Serious IF

NOTE: It dawned on me that some of my vitamins and supplements have calories. If you are doing IF, check that and make sure you know how many sneaky calories you're getting in supplements. Dangit.

A long time back, I played around with an intermittent fasting diet. It was rough and, as with Keto, I couldn't stay on track with it for some reason. At the time, I loved the idea of the IF diet but often felt so deprived and I could not fight off cravings. Recently, I kind of fell back into it unintentionally. I'm serious. I didn't want to blog about it until got into a groove.

Money IS saved!

I was talking with someone who asked about my past experience with IF. They wanted to know why I'd stopped and if I would consider doing it again. I remember telling them that the real deal with IF (or Keto, or anything) is that it really cannot be a "diet" for you. It's such a cliche, but it has to become just the way you now do food.

Not long after that conversation, I had to take a weekly dose of a medicine that makes me feel icky. Every week I take this stuff and for a couple of days, I'm just not into food. All I want is to sip broth and wait for "normal" to return. It's just part of my life. I don't like it but I've gotten used to it and it keeps me alive.

Well now. That sounds familiar, doesn't it? IF is just another life-saving habit to adopt.

When I say that I fell into IF unintentionally, what I mean is that, because of my weekly medicine situation,  I was already sort of doing something like "Modified IF". That is when you do fast, you allow yourself a small number of calories. When you aren't fasting, you can eat what you want - keeping "what you want" within reason if your goal is healthy weight loss.

My problem has not been the fasting itself but the timing of the fasts. So I got myself this free phone app. Actually, I got that app after trying about 5 other apps. iFasting happens to be the best, in my opinion. It's pretty simple and does what I need most: time the fasts and notify me. The only issue I've had is trying to add in the 4 days that I wasn't using the app.

To summarize how I've been doing this time of IF, I will repeat (sort of) the conversation I had when talking with my friend about it. She's thinking of giving it a(nother) try herself. So, in a Q&A format...

Q: How many hours are you fasting?
A: 16 to 18. Usually, 18 because, for some reason, that seems easier than 16. I have just started adding in a 24 hour fast. I'm still on my first one as I type this but hope to do one every week - maybe on a weekend.

If I get to bed around 9, this won't be bad at all!

Q: What times have you chosen to stop and start eating and why?
A: I like to start eating ("feasting") from 8 to 9 in the morning. Here's a screenshot of a  recent fasting day (from the app):

Q: How do you break your fast?
A: With a glass of water while I brew my first cup of coffee. I read that drinking water first thing in the morning (no matter you diet type) is good for you. There are lots of articles about it and this is one I chose at random.  After the water, I start having my coffee that I drink off and on during my feasting hours.

Q: What are some typical foods/meals/beverages?
A: I try to eat a lot of big salads (see below) on most days. When I want, I will "carb-up" with pizza, sweet bread, etc. I try to drink water every day and I am getting better at it. I drink hot tea with heavy cream and sweetened with honey. I mix orange juice (not from concentrate) with black or green tea leftover from the fasting hours. For fun, I sometimes blend heavy cream into orange juice and add a little vanilla extract.

Q: How do you get through the longer fasts? 
A: The first couple of days were the hardest because I had to get back into black coffee. Ugh! I have since learned to use the out-of-sight theory. If I don't pay attention to the food I have around, cravings are not bad. I go into the fridge only to grab water and I stay out of the cupboards where the snacks are.

Q: What do you drink to get through the fasting? 
A: Long or short (remember, I am fasting 16 to 18 hours on a regular basis), I drink a lot of water. I try to get Pellegrino on sale so that I'm getting something sparkling that I like every now and then. I drink black coffee made on the weak side. I think that Luzianne coffee is the best-tasting black coffee I've had because it actually tastes better black that with cream and sweeteners. (It used to be about 4 bucks a 13-oz bag and is no longer available...) Black tea is for later in the day. I am just now starting to drink green tea as well.

Q: Have you ever "cheated" on a fast day?
A: Once. I've been doing this since the 16th (this is the 12th day as I type this). A couple of days ago, after fasting for about 10 hours, I woke up and could get back to sleep. I ended up fixing a slice of pizza and eating a big chunk of vanilla cream brioche. Other than that, I haven't really had a lot of temptations. I decided that as long as I am doing well for long stretches, a temporary setup is not a big deal. That pizza was awesome. See later down in this post for my recipe to jazz up a take-and-bake pizza!

One upside to this is that I find that on the days I eat fewer carbs, I crave fewer carbs. Also, a salad can fill me up to the point where it's all I need to eat for that day.

Q: Are you losing a lot of weight?
A: No. I am losing a little bit every day (according to my scale) and my clothes started feeling and looking better after about (I'm guessing here) 7 or 8 days in. I think I would be losing more weight if I were 'carbing up' every now and then. So far, I've been great about being low-carb but I'm going to play with my menu during the next grocery order.

Q: Do you think that you will be able to stick to it this time?
A: I actually do. Before, I struggled almost immediately. This time, IF feels more natural. Also, I am going to be cutting myself some slack like I did the time I broke fast.

