That deep, funky blue cloud of depression that was hanging over me has started to dissipate. Finally.
I realize that a lot of my physical and mental problems are caused by the higher than normal amount of stress I've been under. Between being depressed and the methotrexate making me sicker than usual, I spent way too much time in bed -especially the last week. One of the things that motivated me to get up was a video channel I found on YouTube. The host does stretching exercises - non-Yoga stretching, to be specific. (Christians recognize that Yoga is based on and rooted in another religion.)
This woman is pregnant in the first videos I tried following along with. Perfect. I'm old and out of shape. Her gentle nighttime stretching exercises were just what I needed to get started. And the stretching worked. I didn't realize just how tight my body was until I began to unkink the muscles. I slept relaxed that first night instead of just passing out from sustained misery.
By the way, it is not only my opinion that Yoga is, if not a religion, a spiritual practice. As a Christian, I don't practice anything spiritual outside of my faith. For a further explanation of why I do not and will not practice Yoga, you can check this post. Or not.
Anyway. That is why I choose non-Yoga stretching.
The other thing I did to help pull myself out of my depression was to give myself a break from my strict renal diet. Just for a few days. (My nephrologist thinks I could loosen up a bit with the diet anyway.) For the past few days, I have been adding broccoli and collard greens to my meals. I really indulged when I made the collards and added a piece of smoked turkey wing. Later today, I am going to have some pinto beans and hot water cornbread.
So, yeah, the blue cloud is lifting. Hopefully, after my infusion next week, I will feel even better. Oh, and a couple of perfume decants I've wanted to try arrived in the mail. Not thrilled with either of them but they will be fun to review at some point.
My depression and anxiety have ramped up in the past couple of weeks. This is a cycle, I know, and I know it will run its course. For now, I am just struggling to deal with the most minor things. I'm pretty sure my sarcoidosis is in cahoots with the mental issues because my brain gets even sillier at times like this.
I'm going to take a little time away from blogging. Maybe in a week or two, I will be better. I have an infusion coming up so I should definitely feel physically better after that. For now, I have been mainly avoiding people and trying not to sleep too much by browsing memes about depression and anxiety. It all makes me very tired.
When I come back, I will share some CKD-friendly recipes on my kidney blog and try to do a couple of perfume reviews here since one of my nieces sent me a couple.
Praying that all the readers are doing well. I'll leave you with some memes to make you smile a little and inspirational thoughts to make you think.
Peace
--Free
P.S.: If you suffer from anxiety and/or depression, talk to a doctor - or to anyone who can help you. There is treatment and it works. I sometimes have to have my dosage adjusted. This happens to be one of those times and I do have an appointment coming up. Whatever you do, do not think you are the only one, and do not lose hope. Do not give up and do not give in.
This is so me.
And I need to buy a sticker like this for my front door:
I'm not sure why my being a home-body-introverted-loner bothers people but I'm tired of being confronted about it.
The kinds of pouty-passive-aggressively rude things I hear when I just don't have the energy to be social:
"You never want to go anywhere."(Not true. I just don't want to go where you want to go or I don't want to go right now.)
"Why don't you want to...?" (Why do I always have to explain? I'm not asking why you do want to go.) ~see how repetitive this gets?~
"It's just for a couple of hours." (I don't want to go. Not for 5 seconds, 5 minutes, an hour. I don't want to go. Period.)
"There won't be many people there." (Many or any. Doesn't matter. I don't want to go. Maybe we can talk one-on-one for while, without an audience or props? Let's try that sometime.)
Or, not too long ago, I got a super-heated and extremely rude passive-aggressive swipe:
"That's because you never get out of the damn house!" (So what exactly is your problem with that?)
Yeah, that made me want to go hang out with the person and be social for real. Guilt me on something and see how fast I want even more to do the exact opposite of what you want me to do. Go ahead. Try it. I'll wait.
I am beginning to think I am not the problem here...
I recently started coming up with retorts to use for specific people and situations. I plan to start calling people on their traits. I know a lot of super-extroverted people and co-dependent, can't-move-without-their-sidekick people. I know people who use the Lord's name in vain so much that I get sore from all the cringing I do. I know people who have recreational habits that I don't like being around. Most people have no idea how gracious I am by not screaming all this at them while they are judging my loner personality.
The problem for extroverts is that we are, of course, outnumbered in social settings. We get called "wallflowers" or "stuck up" when we can't summon the energy or will to put on a socially-expected public facade and mingle, muggle, and do the social snuggles.
Also, like some introverts, I send mixed messages. I'm not overly shy and I can talk someone's ear off - if it's the right person and the right subject. Otherwise, I am faking interest, being Instagram-sincere, and parroting canned phrases to indicate engagement. And it's freaking tiring. It's stressful and draining and sometimes leaves me feeling unduly resentful.
