I'm Finally Doing This...

~Folks, I am going to be losing some weight because I am having these 'toofies' of mine taken care of!~

For a long while now, I have been having dental problems. In general, I started having bone problems a while before my Sarcoidosis diagnosis. I cracked a rib sneezing once and didn't think much about it. I was told that it does happen. Once I was diagnosed. my doctors scheduled regular bone density scans - I think it was every other year at first, but I will be having one soon after a three-year lag.

I always told people that my bone and teeth issues were from one of the medicines I take. I was completely wrong. The bone problems are from the sarcoidosis. Aside from every other horrible thing about this disease, it causes bone loss. 

My dental issues started over a year after the diagnosis. I cracked a front tooth and had to have a crown put in. The dentist mentioned the bone loss in my jaw and said I would have to think about doing something about it at some point. At the time, all my other teeth seemed okay. Fast forward to about 4 years ago and, yeah, the problem got worse.

At first, my canines were just a little loose. Then some of the teeth on the side got weak. I was at a family barbecue and when I took a bit of meat, I felt one of my bottom side teeth shift and when I released the meat the tooth lifted up a bit. Good Lord! 

I slowly started losing teeth until I couldn't even smile at people without wanting to cringe. When I finally saw a dentist, the skies opened and I heard harps. My insurance would cover everything - removals and replacements. I was thrilled for 2 days. Then I got the call that this particular dentist wouldn't be able to treat me because of my sarcoidosis. He worked in a community clinic and was concerned about liability.

That was 2 years ago. I felt like I was being punished or something. Some other people were going to the clinic and having their dental work done. A neighbor of mine had her extractions and dentures done within a few weeks.

I wasn't being punished, I was being blessed. Had I been treated by that first dentist, I might be doing what my neighbor is doing: not wearing her dentures and complaining about the work that was done in her mouth. 

As I have learned to do in my older age, I prayed about the situation. I found another dentist but they were a few hours away and I didn't feel good about the practice. Then, one day, my little brother noticed a dental office right down the street from where I live. The practice is well-spoken of around town and the staff was lovely. The dentist is a young dude (I joke that "he's ten!") and happens to be a Christian.

On Wednesday, I'm having all of my upper teeth removed.  We are doing things in stages so I have time to heal after each appointment.

I am anxious, excited, nervous, and happy. Thanks to my family, I don't have to worry about anything my insurance doesn't cover. When I tell people I'm blessed, they think I'm just saying it, the way people say "Have a nice day". When I say I'm blessed, I'm giving my testimony. 

I will end this now and try to come back to update you on the process.

Peace

--Free

**Coming Review** Lenovo Yoga 9i 14" 8th Gen (and discounts!)

 (Go to the bottom of this post to learn more about discounts via LifeMart. I'd never heard of it until recently, but... it's a money-saver.)

The Lenovo saga continues.

Because I have an amazing family and because my current laptop keeps dying on me, I have a Yoga 9i coming.

When I was trying out the Flex 7i (refurbs), I did dream of the Yoga laptop. There was no way I could swing it. It's too pricey for me and I thought of it purely as a dream machine. When I posted online about a super-slick dual-screen laptop I saw, my family was like, "Do you want that?"

Uh, yes. Duh. Right? 

But wanting and needing are not the same. And I told them that I would much prefer the 2-in-1 style that I've gotten used to. I mean, dual-screen laptops are very James Bond-ish but my life is not. 

For me, I need something I can use during long appointments at the clinic and for those days when I am stuck in bed feeling like crap. And the 2-in-1 style suits that. I can use it as a notebook when I'm in bed or I can tent it to fit the tiny tables attached to the infusion chairs, and I can use it in almost any part of my apartment. My laptop is my life. I use it to track reminders and calendar notes and, yes, I blog with it.

Blogging is the one thing I do that keeps my mood up and gets me through my sick days. So, would I like to have that fancy dual-screen setup? I'd have loved to have it when I was busy working and dealing with a normal life - and could buy it for myself. But, for now, I have to be realistic.

