Me & Planet Fit

So, I'm at the gym yesterday (because my nephew guilt-tripped-slash-shamed me into going) and I spent more time thinking about the gym I belong to than using what it had to offer. (I'm pretty sure that thinking burns calories, so don't get all huffy.)

I belong to Planet Fitness (when my membership payment doesn't go all Captain Kangaroo and bounce), which prides itself on the whole "No Judgement Zone" theme. This is true, mostly, but I have noticed a difference in atmosphere between the two centers I use. My 'home' gym, closest to where I live is nicer than the across-town gym.

The home gym has fans. Cooling fans, I mean. I love those fans. I'm shameless about taking one of those fans and lugging it nearer to my workout station. Matter of fact, I'm downright rude. One time, I waited until the guy on the treadmill a few spaces over went to re-fill his water bottle. When he came back, I'd moved the fan from behind his spot to behind mine. He was too polite to say anything. I'm such a thug.

The home gym also had stair machines which, until about two weeks ago, the other gym did not.

The parking sucks at both locations because they are both just down from Burlington stores. The pavement is better at the home gym location though. On the other hand, the location across town is in the same mall as a great beauty supply store. Oh, and there's a not-really-dollar dollar store just down the way. I go there at least every third visit to pick up a $2.99 lock because I'm either forgetting to bring the lock I have, or because I lost that tiny key to open the lock I have with me. I have a collection of cheap locks and loose keys in a box in the closet. One day I'm going to sort and match them up and put them in the yard sale I never actually have.

The point I was going to make before I went all ADHD on you is that I prefer the across-town gym to the one just a couple miles down the road from where I live. The biggest reason for this is not that, until a couple of weeks ago, I could avoid that crazy stair machine, but that I like the atmosphere at the other gym. The across-town gym, I mean. There is a more diverse mix of people (size, shape, color, motivation) there than at the home gym.

When I go to my home gym, it's not that I feel out of place in my raggedy workout clothes, as long as they match. There are just some unspoken expectations. I always spend an extra five minutes in the locker room checking out my hair and making sure I pretend to do stretches because it makes me look like I give a damn. You can't look like a total amateur at home gym. For instance, you really don't want to get caught looking at the picture on a machine like you forgot exactly how to use it. The people there notice stuff like that. They all walk around that 'No Judgement Zone", waiting to not judge each other. One time I made the mistake of adjusting the seat on a machine - while I was sitting on it - and the damn seat clanged down with a clatter loud enough to stop time and shine a confession spotlight on me. No one judged, but they made such a big deal of not judging that I didn't go back there for a couple of months.

I really do prefer the across-town gym, if I haven't pounded that idea home by now. I go there and actually hang my reading glasses from my tank top so that I can see the machine instructions better. If I don't read the instructions, I end up trying to use an ab machine for my inner thigh workout. It's damn near a tragedy.

Another thing I like about the preferred gym is that I can be as lazy as I want with my workout. There's no pressure to enter the place like you've just held hands in the locker room for a prayer and a pep talk before storming into your workout. Sometimes, I get all my exercise just wandering around trying to decide which machine I'm not going to be getting on.

It sounds like I'm not serious about my exercise, but, really, I am. Usually. My normal routine is doing 3 miles per hour for 45 minutes on the treadmill at varying inclines. (I can do an incline of 11 without sliding off the damn thing, if I hang on for dear life and pay no attention a single thing going on around me. I can't run. I tried a sort of half-trot once and looked like Goofy's black Alaskan cousin. I lose my balance watching other people run. Matter of fact, if someone next to me starts running, I will move to another machine just to get away from them.)

When I finish on the treadmill, and if I have survived it, I move on to the Ab Station. There are about 9 machines over there, but I stick to three of them. I don't know what the hell to call them, but they are all for doing variations of crunches. I like the one where you kneel and pull your weight up via a little roller thingie. Since I got so technical, here's a photo:

Love this thing-a-ma-jig

The Ab Station is supposed to be a 12-minute routine. I haven't figured out if my 12-minute system of exercising for 2 and resting for 2 counts, but ~shrug~ hey. Besides, I always forget to pay attention to that red light/green light notifier flashing on and off. Doesn't matter since no one seems to actually do the entire rotation. We all just pick and choose our favorite machines and pretend not to notice who skipped which.

This is my other favorite:

I don't think he's doing it right

Now that my nephew goes with me to the gym, he's got me using all the stuff I avoided before. A couple weeks ago, I started working on my arms and chest. If someone had told me before that I could keep my boobies high and tight by using those machines I thought were only for guys, I'd have been on that like a boss. The one thing I don't like much is using free weights. I didn't even know what 'free weights' meant until my nephew told me. I told him that we are both safer in the gym when I don't use things that are heavy and can be dropped. He thought I was kidding about my clumsiness until he saw me on the treadmill. He ain't laughing now.

I know that a lot of people complain about Planet Fitness, but my experience has been mostly positive. Mostly. The only thing I don't like is that, at the across-town gym, the so-called Fitness Trainer turns out to be this chick who I thought just hung out there because she was homeless. Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen an employee outside of Home Depot less interested in their job. During one of my first visits to the gym, I thought about asking her for help with setting up a PIN # on the treadmill, but I didn't want to rouse her from her stupor. She's skinny, though she doesn't look particularly fit. I can say that because I once weighed 98 pounds and I know I wasn't fit. I think she needs a good meal. Some spinach or liver, maybe, to get her energy up.