Q: Are you going to make any changes to the way you fast - maybe with modified IF days or adding Keto?
A: No. Other than attempting to do a 24-hour fast on a regular basis - whether once a week or once a month - I am going to keep this simple. I am trying to eat fairly healthily without really depriving myself. I think that the simpler I keep things, the more success I will have in making this a lifestyle habit. So far, the 24-hour thing isn't that much of a struggle. I just looked at the app and realize that I am doing great. I will be up, showered, and dressed by around 8:30 or so and I can drink water until time to have my heavenly coffee at 11:18 when I break the fast. I can keep busy by taking out the trash and unloading the dishwasher until time to break.

Q: Have you noticed any difference, positive or negative up to this point?
A: I wake up with much better morning breath (maybe from not eating so late in the evening?). My urine is clearer due to the increase in the water I'm drinking. My skin seems to feel better (more hydrated, maybe?) and my constant fatigue is a bit less heavy. The one downside is that my nausea from my weekly injection is worse. Maybe I need to carb up before taking my shot? I mentioned that my clothes feel better fitting.

Q: What's the best advice you've heard/read to help with fasting?
A: I figured out for myself the best ways to deal with it. A lot of people find their way to live with IF longterm and we probably share the same pointers:

• To not think about eating. Keep your hands and/or mind busy.
• Put all the "feast" time food away so you aren't seeing it every time you go into the kitchen.
• Drink a glass of water. Drink another glass. Drink some more.
• If you are on IF to lose weight, go look at or try on the clothes you have that you would like to fit better. Do a 10-minute browse through a site or catalog of what you would like to wear in a smaller size.
• Think about the dreaded weigh-in at your next doctor's appointment.
• Take a quick walk to check the mail, empty the garbage, or get some air.
• Realize that it's just food you are abstaining from and that, if you want, you can break the fast. It's a day-to-day situation and every day is going to be different. 

Anyway, this has been my experience. Here is the recipe for 'jazzing up" store-bought pizza and a list of general groceries I keep around lately.

Jazzy Pizza

• Store-bought pizza (I get Adli's Mama Cozzi's or any kind of decent pizza that is NOT Totino-like)
• Mozzarella pearls (this is the cheapest way to get full-fat mozzarella)
• Black olives (I get the canned jumbo size - not sliced) slice them to your liking
• Bacon bit-style crumbles
• Mrs. Dash or Lawry's Seasoning Salt or Garlic Salt, Italian seasoning
• Sweet peppers sliced your liking 
• Onions
• Tomatoes
• Olive oil (I have a sprayer but you can also drizzle) or butter 

Everything is optional. Use what you have and what you like. You could even drain some pineapple chunks if you like a Hawaiian style pizza. 

If you don't have olive oil, you can brush the crust and sides with a little melted butter halfway through baking. I spray the entire pizza slice with the olive oil after I've added all my extras.

 Big Fat Salad

• Bagged or fresh salad greens. I get raw spinach to add to a bag of whatever garden salad is available or just cut up some lettuce and some sweet peppers.
• Tomatoes. Roma and cherry tomatoes have been on sale around here lately.
• Sweet pickles (chopped to your liking)
• Olives (whole or chopped to your liking)
• Bacon bit-style crumbles. I have not yet found bacon on sale to fry up fresh. The crumbles last longer anyway.
• Some kind of protein or combo. I use cheese or eggs and chicken or pork or turkey - whatever I have. I like using those fake crab pieces when I find some on sale. Chop to bite-sized pieces to top your salad.
• You can season with Mrs. Dash-type seasoning or just use salt and pepper if you want.
• Ground flax to sprinkle on top. (I happen to have a huge bag that I bought and keep in the fridge. It's supposed to be good for you.)

Use whatever dressing you like. I love Poppyseed dressing - both creamy or vinaigrette. 

If I eat this salad before I eat anything else, I don't seem to feel as hungry afterward. I can usually eat nothing but a huge salad and I'm done for the day.

I hope this is helpful and/or encouraging for anyone considering IF.

Peace

--Free

Sarcoidosis and the Worth of Life

The past couple of weeks have been brutal. I am a couple weeks past due for my infusion because of a paperwork screwup somewhere and my body is in full rebellion. At this point in my life, I sometimes wonder about the value in prolonging the life of someone with a chronic illness. Seriously.

I once got to see a bill for my infusions and it scared the crap out of me. The numbers were just crazy. And I always feel bad about the weight my illness puts on the "system". What is life worth, really? And what is the balance? If you think about what you mean to the world - to society - and try to weigh it against what it costs to maintain your life...

In a week, I have two or three great days of health. The rest of the time I am depleted by one of my medicines. Every eight weeks, I get an infusion and feel amazing for about three weeks. "Amazing" as in even my weekly med doesn't bring me as far down as normal. Right now I'm feeling worn out from the one thing I managed to do today - walk over to the market for things to make tea and a snack. I had to rest for a couple of hours before I made the tea. All I've done with the rest of my day is lay down and try to fight the heavier-than-usual fatigue and make phone calls about the screwed up paperwork. So I am just questioning a lot of things.

