Forgetting What Makes You Sad

Even though I struggle with depression, I pride myself on staying above the worst of it. Most of the time, that is. But I think that winter is starting to get to me because it's been a rough start to 2022.

Maybe what makes this latest struggle so troubling is that I don't have one of my main champions with me this time. And maybe that is what's causing this struggle?

My best friend is having a hard time with her memory and motor function. She can't even properly explain to me what her doctors have told her. I think it is dementia or a cousin to that horrible disease. I just hope that it helps her to forget to be sad.

These days, my buddy forgets to call me. It's hard for me to get in touch with her because she thinks all her callers are telemarketers. I get most of my news about her via one of her family members but I know that she would hate that. She would be really bothered to know that we are discussing her and her health issues. So I try to restrain myself. 

When you have a best friend, you develop what I call "friend reflexes". You hear some interesting news, you call your best friend. You get a weird feeling that something might be wrong with them, you call to check on them. You feel down, you call because you know they will understand. You feel especially happy, you call to share the joy.

My best friend and I were always laughing about something. We might start a phone call feeling grumpy, sad, or mad but we usually ended up laughing like silly 10-year-olds.  I swear that half the time when talking, we'd forget that we are supposed to be adults or "seniors". Once, we got to giggling about something and I ended up dropping my phone on the floor as I hightailed it to the bathroom before I wet myself. And my friend was laughing so hard when I got back to the phone that I thought she might hurt herself.

I've talked a lot about how my friend was there - as a friend, nurse, therapist - when I was going through the worst of my really bad marriage and separation. When I think back on the time she took me in and nursed me for 5 months (while I was unknowingly really sick and on the edge of losing my mind), I think of verses out of  Matthew 25

'..For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ (Matt 25:35-36 NASB)

Years before, when my mother died, my friend was there for me and my sister. Later in my life, when my oldest brother died, my friend was there for us. When my sister died, she was there for me and even sent a book to help us talk to my 3-year old nephew about death. 

Now that I don't get to talk to her multiple times a week, I miss her so much. When we do talk, she might not even remember that we did. One day before she got started ignoring all phone calls, she called me three or four times in the space of an hour. She didn't remember each call so she would call back "just to talk to my sissy".

She was the one person alive who knew the "before sick" me. She could understand what I hate so much about my sarcoidosis and why. She knows what I was like before so she understands. Or understood. I never felt like I was fighting my illness alone because I had my sister and when I didn't have her anymore, I had my friend.

Since I don't get to talk to her unless someone else is around to tell her that it's not a telemarketer, I text her. I don't know if she reads them or if someone else just sees them. I text to tell her I love her. I'll text her a joke I've heard. I will text to just tell her how much I miss her.

And I am sure that she is sad. Once, when she still called, she had a very lucid moment when she told me how much she hated the feeling of being lost to herself. She knew that she was losing her ability to remember things. I hope that she has forgotten now what is happening to her. I hope that all she has are peaceful thoughts or the peace of not knowing what is happening to her.

Yesterday, I was feeling really med sick. I couldn't sleep so I sat up all night, just thinking about wanting to call my friend. I miss her. I miss my big sister. I miss my mother and my brother. 

Today, I was trying to remember the recipe for a soup that my friend always made. It had cabbage and sausage and tomatoes. I cannot for the life of me remember all the ingredients, ratios, and tips for making it so delicious. I didn't even bother trying to cook. I just sat in the living room and cried.

So, yeah, this weather isn't helping. It's been off-and-on crazy cold. Cold like the North Pole.  And there is so much misery in the world, it's all starting to get to me. But I am going to try to remember everything that my friend would say to me to make me laugh or to make the world a little better.

For now, I am sitting here, unable to sleep and just missing people.

Peace

--Free

Grief Prolonged

Today was one of those days. It was a decent day, but so many little things bothered me that I just felt worn out by noon.

And I'm missing Perry so much still.

I've been listening to a song that reminds me of him and our friendship. I'm surprised that I didn't know how much he meant to me until he was gone. He meant everything.

It was Perry who kept me on the safe side of sane when I was going through the worst of my sickness and life turmoil. He could make me laugh if that's what either of us needed but, more than that, he could let me cry if that's just what I needed. I hope I was there for him like that too.

I know that people can die of heartbreak because I can literally feel my own heart aching every time I want to see an email or get a phone call from my buddy. He's not here anymore and that just hurts and hurts and hurts.

