Early Resolutions

Most folks wait until January to list their New Year resolutions, but, as you all can tell, I have been slowly working on mine for the last several months. I guess I can't call what I've come up with "resolutions" since those are usually things people intend or hope to do. I've come up with changes I've already made or am definitely making. (Matter of fact, I added one to the list after a wasted evening out: In other words, I won't be doing the family dinners out anymore.There was nothing in it for me to enjoy, so I would  have done better to go out with a friend. With a friend, I would  have had mutual conversation and something to look back on later as being pleasant. Tonight cost me money that could have been better spent and was a complete waste of time for me. If my mother were here, I think even she would tell me the same thing.)

So, other than that, here is the main list. *drum roll please* I resolve to:

• Know that God made me for and intends good things for me no matter what the present is like.
• Grow my faith more.
• Stop doing anything that doesn't make me feel right. No more "go along to get along" or "grin and bear it." 
• Start respecting myself no matter whether other people have the decency to do so or not.
• Spend more time and attention on those in my life who add joy and love. Less time and thought on those who don't. (I'm thinking of 3 dear friends who I've neglected a little)
• Find a way to express my creativity again. If this disease killed my writing ability, there is still something I can do. I need to find that and do it.
• Make plans to live more happily independent from family. I've been too close to them and need to concentrate on me and my happiness. That will let me enjoy the time I do spend with them more.
• Pray more every day. Spend real time on my spiritual life. Reading the Bible and going to church.
• Join a support group for this disease.
• Learn something new this year - an art or a technology.
• Return to keeping a paper and pen journal.
• Start a collection of stones. I might even make a hobby of collecting and polishing them. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never did.

And there are some that I know are typical: stop smoking, lose weight, etc. LOL.

I wonder what kinds of resolutions other people make. Not the ones they tell everyone about, but the ones that really mean something special to them. Hmmm.

Anyway, I am planning to be a stronger person in the coming year. I'm am already making inroads.

Here's to 2012 and the next however many years God grants me of life.

Peace
--Free

Finding My Happy Place

Okay, this is kind of funny, but it's also serious.

I always talk about my friend on here. Well, she is so much more than a friend. I should be paying her for therapy!

Lately, I had been going through some things, questioning my place in the world and thinking a lot about loyalty and recognition. Basically, I felt that I was not being recognized, or that I was purposely being "put" in a lower place in people's lives than I thought I deserved. I felt like the kid on the playground, trying to fit in with the cool kids and just wearing myself out.

Now, I'm sure my friend, who has all the patience and compassion in the world, got tired of me sitting on that pity pot. This morning, she put her foot down and just told me how it is.

She says that when people play games of manipulation and playing other people against one another, that's their problem and not mine. All they are doing is losing out, unless I keep playing along.

Wow. I didn't realize I had been playing along until I really thought about it.

So, now I have to learn to let it go, and that's not as hard as I thought it might be. I've started already. I have stopped trying to fit myself in where I am not invited. I use my energy on other things. My girlfriend said to think about what I am losing out on: Nothing. Not one thing. I now spend my energy on reciprocating attention on those who give it. As for the others,  I don't love them any less, but they will only get from me what they give. Matter of fact, I think I love them more this way.

How simple is this? And why didn't I see it?

I have to tell you, when my friend explained things this way, I felt like I was breathing new air. I felt sort of set free. When I think about the mental anguish and energy I've always put into these "games," I just can't believe it. Instead of trying to hang with the cool kids, I have to be my own kid. Other people can take it or leave it. Their loss, not mine.

The thing now is, trying to adjust to this new way of thinking. It's surprisingly pleasant, but it is different. I'm shedding years of my own neediness. I wasn't even aware of how pathetic I had to seem. I had given people power over me, whether they realized it or not... I feel like I have been given a gift of emotional peace.

I am reminded of something another friend told me years ago: "Where you are is where you are supposed to be."

My place in this world, in my family, in life, is not someone else's place. I am in my own place in life. Everyone is in their own place. The trick to being happy is learning to accept your spot and work from there.

One day I am going to ask my friend how she got to be so smart, but for now, I'm just happy that she is.

Peace
--Free

Wishes For Some

I was talking with my friend tonight after we'd both had a rough couple of days. I cried on her shoulder and she cried on mine. When she finished telling me about some of what she's been dealing with and how heartless her co-workers seem to be, I wanted to be angry. But, true to her good heart, she wanted to pray for them instead. She reminded me that while we are currently going through our trials, there are those who have their tough times yet to come. She said that we need to pray that they have the strength that God has given us.

She is right, I guess. I have heard of so many people just giving up, committing suicide or just losing themselves to insanity. God has been a rock and a refuge for us.