I think that the reason people can be irritated by introverts is that they misunderstand the behaviors. Maybe they think we don't like their company (we do, in small bits and at the right time). Maybe they think we don't appreciate their personality (we do, in small bits and at the right time). And maybe it's because we clash with their social and emotional cycles (our 5 minutes of chattiness runs into their constant chattiness or our need to be introspective runs into their need to be, well, them).
Whatever the case, I'm putting my foot down. I have put up with people's harmless (but very irritating crap) because of love, friendship, or social grace. I've listened to the snide remarks about how "anti-social" (aka: being a witch-with-a-b) I am. However, from here on out, when someone tries to call me out or guilt me on my loner traits, I'm going to flip the mirror and let them know what I think about their irritating traits.
I'm over this and it's time to handle it.
This irritating but funny extrovert here...
My best friend and I were talking about all this the other day. She too is an introvert and, like me, she struggles with depression and social anxiety. She mused that her depression is always worse after having to deal with people who don't "get" her and her personality. I told her that I tend to stay away from people when my depression is worse because they sure don't make it better.
To be honest, I am very sensitive and find it easy to nosedive into depression at the slightest perceived wrong word or action. I don't mind about dings from strangers who don't know my life or struggles, but when someone who knows me insults or hurts me, I shut them down for a while. I realize that about myself. If I feel slighted, my first emotional bandaid is the deepest solitude and extreme avoidance. I don't want to willingly subject my balance of sanity to your thoughtless behavior until I know that I won't lash out in defense. Children learn quickly to avoid hot stoves; I likewise avoid certain social burns.
Besides, being around even the people you really like or really love can be draining at times. Here's the thing I want to tell them: My introverted personality is not about your extroverted personality. You should know me by now. And if you like or love me, you should know me really well. Don't make me go all Harold Melvin and the Bluenotes on you. Explaining is even more tiring...
Drains faster around some people
For those people who wonder what introverts do with their time - and I will speak only for this introvert because we are all different in many ways. Since I only feel fairly well and "normal" for about 3, maybe 4 days a week, my useful loner time is really important to me. My life revolves around my health so... Here is what a good day can be like.
Cleaning - because things pile up easily in a small space and I find that I feel mentally better in a clean space.
Feeding and caring for my plants. My plants are a huge part of my mental health therapy. They don't talk or make noise; they just radiate peace and calm and the complexity of the beauty of God's creation. Nature is really stunning to me.
Blogging here or at Free & Faith or Lotta Laughs. (I have been neglecting the 3 or 4 other blogs because they are too much to keep track of on any kind of regular basis. I can just barely keep up with this one!)
Reading my Bible and meditating on it. If not for my faith, I don't know where I would be during all these ups and downs of the past 10 or so years.
Trying to write. I kind of gave up on setting goals for my writing. I can't seem to carry lines of thoughts long enough to put down and pick up where I am in a plot. Now, I just write as therapy and self-enjoyment. (I've been thinking of getting back into knitting or crocheting but don't feel very confident about patterns and designs.)
To keep my mind as sharp as I can, I check out a lot of adult-learning sites. I even bought a basic Maths workbook once to review algebra. It was a nightmare.
Sitting and watching this kind of video to calm my anxiety. I have a whole playlist. It's what I use my TV for most. This underwater theme from the Mario game is my long-time favorite music to relax too when I get super anxious. Soothing stuff.
Preparing meals to last for a few days or a week - depending on how I am feeling or on my budget. Trying new ways to eat healthily is an ongoing quest for this chunky gal. Right now, I'm working on using cayenne, ginger, turmeric, and black rice to boost my mood, immune system, and get my weight in check.
But the one thing I do, no matter how I am feeling, is thinking. When I am out of commission, I can spend hours just thinking about almost anything: life and circumstances; blessings and struggles,; why people do this or that, or what someplace or the other looks like; if turmeric is really all that beneficial to our health and how in the world can I get more of it into my daily diet because the stuff is not that tasty on just any old thing; why it is that plants are so mentally healing; whatever happened to the girl in fifth grade who was so pretty but always looked so sad; what did my mother mean that time 30 years ago when she said I reminded her of Sister Carruth; why I sometimes can't remember my phone number (and still can't remember the house number) but have the main lyrics from "The Crawdad Song" stuck in my head after hearing it the first time when I was about 12 when Daddy sang it to me...
And I heard the Crawdad tune a few weeks ago while re-watching some "Andy Griffith Show" episodes on Prime.
Forgive the Andy Griffith stuff. I get on a kick of watching oldie shows and that one is in current rotation.
I like the TV show version also
And how cool is it that the families of these men can always go back and look at them through the different ages of their lives?
Anyway.
My best friend has a line she sometimes tosses out when I ask if she plans to go out shopping or anywhere else: "Nope. Can't do people today." Let me tell you: Instacart is our thing!
The worse thing about some extroverts is how petty they can be. Just because you don't like being out and about all the freaking time, they get offended and will exclude you to prove a point. It's as though they are triumphantly (and childishly) saying, "See, you do need people!"
