I Have Trouble In Bed

(Not that kind of trouble, so nothing good to see here.)

I have sleep troubles. I am either exhausted and have to fight sleep if I want to have a life, or I can't sleep. When I started on Chantix, I had trouble staying awake. For the first few weeks I could nod off into a coma during a pap smear. And I dreamed a lot of dreams. Not the Disney-colored fun dreams, but those nightmares where I would experience at least one of my phobias in full CGI while paralyzed.

Fifteen days ago, I put cigarettes down for good. At that point, I was so traumatized by all the fresh air in my lungs, I can't remember now whether I slept or not. Now, though, I'm nicotine free.  (Yay me!) I'm also pretty much sleep free. No matter how tired I get, I sit up at night like a twitchy junkie waiting to rob my sleeping roommate  This would be the perfect time for me to foster a colicky two-year old (or teenager with midnight creeping tendencies).

Let me tell you, insomnia is not good for someone like me. I'm already moody, I am manic and highly impulsive, and I have access to the internet. I was just on G+ bitching about the evil nature of Pinterest. Now I'm blogging about this shit. Back in the day, I'd be reduced to counting sheep or re-arranging my closets. These days, there's probably an app for counting sheep and I can't do anything in my closet without pissing off the chick who lives right above me. (This apartment living is a bitch. Walls are so thin, if the neighbors have sex, I want a cigarette after.)

Yeah, I'm in a pissy mood tonight.

You know how when you are sick and can't sleep, you kind of want someone sitting up and checking on you every now and then? (Or is that just me?) Well, if I was sick and not just restless, I'd be dead waiting on my roommate to give a shit. She can sleep like it's an Olympic sport and she's got a title to defend. I've known her for over twenty years and never knew how hard she sleeps. If she's not driving, eating, talking or smoking - she's sleep. And I don't mean she just dozes off - unless "dozing off" means passing out like someone beat the hell out of you with a horse tranquilizer. I'm not sure if she even stays completely awake for sex. I'm going to have to ask her about that.

When I first came to bed tonight, I checked my watch. Just checked again and, after four years, only and hour has gone by.

If I manage to stay sane for another hour and a half, my niece will be getting up in North Carolina. I could call and talk with her for ten minutes before she has to start work.  She works from home and in her PJ's, so I might get another ten minutes of sympathy chat before she pretends her boss is on the work phone and she just has to hang up with me...

I suppose I could do some exercises, but I make noise when I exercise. My neighbors might think I'm having sex or something. Worse, since there are no cars in visitor parking, they'll think I'm having solo sex. Damn. Okay, so that rules out exercise.

The only thing left is finding something to watch on TV. Nothing funny though (I laugh like a guffawing goat when I am over-tired), and nothing that involves any kind of cruelty (or I'll be writing "rant" letters to a television network or something), and nothing with even a hint of male-female physical contact (the solo-sex thing again, because when I get tired...), and that leaves... what? "Caillou"?

What the hell. I'm going to go back over to G+ and read happy affirmations that just piss me off.

Peace
--Free

Someone posted this the other day. It seems fitting for this moment:

Never Gonna Grow Up

My little brother really gets me. By that, I mean, he is the one person who best understands me. Strange brew.

We were talking on the phone the other day and he could hear my music playing in the background.

"You know why I love you, sis? Because you are the youngest old woman I know. And one of the strangest."

Well, damn. I could take that a lot of ways, huh?

Of my four best friends in this world (family excluded), only one of us always acts her age. The rest of us are stuck somewhere between having survived adulthood and making the rest of life as fun as we can. I can be good, bad, happy or sad. I can be old if I ever need to be and young when I want to be. After the hell my life was a few years ago, I have learned to be what I want to be at any given moment. I am a chameleon. God loves me just as I am so the rest of the world can just deal with it.

The BFF I am now living with is as crazy as I am. Wherever we go, we tend to meet people who notice us because we have fun. (I only hope that some of our laughter and love rubs off on them.) We can make a trip to Walmart look like a vacation. A local Village Inn is our hangout, but I am pretty sure that we should be getting paid as on-site entertainment. The other day, a really boring couple came in with their teen-aged kid. I swear, these people were having no conversation other than ordering their food. By the time my friend and I were getting ready to leave, the woman came over and gave us a hug because, "You guys seem to really enjoy life." (Maybe what she actually meant is that we are just too silly for words!)

