Healing by Music

 Sometimes, when you are deep in your feelings - whatever those feelings are about, whether anger, love, pain - it's hard to find words to express those feelings. For a while, maybe a couple of weeks or so, I've been in a weird place. My mind gets stuck on thoughts about certain events in my past or loved ones I'm missing. When I get there, I can't unstick the gears and move out of that place. The other week, I was thinking about my best friend who recently died. I couldn't stop thinking of the five months I lived with her when I was going through a really bad time. My mind just got stuck in a bunch of memories about what was happening to me then.

When you're stuck in the quicksand of good thoughts, that's one thing. But there wasn't a lot good about my life during that five-month period - except for the fact that I had family and friends trying hard to keep me sane and whole. My best friend was so crucial to my sanity. She understood how badly my heart ached. She understood - maybe when no one else did - why I was having trouble walking away from a man who was not the right one for me.

So, recently, when thinking about my dearest friend, I somehow let my mind get stuck on the worst things about that time I lived with her. I almost could not get out of bed until the day before yesterday. I just cocooned myself in blankets and re-played bad memory after bad memory after bad memory. I've been stuck like that before but this time just ran me into a bout of depression that was dangerous.

I knew - or felt - that if I could just come out from under for a little bit of brightness, I might be okay. But I couldn't pull myself up. It didn't help at all that our weather has been grey and stormy. Damnit, Iowa.

During bad weather days, I have a habit of listening to music on YouTube. I will pick one song and then just let the algorithm select what follows. Here's what I was finally able to grab hold of and lift myself up.

The music was like air. I felt like I did when I was younger and my mother would hold me and just let me cry - about work, or over a loss, or in anger and frustration. I felt soothed.

Here's what's crazy: I am so ignorant about classical music that I didn't even understand the title of this piece. I had to Google the YouTube title to learn anything about where it comes from. (I can fake my way through a conversation about classical music by tossing out phrases like, "Beethoven's Sonata .... blah blah blah" and hope no one calls me on it. Other than that, music is, for me, like art: I only know what I like.)

So, after days of only leaving my bed to make trips to the bathroom and to get water, I was able to shake off my bedcovers and sit up. I put that song on repeat and listened to it for probably an hour. Then I got out of bed and took a shower (at 5 in the afternoon), washed and combed my nappy hair, and then had a little something to eat. I was up until after midnight, catching up on emails and text messages. When I went back to bed, I didn't just cover my head to keep out the world, but I actually slept and rested.

What is it about music? Why is it that this song was for me like David playing the harp for Saul? I think I figured it out. 

One reason I probably had never heard that particular piece before is that I tend to limit my dabblings in certain parts of art and culture. I'm great about reading any kind of book. When it comes to art, I refuse to consider anything that wanders too far from the likes of Georgia O'Keeffe, Ernie Barnes, or whoever did the Ohio Players album covers. I listen to all types of music - classical, jazz, blues, R&B, Rock, etc - but I get irritated by anything that doesn't immediately fit my ears' ideas of what that music should be. Basically, I'm kind of a cultural bumpkin.

One positive thing about me (I think) is that I can be introspective. I might be screwed up in a lot of ways but I like to understand how and why I am screwed up. So I started thinking about why I limit myself to certain kinds of art, literature, music, food, people, etc. That's a river too long and deep to swim this day but I did come up with why I don't appreciate more genres of music.

Here's the thing (and pardon me for getting poetic and flowery): Music is so diverse that you have to want to or have a reason to understand the different types. I don't have a good ear for good music. That's because I never developed an ear for it. When it comes to music (and some art), I am the Ugly American who only speaks English and wants everyone else to speak enough of it so that I can understand them. And music is a sort of language.

My father loved all kinds of music. ALL kinds. He tried to get me to appreciate the Blues and Jazz. I liked what I liked and pushed the rest under my napkin so I didn't even have to look at it. Yecch. 

It's me with failing at learning a spoken language all over again. I spent some of my early years around mostly Mexican neighbors. The only Spanish words and phrases I remember are ones that can't be spoken in church. Same thing with Welsh. In my early twenties, a friend taught me several phrases and I forgot all of them except how to tell someone to kiss my ass. I even forgot that several years back.