Here is my triumphant (and almost-but-not-quite-as-childish) reply:
"Of course, we do, you ninny. We just don't need the round-the-clock, in our space, co-dependent, unnecessary, bodyguard-like company to feel okay with life. If that's your thing, have at it. It's not my thing. I put up with your personality needs so why don't you try returning the favor?"
I am, as you can probably tell, feeling some kind of way about this right now...
So, for all my fellow introverts out there, I am just asking the rest of you to stop and think before you go all judgemental and critical of us. We are who we are and you are who we are. Let's learn to get along better - but you know, with you over there and me over here.
Depression is an illness that there is no intervention for. How does one intervene in unexpressed pain? What ultimatums do you give a broken heart?
As someone who has long struggled with depression, I don't have any answers for how to make things better, but I do know of things that have never helped me. People offer suggestions and advice out of love and concern, but most of what they suggest and advise means nothing to a person in the middle of their darkness. And depression is its own galaxy of very little light, filled with fear, doubt, hopelessness, despair, and self-loathing. All those things rotate in the tortured mind of the depressed. Every now and then, a little bit of light gets in and allows the person to get through to another moment alive. But that light never stays on. That's the cycle: me and it, suiting up against each other, fighting it out, retreating, and then doing the whole thing all over again.
I've had well-meaning people tell me what they think will help me. I love that they care but I hate their advice. To quote one of my favorite writers, "You got to go there to know there." No one else can navigate the dark places my mind has taken me. Often the advice I get is only frustrating.
"Exercise" is what a lot of people will tell a depressed person. "Get up and get out in some fresh air and take a walk." I am sure that that works for some people, but not for me. When I am in the worst of my depression, I can't even move to wipe tears from my face. I have sat immobile on the couch or the floor because I didn't have the energy or will to move. I have sometimes just kept still because of a feeling that I would shatter from grief if I moved. I have lain in bed unable to even push the covers off when I got too warm. So exercise only works for me before the deepest of the darkness settles in.
Another suggestion is to "count your blessings". This is one that really hurts. My faith means so much to me that it's the thing I wrestle most with when I am feeling at my lowest. I pray long conversations with God at this point, but it's very hard to count blessings while you are in a fight for your life. I am always thankful to God because I have never been forsaken, but that doesn't help the pain when I am drowning in it.
I've also been told to just "buck up" - as if I'm an animal who only needs to remember how to move correctly! And what the hell does it even mean to "buck up"? Whatever it means, I wish getting from under the grip of depression was so easy as just doing something other than being depressed. Maybe the next time I'm taking care of a household bill, instead of sending in a payment, I can just command the bill to "be paid!"
There was a period in my life when I almost couldn't deal with attending church because I would just weep through the entire service. One time a woman sitting beside me in the pew hugged me and whispered that I should just "pray that sadness away". I didn't go back to church for a month. My tears in the church weren't from the sadness, they were from feeling so completely grateful. No matter how low I have ever been, I have never felt abandoned by God. I've felt mad at Him but I've never felt separated from Him. I never forget Romans 8:38-39.
So what am I trying to say? I'm not trying to speak for everyone who suffers from depression. I can only speak for myself because I only know what my hurting heart doesn't want. First of all, you can't 'fix' me with advice. My doctors are trying different types of medicines. I don't even know if I can be fixed. I'm just trying to survive and your words - as nice as they sound - don't help. What helps is knowing that you love me. Please know that I am more than my depression. Know that my depression comes and goes, ebbs and flows. Try to love me when I'm in the middle of the darkness as much - or maybe more - as you love me any other time.
Sometimes, the best thing that a friend or other loved one can do for me is to just let me know that you are there but give me space. I'm familiar with all the voices in my head and I know how to cry them, pray them, and battle them away. I just need to know that you're still going to love me when I come out of the fight.
NOTE: Kratom is not legal in all places & I am not encouraging the use of the herb.
This post is about my personal experience using Kratom
and anyone considering using it should consult their medical team.
*****UPDATE*****
I've used Kratom every day for 6 days. Here are the highlights. PROS:
I felt that it did help my focus somewhat. The brain fog never completely went away, but I felt I had an easier time working through it.
The energy boost is undeniable. There were no jitters, just a steady level of energy.
My appetite decreased.
I slept better than I have in a very long time. I found that I was sleeping through the night and waking up without the hangover effects of prescription sleeping pills.
It was easy to work around the nasty taste of the powder by mixing into beverages. I think it's best masked by mixing into some O.J.
A 25g bag of the powder could last a couple of months if I only use it on an as-needed basis. If I had to choose, I would use it only for sleep.
The biggest benefit has been the effect on my sleep. I haven't felt so rested in a very long time. My fatigue is not completely gone, but I wonder if it would be in another few months. The appetite suppressing effect is nice but I was already losing weight on my own. That's called not eating your emotions.
CONS:
Getting the dosage right is very tricky. What seems to work one day is too much or too little the next.
Even though it helped me sleep better, I slept less. Not sure if this is a downside or not.