Thinking of you, my friend.

I wish you were.

I know what you'd probably say if you were here. You'd tell me to go ahead and feel all the bad stuff - just for a little while though. Then you'd tell me to find at least one blessing to count. So I'm going to sit here and feel sad for a little while, then I'm going to continue a challenge I've been given to name 3 blessings a day. I'm on Day 4, but it's harder to count through the tears I'm swallowing.

Peace,

Free

Sorrow, Not Regret

Talking to a (temporarily) depressed friend the other day, I could hear in her voice that the root of her mood came from thinking of all the regrets she has. Looking back on only the sorrows of life can bring anybody down. I've done it many times, and I'm sure most people have.

One thing about trying to talk a friend out of a low mood is that your words of advice often will shine back and light up your own situation. That's what happened for me. I didn't notice it until late last night when I was having one of those pity parties myself.

This was a pity party of one, brought on by having too much left to do in preparation for Iowa and letting myself get worked up into a state of post-midnight anxiety. If my family had been awake, I would have been distracted by the chaos that is our usual mode of being together under one roof. But it was late, I was tired and too wired to sleep, and I'm pretty sure that the smoked fish I had for a snack was acting as a organic hallucinogen.

I went from thinking of what to pack into the two suitcases I'm taking with me to wondering if I shouldn't add a third suitcase to wondering about the meaning of all life and afterlife. I actually got up and went outside for a while to stand in the rain and have a conversation with God (who was probably musing at how often we silly humans think for some reason that we have to be looking at something - the sky, tall trees, birds - to talk to Him). While I was outside, it started to rain and, as a result, I went back to the bedroom with not only a full-fledged case of self-inflicted anxiety but nappy hair and damp clothes.

Regrets are rude guests, always coming for a visit at the wrong time and when you are not in a mood to entertain them. They are really only good for one thing: reminding you that you have to be compassionate enough to have them over for company.

except maybe for that really bad high school haircut

Anyway, I said my prayers and lay down to try to sleep. Of course, once I started to relax, I started remembering everything I'd said to my friend. I hadn't said much (for me), but the basic piece of advice I gave her is probably something I retained from what my mother taught me:

Instead of only thinking of what you would undo if you could, try realizing that all choices can have good and bad consequences.

Yes, I could have remained with that first person who loved me. We could have spent all these years celebrating milestones and accomplishments as a couple. On the other hand, we might have separated anyway. We might have done more damage to each other had we stayed together any longer.

I could have taken a different job, or lived in different places, or done so many other things differently in my life.

But I didn't. And you know what? That's okay. It has to be. And it will be.

#SimpleTruth

Like I told my friend, there is no need regretting yesterday because there are no refunds. We can't go back and change anything, but we can live as a person who is changed for the better by the regrets we have.

When I went to sleep, I felt better. When I woke up, I certainly felt better. What I hope to remember from here on out is that I will always have some sorrow, but I'm never going to give time to past regrets.

Sing it, Ella!

Peace
--Free

Friendships, Conversations and Laughter

In my anxiety (good and bad) about everything happening in my life right now, I saw something hilarious on Facebook:

Thanks Sandy!

Best idea ever for a t-shirt! Of course, I had to call one of my best friends. This friend can always make me laugh, no matter how much I don't want to laugh. While we chatted, I scrolled through some cute images online. Here are highlights from the scrolling and our phone conversation:

I used to be this way

Me:  "How can I have such blazing indifference about a person I once cared about?"
Friend: "When that person is such a blazing mess that I wondered why you cared in the first place."
Me: "Who were we talking about?"
Friend: "That's my girl."

Pray for people to win their battles

Me: "What if I hate Iowa? Do I come back to Alaska for the WINTER? Will I survive that?"
Friend: "If you hate Iowa, just think about spending another winter in Alaska. I bet Iowa is going to win that fight."

Friend: (teasing, I think) "Make sure you pack enough hair products. Iowa sounds wonderful, but I'm not sure if they are going to have a big supply of Afro-Stretch in the stores."
Me: "Thanks for giving me something else to worry about."
Friend: "On the other hand, Iowa is close to Minnesota. Doesn't Prince live in Minnesota? He's wearing an afro again."
Me (after my brain comes out of a tailspin of confusion): "So, what? I'm supposed to drive over and borrow products from Prince?"
Friend: "Or just order your nap control items online. STOP STRESSING YOURSELF OUT!"
Me: (Realizes she was just teasing about packing my hair products.)