I'm not a mother and I no longer am responsible for the nieces I helped raise. I'm no longer a wife or life partner. My contribution to society overall is fairly limited. So what is the value of life?

Today has just been really tough. I'm sitting on top of all my feelings wearing this crown of self-doubt and trying to talk to God about it all. Sometimes, though, the higher I sit on my mountain of feelings, the further I feel from Him.

What is the value of life? That's what I'm going to be thinking about when I lay back down. And I am going to have to lay back down because just sitting up long enough to post this has worn me out again.

I really hate this fucking sarcoidosis. I hate the way it makes me feel and I hate the way it makes me think - when I can think. I hate how it has come into my life and just bulldozed over everything that makes me sure of my value.

Peace
--Free

**RESOURCES** Chronic Disease Support Groups

Sorry, all. Haven't been posting because my sarc has been raging and keeping me too wiped out to get up and about much. Still pretty exhausted and feeling super cruddy, but wanted to share a couple of helpful resources for those living with chronic diseases. Since I am wiped out and writing this from the bed, I will keep it short.

• Inspire is a site of groups and communities for people dealing with all kinds of illnesses. Sarcoidosis brought me there, and the people are very supportive.
• Facebook group, Sarcoidosis UK is awesome. Nice to communicate with people who understand. We share wellness info and commiserate about the lack of awareness in society and the medical profession. Felt weird to join a UK based group, but I'm glad I did. The next 2 groups are also on Facebook:
• Sarcoidosis Support Group This is the smallest of the 3 groups and it might be a good starting place for newbies.
• Sarcoidosis Support This one is the largest of the 3 groups. There is a lot of sharing of stories about when and how people found out they had sarc. Helpful on days when you are wondering if you're the only one with certain symptoms.

You all know that I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. The groups are one thing that keep me using it. These groups are helpful mostly because they help me realize I'm not along. That's so important. Now that I have moved to another state and lost my original care team, I feel more alone with this disease. I'm often terrified at the lack of knowledge about sarcoidosis and it's sometimes hard for me to communicate with other people about symptoms. No one wants to feel like a "big baby" or to seem like they are whining. Even with your doctors, you feel like you might be leaning on them too much. At least when I am communicating with other sufferers, I know that they really "get it".

Anyway, I hope that some of you will find these resources helpful. Remember, there are support groups for almost any kind of disease or struggle. Reach out, don't give up, and don't give in. 

Peace

--Free

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Fatigue & Relief

So I have mostly finished getting set up here in my new town. The apartment is awesome, the neighbors are great, and I only wish I had more energy to get back to the book.

I have had my appointment with my new rheumatologist here. While he does not seem very familiar with sarcoidosis, he is a kind and attentive doctor who seems like he will be watching things carefully. The second time I saw him, I forgot to take my BP meds pre-appointment and ended up spending a few hours in the ER. (See, my other docs knew me well enough. If I forgot my meds, they made sure I took them right away and everything would settle down.) I guess I should be thankful that my new doc refuses to take chances. And I bet I won't ever, EVER forget to take my meds pre-appointment, no matter how early I have to be there.

This weekend is not the best. it would be awesome if I felt better, There is live music at the park that I can hear from my open window; the weather has cooled down to the right side of enjoyable; and I don't have my writing desk set up to do anything yet. I should be strolling down to the green to enjoy the music. Instead, I'm stuck inside, watching videos, reading, and blogging. I'm too drained to make the 2-block walk. Thankfully, I made it to the store earlier this morning before this fatigue sunk in. I'm pretty sure the problem is that I haven't had my regularly scheduled infusion. By the time I get it next week, I will be over 2 weeks behind. I never realized how much the infusions helped some of my symptoms.

I guess that, instead of complaining, I should be talking the positives. After all, even though I can't get to the park, I did make it outside for a while to enjoy the beautiful weather. And it really is a spectacular day out. Just a while ago, I went out and fed bread ends to the birds and squirrels! I'm still fascinated by the little creatures who are so friendly with us humans. Remember the friends I made while in the courtyard at my brother's apartment?




Speaking of peaceful, here is a shot of the very peaceful morning on Main:

That's from when I walked over to pick up some foodstuffs.  For a minute, I wondered if something was wrong, then I remembered. Sunday morning. It was so quiet that all I could hear was bird song. Did I mention that this is a "church" town? Sunday mornings are for worship and family. I think that there are about 4 churches in a 6-block radius of my building!

So, yeah, it sucks that I'm stuck inside on a pretty day but, on the other hand, I could be stuck inside and miserable. All in all, I realized how blessed I am. Hopefully, after the infusion I'll feel so much better.

Once I am feeling a bit more up to speed, I will be getting back to work on the book!

Peace
--Free

Struggling and Coping

This morning on Twitter, I caught up with someone I connected with long ago during my first days online. This is a smart, go-get-em kind of woman. It seems that she, like me, is going through some trials. I know that she, like me, is going to come through just fine. But, probably, for both of us - for anyone- it`s not knowing how strong you are before a struggle, or that you will be better afterwards, it's that whole period of 'getting through' it. The being in it. The whole truth of these periods of struggle - which always feel like a battle to hang on to the best of what you are - is that you have to go it alone. The only thing you have is your faith and your trust.