I would have to test a lot of strains to find one that works best for me. There are a LOT of different strains and variations of strains.
Kratom gave me headaches.
That last one - the headaches - is the biggest negative for me. No matter how much or how little I used, I would develop a headache within half an hour. The headache lasts longer than the other effects of the powder. To make sure that Kratom was the cause, I skipped an evening dose and the next morning's dose. Headache went away about noon of that second day. I took a dose for nighttime and the headache crept back in. I checked my blood pressure (which has been excellent for over a year now) and it was normal.
I am not sure whether I will try a different strain or not, but I really love how much my sleep has improved. That feels a little bit like a miracle after all the months of fighting insomnia. I am going to think about whether to continue my search for a strain that works best for me. In the meantime, my friend bought me some CBD oil and I will review that at a later date. I didn't want to use both the Kratom and the CBD at the same time until after seeing the effects of the Kratom.
Mitragyna speciosa or, as it is more commonly known as Kratom is something I heard about when through an online support group for people with chronic depression and anxiety. I have been considering trying it for a long while because prescription medications have not been working well for me.
I hesitated with posting about my experience with Kratom because I don't want to be a cheerleader for anything like this herb. Making the decision to try Kratom was like marriage and not to be entered into lightly. I didn't pay attention to that suggestion when I was at the altar but I did take it seriously about Kratom.
There were a lot of reasons I wanted to try this herb. The possible relief from anxiety and depression was a top reason. When some people told me that it also helped alleviate their extreme fatigue, I got more interested.
I spent a lot of time looking around for reputable vendors, then I had to decide which strain of Kratom I wanted to try. There are so many choices and the information out there is so convoluted that deciding where to start is tiring. What I finally ended up doing was getting one strain that is supposed to be best for relieving fatigue (this was a white veined strain) and another strain to help with depression and anxiety (red veined).
One very concerning thing is that there are no standard dosing instructions for this stuff. All I learned was to start small and move up incrementally until you discover your best dose. I ended up being extremely cautious about doing this.
The first time I used the white veined powder, I took it in increments of 1/8 teaspoon at a time until I realized that a teaspoon and a half is a dose that works for me. By the way, this stuff is crazy bitter. I mixed mine in with a little bit of my coffee and just slammed it back. Cranberry juice also helps mask the nasty taste.
Both powders look the same
I got some relief from my fatigue after using that 1 1/2 teaspoon. There was no feeling of being 'high'. There's no discernible feeling at all. I simply realized, after about 10 minutes of the full dose, that I was not as weighted down by the fatigue as I had been. Thankfully, there is no 'buzz' or sense of being revved up like there can be with some prescription meds. The downside is that, for me, the effect lasts only a few hours. Still, it was great to be able to get things done for a while. I didn't notice a big difference in my cognitive function but I didn't seem to be as brain-fogged as I can often be.
I made sure to use the red-veined powder only when I was completely ready to be down for the night. I went ahead and used the same 1.5 teaspoon dose as I did for the white strain. I expected it to be more noticeable but, just like with the other powder, the effects were subtle. I forget how long it was before I did notice being more relaxed and calm. I do know that, had I shut my brain off, I could have gone to sleep about a half hour after I was in bed. Of course, I didn't shut down because I wanted to listen to a news podcast like I do every night. When I did fall asleep, I was out and I was out for the night.
The red strain worked so well for helping me to sleep that I am amazed. After struggling with both fatigue and insomnia for so long, it was wonderful to be able to get a complete night of sleep. I didn't wake up not even once through the night. I know for a fact that I didn't toss and turn. I had my writing notebook and an open bottle of water on a bedtable next to me when I went to sleep and didn't knock anything over during the night. Also, I felt incredibly rested when I got up. When I have used sleeping pills - prescription or OTC - I always wake up feeling groggy, slightly hungover and kind of dehydrated.
Day Two, I decided to take the white strain on an empty stomach and I did the full 1.5 teaspoon dose all at once instead of incrementally. That seems to work better for me. I felt as though I had had a significant caffeine boost without getting the jitters. I'm not sure if my mind was sharper but I really think that I had less trouble focusing for longer periods of time. Usually, when I am writing or blogging, it's easy for me to lose track
The one benefit that I was not expecting was that this suppressed my appetite. I didn't realize this until about 6 hours into my day. I start my morning with coffee and creamer instead of food. By lunchtime, I am usually already snacking when I prep something substantial. My meals are almost always homecooked and fairly healthy but my snacking is out of control. There are some days when I replace meals with junk and, despite all my wishes and prayers, homemade junk is just as fattening and as storebought junk. It may be slightly healthier to eat my homemade brown sugar bread with walnuts, but my bathroom scale doesn't care if it home prepped or straight from the Twinkies factory. So, score another point for the Kratom.
So far, I do like using the powder. I do know that I will need to be careful to watch for any negative side effects, but that's the same as for prescription meds. Also, like I said, this is something that is all kinds of experimental and it effects most like vary wildly depending on the individual's other medications and overall health.
