen to me and not be so free about dropping toots and belches in public.


111 days, 23 hours, 49 minutes.....

Free is still SMOKE FREE!

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