Friday, April 26, 2019

Book/Blog or Blog/Book

Some years back, a long-distance friend of mine who knew I was struggling with putting together a book made a suggestion. His thought was that I should publish some of my blog posts in book form. This is back when I had several blogs (some hidden from public view) and this friend had seen the unpublished stuff and most of my unfinished notes. My excuse then was that I was busy working and trying to care for my sister. Then I started working two jobs and was feeling really overwhelmed by life. Then I was in a very consuming relationship which became my addiction. Then I was always jonesing and hustling to hold on to my drug/love of choice. Then I was busy trying to kick and break away, get away and detox. Then I was living from pillar to post. Then my wobbly finances finally toppled and went all to hell and I was hiding from bill collectors and my past. Then I backslid into my addiction a couple of times. Then I was intervened and rescued by friendship and a total no-judgment zone of open arms. Then I was starting a new job in a new field and kind of hiding from the ex. Then, suddenly, I was sick.

And now I am here.

I've lost track of that friend from long ago. When I was running all over the place and from my problems, I heard that he had gotten seriously ill. I lost phones and numbers and address books and wallets. I lost track of a really good person and I still don't know if he is okay.

But I am here.

I remember what that friend said to me about not being afraid to let the world peek at hidden pieces of my life. That friend told me that the reason we are often so afraid to show all of ourselves is that we are afraid no one will love or want us in our bare humanity. We don't want to show the scars and scratches and rashes and bruises of mistakes and miseries. We only want to show our photo-ready selves. We only want to share the best of who we have learned to pretend to be.

My mother used to say that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. I don't know why it's so easy for us to love in the present tense. (And, by the way,  I don't even know what that thought has to do with this post!)

Anyway,  I say all of that to say that I am working on putting some of my blog posts into book form. I want to do it as an act of bravery. It will be like standing naked and true for anyone who wants to see. And if no one wants to see, well, that's fine. In today's print-on-demand world, self-publishing is all no-harm-no-foul.

As far as the book being seen, there are only 2 people I really care about: my lost friend and someone else.