Finally, this was just a rundown of my personal experience. If anyone decides to try the herb, know that you will have to do your own research and accept the responsibility. Also. this stuff is not legal everywhere. It is currently legal here in Iowa, but you can check online for the latest maps of states where it is and is not allowed.
I may update this post at some point.
Peace
--Free
P.S.: I was undecided until the last minute as to whether I would say where I bought the Kratom. I have decided to link to the site where I bought mine. I liked the item I got from Coastline Kratom. I found the prices fair and after a month of use, I am very happy with the results I am getting. Make sure that you look for any first-time buyer coupon codes. However, I do not get paid for any sales. Use your own judgment when making purchases of anything you intend to you as I am not responsible for that. This next time I am trying the white strain of Maeng Da. Again, purchase and use under your own guidance.
Last week was a rough one. The weekend was worse. I was dealing with some fatigue and a vague kind of apathy. The weather didn't help. The weather here has been off-and-on gloomy with teasings of sunshine. Weather can be my friend or my enemy. And I am sometimes my own bad medicine. Most people fight dark moods with good company. Me, I duck out of invites. I don't like pretending that I'm okay when I'm not - at least not any more than I have to just to make people not worry. So I usually only socialize when I feel sociable.
I spent Easter alone and just kind of meditating on the season's message that Jesus died and rose. He did both - going into the grave and coming out - for us and maybe his other gift was teaching us how - with his love - to rise up out of our emotional graves. By the time I went to bed last night, I was thinking about how we, human and flawed, have to regenerate from things that kill little pieces of us every day.
Some people don't heal from all that hurts their feelings. Some people just put up walls and won't let the hurt get too close. I heal with laughter and music and imagination. So this past week when I was tempted to stay hidden away in my tomb of despair, I thought about God's love for me and I was able to rise out of the nice, cool, dangerous darkness.
My laughter comes from small things. I'm that person who breaks out into giggles while grocery shopping because I remembered something that happened ten years ago. Last night, I was listening to a podcast when one host misspoke about a location and then said that he was no "geographist". His co-host teased that he was also obviously a not "wordist". I had to pause the podcast for at least five minutes while I laughed. Yeah, you had to be there. Ba dum bump.
Music is my other balm. My latest song obsession came about while I was watching that show Lucifer (Yeah, I'll address that in a moment.) The song is "Restless" by a band called Cold War Kids. Since I don't listen much to the radio, I find new music via TV shows or movies. Let's give a shout out to the Shazam app right now. It's on my home screen with other Most Used icons right next to the bank app that I check to keep myself from going to jail over bounced checks.
Anyway, I love this song so much. Anyone who's read my blog more than 20 times knows how often I mishear lyrics. I don't usually even pay attention to lyrics and just let the music take me where it's going.
This time though, for some reason, the lyrics grabbed me. The melody (arrangement?) is also beautiful. Do check out this band and show support.
What humor and music can't heal in me, love and imagination can. Love's currently in hiding - or maybe even in witness protection - so I had to lose myself in my imagination. Imagination is tricky though so I have to be careful. I might start out headed toward a mirage of paradise and end up in places darker than my reality. Usually, I can get myself to a place of peace just by imagining what that place might look like.
At any rate, I was able to pull myself back into some kind of balance. Today, I decided to skip this weeks methotrexate injection. I want to feel good to enjoy this moment of not being entombed.
As for the show Lucifer, I realize that a lot of Christians were in protest when it premiered. I never bothered to watch it just because I was in my 5-year period of refusing to own a television. When I noticed a couple of weeks ago that it was on Netflix, I put it in my queue and forgot about it for a few days. After a little bit of debate with myself, I decided to watch the show. Here's the thing, I'm strong enough in my beliefs that a silly TV show is not going to shake my faith. I live in a world that is a documentary of evil. I read the news and observe people every day. If that hasn't turned me away from the cross, I don't know what can.
The show is entertaining. I mean, it's mainly about the Devil in existential crisis because of issues we humans deal with on a daily basis. The bad theology (which seems to blend Biblical teachings with that of Greek and Marvel Universe mythology) could be misleading to someone weak and not curious enough to search further. For me, it's just a show made up of fictional characters loosely based on real people. I can handle that.
**I walked away from the keyboard for a minute and almost forgot what this post was about because I have the attention span of a gnat. Forgive me if the rest of the post is a little off kilter.**
I just wanted to get across that we have to find ways to heal ourselves and hang on to live for another moment. Rinse and repeat. That's all life is - just making it from moment to moment and breath to breath. And, like I said, I think that the healing - in our hearts and imagination or through little joys - is all a gift from God.
I want to include another song that I always find soothing. This one has pulled me through some seriously dark moments.
Ironically, Lucifer -or, as I call him post-fall, Satan - was the chief musician. So music can soothe or damage. Remember that David played the harp for Saul.