So, to my buddy from way back (you know who you are), I don't know what you're going through. I don`t know how you feel while  you`re getting through, but I know that you can make it through.

My current struggle? Fatigue from and exasperation with this damn sarc. Trying to focus through this haze that clouds my mind every time I attempt to write or pray or just think. I figure I'm getting a couple hours of energy each day (at the most) to spend time enjoying my family, keep up with the blog, and taking care of myself. The rest of the time, it`s a terrible effort to do anything. Sleeping doesn't help because I'm not tired. I'm not tired, I'm simply fatigued and fogged.

I need this on a t-shirt

When you get an odd disease, one that's not so recognized and understood in general, your doctors do all they can to fight the progression. You get medicine to keep you alive - and, in my case, to keep me from walking into walls. What you don`t get is lessons in how to cope with the damage that`s been done. Or how not to be so irritable that you begin to hate yourself.

They got a drug for brain fog?

No decent person would expect someone on crutches to run, a blind person to drive, or a mute person to "speak up". It's tough for people to know that I have a disease that comes with its own issues. I don't realize that I'm annoying because I might be asking you the same question now that I asked 10 minutes ago. If I get quiet and still in my body because that helps my mind get quiet and still then, yes, I might get edgy when you pierce that quiet and stillness with a lots of loud noise.

Stop. Please. Or at least PAUSE.

 

Because, while my disease is being treated, no one is teaching me how to cope. I am learning as I go and the going gets ugly. Having to concentrate so hard when I do anything - drive, clean, write, read, pay bills, make appointments- is tiring.

Before this disease, writing was my coping therapy. I wrote short stories and long stories and even novels and, whether they were never going to be read by another person, they were my therapy. Now I can`t even keep grasp of one thought long enough to weave it to another. Before, if I wasn't writing, I was reading. I still read, but listening to audio books is better because, somehow, hearing stays with me longer than reading. If I don`t get frustrated because the audio is more 'noise' than I can take sometimes.

I can deal with most of my symptoms, but this fatigue piled on top of it all is too much. Not being able to sleep well - or to feel rested when you do sleep - and not being able to find the energy to function when you are awake is just too much. I have been meaning to clean the bathroom for over a week now. I did spray cleaner on the shower walls yesterday. That's something. I rinse today. Maybe.

So. I am struggling, but that in itself is a positive. Struggle is action. Prayer is medicine. God is good. This struggle, this fatigue, this strain are just symptoms. They are not the whole of me. My main coping mechanism is one that can't be polluted: faith. I have faith that this, all of this, will pass.

Peace
--Free

P.S.: I promise that the whine session is now over. I'm going to try to get back to posting reviews asap. I have just finished a couple weeks of trying out and using 3 products. Just have to get my notes together. You now know how that will go!

Mama Ate Clay Dirt. I Ate Ice.

So... I read that poorly written, stereotype-pushing, trash of a paper, the UK Daily Mail. Yeah. I also watch the Real Housewives shows and tell myself I do it so that I know what kind of woman not to be. Whatever.

Anyway, I glanced at the DM a while ago and noticed this story about women who eat dirt. An image of my mother flashed through my memory. She was taking out a pan of clay dirt that she'd baked in the oven. I remembered how she'd almost gone through withdrawals when she was no longer able to get more of the stuff. My aunts used to mail it to her from Arkansas and Texas. When one of them contacted her to tell her there was no more "good, clean" dirt to be found, I think Mama went into a sort of mourning. Boy, she missed getting those packages in the mail.

(By the way, I wanted to write this post before I actually read the DM article so that everything I'm posting isn't contaminated (heh heh) by the news story.)

As crazy as it sounds that my mother ate dirt - and it was, I believe, more of a clay substance - I read somewhere that it's the minerals in the dirt that people crave. Mama ate that red dirt until she was about 50. I don't know when she started, but I know it's when she was young. In our family, we used to joke that a gravelly-looking birthmark on my little brother's temple was from all the dirt Mama ate. I guess she craved the dirt (or clay) most when she was pregnant. Sort of makes sense, when you think of minerals and cravings...

I love the part of Psalms that speaks of our bodies as being "wonderfully made." We are amazing creatures. Weird too.

For years I used to chew ice. I think that habit started when I was in my late teens. I drove people around me crazy with my ice-chewing. Any time I spent around my nieces and nephews, they complained about my crunch-crunch-crunching. Thinking back, I guess it was pretty annoying.

I chewed so much ice, I did damage to a couple of my back teeth. My habit was so bad at one point that I became an ice connoisseur. Ice from the fridge was too hard and chunky. Bagged ice was no good either because it was not uniform enough. The best ice was that from fountain drink machines: not too hard or soft and with just the right amount of crunch.