Again, music is like spoken language. It's about all the same emotions and yearnings and pain and sexual desires. Some are in the language of the Blues or in the poetry of Rap, or... You get what I mean.

My problem is, that I have limited myself to speaking and hearing only what I like. There's so much more out there.

That beautiful piece of music that lifted me up has been around since 1880. (And, yeah, my dumbass had to look that up.) That could have been a good thing in my life since I first ever wanted to hear any kind of music.

How sad that I have been missing something that I love, not because I was blind but because I refused to see.

Anyway.

I resolve not to limit myself. I want to at least know what it is I am missing.

Peace

--Free

P.S.: If you can't tell, this is not the best day for my sarc. It's acting up and I am having trouble expressing my thoughts in a coherent way. Thankfully, there is a new specialist at the local hospital and I won't have to drive a couple of counties away to be seen. I should be communicating more clearly soon.

Vegas Memories

Just a bit of a memory stroll today. 

I ran across this and thought of a fun December trip to Vegas a few years ago. 

What a show these guys put on! One of my older brothers and favorite SIL (Psst! They all are my favorites!) had such fun. 

This is what I remember from the day and night we were there: 

• My SIL (from Arizona) was wearing a freaking mini parka because she was cold (what?) in the 68-degree weather. My body was still Alaska-nized/Iowa-ized so I was wearing shorts and drinking anything that had ice in it. 
• I got drunk off 2 drinks) at the bar in Crush with the SIL.
• After Crush, my cheap drunk self thought I was hallucinating when we walked past the Jabba's store and the "mannequins" suddenly came alive for a moment.
• The SIL and I drank some more and drinking made me want to smoke again. I paid something like $15 for a single pack of cigarettes - because I bought them in the hotel instead of going to a convenience store outside down the street... I was more than happy to go back off the tobacco immediately after that trip but I smoked like a hooker's coochie for 2 days.
• The show we had bought tickets for was canceled while we were standing in line to board the flight to Vegas. We decided to go ahead and make the trip. Since we were staying at the Grand where the dancers were being featured, I chose to see the Jabbawockeez Jreamz show instead. We stopped at a street kiosk on the Strip to find another attraction, and...
• the 3 of us tried hard not to laugh out loud on the street as we watched a couple of 80-year-old women who'd been on our flight hilariously cuss out the artist who'd pulled the no-show.
• I (again, coming from Alaska - home of the best pot in the world - or so I've heard) got absolutely wasted just breathing the weed fumes while walking down the Strip. My brother practically had to hold me up. And it's Vegas so no one noticed. 
• I couldn't help myself and started crying (probably cos I was still unintentionally high) while watching the Fountains of Bellagio synced to "Oh, Holy Night".
• The Jreamz show was amazing. I got my hand kissed by a Jabba who came through the audience pre-show and I am to this day trying to understand what is so sexy about a man who can dance even when you have no idea what they look like.
• My brother tried not to show it but he liked the show as much as the SIL and I did - and we were dancing in our seats through the whole show.
• Even at my age, I love being with my family. Being with any of my brothers always makes me feel safe and loved. Being with my SILs makes me feel like part of an exclusive group of crazy-sexy-cool ladies.

This is not the first nor will it be the last time I say this: the best gift my parents ever gave me is my sister and brothers. We don't always like each other but we love each other always. Watching that newer video from the Jabbas brought back a lot of good memories. 

Peace

--Free

Caffeine (via Instant Espresso Powder) is Life Right Now

 Being on my new renal diet for the CKD is going well but only because I found a new way to get my caffeine fix. And let me just pause right now to thank the good Lord in heaven that I can still have my daily coffee. Without regular sex, cigarettes, and alcohol, coffee is life.

If you have checked my blog about this whole CKD thing, you know that I've struggled with adjusting my diet to keep this sarcoidosis (and the sarc meds) from killing my kidneys. So far, so good. I hope. The thing is, I've had to give up a lot of my favorite foods. Cutting back on the food has not bothered me as much as I expected. But the coffee thing...