I don't really care anymore what people think. Life is going to bring us enough worries, fears and tears; it's up to us to bring the joy.

By the way, what follows is the playlist of the CD my little brother overheard:

Yeah. Me and the BFF (in Alaska) sing along with all of these as we drive around.

It ain't right, but it's okay. Life is way too short.

Peace
--Free

Music Therapy: Ray Charles

A girlfriend & I sat last night listening to some oldie-goodies, sipping some goldie-winies.

Mr. Charles, 1963. A favorite.

Peace
--Free

Coming Off The Ledge

I had a few very bad days of being super-depressed. When I get like that and nothing else can bring me around, I go off the grid; close myself up away from everyone and everything so that I can do my praying and thinking in peace. I also try to find reasons to deal better with everything.

The other day - about Day 5 into my time in the abyss - I was re-reading a book about the band INXS. I just loved  this group back in the day. The singer, Michael Hutchence committed suicide (or at least, gave in to sadness) at such a young age, 37. Like a lot of people, I was surprised and had to ask the usual "Why?"

A good way to revive yourself out of a funk - or at least talk yourself off the ledge - is to think of someone who didn't make it out. You think of how much they must be missed by the people who loved them, and all the wonderful things they did not live to see. You think, or I did in the case of Hutchence, of  how the talent they shared with us is the only thing left. I still use the lyrics that Hutch and Andrew Farris put out there for us. And Hutch isn't the only sweet soul who didn't make it; he's just a famous face of so many people's pain. They just didn't make it out of a very bad, and probably very temporary, place. As Bono put it about Hutchence: he was just stuck in a moment.

Now, know one thing about me: I get stuck in moments, but I've always made it out. I have a secret weapon in the war on depression. I have a deep faith in Jesus. If I didn't, I'd have not made it through things that came years before this bad time. Trust that.

Jesus promised, "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you." (John 14:18)

Some people don't have faith in anything. Some people just teeter alone into the bad places that depression can take any of us. If you are depressed, please find a positive way to deal with it. Call someone, hold on tight to someone, pray - just don't give in to it.

Anyway, my bad moment has passed. I celebrated last night by listening to some of  my favorite INXS songs. My "favorites" in anything change with my mood. Right now, this is my favorite:

R.I.P. Hutch

Peace

--Free

P.S.: If you don't understand faith, I don't either; I just have it. This is a story of a woman who seems to have & understand it.

U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:

1-800-273-8255

Save.org

Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

**Wikipedia has list or resources for those of you who live outside the USA**

Memories Are Like Moonbeams

Briefly coming out of rest mode to share something.

I love this from the movie about Bobby Darin, "Beyond The Sea." I love old big band type music. Love Bobby Darin. Big old crush on Kevin Spacey from way back in his "Wiseguy" days. Love this number.

(Sorry bout the ads; I have no idea how to lose them!)

How great is that kid's dancing? The line he says at the beginning is, "Memories are like moonbeams, we do with them what we want." In other words, Darin isn't dead because his songs are like moonbeams that are going to be here forever.

Back to my cocoon now.

Peace
--Free

Music Flashback: A Triple Flash

(I guess I should title these posts "Musical Flashback," but, oh well. You all get it.)
Too tired to post so here's a couple of my faves from back a while ago:

And for the BFF's peeking in on the blog: don't freak; I am just tired and listening to some lull-time music, not depressed or anything.  ("T," I know Amel's song brings back memories, good and sad. I love you, sis!

To end for the night, we can't forget Mr. Davis. I'm okay with but not a freak for jazz, but I like this. I like it a lot. I'm going to let it put me to sleep.

Peace
--Free

Music Flashback: 1982

Who hasn't felt like this at one point or another? I used to listen to this song and just feel like, "Ohhhh, why???" LOL It's a great song to cry to when you just need to sob through some stress.

Take a listen.

