Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Little Big Things

The gray and rainy weather here has me in a certain kind of mood today. I'm stuck in bed fighting fatigue again and my brain is the only part of my body that has energy. And for some reason, I am thinking about time and life and everything to do with both. Forgive me now for any typos or wrecked grammar. The brain is working but at its own pace...

 Isn't it strange - or maybe profound - to think that the whole entire and total fate of a person can hinge on one word or gesture? Just imagine how many times in your own life that your path was changed by your looking up at the right moment. Maybe you looked up or over to meet someone's eyes or to notice something that fired an idea in your mind. Maybe you were feeling down and out and just happened to see something that changed your attitude.

I probably have mentioned before about the time my mother pointed out to me how much of an effect we can have on people. She felt that attitudes towards strangers were important. That the difference between out sharing a smile or frown could be the one thing to encourage someone to hold on or to give up.

Can you think times when your whole universe became about a little thing? Like a phone call about a job - or a call from a crush, or one from a doctor with test results? Sometimes it's something as small as a compassionate glance shared with a stranger on a day when you needed that tiny, passing connection. Maybe it was a time when you didn't feel lovable or 'want-able' but something happened to make you feel better. like hearing a beautiful piece of music that reminded you of beauty. Or maybe it was just the way a cool breeze of air felt on your skin when you needed - really needed - to feel something that simple and lovely.

There are just so many little things that change big things. Little atomic particles of the universe that change lives and futures. Little fractions of moments that make us hold our breath while the next fraction is our reason to let go and just breathe again.

I sometimes think back over my own life and try to find some of those moments. The little moments that changed the course of my life. The moment when  I made or broke a relationship. That time that I didn't say what I should have but then did say what I shouldn't have. The apologies I didn't offer. The care I didn't take.

There are other moments - fractions of life - when I was in sync with the movement of my fate. Time and moments.

To imagine that a tiny alteration of my past might mean the difference in which of the people in my life might not have died when they did or been born when they were... But the thing is, we are all just here. We can't rotate or zoom in on moments once they have passed. We are living from breath to breath, creating little ripples in the universe.

That's enough for now. These bouts of deep thinking are only good for a little while before I need someone to share thoughts with.


By the way, there are going to be quite a few days ahead where I will be recycling posts. I am finally getting to wean off the prednisone and my mind always goes through an adjustment period during the weaning.