Weirdest of all about this habit of mine was that I was constantly cold. That didn't stop my cravings. It's as if the colder I got, the more I craved ice. And I shivered all that time, whether I was on an ice binge or not. Sometimes, I shivered so violently that could shake whatever chair or bed I was on. I did realize I was anemic and I did take iron pills. Since I was never sick otherwise, I never thought to mention it to a doctor.

Think the strangeness ends there? My mother had a distant cousin who craved cornstarch. I guess this is back when people bought the stuff in it's cakey-powdery form. Family lore is that this relative bought cornstarch as a part of her regular diet the way other people keep milk or butter or eggs around.

Guess what? Turns out that my habit (and my relative's) might point to signs of medical or nutritional conditions. 

Huh.

The interesting thing in my case is that, when I was hospitalized for my sarcoidosis, I happened to have one of my shivering fits when some of my doctors were present. I was too loopy from the sarc then to tell you now what they had to say about it, but I know that they considered it part of the symptoms I was exhibiting. The only thing I liked about being in the hospital was discovering they had a blanket warmer. Those wonderful nurses that I had practically wheeled that bad boy right up to my door. After my initial stabilizing treatments for sarc, my shivering (and ice cravings) went away. I can't even imagine chewing on ice now.

I just find it so interesting how our bodies try expressing diseases and issues. Usually, we only listen when our bodies are telling us about things like hunger, thirst and fatigue. I wish I had paid more attention to my cravings and habits years ago. Who knows - I might have been diagnosed before my sarcoidosis got so out of hand.

So, if you know someone who has odd craving, you might want to have them mention it the next time they see a doctor. My mother never did, probably because she was embarrassed or didn't find it important.

Now I'm going to go and read this article about the other women who eat dirt.

Peace
--Free

Milestones

We all have our lives marked in milestones. It starts with our parents tagging our achievements from tooth-cutting to first steps, first this and that.

The first real milestone I waited for was getting my period. Idiot. I lived in agony for two to three days a month for year afterward. Anyone around me lived in agony for a few more days each month. Then came the usual markings for most of us:

• 16th birthday
• First kiss (or serious crush)
• Driver's license & first car
• Graduating high school
• Standard college or the college of life
• Love and Marriage and sex (in whichever order)
• First house or other major investment

And on and on and on.

Then there are the other things that can count as being profound to our existence. For me, having death take away someone I loved showed me how real life can be. I sometimes think that only death can do that.

Do you remember the first time someone broke your heart? Or the first time you did some awful thing that you hope never comes to light?

I remember the first mistake I made that will haunt me for all the days I breathe.

All those milestones are from when I was younger. These days, I take some things more serious and other things don't touch my soul at all. 

The other day, my great-nephew grabbed my face and planted a big wet, snotty kiss under one eye. That was a moment that I never want to forget. Being cherished by a child feels different to me now that I am older.

The milestones that make me shake my head and think of my parents are the ones they warned me about: "Just wait til you have to squint to read anything." Or: "Help me get up from here, and remember that someone will have to help you one day."

I called my sister from Walmart the other day and had her laughing herself into a crying fit.

"Girl, I am in here looking for the Ben-Gay, and you won't believe how old all these people look!"

"You're old(pause)er."

"Not old like them. They look and act old."

Said the woman slinking down Aisle Three, trying to read the labels on jars of muscle ointments.

It probably makes me sound mentally unfit to say that I sometimes want to cry when I can't just spring right up from sitting cross-legged on the floor. Some months ago - too long ago - I had to tell a date to adjust his embrace because I was getting a crick in my neck. Gone are those acrobatic days of magic when I only had to worry about being respected afterwards. These days I'm lucky when I have to worry about it at all and, when I do, the biggest worry is that 911 might have to be called at some point. How embarrassing would that be?

But.

I am so very thankful to still be counting milestones. 

My sarcoid is back and acting the fool (if you can't tell by the poor composition of this post), and I am just sick to death of it. If I weren't at least getting my figure back from the months of prednisone, I might actually lose a little more of what's left of my mind.

But, again, I am so glad to still be here, bitching and complaining about it all. I'm not looking for the milestone that will be marked by a final church service.

Peace

--Free

Getting Better - Inside & Out

Getting back into shape is hard work. I have pounds to take off, body parts to tone up. It's like a job. I have been walking and stretching and bopping around while holding weirdly shaped objects. I've got ankle weights and a pedometer and this stretchy-band thing that could be used as a weapon - against myself... And that's just for the outside.

See?

Well, that Burlington gift cert went to good use!

But it's all working, even though I get a lot of my exercise just walking away from certain foods. When I went on the regular Saturday outing with my sister, she said that I looked very nice in a blouse that I haven't been able to get into for months. My jeans looked very un-mom-like, thank you very much, and I felt a lot like the old me. The best thing is, I'm not going to have a problem keeping up with all this. The walking is fun and calming. On the days I don't walk and do indoor workouts instead, I enjoy myself because music can make anything bearable.

Like I said, though, that's all just for the outer part of me. The tough part is going to be getting my insides into shape.

Since I gave up smoking and started eating somewhat better, I do feel... better.  I could be, and need to be, doing a lot better.

