Saturday, April 27, 2019


Remember the James Brown song "The Big Payback"? That's what flashed into my mind the other day when I tripped and nearly busted my ass.

My mother had a saying: "God don't like ugly." He certainly does not. I'm not saying that He was behind my mishap but if He was, I deserved it.

A couple of weeks ago one of the regular visitors of one of my neighbor's was here. She's not the nicest woman I've ever run across. She always makes direct eye contact - which is great - but she never smiles or gives any kind of friendly acknowledgment. She just looks and dismisses. What a witch. Since I know how she is, I try to pretend not to notice her presence. However, on this one particular day, she was waiting for the elevator just as I came around the corner on my way to the laundry room. I accidentally made eye contact just in time to get one of her snotty looks. She went to step into the elevator and her shoe caught on something and she almost fell into the lift.

I am not always a nice person. Of course, I could have been decent enough to make sure she hadn't hurt herself before I laughed, but I wasn't even a decent person that day. It was just so shockingly funny the way she'd given me her glare just before flopping into the elevator. (By the way, she seemed to be okay. She was straightening her top as the doors closed.)

Since I've outed myself as a heartless idiot, let me go all the way and admit that I was only able to hold back a belly laugh until I got to the laundry room. Thank the moon and stars that no one else was in there because I laughed until I needed to go pee. I could not stop replaying the whole glare-and-trip sequence. It was hilarious every single time. I was still laughing whenever I thought about it. All the way up until this morning,

My balance is sometimes just slightly off (or really off, depending on whether my sarc is flaring) When my balance is only slightly off, I am not always aware. This morning,  when I went down the hall to check my mailbox, I wasn't aware. Until I got back to my apartment and tripped on the throw rug outside the door. I tried to catch myself by grabbing onto the door handle. Because the door was unlocked, the handle tipped down and the door flew inward and I almost ate carpet.

I didn't actually hit the floor with anything but my pride but I did a clumsy little jig just to restore my balance. And in my head, I could hear the Maceo giving James a beat for the "Payback".

This is what I get for being so mean sometimes. I am always finding the mean-girl humor in someone else's mishaps. And I am the shyest, most selfishly sensitive person on the planet. I guess I should just be thankful that no one witnessed my little indignity. Maybe next time I see someone else in the same situation, I won't be so cruel. Even if it is a certain someone who isn't nice to me.

As part of my penance, I am sharing this publicly. Now I can sit down and get some writing done with a clearer conscience.