Old Pains & Praying for a Forgiving Heart

Have you ever had the past reach out and tap you on the shoulder? Like, "Psst, hey you. Remember that time when...?" And it's rarely a good "time when". Yeah. Anyway.

 I recently got a voicemail from someone out of my past. I let the call go to voicemail because, apparently, telemarketers have found my number. Yay. 

Anyway, when I checked the message, I didn't recognize the voice but it was male. The caller's message was aggressively friendly - although "friendly" is not the word. Maybe I should say the person sounded as if they were being friendly. In a weirdly aggressive way. Still, I didn't recognize the name. They were talking as if they were putting on an act for someone. Like, I said, it was weird. Weirder, this message said something about the person having once been a "best friend" of mine. I've only ever had a few "best" friends. All of them are female and 2 of them are dead.

I had my brother call the number and it turned out to be someone from quite a ways back in my past. And this person did not end up being a very good friend (of any variety). As a matter of fact, their last interaction with me seemed to be the start of some of my worst years.

Even people who were not super-close friends (more like very fond acquaintances) had my back when I needed it. This person who called had not had my back at all. As a matter of fact, they turned their back on me when I needed it.

At any rate, I did make an attempt to return the phone call as a polite courtesy. The call went to voicemail. Weirder and weirder, am I right? It's probably a good thing I got voicemail. I was having a really bad "brain day" so I'm sure I might have been incoherent in my stress.

That strange phone call/voicemail dredged up some old pains. At the time, I had too much going on in my life to dwell on how the person had treated (or not treated) me. I left a job that had been important to me and the parting was not nice. My sister was newly coping with her sudden bad health and I was trying to figure out how to stay on top of the mortgage and other bills we had. I was really trying to hold it all together. (And God did bring us through that storm. I did come out on the other side feeling pretty beat up.)

In a space of what feels now like the blink of an eye, a lot happened. I lost (quit) my job, sold the house, relocated for another job, almost lost my sister, sold the new house, ended up married, divorced, relocated back to my home state, started another much better) job, and became seriously ill. It really was a lot.

As I said, God brought me through and the troubles only strengthened my faith. And the storms weren't done with me yet. 

Just as life seemed to be calming down for me, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, then we lost my older brother, then I lost my sister, and then I just felt lost.

My best friends - the true ones - went through most of this with me as they were all going through their own stuff. We shared encouragement, prayers, tears, and laughter - because, somehow, we could always find some laughter! Then I lost my sister. Less than a month later, I lost one of my best friends, and my other best friend relocated out of state. 

Do you know who I did not hear from? The voicemail "best friend". I don't remember getting any calls of support or condolences - not even a voicemail.

So I guess I am, as the kids say, feeling some kind of way. And not just because of all that I explained but also because this "friend" is a Christian. Just like my husband's family full of ordained robe-wearing, choir-directing saints who forget to be as holy outside the church doors as they are inside them. It's painful to be mistreated by anyone but it's more painful that that person is a Christian brother or sister.

So, for a whole day, I lay around (because it was my day to take the nastiest of my medicines) feeling not only med-sick but heartsick. The voicemail dredged up so much hurt that I was shocked.

Now that I am feeling better and my brain is not misfiring, I am praying that God help me to have a forgiving heart. I don't want to harbor any bad feelings for anyone. So I have decided that maybe this person from my past has changed and was extending an olive branch. (I know that I have given out one or two long-overdue apologies/explanations. I still have a couple of people to reach out to.)

There are some verses I will be re-reading in the next few days - (I ripped these straight from Bible Study Tools):

• Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
• Matthew 18:21-22 - Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
• Colossians 3:13 - Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Not to mention the part of the Lord's Prayer one I pray every morning:

"And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." (Matthew 6:12)

Anyway, I am just going to try to leave all the past hurts and bad interactions where they belong: in the past. And I hope to be pleasant and forgiving should I ever talk to that one person again. I do wish them well and I do pray for them.

Peace

--Free