But I have come a long way...

From here...

I want to feel THIS happy again

...and here...

THIS healthy & THIS in shape

...to here... when the sarcoidosis hit me...

I never want to be HERE again (July 2011)

...and here... when the prednisone hit me.

That is almost a double chin. June 2012

I have started looking into ways that I can change up and make my diet more interesting and healthy. There is a difference between dieting and living life. I want to live life. I'm bad at diets. I've done the juicer thing, the no-white thing, the low-carb thing... What I want is to do my thing.

About six or seven years ago, I started drinking soy instead of milk. I made that a part of my life. Now I just need to find a way to replace some of the burritos and red meat with fish and vegetables. That won't be too hard or expensive since I do live in Alaska: land of salmon, halibut and hooligan. (I love hooligan!) Vegetables are wonderful here - in the summer. We make the record books for cabbage and such. Our weekend Farmer's Market gets written up. Yeah, it's great. In the summer. In the winter time, you have to take out a signature loan to buy tomatoes, or groceries in general. (That's because the cost of living is a bit higher here.)

I've been reading about the various things I can do to improve my whole self by what I put into my inner self. It's interesting. And confusing. Here's the latest:

Cashew butter vs peanut butter
Nut butters in general
Green juices
Juice cleanses
Almond milk vs soy milk vs ...

See? This crap gets complicated.

Here's my verdict: I need to just keep things simple. Some of this trendy stuff, I can deal with, but a lot of it is too much for me.

I can do cashew butter because I've lived without peanut butter for years. I only need an occasional hit of creamy any non-dairy butter. I like the idea of green juices, but juicers cost too much and so do the store-bought juices.

Guess I'll make do with fresh and canned veggies and an every-now-and-again green drink. And not the good-tasting fun stuff like Naked, but something serious and so-nasty-it's-gotta-be-good-for-you. I will keep eating all that dang salmon that my family stocks their freezers with. I will have to just mooch more hooligan since that's a little rarer in my circles.

I really miss the days when I could eat all the starch and butter and other things that probably glued my insides together and kept me in a size 4. I miss them, but I am realistic enough to appreciate being (I refuse to use the word "Mature") grown. I want to live long enough to make up for all the hell I raised when I was younger.

Peace
--Free

In the Homestretch

My 52nd birthday is coming up in about 4 months. I never thought I would be so looking forward to counting off another year, but I am.

My 49th birthday was spent with an abusive husband. I remember pretending I had a cold while I talked with family and friends calling to give their good wishes.

My 50th birthday was spent with people who love me, but this sarcoidosis came to visit a few days later. Sarc is not a nice guy. He likes to push your weakest buttons. The only guys who can beat that bastard up are the same ones who kind of punch you around while they are guarding you.

Birthday 51 saw me just glad to be alive. I found myself thanking God one day and cursing myself the next. I was a swollen, sobbing, neurotic bitchy mess of a woman. Fun times. If you don't believe me, ask my family, friends and doctors.

By the time I turn 52 (God willing), I am going to be a thankful, blessed and hopeful woman. If I keep up this exercising, I'm going to also be in the best shape I've been in since I was 45.

This right here is for my doctors who helped me get to this point.

Quit laughing at my "hat hair"

Because I couldn't get a great pic of what's on my phone, let me tell you: those are the stats from my last walk. Distance: 1.37 miles Time: 0:30:57 Pace: 22:39 And, oh yeah - I wore my ankle weights.

The map of the walk looks crazy because I just go up and down the little culdesac behind our apartment.

This might not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but when the Sarc hit me, I couldn't walk without supervision. I couldn't think straight enough to find my way to the corner of our street. God put in the hands of the best doctors ever. Look at me now. I keep this up, I might be able to wear some heels to my birthday dinner.

Anyway, this is my Thank You to God and to my doctors and to all the other folk who put up with me the past couple of years. I love each and every one of you and I will leave it at that. I get emotional too easily so I might break out into "Wind Beneath My Wings" or something!

Peace
--Free

NOTE: The app I used is Noom Cardio-Trainer

Good Days, Bad Days

I'm glad that today is turning out to be a good day for me because yesterday was just hellish. First off, I woke up more tired than when I went to sleep because the T. Rex that lives upstairs apparently thinks that pacing will relieve his insomnia. His lead-foot travelling and grunting all night is not really a problem. I sleep so rarely these days, my body has adjusted so that I can sort of function on a forty minute nod-off. The problem is, I was too tired and uninspired to use lights or a mirror to dress this morning. That wouldn't have been much of a problem if I hadn't had an appointment for an infusion.

Second, my appointment that started out fine, ended up on a sour note. As soon as I get to the doctors' office and the nurse gets me all set up, I crash into a dreamless coma. It probably doesn't help that they administer Benadryl prior to infusion. I don't even notice the first three vitals checks by the nurse (including the thermometer going into my mouth - and ain't it scary that I slept through that?), but near the end of the treatment, I started waking up.