What I asked for: the Yoga 7i. What I'm getting: the 9i with more RAM and more storage. How blessed am I? 

As I wait for the laptop - and, as I write this, it will be 5 weeks of waiting! - I couldn't help but read some more reviews. And this is where I got frustrated.

When searching for reviews of "Lenovo Yoga 9i", I had to weed through reviews that had nothing to do with the Yoga 9i 2-in-1. There were reviews for the dual-screen Yoga; the slim Yoga; and, Yoga of earlier generations. I mistyped a couple of times and got results for Yoda and for (Hindu) Yoga.

Finally, I found several reviews that applied. Okay. New frustration and a new rant:

Why do so many reviewers try to compare Windows to Mac? Almost every review I saw tried comparing the Yoga to the Macbook. Why? I am not a Mac user. Mac and Windows are two different systems. It's as if I was looking for reviews of hiking trails (that will never happen!) and got comparisons of that with frontage roads.

If reviewers are going to do comparisons, they should stick to comparing Windows machines against Windows machines. Since I was looking at 2-in-1 setups, maybe even just compare those types of setups.

One of my brothers is a Mac-head (?) and I respect that. However, I have always been a Windows user. I'm not interested in switching operating systems. I don't care how fast, pretty, smooth, all-wonderful, blah-blah-blah the Mac is. I just don't care.

Okay. Rant over.

From reading several reviews and watching a ton of videos, I learned that the Yoga 9i is/has...:

• The best keyboard ever (or else it's not the greatest)
• A super display - even with just the 2k version (or, nope, get the 4k!)
• An amazing speaker system (but maybe kind of "tinny")
• A genius-designed speaker setup (but still doesn't sound quite as good as the Mac.
• A beautiful-looking laptop (but not as beautiful or thin or light-weight as the Mac)
• Great hinges that are sturdy and just stiff enough (or might break if you look at them)
• (Unlike the great and wonderful Mac) a stylus. (But the Mac is still a superior machine.)
• 2 nice color choices (but not as many color choices as the Mac has)
• "Benchmarks" are better than most laptops (even the Mac in some areas! But we won't focus too much on that...)
• Is a wonderful machine that is perfect for most users (you know, the ones that don't have a Mac.)
• A good touchscreen (but a bit too "slick".) And a stylus that writes as smoothly as a regular pen. Of course, until Mac comes out with these features, they are not all that important! LOL.

Windows or Mac?

Overall, I think this is going to be the perfect machine for me. The only things I can tell for now that I might not love:

• There are not a lot of ports. I never paid much attention until now but my Dell has enough ports that I can plug in my wireless mouse and my printer at the same time, and charge some other devices. Though to be fair, there are a couple of ports (or whatever) on the Dell that I have never used. I have no need for HDMI or card readers. I barely know what they are.
• Lenovo's support. I tried my hardest to find the model I wanted on Amazon. Especially because the family is paying for the machine, I could afford to get one of those amazing 4-year Asurion warranties. With Lenovo, I got the 1-year Accidental Damage coverage and the basic 1-year courier or carry-in warranty.
• I have no idea how good or bad Lenovo support is. I do know that I've heard some "iffy" things.

That's about it though for any negatives. Right now.

Some of the negatives that reviewers pointed out don't bother me. A lot of pros and cons about any laptop depends on the user preferences. For instance, some reviewers weren't in love with the pen/stylus but that's not unusual. I love the stylus for my Dell but one of my nieces tried it out once and declared that it was "kind of weird". She's a Windows user but has never used a stylus. It can be weird until you t used to it.

A couple of reviewers liked the graphics for everyday use but don't think they are great for gamers. So what? The most gaming I do is a bit of Solitaire and Farmville. What I do like the graphics for is watching Netflix or YouTube. I'm not over here freaking out on Fortnight (or whatever it's called).

A lot of reviews kvetched about no "on-board" storage for the pen. (One guy actually used the term "on-board" like he's a Navy specialist.) Maybe if my Dell had "on-board" storage for the pen I'd feel let down but... I know how to carry my pen in my case or purse or whatever without losing it. And I lose my glasses while they are on my head! People, just tuck your pen in your shirt or purse or something. (By the way, the sides of the Dell are magnetized to hold the pen but... weak magnets!)