I've been hugger & hugged

Me: "If I move there, I should have less stress. Did I tell you I plan to start a garden?"
Friend: "Do you remember that you once killed a cactus?"

Me: "I love you, girl. Promise that I'll never be blazingly insignificant to you."
Friend: "As long as you matter to yourself, you matter to me."

My glass if full of good people

Before my friend and I hung up, she told me something I needed to hear: that we should pray not just for the people we love, but for the people we can't love. That's deep.

Peace
--Free

P.S.: I see you over there, back on G+, Miz +Marla Hughes & I like that you're back!

Real Friends

• I talk with them using my 'real' voice and not that one I use for answering the phone and talking to strangers.
• They talk to me the same way.
• We laugh about our other voices.
• Laughed with them and didn't worry what I looked like while I was laughing.
• Let the them see see me looking like hell, when I had a good reason for looking like hell.
• Let them see me looking like hell, even when I didn't have a good reason.
• They encouraged me, without hurting my feelings or esteem, not to look like hell unless it was for a good reason.
• If it was for a good reason, they didn't care what I looked like, they only cared what I was feeling.
• Exposed my body, my mind and my soul, without thinking about being exposed.
• Spent time with them - with no music, TV, or noise needed to mask the silence.
• Cried my eyes out when I was sad.
• Cursed a rainbow-ed streak when I was mad.
• They know my family and have met the skeletons.
• They and my family (and the skeletons) are now family too.
• I might not hear from them for weeks but, when I do, we are the same friends we've always been and will always be.
• When we are out together and look at someone, then look at each other, we read each other's minds.
• Doing that sometimes gets us in trouble.
• We are used to getting into a little trouble together.
• Walked away in the middle of their visit when the urge to write hit me.
• Let them make my home their home.
• Fell asleep next to them (male or female) in bed after we spent hours talking, or because it was way too late/dark/cold for them to go home, or because they were too tired/drunk/cried out/silly to drive home.
• If one of us is sick, the other one is going to be there or call or do what we have to do to show we care.
• I let them use my computer and not worry about them seeing my browser history.
• I've seen their browser history and we're still friends.
• Pulled down my pants, lifted my bra or took off my shoe to ask if they knew what the hell that was about.
• Did a Google Search with them when they had no idea what the hell that was.
• Laughed like a maniac with them when we finally did figure out what the hell that was.
• Didn't drop them as a friend for life when they told me why I should never, ever, wear that one pink shade of lipstick again.
• Didn't even get too mad at them when they told another good friend why they suggested I never wear that damn pink lipstick again.
• Let them have a copy of that one really embarrassing photo from my childhood - not the embarrassing-but-cute-in-retrospect photo, but the photo that one hundred and ten years from now will still be embarrassing.
• Being able to act like I am a silly, giggly, ten-year old girl again with them one minute, then being as grown as needed the next.
• I can call them at anytime - the middle of a busy day, in the dead of night - and they are going to answer my call.
• They might end up cussing me out if my call wasn't urgent, exciting, raunchy or entertaining, and I interrupted something that was, but they won't hate me. Much. It depends.
• I'm okay with them cussing me out because of those calls. At some point, I'm going to cuss them out for the same reason.
• They are still going to answer my future calls. I'm still going to answer theirs.
• We know that not all family is blood-related.
• Told them about my fantasies, dreams and goals - even the ones I won't tell anyone else. Ever.
• They've seen me nappy, happy, crappy, cute, bitchy, petty, feral, contemplating naughtiness, regretting wrongs, and being wholly, totally, truthfully, no-holds-barred me.
• They know me and still love me.

"Friends come in every shape and color and, most importantly, in every kind of crazy." (me)

Peace

--Free

From Pinterest...

This is my kind of friend!

Friendship for real

Ruthie, Ruthie, Ruthie...

I'm too lazy to look back at posts to see if I ever mentioned my friend Ruthie here. Put it this way: if I've talked at all about writing, I've talked about Ruthie.

Ruthie is that friend everyone wants to hide from every now and then. She is great, really, but she can be like a bad toothache. The pain is a bitch, but thank god it reminds you to keep up good habits - like brushing and flossing.