(Oh, and that face he makes when he's really hitting the notes? That's the exact same face I'd be making when I sang along. In the car. Where people could see me. I didn't care.)

"What About Me?"

Moving Pictures

Now, go, have a good day. And don't make that face!

Peace

--Free

Today's Attitude Is...

 This

And/Or...

THIS!

Because, if you mess with me today, I'm gonna have something for your ass

Hell yeah!

Um, Peace?

--Free

LOL!!! Somebody's with me on this. This wasn't up but about 3 seconds & I got a message to add the version with the lyrics! Daaaang.... This must be a wrong day for more than a few folks.... SMH 

Like Rap? Ummm... Some

I got a mail about music I post here. The writer wanted to know if I like rap. Answer: Not a lot of it, but what I like I really like. I'm into positive messages - not gang-banging, excuse-making, cop-out b.s. that talks about women or sex like disposable things. To be honest, I don't know the difference between "Rap" and "Hip Hop." I don't even care. A lot of it just sounds like white noise to me with "bitch," "hoe," "nigga," and "busta cap" thrown in every few beats. So, yeah, I like some but not a lot of it. I have to think on it for a while. For now, I can name a few.


Tupac: Keep Your Head Up
Grandmaster Flash: The Message


Also, because I don't get half of what they are saying, "but I can dance to it," this one that I am so ashamed of for liking:

50 Cent/Mary J. Blige/Beyonce: "In Da Club"

I don't club anymore, so this is for exercise now.
Warning: this has foul & racial language.

And this one:

Los Mono: Se Puede

The Mono: It Can

A friend explained the lyrics to me as being totally about a positive personal vibe. He said the lyrics basically mean You can (can whatever). I'm down with that.

Lyrics in Spanish

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

tengo mas que mil infinitas posibilidades
yo, puedo hacer lo que quiera,
voy a tratar a ver si sale
a veces sale a la primera
pero primero trato
tratar es papa. para papa
yo si quiero puedo mas

porque no tengo nada que perder
lo que yo quiera yo lo voy a hacer
porque de quererlo nace el poder

yo con mi cabeza 
un par de cosas puedo hacer
pegarme cabezazos 
o empezar a comprender
que con ella una idea
puedo dar a conocer
mi manera de ver
la vida ________

Cuentate a ti mismo
un chiste que no sabes
haz una cancion
sin saber composicion
juega ajedrez 
sin entender ni como es
nada te lo impide
eres tu el que decide

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

a veces me canso me aburro
cuando no me sale me funo
me apago no duro mucho
se me cae el mundo y no lucho

dando bo bo botes hasta que caigo parado
trato como perro, me repito el plato
imposible verlo hecho si es que no lo hago
hago lo que quiero soy dueno de mi rato.

y uno y dos y tres y cuatro
la cabeza es un musculo
minusculo en algunos
si este es tu caso
ejercita dale duro
ponle de lo gueno
eres dueno de tu sueno.

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

                                            And - thanks to Google Translate, in English:

can, can ....

if you want, if you want ....

I have a thousand endless possibilities

I, I can do whatever you want,

I'll try to see if it

sometimes goes to the first

but first try

deal with is dad. for potato

I do want I can more

because I have nothing to lose

what I want I'll do

because of wanting to be born

I with my head

a couple of things I can do

hit me headers

or begin to understand

an idea that she

I can raise awareness

I see it

________ life

Cuentate yourself

a joke that you do not know

make a song

without knowing composition

play chess

understanding neither as

nothing stopping you

are you the one who decides

can, can ....

if you want, if you want ....

can, can ....

if you want, if you want ....

sometimes I get tired I get bored

when I do not leave me Funo

I turn I did not last long

I drop the world and not fight

giving bo bo stopped boats until fall

treatment as a dog, I repeat the plate

impossible to see it done if I do

I do what I am owner of my time.

and one two and three and four

mind is a muscle

miniscule in some

If this is your case

exercises give hard

ponle of gueno

You own your dream.

can, can ....

if you want, if you want ....

can, can ....

if you want, if you want ....

Peace

--Free

Old Loves. Old Love Songs.

One of my BFFs (J) called me today & we got to laughing & talking about being free of old stuff. while trying to be open to new stuff.