So, here is what my friend and I talked about wishing for some people:

We pray you never have heartache like we have had. That you don't have nights where you cry yourself to sleep, while trying to pray. We hope that you always have your health, your finances and your basic dignity. We pray that if you ever do need someone's help, that they do it without making you feel like a beggar. We pray that you don't ever have to wonder what on earth you will do tomorrow. We pray that your loved ones are healthy and your children are well. We pray that you don't ever cry tears that you just can't hold back. We pray that you never feel some of the things that people with trials and tribulation do. We pray that if you do have troubles, your faith remains intact. We pray that, no matter how bad things get, you have friends like we do and that you find something to smile about at least every day.

My mother used to say that if you live long enough you will have heartache. She said that sometimes when you think you've been through the worst, you will go through something more. Mom believed that people took their good times for granted. She taught us never to say "never" or "not me" or to talk about what you are going to do. She would tell us to say, "If the Lord is willing..." She'd tell us not to be arrogant about what you have or are able to do. I didn't really understand the lessons at the time, but I'm glad I paid attention. The way I treated people and talked back then has created blessings for me during these times of trouble. (Thank you, Mama.)

My friend and I pray together often. When we talked tonight and prayed, we decided that there are two types of people in the world: those who know they are not in control and those who think they are. We know that we are not in control - God is. No matter what I suffer, I am glad for that.

Peace
--Free

Photographic Evidence (Ch-ch-changes!)

As you all know, I was diagnosed with this disease from the sick mind of some evil genius gene or something. Anyway, I've talked here about the physical changes the medicines have caused - Predinisone = weight gain; the other meds = hair loss, etc... Well, once again, there's nothing like pictures.

This was me right back in August or so of 2010, trying on clothes for a job interview

I ended up not getting the skirt. I thought it was too form-fitting for an interview. The point I'm vain about is that I am at my average weight of around 145lbs...

Here are other photos where I am a normal (for me) weight & with all my hair...

June 2010 my birthday lunch

Also 2010 on back deck with nephew Dre (and I had put on about 15lbs here!)

 Dec 2009 Houston @ a friend's house, trying on the Christmas present from my big sister in Anchorage. (It's the same outfit I am wearing above)

 

And...THIS is late July 2011. I'd been on prednisone since the 4th. This was just the beginning!

My niece, who is very pregnant right now, isn't much bigger than I have become. Every time I go to the doctors' now, I've gained. I go once a month & I've gone from 160 to 173 to 185 to 192 this last visit... My doctor and I try to joke about it, but it does cause problems. My body was not built to carry this kind of weight. I am small-boned. We all change as we age, of course, but as an example of my normal body type: at 21 when I got married, my wedding dress was a size 0 - and it still had to be taken in. To this day, no one in the family - including the younger children - can get into that dress. Do you know what my back feels like right now, lugging around this prednisone belly??? LOL SMH

The wedding pic. Man, I wish I had been smarter back then. If so, I'd still be married today to a pretty decent guy...

Was I ever really this young?...

Sigh...

This was fun. Think I will have to do another one when I go through the family pictures.

Peace

--Free

Photographic Evidence (Weather)

Seeing beats hearing any day. Here's the weather I was complaining about a week or so ago:

The above is what the driveway looked like when I went out to shovel last week. HUGE amounts of snow.

This was the yard one morning after ANOTHER dumping of snow. (Mama would have LOVED this!)

This was a gorgeous morning treat. Too bad I only have my camera on the phone... :-(

And...drum roll, please.... THIS is looking out the upstairs window a few minutes ago...

My nephew took advantage of the first day of the warm weather and cleaned the drive down to the pavement. If only we'd known what we were in for, he could have just waited for it to melt down...

(Hey - I haven't done pics for a long time. I might have to do another quick post... right now! LOL)

Peace
--Free

You Have to Wonder

I'm sitting here feeling stunned by what's going on with our weather. (I know, I know - I have been harping about the weather lately!)

This is crazy. The wind has gotten up to 118 miles per hour in some areas here in Southcentral Alaska. Here in Anchorage, I can feel it shaking and battering the house. The strangest thing is that it's gotten to 40+ degrees. In November. In Anchorage.

Now, it's not unheard of (in my 40+ years here) for it to get to 30 degrees at times, but this kind of warmth is just unreal. I might be wrong, but I can't remember this kind of anomaly happening in years.

If my mother were here, she'd be telling us about the End Times. My mom was hilarious. She grew up in a culture where people respected the weather and related it to things they were taught in church. For instance, I remember hearing her talk about the angels rejoicing or the Devil beating his wife - depending on whether it was raining while the sun shined or thundering and lightening.