I'm not literate enough to discuss the book of this title. When I think of being a stranger in a strange land, I think of what it means to be a Christian. Right now I'm just thinking of being a woman who feels a little bit lost.
Yes, I am going to do some whining. This is the one place that I can vent out loud to the world and not get interrupted with a lot of "thoughts and prayers". I don't need thoughts and while prayers are always welcome, for now, I just need to vent.
My deep depression of the past few weeks has mellowed into this purgatory between super-blue and lightly-blue. I'm not even sad, really. I'm mostly feeling "apart" - apart from everything and everyone. I suppose everybody sometimes feels like this but I have always felt like this. When I was very young, I felt too old in my soul and too young in my heart. Now that I'm older, I feel too young in my soul and very, very old in my heart. I feel weighted and heavy with expectation - of what? I don't know.
I've only ever read one of Zora Neale Hurston's books but I am a great fan of her quotes. My first favorite is "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." I feel as if I should be living in my "answer" years but I'm still so full of questions. My other favorite Z.N.H. quote is ""Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." That one has been on repeat in my head for the past several months.
Is it normal to feel different and absolutely unique? No, and it's not egotistical either. God has said that we are all "fearfully and wonderfully" made. It's just that we live in a world that expects conformity in the way we look, speak, think, and behave. Like everything, conformity is good. To a point. But like the love of food turning to gluttony, sexual pleasure turning to perversion, and the enjoyment of wine turning to drunkenness, conforming to respect social norms can turn to - what? A follow-the-leader world of people who glut, pervert, and live drunken lives of constant hedonism?
Let me stop here and say that I'm glad about one thing today. My brain is actually working well enough to string decent thoughts together. I will quit while I am ahead though. I need to still myself and think all this through a little deeper.
I've been doing so many product reviews that it's been a long while since I shared anything else here. With spring peeking into the windows of my apartment, my depression is easing and I thought I could talk about that struggle.
It's a serious business, dealing with depression and anxiety. It's even more serious (for me at least) as you age. When I was in my 30's, I could ward off "the blues" by focusing on family and friends. We always had a gaggle of babies and toddlers around and my mother and sister were still here with me. Now, I feel quite alone. Here's the contradiction: I am a loner by nature. I like being alone. My best friend is the same way. We once lived together for 5 months and were perfectly happy spending at max about 20 minutes a day together. She says that we are able to entertain ourselves with our own thoughts and imaginations. Blessing and curse.
The other day, I found myself wanting to get on a plane and get to Arizona as fast as possible. I have some family here, but Arizona is where the babies are. The smile and trust of a baby is a magical, mysterious kind of medicine. Babies don't care about your past. They don't ask you tough questions about the mistakes you made. Babies don't know that you've ruined marriages and relationships. Even older children - the ones who have only ever seen the you that you are now - don't want to talk about what you did wrong to be alone. They just want to be your friend. They want you to be their protection. They want your hugs and bedtime stories and attention.
Of course, I didn't run off to Arizona. Instead, I locked myself in with my plants and the radio and books. I prayed and cried and apologized to my past. I cooked food that I wasn't hungry for. I made bread and cakes that I gave away to my neighbors. I lay in bed and ached with a craving for I know not what. I scolded myself and I talked to God, making promises and asking questions and listening for answers,
When I get really deep down in the darkest blue of these moods, I will aim my pity outwards - but in a mean and backhanded way. I will talk to the muted screen of the TV, preaching to the seemingly morals-free and happy living people I see there.
...To the girls with their asses hanging out of shorts and lips twisted up for duck-faced selfies: "You life-wasting piece of ignorance."
...To the celebrities parading their wealth and extravagance: "Really? You needed a diamond that large when there are hungry children in the world?"
...To the product spokespeople: "Keep your iPhones and Androids and your supplements for a flat tummy. Sell me some peace, some quiet, some hope in mankind."
And, sometimes, while I watch the world spin around in the madness that is, I feel hopeless. I will silently scream into the void, and wonder if that scream is heard in another realm.
While living through this insanity, I at some point, found myself asking some actress in an old black and white movie about my theory of sadness. "Why is it that our laughter is so much louder than our tears?" (By the way, she didn't have an answer. She got killed by the man she was in love with but who was in love with another woman.)
I usually come out of the worst of this mood after talking to the TV. There's nothing like talking aloud in empty rooms to make you look down and realize how close to the edge of madness you are. When pieces of your sanity start to break off and crumble down the mountain, you begin to remember how you cherish the safety of the steady ground. That's when I will stop talking to myself and start playing music.
Music is powerful - either powerfully good or powerfully bad. When David played for Saul it was to soothe. David - loved by and in love with the Lord - had that holy blessing that Saul no longer did. The music was his sharing of a balm.
I never listen to certain music when I am in my blues. No Bird York reminding me of being In the Deep. Otis Redding making me lonesome for my father's history with his Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay on the dock. Such stuff but stuff that tempts me back to the gravelly edge of my sanity.