By the way, I didn't realize this until after the laptop was on order but it comes with a sleeve. Not that exciting for me but, hey you pen-losers, there is a spot for the pen on the sleeve. So there you go.

When the ordering was all done and I was thanking my family for the laptop, my Mac-using brother said that I could have spent a bit more and gotten the James Bond dual-screen one - or maybe even a Mac, I just laughed. I'm happy-to-pieces with this Yoga. Let's not forget that I could be rocking a refurbed $300 machine. Instead, I have something that I absolutely don't even deserve. So I have zero complaints. Even the Mac-loving brother admits that, if he did use Windows, he'd choose a Lenovo.

Since my family sprung for this lovely machine, I truly realize that, with gifts. it really is the thought. Just the idea that I am so loved in this crazy clan of ours is my biggest "forever-gift". My family is always there for emotional support and they put up with my depression and anxiety without conditions. If that is all they ever did for me, that would be more than enough.

So.

When I get the new laptop, you know that I will review the crap out of it!

Peace

--Free

DISCOUNTS

I don't want to forget to mention that there were coupons involved in this purchase. I wanted to save my family every nickel I could. 

When you get ready to buy anything - travel, products, services - be sure to know that my Medicare (UHC) gives access to LifeMart. It's available in several ways, apparently. Do some searching and ask around. Perhaps you have a credit card or insurance or something that will grant free access to LifeMart?

Via Lifemart, I got a coupon there that saved around $250. Then the salesman found another coupon that saved around $45. Every bit adds up. So, please, please, please, check for any coupons you can find. When you can, ask the salesman for any other savings that may be available.

Teachers, students, and seniors can get discounts for many purchases - as can former and current military personnel.

All told the coupons and benefits saved us around $322. That's dang near the price of the refurbed laptop I tried out.

Shop around and shop wisely!

Fatigue & Relief

So I have mostly finished getting set up here in my new town. The apartment is awesome, the neighbors are great, and I only wish I had more energy to get back to the book.

I have had my appointment with my new rheumatologist here. While he does not seem very familiar with sarcoidosis, he is a kind and attentive doctor who seems like he will be watching things carefully. The second time I saw him, I forgot to take my BP meds pre-appointment and ended up spending a few hours in the ER. (See, my other docs knew me well enough. If I forgot my meds, they made sure I took them right away and everything would settle down.) I guess I should be thankful that my new doc refuses to take chances. And I bet I won't ever, EVER forget to take my meds pre-appointment, no matter how early I have to be there.

This weekend is not the best. it would be awesome if I felt better, There is live music at the park that I can hear from my open window; the weather has cooled down to the right side of enjoyable; and I don't have my writing desk set up to do anything yet. I should be strolling down to the green to enjoy the music. Instead, I'm stuck inside, watching videos, reading, and blogging. I'm too drained to make the 2-block walk. Thankfully, I made it to the store earlier this morning before this fatigue sunk in. I'm pretty sure the problem is that I haven't had my regularly scheduled infusion. By the time I get it next week, I will be over 2 weeks behind. I never realized how much the infusions helped some of my symptoms.

I guess that, instead of complaining, I should be talking the positives. After all, even though I can't get to the park, I did make it outside for a while to enjoy the beautiful weather. And it really is a spectacular day out. Just a while ago, I went out and fed bread ends to the birds and squirrels! I'm still fascinated by the little creatures who are so friendly with us humans. Remember the friends I made while in the courtyard at my brother's apartment?




Speaking of peaceful, here is a shot of the very peaceful morning on Main:

That's from when I walked over to pick up some foodstuffs.  For a minute, I wondered if something was wrong, then I remembered. Sunday morning. It was so quiet that all I could hear was bird song. Did I mention that this is a "church" town? Sunday mornings are for worship and family. I think that there are about 4 churches in a 6-block radius of my building!