I think I already told you how we kids had to get somewhere and sit down when the weather got bad. At my grandmother's house, you weren't going to move, talk or think in color if there was a thunder storm. "Big Mama," as we called her, wasn't going to have anything electric running during a storm. She'd make us go around unplugging stuff. We'd all gather in the front room with Big Mama keeping watch. She had a switch handy so she could switch one of us if we moved or acted up.

It sounds funny now, but I liked the idea of that kind of respect for the weather. My parents and grandparents knew that the weather is the work of the Lord, so the respect was really for Him. It's a good thing no one watched a lot of tv back then, because in Texas, there was a storm every other minute. Probably that why we kids didn't watch a lot of tv. No electricity around our house! lol

It would be interesting to know what Mom would think about this weather. She loved wintertime so she'd probably be upset that all the snow is melting so close to Christmas. She loved Christmas and she didn't enjoy snow-less ones. (The one Christmas we spent in Arizona was such a disappointment to her that she was a little depressed.)

Since I'm mentioning Mom and the weather, I will remind you of something I've posted about before:

As I've said, Christmas was Mom's favorite holiday. She loved having the house decorated with lights outside and all the trimmings inside. Decorating our tree was not a family project. Mom did that and you'd have thought she was DaVinci the way she worked on it. When she was done, it was beautiful. She could tell if anyone moved even one tiny ornament. Anyway, one year, as a gift to her, we had someone come and hang lights on the outside of the house so they would not have to come down at the end of the season.  There was an inside switch for us to turn them off til next time. We had the lights for quite a few years and when Mom passed away - in April - we all came from the hospital to find that the lights were turned on. We thought that maybe our neighbor had done it in honor of Mom, but she came over to ask if we had had someone turn them on. We never figured out what happened, but we all like to think that the Lord had something to do with it. A way for Mom to say goodbye.

So... didn't mean to wander so off point.

I hope that wherever you guys are, the weather is behaving. Stay safe and try to enjoy.

Peace
--Free

Momentary Thoughts

I really hope that this is just a mood I'm in today, but I am seriously considering getting back with my husband.

Whew! Never thought I'd hear myself say that. Never thought I would even THINK it.

My husband and I are separated because of his verbal abuse and his tendency to lie every time his lips moved. He is an alcoholic, whether he is still drinking or not (I don't know).

But.

He was mine.

After everything we have been through, at least he has not just forgotten me. He still calls almost every day - not that I answer. He sincerely cares, he just doesn't know how to be a good husband. Maybe God can fix that.

Everybody, I think, needs to know they have someone. No one is meant to be completely alone in this world. It's why God gave Adam an Eve. I believe it's why God promised He would not leave us as orphans.

I don't know. We'll see. Maybe if money is not such a huge problem for us, things will be better. I think I have to decide which is the worst feeling: being alone or being with someone who is not always at his best.

This is a prayer situation. Or maybe it's just a momentary thought.

Peace
--Free

Random-ness

This is what I get for complaining about the snow and cold... The temp jumped to over 35 degrees & there is just a MESS out there on the roads. Some of us over on G+ were sharing weather complaints the other day, but that's when I was just complaining in general! LOL

Speaking of G+, oh how I dig it. Had a couple of little glitches at first, but now I have the hang of (most) of it. Best of all, there is so much interaction. I know that I had said I wasn't going to have a bunch of random people on my stream like I did with Facebook, but G+ is different - SOOO different. People don't have to know each other to touch bases. If someone posts an interesting news article and I "share" it, we'll both get discussions going on from both our "circles." It's an cool way to keep up on stuff and learn about things. (Nicest of all, I have circled & been circled by someone with a disease similar to my own. Good support for both of us.)

Health wise, I'm having a rough week. This cold is a fierce little annoyance. I can't tell when I'm having a Sarc cough or just a cold cough... I slept most of yesterday. I could not have gotten up if someone was giving away free diamonds... Little better today, still feeling draggy, but, hey, I'm alive.

Well, not much to post about today. I'm going to wander over and check out the blogs I'm following. Make it a good day, all!

Peace
--Free

Tag, You're "It"

Can I just be a big old whiny brat for a minute here?

I don't have an available shoulder to cry on right now, so... Tag, you guys are "It."

This has been the worst couple of days I've had in a while. And I have had some baaad days!

Yesterday, I fell while shoveling the driveway. Nothing hurt but the left side of my pride. Today, I wrenched my shoulder while chopping ice. While I was in the bathroom later on, I noticed some new spots on my face. I'm wondering if these are the skin granules that come with Sarcoidosis. Hopefully not. Might just be from dry skin. (I mean, did I not already complain that God has taken everything I used to be vain about: my hair, my figure, my thought processes. Now my skin is going to be all crazy looking?)

Anyway, back to this horrendous day.

My sister had a little day surgery planned for today. Nothing major (thank God), but poor thing, she had to do the medical fast from last night to - well, let's see, it's 8:00pm now and we got home about 30 minutes ago. I felt so bad for her because this was truly a nightmare of a day.