When I need healing, I listen to Dora Pickett singing James Cleveland's God Is or Big Daddy Weave singing about being (thank Jesus) Redeemed. These are people - with all their flaws and, surely, their own hidden struggles - who are loved by and in love with God. They have blessings in their songs.
I, too, am (thank Jesus) loved by and in love with God, but in my darker hours, I need that holy balm. Music is like the laying on of hands - God's or Satan's. (Trust me, you don't want to listen to the angry anthems such as Tupac's Holla If Ya Hear Me or Fight the Power from Public Enemy after reading a news piece of another black kid being choked out by a cop. And, if you still doubt the power of music, think of how many babies were conceived while their parents got warmed up by Marvin sing about Gettin' It On. When Beth Hart sings Tell Her You Belong to Me, I want to sit in the dark with a glass of wine, smoking a cigarette, and cry about some imaginary man. Powerful.
Some music. A lot of prayers. Just desperately holding on to the hem of Jesus' garment to keep from falling... That's how I push through.
So, I am coming out of the dark. This time. Like I said, spring has been leaking in between the slats of my window blinds. Sun and hope. Warmth.
Spring is my favorite time of year. Probably because I lived so many years in Alaska. Spring has always, always, always felt like the dawn that comes after the long night of winter.
In another few weeks, I will have more plants and herbs to calm myself with. I will be able to walk down to the lake and breathe in air that's not biting me with icy teeth.
Once again, I have come through the struggle and I have regained the ability to hope. Maybe this will be the season that I will fall in love, or in like. Maybe this is the season that I will be able to finish working on the book. Maybe is a good word because 'maybe' does not mean 'never".
Was it just a few weeks ago that I was complaining about the snow? Well, that's all done and over with for the season and, baby, it's been hot outside! It was a humid 83 degrees today (81 at 8pm just before I started this post...) But I asked for the sun and got what I wanted.
In celebration of feeling a little better today than I have for several days, let's get into Summer mode with the blog.
If any of you are houseplant enthusiasts, check out my plant blog that I so cleverly (I think) named The Plant It Earth. For you FreeBeing readers, I'm giving you (and myself) a break from product reviews and sharing some of my plant photos and stories today.
I started out just trying to dress up my barely furnished apartment. It's just a 1-bedroom and I'm not a social person so my living room was not a huge priority. I have a great bed and that was the thing. I'm thrift-shopping for a chair and some more shelves but plants are cheaper than furniture so...
This is what the place looked like not too long ago:
I had the Cordyline/Ti plant & Echo for sound effects
And this is what it looks like now:
The apartment belongs to the plants
Plants are amazing, right?
Not only do plants beautify spaces, but they also make great air-cleaners. Some are better than others - like the Spider plant and the Snake plant. I used to use wax warmers and citrus air spritzes whenever the air got stale, but I haven't had to use any of that stuff for the past few months.
Lately, I started collecting kitchen herb plants. I've been clipping the mints for my green tea and I cooked with some of the fresh Basil the other night. Now I know what my sister-in-law means when she says she will only get plants that she can use for eating and/or medicinal purposes.
Before now, I had all the little 4- and 5-inch pots lined up on the bar counter to the kitchen. It was a little haphazard looking. Today, I noticed that someone had put a whole mess of artificial flowers and a couple of wicker baskets out on our community table. That's where we all put stuff we don't want so that someone else can maybe put it to use. This is what I did with the one basket:
lined the bottom with a trash bag, old cotton tee, and some rocks from outside
And this is what I did with the flowers and a vase, shells, and stones I already had to dress up the bathroom a bit. The blue around the Peace Lily is very calming and I spray the flowers with some Geranium and Grapefruit essential oils to combat summer insects and bathroom odors.
Those artificial flowers...
The other basket is sitting aside until I can collect some more flowers or stones or something to display.
I think my favorite of all the plants is the Monstera. She's beautiful and so easy to take care of.
Here is what I always say about plants and why I collect them now. They are not just pretty, but they really help relieve my depression and anxiety. When I get really down in the dumps, I go sit in the living room among the flowers. I will sometimes use Echo to play nature sounds to add to the sense of being in a garden. I swear that there was an awful day last week when that little setup saved my sanity. Now it's up to me not to kill the Geranium plant I was warned could be finicky!
This one is a little heffa-ish!
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the pictures and I hope that you check out The Plant It Earth sometime.
My budget is about as bad as my emotions sometimes are. Broke and depressed, I have found that houseplants are the cheapest way to beat the blues and decorate a home. I've already told you all about this though. Since I haven't been driving, it's best that I do what I can online. Or maybe not.
Walmart's Garden Center had beautiful and affordable plants when I was there a couple of weeks ago. I had to look at the budget and pay some bills first so I only just now got one for $13, but I'll get back to that later.
My photo does no justice!
When I saw online that there were a Cordyline and some other plants that I could actually afford (even including the shipping), so I ordered them and waited anxiously for their arrival. The shipping time was shorter than estimated. That's one good thing at least. The problem is, the plants were MUCH smaller than I thought they would be. They all - all FIVE - came in a box smaller than the one I once got a coffee pot in!