So, yeah, it sucks that I'm stuck inside on a pretty day but, on the other hand, I could be stuck inside and miserable. All in all, I realized how blessed I am. Hopefully, after the infusion I'll feel so much better.

Once I am feeling a bit more up to speed, I will be getting back to work on the book!

Peace
--Free

Reunion of the Youngest

I have a younger brother. We are not the youngest of six siblings, we are also most alike in temperament. We have both lived lives that have soared too high and dropped too low. Now, in our more mature years, we may have the chance to share some years of balance and calm.

My "little" brother (who towers over me), is a gently soul. When he tried to live a life hidden in other people's dreams, he soared. When he tried to live a life that he thought he wanted, and found it so contrary to what his heart is meant for, he dropped.

His life and mine have been so similar, yet wildly different. We've flown, and not been happy; we began falling from the heights, and still felt lost. When we hit ground, we had the humility to look to God. We've been rescued and redeemed; picked up and dusted off. We are here.

Soon, God willing, I will be living near my little brother again. We've made it through everything to find ourselves as grown-up versions of the children we used to be.

It's such a beauty and a blessing.

I was watching out for my little brother...

This time, my "little" brother is the one honoring our parents by watching out for me. Thanks, bro.

Peace
--Free

Thankful to be an Ingrate

With Thanksgiving coming up, I've been thinking more about all I have to be thankful for. (First, I had to climb down off my pity-pot.) God and I had a little falling out when my family was hit by a string of tragedies. Thing is, whenever I "fall out" with God, I fall right into a mess and He's always right there to catch me.

One of the main things I am thankful for is that I am still here to be such a freaking ingrate. And, believe this: when I set my mind to it, I can be the queen of all that is selfish and mean. (Just ask anybody who has known me for more than ten minutes.) So, I guess I am thankful that I have folks who love me enough to put up with me. I'm definitely thankful to still be around to be a pain in their backsides!

Another thing I am thankful for is just waking up every morning healthier than I was a while back. As old folks are fond of saying: "A lot of us didn't wake up this morning."

I woke up and got another day older. Ha! One thing about getting older (and by "older", I mean old enough, not old as dirt) is that you do start actually reading obituary notices when you pick up a newspaper. I used to accidentally catch sight of a notice and pay no attention at all except to be upset that someone, anyone had died. These days, I sometimes check the news only for the obits.

It's a thought-stirring thing to realize that a lot of the people in the obits are very close to my age. Or that they look a lot like people I could have gone to school with or worked alongside... I want to go back to the days when the ages given in obituaries were up there in the late 80's and 90's.  That's the way it seemed to have been when I was younger.    Or maybe it was that ages like 50- and 60-something seemed as old to me as 80 and 90.

Another thing I am thankful for is that I have survived every single thing that I thought was going to be the end of me. You all know what I mean. We have things happen that, at the time, seem like they are going to just destroy us: lost friendships, broken romances, finances that went out of control. When you go through some things, you (or at least I) just feel like you can't bear another ounce of weight on your soul. Then, somehow, you manage to get through one moment of the agony, and then another moment and another. And... you have survived it. What's the saying about living to fight another day? Well.

Mostly, I'm super-thankful that I am getting to watch that nephew of mine as he goes from baby to toddler to whatever kind of kid he's going to be. He is truly a wonder to me. He doesn't know it and I'll probably forget to tell him when he's older, but he has been such a light for me when I felt like I was lost in the shadows of fear and depression.  Looking at a child will do that for you. It reminds me that God made us all that pure and innocent.

There are a bunch of other (and some truly shallow) additions to my list of thanks:

• I'm not nearly as chunky as I was last year. I am on the verge of convincing myself I might be a little "hot" again.
• I can wear heels again. Not skinny heels (or super high heels) and I can't run in them (or even break into one of those cute, hip-swaying trots), but I can teeter around without walking into walls. 

GIFSoup

• My hair, while still way shorter than I originally wanted, is getting thicker. I can do things with it if I wasn't way too lazy to. At least I can wear this TWA and make it work for me.
• I still have my sense of humor (even though I sometimes use it to be not-so-nice).
• I'm smoke-free.
• I'm prednisone-free.