When I make "regular" coffee - that is, coffee brewed in the machine - I tend to use too much sugar and dairy creamer. I have learned to substitute dairy products with nut and plant creamers. Rice milk and macadamia milk are the two I tolerate best. Still, they seem to weaken the flavor of the coffee. So I have switched over to having a couple of espresso-based drinks each day. And you know what? If I have a good mocha, I don't miss some of my food. Seriously. Not having my Greek yogurt or collard greens or pinto bean stew... Not good on a bad coffee day but, with decent coffee, I can deal.

Keep in mind that just late last year, I bought a new coffee maker. A freaking Ninja that is suddenly on sale - after I took a big chunk of my measly budget to buy one. The same machine is now about 30 bucks cheaper. To make matters worse, I find that I've hardly used the thing in the past three or four weeks. Because... espresso.

After one of my recent doctor's visits - where we had to dang near ride across the state to get to - my family and I stopped so I could treat us to a coffee at an actual shop. I treated myself extra and got a mocha. It was the most delicious thing I've had in a minute. And I realized that I was enjoying coffee for the first time in a while. 

The problem with coffee shop drinks is that they are pricey. And I'd have to actually leave my home to get one. You probably know that I don't like leaving my home. Outside and I are not friends. There are people out there. And germs. And stress. And anxiety. I leave my home for food (when I don't order in), medical care, and family. If a tornado ever touches down here, I will leave to take shelter at the church across the street. Maybe. It depends on how bad the tornado acts up.

Anyway. I was talking about coffee. And my renewed love for espresso.

So. I allow myself to have one espresso-based drink in the morning and another one around midday. If I'm really dragging ass, I will have a second midday drink. The only thing I'm careful about is adding the chocolate sauce. Chocolate is one of those delicious things I can only have in moderation these days. And that's fine. I can skip the chocolate and just have the... Latte? That's the mocha minus the chocolate, right?

The tough thing was finding a cheap way to make espresso. I looked at the various machines. I figured I could swap out the Ninja coffeemaker for a budget espresso maker. Ha! There is no such thing as a budget espresso maker. There are some affordable makers but most of them don't seem to get the best reviews from other users. Mostly though, what bothers me is that some machines look so complicated. I'm pretty sure I could blow myself up just using one. I went to Reddit for help. Some comments were informative but we are talking Reddit so...

Reddit and the coffee subs

When my family learned that I was looking for an espresso maker, they offered to get me one but I don't like them gifting me things outside of Christmas or my birthday. Besides, I'd probably blow up my kitchen trying to mess with an espresso maker. That's a thing, right? Of course, there are the Nespresso machines - and they aren't too, too expensive for the lower-end models but... I quickly realized that Nespresso - or De'Longhi or whoever - isn't making money on the machines. They are making the real bucks on the coffee. 

I got so excited when I found a Nespresso/De'Longhi machine that I could kinda-sorta-afford (only because of the flex plan on one of my credit cards and I have some Amazon credits), that I had it in my cart and ready to go. Thank God for an excellent credit rating, right?

The machine and...

...the payment plan

...Then I went looking for coffee capsules that would work with the machine, and... Yeah, no, that's not going to happen.

I get 35-45 servings from a $12 jar of Nescafe

Anyway.

I now have about 6 machines and coffee packages sitting in my Saved For Later cart on Amazon. In the meantime, I looked around for another way to have espresso. And I found it.

And no worries about a machine

A good brand of instant coffee isn't as awful as most coffee snobs might say but it's not my go-to. The only instant coffees I like for my dalgona coffee are the Aldis Beaumont brand and the standard Nescafe. 

The Nescafe Gold that is imported from Canada (and why is everything Canadian always better than the American version???) is truly gold. 

My brother, who once owned a coffee shop years back, laughed at the idea of making an espresso from an instant powder. Then I made him a mocha. He's not laughing now. I gave him and my SIL a bottle of the Nescafe as a good old Southern "bless your heart". It's how we say "Told you so".

I use Torani chocolate sauce (in moderation) and the only complaint I have is that my drinks never stay as hot as long as the ones from the coffee shop. That's probably because I always serve them in my cute little cup and saucer for eye appeal. Who am I trying to impress? I'm going to try serving them in my short thermal mug from now on.

Now, I am not sure if all instant espresso is as good as this Nescafe. I can tell you that I got some Cafe Bustelo and it's good coffee, in general, but it does not even try to foam the way the Nescafe does. The Nescafe will start to make a crema (?) the minute I add a few drops of the water with no prompting. I stirred and rotated the hell out of the cup with the Bustelo and it was just... yeah.

