Sunday, July 20, 2014

A Time of Waiting

I'm always quoting Zora Neale Hurston's line: "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." I'm not worried about years, but, lately, I feel like I am living in a time of waiting.

My family and I are waiting to see how my sister's chemo is going; I am waiting to move and be settled; I have a friend who is waiting to see whether or not she will be moving. I have another friend who's wife is battling cancer. I'm waiting to hear how they are both doing. So, really, I waiting and praying. Lots of both, but I'm ashamed to say that I've been doing more worrying than praying. Bad habit.

In this time of waiting, I've been having moments of reflection that come out of nowhere. Not the good kind of reflection - like musing over hopes and goals - but the bad kind.

Last night's moment was dark. Early in the evening, I was dog tired, but when a sudden rainstorm started, I couldn't sleep so I just sat up feeling as if all my life is hanging in the middle of the universe. Waiting for something. Wishing I knew what all I need to be prepared for when the waiting ends and the breathing begins again. There have been a lot of those kinds of moments.

The other day, when I was visiting DJ, I actually did have one nice moment. He and I have this thing where we call each other "Boo-boo." (Him: "Bye, Boo-boo, I see ya 'laler'." Me: "No, Boo-boo! No spitting!" Him: "Okay. I sorry, Boo-boo.") I was watching as he struggled to put on his favorite (and about-to-be too-small) pair of shoes. I spent a few minutes wondering who and what he will be in ten or fifteen years.

Today, after a dismal start to the morning, the sun broke free and I just needed to be outside in the warmth. I had a nice moment of watching a tiny squirrel skitter around in the branches of a tree, but when the wind kicked up, I just felt so sad and lonely that I started questioning the meaning of my life.

It's all this waiting that is making me so restless and moody. I need time to speed up a little bit, just enough to end all the waiting and show some answers to my prayers. I just want to be out of this particular space of time.