Stuff.

Yeah, okay. Stuff is work, love and laughing.

J has some new "stuff" (of the heart, if you know what I mean) and I've been giving her a lot of crap about it. Because it makes her smile and blush. So dang cute!

Anyway, we have both recently been cleaning out old stuff. We were talking about old loves & such & it dawned on us how much a part music plays in any kind of emotional "big-moment" situation. Think about graduations & the music. Weddings and the music. Funeral and the music (especially in my "Holy Roller" background!) Not so much for births, but I guess that's because it's usually some kind of romantic music that got the drawers dropped in the first place. (Sorry, I am being crude for some reason.)

A n y way...

J and I admitted to some of the songs that have gotten us a little carried away in past romantic situations. I thought some of hers were kind of odd (I mean, Peter Frampton is a guitar GOD, but, um... I don't see how anybody gets all heated up from his music.)

Some of my old favorites were so good to me, I actually went back and listened to some today. There was Van Morrison's "Tupelo Honey" (don't ask), dang near anything by Lenny Williams or Teddy Pendergrass (as the comics say: Lenny cried you into bed with his "I love you, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!" & Teddy damn near made you jump in the bed with his "Turn off the lights!" Couple times I'd be mad at my husband & I'd forget what about once Teddy started crooning. I mean, really - "Turn off the lights, and let's get cozy" - what woman doesn't like to cuddle?), Barry White & Prince could just get nasty. Man, that's for grownups only. Al Green makes you want to snuggle a lot. And I love some Natalie Cole singing about how she "can't say no," but I start selling jewelry to support some bum when I listen to her. I can really just listen to some Shai or even some jazz to feel a mood... But that all kind of appeals to the body only. That kind of thing is great if you're twenty. At this age, I need to get my head and heart involved. (Don't ask me to tell you what J needs for that. You would fall over laughing and start Googling mental conditions to figure it all out. I will just say two words and leave you to gape: "Weird Al.")

Back to me and other semi-normal people... Some music just makes two people want to move in closer and just be together. Nothing complicated, no freaky-deaky, no mental gymnastics. Just a pure I-love-you-like-you-am-crazy-about-you-even-when-you-have-sleep-gunk-in-your-eye.

(Sorry. I don't know what's with me and the word-chaining today.)

My all-time favorite gets me deepest probably  because it's good for it all from I-just-love-you-so-much to I'm-sorry-I-was-a-bit**h (cos, um, I'm a little moody). Listen & tell me if this doesn't want to make you want to be in love...

*sigh*

I'm not even sure what the heck she's sorry about and I don't care that she's probably singing to a woman. Dang, that song just melts my heart.

By the way, I told this to J & that heffa stole my song! I tried giving her Prince, Etta James, Al Green - I was even willing to loan her Van Morrison, but noooo... She's decided that my song fits her and her new man. That's all right, I will come up with something new. Won't be telling J about it tho!

Peace
--Free

Unwind

The last several days of the McCain/Palin mess has me tuckered out. So, today during my afternoon errands run, I shut off the talk radio and turned up the Earth, Wind & Fire.

Man.

Nothing like EWF to mellow you all the way out.

Seriously. When's the last time you heard horns like those on "In the Stone"? Or a slow jam like "Wait"? This is stuff you can crank up in the car and not die of shame when you pass a car filled with little kids. No talk about grinding or thongs or mysteriously named body parts. Just plain ol' good music and musicianship.

I haven't listened to much new music lately (except for that damn Hannah Whoever mess that my niece is obsessed with and those little Jonas people and whatever I happen to hear sonic-booming my car when I'm driving around town). I wonder if there are any artists out there actually using instruments the way EWF or Barry White did. Are any of them pouring their soul into their songs like Lenny Williams or Otis Redding or Teddy P. did? The last attempt at putting some old school soul and sweat into their craft was youngsters along the lines of Jodeci (who were good, but sometimes ruined it all by trying just a. little. too. hard).

So, anyway, I just had to toss out that little rant. Maybe some of your "growner" folk will be inspired to take a cue from Mr. Pendergrass and "turn out the lights and light a candle"...

Peace
--Free