Messy but you 
get my point

By the way, the Bustelo is chunky (like regular instant) where the Nescafe is truly a fine powder. 

I should mention that A few years ago, I was given a milk frother. I'm almost ashamed to say that I only used it once and that was to make hot chocolate. To be honest, I wasn't sure just how else to use the thing. Thankfully, I saved the manual. The frother has been amazing! (I checked and, sadly, this frother has disappeared from Amazon but someone did a video review of the exact machine I have.)

Here is the drink I made this morning.

So, yeah, I'm down with giving up brewed coffee for espresso. I'd rather get a big hit of caffeine once or twice a day rather than several bland cups of coffee throughout the day.

Best of all is that I can make my lattes and mochas using macadamia or soy milk. The macadamia froths up well (it's what's pictured) and I sometimes add a tablespoon of either half-and-half or some sweet coffee creamer for a boost of fat and sugar. When I'm med-sick and not eating anything during the day, I will add a tablespoon of half-and-half and a tablespoon of heavy cream. Don't judge me.

For those watching ingredients as I have to do, the only one listed on both the Nescafe and Bustelo is coffee.

Like I said, caffeine is life. With the instant espresso powder, I really don't see myself buying an espresso maker anytime soon. I'm not a connoisseur. I'm the same with espresso as I am with wine: if it's wet and tastes good, I'm down with it. And I sometimes slurp.

Peace

--Free

Words. Matter.

 If I ask any random adult on the street to tell me about something from their childhood that still strongly affects them to this day, most answers would probably have to do with something that was verbalized. Words or phrases that were encouraging or not. Names they were called. Nicknames they were given.

When I was about 7 or  8 years old, one of my older brothers joined the military. I answered the house phone the day he made his first call home. I was so excited and probably started babbling about missing him. He cut me off and told me to just go get mom to the phone. As an adult, I know that he wasn't being mean. He probably only had a few minutes to talk and I was wasting them with my girlish rambling. Still, that is the earliest memory I have of my feelings being deeply hurt by someone I loved.

Memories about my mother and the other women elders in my life have much to do with the things they said and how they said them. 

Someone in a Reddit comment or on a Twitter post once remarked that they always felt good whenever an "older black lady" calls them "baby". As in "Don't worry about it, baby". I can relate. I'm black and the sweetest thing a lover ever called me was "baby girl". And that has nothing to do with the daddy issues I actually have. It's just such a loving vocal affection, like calling someone "sweet thang".

Just like yesterday, and in all the yesteryears, today certain fad phrases and slang terms root themselves in our culture. Being older, I don't keep up with currents slang and sayings but I have a lot of nieces and nephews who do. I've heard them go through so many, the words are a blur. 

Bye Felicia. Girl, bye. That part. True dat. Being extra. Suspect or sus. Hooking up.

The younger people in my extended family listen to Rap of so many different styles I can't cope - nasty rap, mumble rap, gangster rap, East Coast and West Coast, and Country rap. Then there are the bands and artists obsessed with weird arrangements that include screaming, crying, and cursing the Lord. They are so overt with their intentions of having meaningless relationships or taking revenge on whoever they are "beefing" with. They don't bother with subtlety. At all.

I grew up listening to Motown, Rock, and Country so I won't talk about the terms we had in "my day" for sex, love, dancing, cheating, yearning, learning, etc. In those dinosaur days, we hinted at lurid sex and highlighted romantic sex (do people even use the term "making love" anymore?) There was a lot of reading between the lines to find the "good stuff". I think the last subtle song about making love was Sade's "Your Love Is King" where she crooned through the joys of climax.

I'm reading a book now that has me falling in love with words all over again - the way "Their Eyes Were Watching God" did years ago. In "The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue", V.E. Schwab does with words what any great jazz or classical composer does with music. I'm more caught up in the way the story is told than I am with the story. Stephen King is like that. Not many of his fans care what story he is telling, they just like hearing him tell it.