Okay now, let's play the ol' what-I-ordered-and-what-got game...
As you can see, that snake plant is a hearty little thing. It's the one I've been advising my friends to get if they have trouble keeping houseplants alive.
I think the cordyline was the biggest disappointment. It wasn't the size (I didn't expect a huge one), but that poor thing was all kinds of beat up! It's been about a week now and I'm slowly getting her to perk up. I was sick in bed myself the past day and a half so I checked on her this morning to see how she was doing. Thank goodness she's starting to look a bit healthier.
That's what happens, I guess when you order certain things online. And this is what happens when you go in and actually look at stuff in person...
Again, my camera kind of sucks!
There were only three of them left. I guess I wasn't the only customer shocked to see such a great price on such a beautiful plant. I don't even want to think about what this would have cost me in Anchorage. Okay, I will guess at a low estimate of $30 maybe? I'll have to see if one of the nieces can run over and do a price check for me.
My camera does not show the full beauty of those colors. I do think the Walmart folk were over-watering her because her leaves have some browning and are brittle in a couple of places. At any rate, I love the plant. On my worst days, I will go lay in the living room just to look at all the plants and this cordyline is extra special. They should place these plants around patient areas in hospitals, seriously.
By the way, I don't see the brand of Hirt's Gardens on the large cordyline. Hmmm... This is what she looks like next to her mini-me:
Big sister, little sister
Now, I don't want to bash Hirt's because I'm sure they do the best they can to carefully package the plants for shipping. I kind of want to put the blame on the carrier. I could tell when I unpacked the plants that the box had gotten knocked around - and Hirt's had boldly labeled it as holding LIVE PLANTS. C'mon now people.
Anyway, I wanted to do this post for anyone else who may have thought of ordering plants online - from any seller, not just Hirt's.
Soon as I'm feeling better, I will do another post on the plants I've collected (yes, another one!). Meantime, I'll leave you with something I recently saw on Pinterest: don't stop be-leafing.
This post is for anyone who might be struggling with emotional turmoil and depression. For a lot of us, tough times always feel tougher around major holidays.
We think of holidays as being a time of joy and togetherness, filled with good times and high spirits. People who don't understand the "Blues" outside of the usual and "ordinary" type, might assume that a holiday will lift make everyone feel better.
When you are dealing with any kind of depression - no matter the reason or source - it's easy to see only the downside to all that holiday cheer. While other people are gathering together, you might feel alone and forgotten - even while gathered with others. You see families and couples and friends and think of your own broken relationships. If you live in a snowy climate, you feel isolated. If you live in a sunny climate, you feel shut off from the seasonal spirit of things.
It's not only people who are dealing with mental illness or other emotional issues who can feel this way. Depression can come from lots of sources: having your life thrown out of whack by some surprise circumstance, illness or personal loss. Depression is a form of mental illness.
Let's stop and look at what that term means instead of just making snap judgments. This from NAMI is the best definition I've heard. The sentence is under the question of "What is mental illness":
A mental illness is a medical condition that disrupts a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Just as diabetes is a disorder of the pancreas, mental illnesses are medical conditions that often result in a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life. (source)
If we lived in a society that subsisted mostly on sugar (and we just might), lots of us would suffer tooth decay and obesity (and we just might). We do happen to live in a society that is stressful most of the time, is it any wonder that so many of us are suffering from mental stress?
Times are just tough for a lot of folks and for lots of reasons. Money doesn't buy happiness, but poverty is no picnic either. Society is so fractured around us, with everyone feeling the pressure of belonging to (or being excluded from) some kind of group - racially, gender-wise; Boomers and Millennials and the Y's and Z's; the rich and poor and middle class; the "Singles" and the "Coupled Up"; Liberal, Conservative, Christian, Jewish, Athiest, and every other moral or religious or political persuasion.
No matter who you are, or which "group" or "percent" you belong to, you might be feeling the Blues a little bit harder than at any other time of year. I have my own version of the Blues that hum at me constantly like I'm being serenaded by Mississippi John or Memphis Minnie, so I get it. Totally.
What I want to say to anyone else who is dealing with their own Blues is that I hope you try to get through it one moment, one breath, at a time. I hope you don't let the cloud of your sad feelings overwhelm any light you have in you or around you.
Here are some resources for anyone feeling troubled - and these are just some, not all. If you don't find what you need here, call your local clinic or hospital and ask if there is counseling available. There are also resources for those of you who know someone who might need help.
And, finally, because I am a Christian, I turn to the Bible for reassurance. One of my favorite verses from the Bible is Psalm 27:1. I remind myself of it when I just need to get through one more moment: "The Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear?" (You have to know how awful my memory is to realize how much that verse must mean for me to have it memorized.) Here are 8 more verses that might be an encouragement to you. (And, if you are a person of faith, please pray for others.)
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