Midlife Reality Check

 So I am not only officially middle-aged in years (if I live to be 122!) but... I am dang near elderly according to the mirror.

The other day, I was leaving the bathroom after putting away some towels. On my way out, I happened to glance in the mirror and, for maybe a millisecond, I wondered who was looking back at me. Seriously.

It's not as if I've aged overnight. I know that I reached my probable middle age when I hit just past the age of 37. If I'm lucky enough to live that long. I am very much aware of my age and I have been noticing the subtle changes since I turned 50  - the strands of grey at my temples, fine lines across my brow, and the ones that bracket my smile. Also, a few years ago, I noticed the beginnings of a double chin. God help me and curse all the carbs I so love.

I know how very blessed I am to see the age of 61. I have friends and family who did not see too far past this milestone. So, I'm fine with the extra pounds and lines. What shocked me was the aging I saw in my eyes. They are less sparkly and gleeful. I don't have dark circles but my eyes look a bit weary.

When did that happen?

Every life - even a good one, I am sure - wears on the soul. I've had quite a few big losses and hurts that knocked me for a loop. Those made me stronger.  What I realize now is that it's the little things that wear on my optimism like little drips of water can eat away at stones.

Once upon a time, nothing could keep the smile off my face and out of my eyes for very long. Once I finished grieving and mourning the loss of a job, a relationship, or even a loved one, I could find a reason to get back my smile. I'd realize that I could find a better job. I would tell myself that not every relationship works out. When I finished mourning a loved one, I would always, always, always remember something beautiful that helped me through the grief. But those little things...

I have too much anxiety for a normal life. I'm pretty sure my anxiety about everything I can find to be anxious about is the cause of what I see in the mirror lately.

Not only do I have anxiety but I have depression and, then there are all my other little weirdities. 

My mother used to say that I was much too sensitive and could make a mountain out of a molehill. Well, I have matured to the point of being able to make even bigger mountains. If I get in the right mood, I can make the Brooks Range look like wannabe hills.

Being sensitive (and anxious and depressed) is bad enough but I am prone to overthinking everything. Ever-ree-thing.

Anyway, I have decided to try to polish that sparkle in my eyes. I am really going to fight against overthinking so much. Also, I am going to make a habit to counter my anxiety attacks with positive reminders - blessings, friends, happy thoughts. If all else fails, I will ask my doctor to up the dosage of my meds.

Peace

--Free