Another book I am reading is Eric Metaxas' "Is Atheism Dead?" and I recently told an acquaintance (who is Athiest) that I think they would enjoy the work. I say that because this acquaintance is a person who likes to be challenged with ideas, even the ones that go against his beliefs. The book is not a haranguing, finger-wagging, I'm-right-and-you're-wrong set of arguments in the voice of a televangelist huckster. It's a conversation from someone who doesn't believe what they do just because they believe what they do.

Words matter. As a lot of our parents taught us, it's not what we say but how we say it that matters most. The how part is the key to successful communication. How makes the difference between being rude and gracious; between telling and discussing. Being the daughter of Southerners, I know that there are two ways to hear the phrase "Bless your heart". There is mainly only one way to hear "Why, bless your heart". That "why"? It matters. And putting the accent on any of the words in the phrase... well, you can write a book on polite Southern put-downs and encouragements.

Not what you say but how you say it. 

When I was young, I was misbehaving in public and my mother threatened my life just with a look. No words were needed, but if they had been, trust me, she had an arsenal. 

Words matter. 

Peace

--Free

Milkadamia Macadamia Milk Is...

 (This is cross-posted from my blog about CKD)

 After trying cashew milk - and dang near going broke in doing so - I wanted to try yet another non-dairy milk. I found some macadamia milk from Milkadamia. They had some different flavor/blend choices on Amazon:

• Original
• Unsweetened
• Barista (sweetened)
• Barista (unsweetened)
• Vanilla
• Veggnog Macadamia

Since I hate regular eggnog, the macadamia version made me shudder just to think of it. The Original and Unsweetened were a bit confusing. I mean, is the Original sweet or not? Why don't they label the Original as sweetened or not?

My natural inclination was to go for the Vanilla. I know that the only soy milk I like is the vanilla kind. However, the Milkadamia Vanilla was pricier - running from the mid-30s to over 50 dollars. It might be cheaper to buy some unicorn milk...

I ended up choosing the sweetened Barista version. 

The unsweetened version has 
a red label

Notice that the label doesn't say this is "Sweetened"... I figured out that instead of saying "Sweetened" on their labels, Milkadamia will prominently label the unsweetened version and use a different label color. Child, just say it already!

Most of the reviews mentioned that the Barista is the best-tasting in coffee. And, let's face it, I'm looking for something to use mainly in coffee. I have got to replace the sugary-wonderful Sweet Italian creamer that I'm so in love with.

This stuff sure isn't cheap. I paid about 30 bucks for a pack of 6 32-ounce shelf-stable cartons. Actually, when I started to think about the per-ounce price (less than $0.15) and the more positive-than-dairy effects on my health, it was worth at least trying.

Okay. So. How does this stuff taste?

In coffee, it's not bad. It softens the coffee taste, which is nice, but there is zero sweetness. And I mean none. Dentists must hate this stuff. I really think I will have to find a single carton of the vanilla to see if it's better. 

By the way, there are pros and cons to this brand, depending on your own situation. Looking closer at the labels once I received the shipment, I realized that there are some additives that aren't great. But, again, it all depends on where you are in your health.

sounds good - so far

Until you look closer...

Not bad because I use this by the tablespoon.
Cup by cup though, watch out for those minerals

And these additives are not as prominently
displayed on most retail sites

Like all the other non-dairy options I've tried so far, macadamia milk doesn't have much of the whitening effect I like from a creamer. It's such a visual thing for me with coffee, I guess. I found the only white cups I have to show what a half cup of dark roast coffee looks like before and after adding a tablespoon of the macadamia milk.

Flat black

Tablespoon of macadamia

You can see how watery this product is.

I made a smoothie with the macadamia milk and, again, not bad but... so bland. It's as if there is no weight to this milk. Dairy milk has more of a "fullness" to it, whereas this milk is the same weight as water, in my opinion. Come to think of it, that was the same thing missing with the rice and cashew milk. I think that I will try adding a couple of tablespoons of Greek yogurt next time.

Pretty but... bland

Since I have 5 more cartons of this stuff and I can't afford to be wasteful, I will be cooking with the macadamia milk. I have already tried it in overnight oats and it was decent - watery but decent-tasting. I mean, oatmeal is already so bland. I did find that in using the macadamia milk, I didn't need to add any sugar. It was the same with the cashew milk so I guess there must be some sweetness to these nut milks (And because I have a filthy and somewhat sinful mind, just saying "nut milk" makes me crack up every time! I must be hearing a Chris Rock in my head.)