Now, I rarely doze off in public. For one thing, I was traumatized earlier in life by watching my Mama nod off in church one time during a marathon sermon. (We were Pentecostal, so all the sermons were as long as "Driving Miss Daisy".) The nodding off was fine, but when she woke herself up snoring... Yeah. The other thing I hate about people seeing me sleep is that, while I want to believe I look like this -

I worry that I look like something like this -

I certainly didn't feel attractive after the treatment when I woke up, looked around and saw a gorgeous man standing not four feet away. Of course, I wear my lust meter on my sleeve, so I was crazily gaping at the poor guy. I probably looked a whole lot like a female version of the dude that stalks women leaving bars. You know the guy - he's dazed, confused, has two teeth and breath that killed the other 30, but he's sweet and wants you to know that, "You so purty. Really, really purty."

This man was just so gorgeous, really, really gorgeous.

Of course, I tried to rescue myself by feigning indifference. Kind of hard to do when my heartbeat's banging through my shirt like Pepe Le Pew's when he's in heat... I felt awful when I saw that Gorgeous Guy was with a woman who was wearing a wedding ring. I think they were visiting patients, but I didn't get a chance to ask the nurse. The nurse is a super sweet woman, but I was kind of annoyed that she snickered at my embarrassment!

Anyway. That's how yesterday started. It only got a little better when I swung by to see Baby D.J. The little brat is cutting teeth and didn't seem too thrilled to see me. Even worse, I won't see him for seven days because he and his parents left for their cruise last night. I went to sleep feeling sad and missing that little booger.

This is for my little loudmouthed D.J. It's one of his favorite songs for us to dance to. And I think he likes we do the whole

"IT STARTED WITH A WHIS-PER-RRR!!!!"

Peace
--Free

P.S.: Today is good. It's Day 19 without the cigarettes. The sun was shining most of the morning, and I'm destroying this bedroom and re-arranging everything.

Randomness & Followups.

• I like getting feedback on posts. Most of the time, I get emails from women, but every now and then I hear from the guys. A male G-Plusser let me know that my post the other day was not what he'd expected from reading the opening. He thought the post was going to be about men being complex. Funny enough, a friend of mine now thinks there should be a post about men being complex. (Well, hell, people, men are way beyond MY understanding. If I ever feel brave enough, I will attempt to write something about the men I know. Maybe.)
• A huge Thank You to my friend, L, who returned that part of my mind I lost when left a huge gap in my recent "The Sexiest" post. How in the hell did I leave off the hot/talented/smart John Cusack? ~sigh~ I plead amnesia due to cold meds. Or brain freeze. Seriously. It's been so cold here that animals are pissing icicles.
• My smoking (or trying not to) is going well again. The Chantix is working. I guess. For about a week, I was so nauseous and bitchy I thought I was either having a miraculous pregnancy or Sarc was attacking from another front. My doc had me pause the Chantix for a couple days to see if that was the problem. Yep. Apparently, nausea is a temporary side effect. (The bitchiness belongs to me. Cold weather just pisses me off.)
• In family news, we are really blessed. My niece is here from N.C. I didn't realize how much I missed that little heffa until I got a call from my sister early this morning, teasing me. "Guess who just got here?" (It's 2:30 in the morning, so I'm thinking... fire department? Police?) Then I hear the voice of the only person who can be louder than me, screaming, "Tru-deeeeee!!!" It's my girl, Gabs! Wow. Yeah, I missed this chick. Going over in a bit to hang out so she and I can act silly.
• Other blessing: Another niece is here with hubby and kids. Baby D.J. is getting to know some more of his cousins. It's so cute. Tai (the girl) is six and in love with baby dolls and D.J. looks just like a doll to her. Her little brother, Damien, is three and very shy. He used to be Tai's only "baby doll" so I think he's a little jealous of D.J. I just sit and watch the three of them. So cute it makes my teeth ache.
• All the latest doctor checkups have been good. I'm still losing these predni-pounds. Every week I go through my clothes to see what fits again. I just about had an orgasm yesterday when I  managed to get into a favorite pair of jeans. I'm telling you, the most random shit just makes my day. (Of course, I have another appointment coming up, so I will hold off doing the hallelujah dances for now.)
• For the really random news: I cut my hair again. Pretty soon, I'm going to look like the black Sinead O'Connor circa her Prince days. My problem is laziness. And vanity. These two personality traits (?) really are affecting my life. Just like I find it easy to (try) quitting cigarettes because smoking is an aging factor, I find it no problem at all to cut my hair because of the time it saves me in the morning. Any woman with hair on her head will understand (especially most black women): hair is a chore. I loved my longer hair, but the time and money I spent was ridiculous. The drying time, curling or straightening or gelling... Now, I wash, condition and go. There's no "bed-head" situation I can't handle. I can style this 'do with my fingers in the car going through the drive-in at Java-Joe's. It's such freedom. One of my nephews rode all the way to the top of my Gift list the other day when he complimented my short hair. Hell, if I want long hair, I can buy a wig or a weave.
• Finally, for the music today, it must be the Cancerian in me, but I swung from bitchy last night to mellow this morning. Listening to: 

Um, okay. That's it for today. I got off my lazy ass and posted (no matter how lame the post). Now I am going to head over to congregate with the small village that is my family. 