Mostly, I see getting and staying fit as being about getting and staying motivated. If I don't plan to hit the gym, I eat a bit less. If I want to cheat and have a Whopper because I got coupons for a freebie in the mail, I make plans to be at the gym the next day. (The next day because, let's face it, after a Whopper and fries, all I'm good for is a nap. Besides, I don't like being around people when I have that special onion breath that comes only from Burger King's onions. And what the hell is it about those onions that make them so especially funky?)

As far as Planet Fitness, I don't know if I will be renewing my membership when I can opt out. Now that I'm thinner and have more stamina, I think I'd rather save up that twenty bucks a month to spend on my healthier food and cute clothes. Somewhere along the way, I should be able to get a used elliptical or treadmill. My nephew has a membership now so I can hit the gym as his guest. Let him pay for going to the Purple Yellow Palace. To be honest, I'm not sure that PF has my best interests in mind when this is the first thing I see while showing the hot-as-hell guy at the counter my card:

aka: Planet Really?
Sometimes, I take two if hot-guy's not looking.

Come to think of it, maybe that tired trainer chick is just sluggish from all the free pizza...

Like going to a doctor to score crack

Peace
--Free

Laughter Can Be the Best Diet and Exercise

So... I've been making it to the gym. Can't back out of that 20 bucks a month contract now. Damnit.

I'm proud of myself. Eating better, still not smoking, and belonging to a gym for the first time in about 8 years. Yay for Planet Fitness.

The roommate and I dragged our out of shape butts over there twice last week, but since it takes us a good thirty minutes of pep-talking each other to go, we came up with a plan. Three days a week is going to be our goal. That's pretty much giving us a day in between to rev up for and bitch about the next workout. Saturdays are going to be our "treat" day: a luscious, creamy coffee concoction from the Sugar Shack or a burger made by someone who has no idea how to spell "healthy."

When I talk about "treats," I mean, anything decently delicious is the real deal. A Thin Mint would be a treat. Most days I survive on cereal (hot or cold), bowls of chunked-up fruit (cheaper as summer approaches) or those liquid yogurts I've become addicted to. Sometimes though, I have to give one of those staples a break. Last week I ate so much cereal, I wanted to beat a turd out a the Quaker Oats guy.  Seriously.

I can't even cuss about any of this.

Grocery shopping makes up about a fourth of my walking exercise since I can't get it all done in one store. I generally shop at Walmart, Carrs-Safeway and Fred Meyers. I get my canned goods at Walmart. I don't mind getting the occasional apple or watermelon there, but I prefer other places for my colors and packages. (Is it just me, just in Alaska - or does the produce from Walmart seem to start turning the moment you get past the theft sensors?) Walmart clerks already know me by my first name since I use the store as my clothier, Deli and stationers. They see me coming and start pointing out the current bargains.(Who the hell needs Bergdorf when you have Walmart? Hah!?) Lately when I go in, they start re-stocking the canned hominy and seltzer waters. I can't afford much else but fruit and veggies on sale at Fred Meyers, but I have loyalty cards for them and Carrs.

Fruit is the current love of my life, even though, just like with a boyfriend, I want it to go away so I can miss it just a little. I have eaten so many melons and grapefruits that I dream in yellow, green and orange. Melons of any kind make me pee like crazy. They make my roommate burp. My roommate does not care when or where she does this. I was brought up Southern and Pentecostal. We hold stuff like that in until we have a bit of privacy. I once almost put out my back after eating beans that weren't soaked overnight. But. I was talking about diet and exercise...

I don't want you to think I'm complaining. At least, not about the food. No, I save my complaining for the gym. And I'm not talking about the workout itself. The workout is only half the struggle. The real fun started for my me and my roommate when we had to walk around with our reading glasses on to study the label on each machine. We looked like two grandmas come to town for the day.

"Why, looka here, Bessie Mae! This 'un is for your 'pec-, pec-, uh, something-oral." (Sounds like country porn, doesn't it?)

Thank God that Planet Fitness does mark all their machines with nice clear instructions. Hell, they even have illustrations for the really stupid people. I just wish the pictures were bigger so I didn't need my glasses to see them!

If you think we looked crazy trying to figure out what each machine was for, you should have seen us using some of them. That was true entertainment. My roommate will kill me when she reads this post, but, I swear, she was straining so hard to get on the seat of an ab machine that she ripped a big loud toot-toot. And by loud I mean, imagine an air-horn in an echo chamber. I have never been able to hold my laughter. All that came to mind was what my uncouth roomy likes to say after she rips one: "At least it don't stink." She says that every. single. time. This time, I just about slid off the little ab-swivel thingie laughing. I was thinking that a bad smell couldn't make this situation any worse. Thank God and His universe that the gym wasn't very crowded. Besides, Planet Fitness members tend to ignore one another. It's part of the "No judgement" code they have. I'm too new to this code. I laughed so hard I'm sure I dropped about 12 ounces of water weight.

Yeah. We stayed only long enough to slink to the lockers and grab out street clothes. Slid right out of there, quiet as we could.

The excitement over my roomy's oops should have died down by the time we go back on Monday. If not, we will just have to go across town to another location. Whatever. Maybe now the roomy will listen to me and not be so free about dropping toots and belches in public.

Peace
--Free

111 days, 23 hours, 49 minutes.....

Free is still SMOKE FREE!