I have an idea that adding a little butter to macadamia and cashew milk mile give a boost to the flavor and texture. I know that I always loved using ghee in my coffee back when I was on the bullet-coffee train. Butter is another thing in the dairy family I have to limit but I won't need much to bump up the flavor and weight in a cup of coffee.

Anyway, that's how my experience is going so far with macadamia milk. If I had to  I'd rank macadamia, cashew, rice, and soy (vanilla), for overall taste, it would be:

1. Soy vanilla
2. Rice
3. Macadamia
4. Cashew

For use in my coffee:

1. Rice
2. Soy vanilla
3. Macadamia
4. Cashew

For use in smoothies:

1. Soy vanilla
2. Cashew
3. Macadamia

By the way, I probably will not ever drink cashew milk again. I think I mentioned in another post that it seemed to be irritating my skin. My face became itchy the first day and was trying to break out. I never have problems with my skin even though it's sensitive. I couldn't use any of my moisturizers and had to pat my face down with water and honey every few hours. Very weird. After I stopped drinking it, my skin started to calm down after about a day. I had about half of the one (almost-8-dollar) carton so I gave it to my neighbor. I warned her about what it did to my skin but she hasn't reported any problems.

I'm going to have to ask around about coconut milk creamers. ..

Peace

--Free

Cashew Milk Is...

(This is a cross-post from my blog about CKD.)

In trying to get away from cow milk and other creamers filled with the stuff I can't have too much of, I am going plant-based. (NOTE: This one has 145mg potassium - but that is for each 8-ounce glass. I use about 1.5 to 2.5 tablespoons at a time, depending on the amount of coffee I am drinking.)

I've been trying alternatives to milk-based creamers for my coffee and, after trying soy, almond, and oat, I landed on rice milk. Then I tried cashew milk.

Cashew milk might be my favorite plant-based option for using in coffee. I've still got to try the barista blend of macadamia milk but for now, cashew milk is a winner.

Expensive but tasty

I heard so much good stuff about oat milk as a coffee creamer that I splurged on a single carton only to be moderately impressed. At first. Then I found it gross. At first, it added some of the creaminess that I miss with rice milk. It added weight to the coffee if that makes sense. Rice milk is good because it "softens" the coffee so that I can drink it without adding any additional sugar or cow milk creamer. But it is so thin that I got bored with the flavor. I could drink my morning coffee without the bitterness but I didn't look forward to it.

Elmhurst cashew milk is "clean"

Oat milk gave my coffee a nice feel in my mouth - at first - but then I noticed a weird texture that was slightly... slimy? Once I got that notion in my head I couldn't get rid of it. I gave the oat milk to a neighbor who loves it. Different strokes.

Almond milk is another one that people rave about. I do not see why. To me, it's bland but unpleasant. I never was crazy about almond milk when I first tried it a few years ago. I still don't like it and it does not one positive thing for coffee, in my opinion.

I have always liked soy milk - as long as it has a bit of vanilla and sweetener in it. It's been a favorite for smoothies and cereals. As a matter of fact, Silk's vanilla soy reminds me of the leftover milk from sweetened cereal. Drinking "cereal milk" was always the best part of some of my childhood breakfasts.

Plain soy is not a favorite.

Cashew milk is totally new for me. Also, I now know not to buy it in my local health food store if I don't want to take out a personal loan to do so. What a ripoff! Almost 8 bucks for a carton on our Main Street. Eight dollars. For a quart. Serves me right for shopping like a tourist. However, this brand is about the same price on Amazon. Must be worth it.

Anyway.

Not bad since I only use
a couple of tablespoons in my coffee

I tried a very "clean" brand called Elmhurst. Its ingredients are cashews and water. Period. Can't get any cleaner than that. I was surprised at how much I like it in my coffee. Of course, I had to add a couple of teaspoons of brown sugar. It lightened (or whitened) my coffee which is a big thing to me for some reason. It softened the flavor a lot. I really enjoyed the way it made my coffee less bitter without killing any of the actual coffee flavors the way a heavy and sweetened creamer can.