Peace

--Free

P.S.: 

Wow. This freaking sexy without even trying.

Remember kids: Smart is the real sexy.

Chew On This

(Yeah, corny post title, I know, but...)

As you know, I am trying to eat healthier - doing a lot of fresh veggies (juiced & steamed), fruits and good grains. I've even cut out a lot of the meat I have a hot romance with. (I had a dirty dream about Lucky Wishbone's burger & fries last night.)

The reason for my dietary change is that I am not in the best of medical health right now. This Sarcoidosis and the meds are kicking my ass. Also I am vain. Seriously. I don't like having this skimpy hair, fat ass and inability to strut my stuff. Hard to strut in "sensible shoes" - or in any shoes when you're liable to walk into a wall. So what is a chick to do?

Number one, I am trying to follow doc's orders. No smoking (ohmigoodness, that is a pain in my butt), exercising (yeah, yeah, yeah) and, on my own initiative, the food thing. Plus, after the whole Live Below the Line challenge, I feel differently about cramming bogus calories into my mouth. Somehow, it's harder (not impossible, mind you) to enjoy a burger and fries when you realize there are babies who aren't getting good nutrition let alone some crap like greasy beef and potatoes fried in fat. (I am almost petty-pissed that I am so aware.)

Another motivator is that I feel like what I eat is the one thing I can be so totally in charge of. (To a limit. I mean, I'm not eating caviar with my whole grain toast points.) For about the same amount of money that I was spending on my meats and pre-packaged foods - not to mention my sneak visits to Burger King - I can pick up enough greens and rainbow foods to keep me full and feeling better. See, I've made things interesting by thinking in color.  (Screw some Skittles, I got my own thing going on.)  Check out my box of Crayons:

The "Greens" are collards, kale, spinach, peas, cabbage and broccoli. The "Rainbows" are the bananas, apples, oranges, carrots and my beloved mangoes. I'm even starting to get a groove for bell peppers that are not surrounded by ground beef and pasta. (Okay, I still miss "Mama's Texas Spaghetti recipe!) Next week I'm going to experiment with "Earth Tones" of mushrooms and beans. Someone told me about a killer burger made completely with mushrooms and seasonings. And I haven't forgotten my background beige/taupe with the tofu for fun.  Salt is a struggle so I try to be moderate. I love olive oil so that's no biggie.

I can do this. I just have to keep myself interested. I have a strange mind, but I have learned how to play with things to keep myself on track. Some folks claim a method to their madness, I have a plan for my peculiarities. Yes, indeed.

I have to remind myself that there are some hefty-assed vegetarians out there. I know a couple. So, I am watching the fruit - because of the sugar and other, um, reasons. Last night I went to bed full of some peaches and nectarines that my nephew bought me and I woke up a few hours later breaking Jesse Owens' track record to get to the bathroom. Learned something about that fruit: Mess around and eat the wrong thing and you better not take a deep nap. Be in deep shit in a very literal way. (I do put out too much info at times, don't I? Sorry.)

Anyway, I stumbled across an interesting video over on Hulu tonight while I was folding clothes. Really I  only queued it because the title caught my eye and folding clothes bores the snot out of me, but I'm glad I caught the vid. It made me feel like I am doing a good thing for my health. In case you want to check it out, here is the link & it's called "Chow Down."

Enjoy.

Peace
--Free

Defined the Problem

 (Just found this blog, which I want to point out has great links. Thanks to Sarcoidosis Experience)


While I was texting a friend, I hit on what the problem is with the medication I am on for this sarcoidosis. All this time that I have been trying to desparately make everyone understand, I couldn't grasp the right word. I've got it: Apathy. (And because this blog is really my only journal of this nightmare I am going through, I wanted to get this down here before I lose any sense of needing to write it.)

This friend of mine - who has been so good to me while I've been sick - texted to invite me to get out of the house this weekend. When I finally got the energy to answer her back, all I could do was be honest and say that I can't do anything until I get over this medically induced apathy.

What a relief to be able to find the word. I've been struggling to put meaning to the way I've been feeling from the moment I started on the prednisone. When I look up references to side effects, I'm not surprised to see that apathy, depression, mood changes - all of that comes up.

This is sheer hell, you guys. When you know what your natural personality is but you can't reach it... I don't know what it is to feel like laughing, talking, being or doing. And I know it's the medicine - which I know I have to keep taking for at least another few weeks.

When I do finish with this stuff, I am going to be so thankful for every emotion, good or bad. Right now, all I can do is be awake or be asleep. My one sort of joy is to sit in the sun and listen to the sounds of the neighborhood. I can't work or really function. I am just in a state of healing limbo.

If you want to even try to know what I feel like, take just one minute and try to make yourself feel numb and empty. Like your whole being is on novacaine. That's what I feel like. I can't find anything to distract myself from the nothingness. I can't write (which is a whole other kind of hell for me) or even lose myself in my imagination.

So, yeah - apathy has got to be the right word. Complete and total.

Peace
--Free