The surgery was scheduled for 2pm and we had to be at the hospital by noon. We are on time and ready to go. I'm promising my sister all kinds of coffee and food the minute she can roll out of recovery and work her lips.

Yeah, well...

Apparently this was the day for every emergency or mishap or whatever could back up things in the operating rooms. The poor doctor was just going into another surgery at the time that he was supposed to be getting ready for my sister. Our 2pm surgery didn't get started until about 4:20pm. And of course, we can't just cruise on home because that would mean this day wasn't the absolute crappiest. No, we have to go by the pharmacy - not that my sister really needed the pain meds at the moment; the pain will probably kick in later - because I have meds that I can't be without and my sister has meds she can't be without... (Oh, when we all get to Heaven where there will be no illness!)

So, I get to Walmart and go to pick up all the meds. Well, there's 3 of them that are so expensive that they're just going to have to wait a few days. The ones that are ready and - ahem - reasonably priced still come up to over $50 with insurance and every discount program known to man... I just about felt sick to my stomach - until I realized that might require more meds...

I am just done in. I'm so tired that I forgot I was hungry. My legs hurt from lugging all this 190 pounds around when they were built to carry a max of 140. My eyes are irritated and starting to itch. My shoulder is achy. If I could, I'd curl up in a ball and just wait for the Rapture.

Good news is, now that I got all that off my chest, I feel slightly better. Once again, I am reminded of God's command and promise: "Be still and know that I am God."

He knows what kind of day I've had and He knows how I feel right now. He knows and I am thankful. Praise God.

Peace
--Free

Acceptance & Stllness

It's never too late to learn and never too late to fix things within yourself. Part of giving your life to Christ is learning that you put away old things and take on the new. We are new in Christ.

It's difficult to go against so much of what you learned from a child up. It seems almost wrong to go against the grain that way. All my life I was taught that family is everything. Blood is thicker than water and all that. If what was good for the family was different than what was good for me, I was taught to defer to the family situation. And I did. I never questioned it.

For my most productive years - my mid-twenties to my forties - my sister, my mother and I kept what I will call the "base camp" of the family. Our house was the hub. It's where "Grammy" was, so it's where the rest of the family came for comfort, safety, wisdom and love. Mom was Grammy, of course. My sister was the "lap," and I was the worker bee and sometime disciplinarian. It was a good life. I never thought it should be any other way.


Sacrifices are not seen as costing anything. They are treasures built up for memories.


For a long time - in fact until recently - I was blindly assuming of what my place is in memories. I thought that all those little treasures would mean something. My little brother and I have discussed this before. His theory is that people don't cherish what they took for granted. I'm still undecided.

Outside my family, I've had a few very dear friends. The kind that stay in your life forever. I've since made one of those friends. So, I had family and I had friends. I thought I had built up a treasury of bonds and ties and memories.

After I got sick, I had tons of emotional support from a girlfriend here in town, another friend in Holland and another friend in Texas. It was nothing big or flashy, but they called, they sent random text messages and jokes and emails. In their own ways, they were letting me know that I truly mattered to them, that I would be missed. One of them just the other day sent me a joke about being fat and beautiful. (I had sent her a pic of my with all this weight!)

I appreciated that love so much that I didn't notice the absence of anything else. For most of July and August, I think I was in shock from everything that had happened (I had nightmares for a few weeks about death and dying) and just didn't pay attention. But when I did, I noticed the phone calls that didn't come. Amazingly enough, some of these were people that I would have died for, and that I had sacrificed time and years and life desires for... I had to decide how to deal with the disappointment.

There was a time when this would have just undone me. I mean, it would have devastated me down to my soul. If it had happened before I re-committed my life to the Lord, I don't think I could have handled it. I've noticed that most of the worst has happened when I have the strength of Christ to lean on.

What happened in this case is that I was forced to take a look at life as it really is and not the way I've always wanted it to be. I can't be bitter or mad or resentful.You can't change who you are - not to yourself and not the other people. You can accept it.

How simple is that? When the thought of acceptance came to me, I thought of Psalm 46:10 - "Be still and know that I am God."

That is one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible to me because it is an answer to everything.

So I have learned to be accepting. I don't push myself into the center of things anymore, hungry for acknowledgment. I don't sit and wonder why or why not. I don't regret anything I have done for anyone else. I don't feel the depression from the sense of not being on someone's radar. I just accept. 

I have learned to be still and know that God is God.

So, if you are out there, feeling rejection or being passed by in this world, please don't. Try to accept and be strong enough to hold on to God's promises. This life is temporary. It's not eternity.

Revelation 21:4 tells us of one of those promises:
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Trust on that.

Peace
--Free