By the way, the taste of this right out of the glass is fairly bland. There is some minor kind of a back taste that I can't place - a soft nutty flavor, maybe? It's not bad and it reminds me much of low- or non-fat milk. Then again, I don't like plain cow milk out of the glass, so...

The one problem with Cashew milk is availability. Other than on Main Street, the only place I can find it around here is at Target. Apparently, it's a popular milk alternative because Target sells out of it quickly. While I was out for a doctor's appointment, I put a carton in my online cart to pick up but it was sold out before I could get to check out and pay for it. Wow.

Amazon has a ton of macadamia milk - sweetened, unsweetened, regular, or "barista blend" - but cashew milk is harder to find. 

"stains" a glass similar to cow milk

Okay.

Now I am going to give macadamia milk. The only problem with that is I have to find it in a single carton. Amazon sells it in multi-carton packs. At least, that is true for the barista blend that is said to be best for coffee. I will have to let you know what I think of it.

By the way, my kidneys are doing well. Well, not well but they are holding steady. This semi-renal diet I'm on is working well and I am even losing weight.

Peace

--Free

Coping With Life

 It's been a weird and wild few weeks. I finally know what stage I'm at with the CKD (3b); I found a new (and wonderful) rheumatologist since my last one transferred away; I am coping better with the loss of my best friend; I lost my cousin today.

Did I leave out anything? I don't think so.

Life comes at us so fast sometimes that we can't get a close enough look at the many things we pass through. I'm trying to be better about the whole "one day at a time" thing. I can't believe it's taken me so long to realize that I cannot change the past, can't always control the present, and cannot predict the future.

I was joking to one of my nieces earlier that the only thing good that happened in the past few days is that Walmart included my address in the grocery-delivery zone. Damn, that was a long-winded and awful sentence!

When I got the news about my kidneys, it was served up with a side order of "Oh, yeah, and as long as you are on these disease-controlling medicines, they won't get better".

I think I actually laughed when the doctor laid that one out for me. I think my new doctor might think I'm a little nutty.

I'm still upset that my very first nephrologist did not clearly explain dietary restrictions to me. At the time, I was still quite addle-brained from the sarcoidosis. I had so much trouble comprehending anything. Maybe he did say something? Whatever.

My kidney function has already improved since I researched and started eating the right foods. I miss my avocados, Greek yogurt, nuts, and all the green food but... My filtration numbers are so much better that I don't mind. These days, I'm eating many of the things I was avoiding because I didn't think they were as healthy. I still can't believe that my "healthy for the kidney" diet includes pasta, white rice, and white bread over all the whole wheat and green veggies. 

And while I'm talking about food and other ingestibles... Let me just say that oat milk is nasty in coffee. It's weird-tasting and has a slightly slimy texture. It ruins every good coffee I've ever loved. I'm now drinking my Kaladi Brother coffee with either rice milk or, on a good day, a tiny bit of half-and-half and brown sugar. Also, I'm so sick of tofu that I hate looking at those square packs of it. I've had it braised, baked, air-fried, and sauteed. I've fixed it as fake chicken, fake barbeque beef/pork/chicken, and I've even tried to make a stir-fry with it. 

I have discovered some tasty recipes and snacks. I am now in love with alfredo sauce. I like to make a chicken and pasta dish with it. And Boom Chicka popcorn is my everything. It's lighter and airier than my popcorn made in the Ninja. There is a dairy-free ice cream made with cashew milk that I will be erecting a shrine to at some point. 

So, yeah, there are some foods that don't completely disgust me. 

Maybe the best news this year has been the whole Walmart-delivers situation. I was able to order all my groceries and household goods in one go. However, my shopping trips have always been a treat because I get to hang out with my baby brother and lovely SIL. We still hang out. Especially since I now have to go almost an hour away to another town to see my rheumatologist. I'm not a person who loves long car rides. Also, I'm from Alaska where a long car ride is rare. I could get from Anchorage to halfway to the Alcan in the time that some of these Iowa trips take just to shop or get medical care. These people think nothing of driving 200 miles to do something. 

The only thing I don't really want to talk about today is my cousin. I can only say that she was much too sweet and sensitive for this crazy time we are living in. 

Anyway. That's been my life. That's why I have not been on here for a minute. 

Peace

--Free