The bitch-pain part of Ruthie is that she has more faith in me than I sometimes have in myself. I say I want to be a published novelist. Ruthie knows I'm going to be published someday. She's not going to give up on me even if I have to kill her and write about it from Death Row to make it happen.

We have a pick-up-where-it-fell-off kind of friendship, Ruthie and I. She's married. Has been since the first days of elephant jeans. Actually, if I'd stayed with my first husband, Ruthie and I would be wishing each other Happy 30th anniversaries soon. (Yeah, I do have regrets.) The hilarious thing is, Ruthie and her man divorced once for a few months and got back together but none of us count the breakup. Ruthie gets busy with the "renewed" marriage and her two grandkids (yeah, another thing for me to "what if?" myself about) and our separate lives get in the way. Plus, she lives in another state which forces us to use the phone and internet to keep in touch. The last time we dropped the phone-call ball was last year when I had a minor romance and Ruthie was moving with her husband into a new house.

The other day, Ruthie saw my post about Amazon's writing contest. This blog is her way of peeping in on my life, I guess.

My phone rang at around one this morning.

Those too-late-to-be-good calls always stop my heart for a few seconds. You know how the brain's worry cortex - or whatever it's really called - kicks into gear before you're fully awake, right? Who's sick? What happened? No, God, no...

I've already had enough bad, sad and frustrating news in the past few months to last the next decade. I never even thought to look at the caller's I.D. so I was pretty relieved to hear Ruthie's maniacal cackle when I answered my phone.

"Girl! You sleeping?"

Yeah. That's my Ruthie.

"Sleeping, scared straight, having a minor heart attack. Whatever."

"So, listen. What are you submitting to this contest?"

Ruthie was talking like she was calling during a lunch break. One a.m. here means four a.m. where she is. Really, heffa?

"I'm trying to submit sleep to the contest of 'Be My Ass on Time to a 7:30 Doctor's Appointment'," I told her. "What the hell is wrong with your clock?"

"I got a Keurig for an early anniversary present and I've been trying all the different coffees," she said. "I haven't slept in four days."

"Well, I have a twenty dollar Living Essentials one-cup maker that drips mostly water, so I was sleeping just fine."

"Ooh, girl. We're going to have to get you a decent machine," she came right back. "You know how you get without a good cup of caffeine."

I kept reminding myself how I love this friend of mine. And I really was glad to hear from her - even at the ass crack of before dawn.

"Back up. You got a coffee pot - for your anniversary?" I wanted to know. "What's really going on with this 're-marriage' thing?"

"I got myself the Keurig," she said. "Calling my Keurig a 'coffee pot' is like calling Denzel a 'man' Now, what about this contest?"

One-track Ruthie.

"I'm working on something, but I don't know if it will be done in time."

"No excuses," she said. "Get it done, girl. Just. Get. It. Done."

"I can't rush my process."

"What process is that? The one where you criticize yourself to death while you're writing, then delete everything and start over?"

This is what happens when you have a friend who knows you too damn well.

Ruthie did her full routine. She nagged, she encouraged, she made me feel way more intelligent that I am. By the time she finished, Hemingway was a hack who learned under my mentorship in a previous life.

"Yeah, okay," I gave in. "I will get something submitted. I might go crazy trying, but..."

"Good. Now, are you seeing anyone special?"

I ended the conversation right there by reminding Ruthie I had to be up soon to drive in messy weather. Basically, I damn near hung up while she was still talking. If I let that woman get started on my love life, I'll be married before Valentine's Day.

Hmmm...

Peace
--Free

Friendship

I think I've said it before, but I really hate those annoying mails you get with the sappy sayings, etc. Recently, I got the best email ever. All about friendship & so cute (and true) that my lazy ass is going to post it instead of using my own brain to come up with something tonight. Show you just how lazy I am, I'm going to post the SAME thing on my new My Space blog! And, by the way - feel free to drop by there to see my "space" or my blog there... As if an "analog" sister like myself can keep up with another spot in the WWW. (Stop laughing, Supa and Abeni!)

Sister girl is tired tonight, so 'scuse the slow down for a minute or two. I will be back!

Peace
--Free

TRUE FRIENDS

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound

good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. (I dedicate this one to my non-friends - like the klutzy parking lot blonde!)

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you
can only think of 4.

Remember......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend
will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring
a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.