Monday, April 29, 2019

So Very Vain & Ashamed

I would like to think that I outgrew being overly vain once I matured past my 30's. I'd also like to think that I am very "comfortable in my skin". I'd also like to sprout wings at will.

Most people probably are comfortable with themselves. I mean, at least those people who don't photoshop the hell out of their online photos. I was never comfortable with my personality but I was comfortable with my appearance. What I have recently figured out is that most people are comfortable with their appearance depending on their appearance. Let me tell you what will test that comfort level: any change in appearance.

When I got sick and gained weight, I adjusted. I made it work. I dealt with it. When I could no longer wear heels, I dealt with it. I dealt with it resentfully but, hey, I did deal. When I lost my hair the first time, I dealt with it. I cut it off and worked the hell out of a short 'do. But there are limits.

I broke a tooth a few years back. A front tooth because of course. I had to get a crown and I went to a cheap and mediocre dental clinic. And, oh damn it, what a horrible job they did. That was fine because you know what? That's life and, oh well. I dealt with it. Like a boss. Then, about a month after I got the crown, my front teeth began forming a gap. So I now have a gap.

And mine is not cute like this one

The gap didn't bother me until I saw someone I had not seen in a long time - since, you know, during my pre-gap life. The first thing she said after we did all the look-at-you b.s was "Girl, what happened to your pretty smile?" Yeah, she said that out loud.

Okay. Since then, I have not dealt well with this gap. I almost never smile anymore. And don't forget, I have the whole resting bit*h face syndrome. I always walked around grinning like a maniac because my non-smiling face was mean. Now, I don't care. The only times I show these teeth is when I get so tickled I can't help myself or when I momentarily forget about this damn gap.

So the next time I criticize someone for photo-lying with some airbrushing, please remind me not to be such a hypocritical ass.