So, yeah, I've got a huge list of stuff to be thankful for. I won't even spoil this post by adding my the things I wish could be on this list. 

Peace

--Free

P.S.: I've gotten addicted to Gifsoup, if you hadn't noticed.

To Be Loved or to Be Rescued

I had an interesting email conversation the other day with someone who was sweet enough to give me advice. He gave me great advice, and the best part of it will probably stay with me all the rest of my life. More on that in a sec.

My running for advice was like a hormonal scream of frustration. I will be 50 + 2 this June.

50-anything is a milestone but not devastating, really. I feel smarter, more beautiful (in the fullness of the word) and sexier than ever. But there are regrets that keep me wake some nights.

There is the almost-perfect relationship that I think I must have just imagined into being. There is the devastation of losing someone I really did love. And then there are the kids I didn't have and never will.

Age is a little bit harder on women. We get past the age of child-bearing. Men don't. We get past 40 and society starts telling us how great we look "for our age." If men get a little depressed at growing older, they should understand why we women feel damn near suicidal.

So.

I was feeling really low a few weeks back. I was feeling like all my hopes and desires suddenly had expiration dates. Falling for someone I can grow old(er) with, having my life validated by the blessings I've secured... I told myself that if all this didn't happen pretty quick, it was going to be too late.

For about a month, I walked around trying to avoid being a witness to anyone else's joy. I don't like to covet or curse what someone else is blessed with, but it's so hard not to feel weary when you see anyone else with what you don't yet have. That's another symptom of aging: when you are young, you feel you have time to get yours; when you get older, every thing you don't yet have feels elusive.

The person I went to for advice is Christian. They are wise and direct and too full of love to lie to a brother or sister. The advice they gave me was perfect, but the part of what stuck with me was this: You aren't looking for love, you are looking to be rescued.

I should be looking for happiness as I am, then I might or might not find someone to share love with. The point is to understand my blessings as things stand.

So I am standing - right here where I am, with my life as it is - and praying and being thankful. If there is someone in this world meant for me, I ask God to bless them. If there is no one, that has to be okay with me too.

Peace
--Free

In the Homestretch

My 52nd birthday is coming up in about 4 months. I never thought I would be so looking forward to counting off another year, but I am.

My 49th birthday was spent with an abusive husband. I remember pretending I had a cold while I talked with family and friends calling to give their good wishes.

My 50th birthday was spent with people who love me, but this sarcoidosis came to visit a few days later. Sarc is not a nice guy. He likes to push your weakest buttons. The only guys who can beat that bastard up are the same ones who kind of punch you around while they are guarding you.

Birthday 51 saw me just glad to be alive. I found myself thanking God one day and cursing myself the next. I was a swollen, sobbing, neurotic bitchy mess of a woman. Fun times. If you don't believe me, ask my family, friends and doctors.

By the time I turn 52 (God willing), I am going to be a thankful, blessed and hopeful woman. If I keep up this exercising, I'm going to also be in the best shape I've been in since I was 45.

This right here is for my doctors who helped me get to this point.

Quit laughing at my "hat hair"

Because I couldn't get a great pic of what's on my phone, let me tell you: those are the stats from my last walk. Distance: 1.37 miles Time: 0:30:57 Pace: 22:39 And, oh yeah - I wore my ankle weights.

The map of the walk looks crazy because I just go up and down the little culdesac behind our apartment.

This might not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but when the Sarc hit me, I couldn't walk without supervision. I couldn't think straight enough to find my way to the corner of our street. God put in the hands of the best doctors ever. Look at me now. I keep this up, I might be able to wear some heels to my birthday dinner.

Anyway, this is my Thank You to God and to my doctors and to all the other folk who put up with me the past couple of years. I love each and every one of you and I will leave it at that. I get emotional too easily so I might break out into "Wind Beneath My Wings" or something!

Peace
--Free

NOTE: The app I used is Noom Cardio-Trainer