Thank You, Jesus!

After I watched this video today, I just had to take a moment and stop to thank my Lord Jesus. I had to ask His forgiveness for my recent self-pity and despair. I asked God to give me in MY circumstances just a little bit of the faithfulness and joy that this beautiful man has in HIS circumstances.

Voices From Slavery

I do love YouTube. As a writer/researcher, I have found more information YT than almost anywhere else.

This video is interesting (wish I'd taken Fountain's advice!):





Peace
--Free

Spelman's Oral History Project

On this extrordinarily notable day of history, I wanted to mention something that's being done to record history.

Check this out:




Peace
--Free

Very Interesting Film...

I watched the most interesting film tonight: The Lazarus Phenomenon. It starts out with information about Near Death Experiences, then goes into the story of a Nigerian man who was dead for three days before coming back to life again. There is also an account of another man's experience, but the first story was the most compelling to me.

I found the film on more than one site - some loading and playing better than others - and here is the link to the Google video version. The best-playing one is found here as Part 1 and Part 2 - the only problem being the small screen size making it difficult to read captions clarifying what the Nigerian speakers are saying.

I came across the film while looking for Christian films to view online. I have seen a lot of the more common Christian videos so I was surprised that I had never heard of the Lazarus film. It's a pretty amazing story & the main effect that it had on me personally was to make me realize that I need to be more forgiving of people who have hurt or offended me. You will understand this when you watch the film for yourself.

In case you are interested in seeing more Christian films, TBN has some on their site that you can watch and/or download. Also, check out Premier TV - "Christian TV On Demand." Let me know if you find others online.

Peace
--Free

The End Is...Close???

I was raised inthe "Holiness" church (yes, people called us "Holy Rollers!"). I believe that the Holy Bible is the Word of God. And right now, I'm beginning to believe that we are living in the last days and times spoken of in the Bible.

The Bible talks about "wars and rumors of wars," and the newspapers talk of wars and rumors of wars. The Bible talks of people being "without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good," and we can look at the world around us and see the evidence more and more everyday. In Matthew, we learn that one of the signs of the nearing endtimes will be famines - just like in all of history, but more so. We read in the news about millions of starving people. We are told that knowledge will increase. Everyday, the scientists and wizards of business and technology come out with something new. As soon as one technology comes out, somehow it is being improved. The Bible tells us that the gospel will be spread all over the world. I don't even have to pull out my printed Bible to look up passages - I just pull up chapters and verses right on my PC.

*** and, yes, it's interesting that the famine link I used is from a "globalization" site***

I also believe that Israel plays a huge part of prophecy. What's going on in the Middle East right now? Well, what isn't going on there?  Israel is a part of God's heart and there are people who hate the nation.

So. I am sitting here, observing the turmoil in society, politics, the weather... And I'm thinking of something my mother used to say: "God is trying to talk to us." We're not listening.

And the biggest sign of all (at least, in the way I've always thought of it)? When people start cryinng out, "Peace" when there will be no peace.

I do believe we are living in the "end times" and I just pray for all of us.

Peace
--Free

Alaska Living Today

Well, I may not want to be here after over 30 years, but I can't say life in Anchorage is boring. (Okay, yes, I CAN say that because it often is, but...)

Woke up this morning to the news that schools are closed because of the icy roads. That almost NEVER happens here. It is Alaska, after all - all we've got for most of the year is icy roads. So you know it has to be a nice mess for things to shut down.

We had days and days and days of below zero temps. When it warmed up yesterday to around 18 degrees, we damn near celebrated with patio parties... Then at some point, the temps shot up to the high 20's. THEN... freezing rain.

So, yeah, I guess the roads are bound to be a little bit icy. I'm hearing news updates about certain roads being shut completely down. One of my nieces - who has problems with her nerves when driving on SNOW - is talking about taking a taxi to work. My sister is missing dialysis this morning because she can't transfer from her wheelchair to the SUV and we don't want to risk getting in a wreck in the car we use. Such a mess.

I hate this damn place.

And even better (or worse), for the lucky souls who would be eligible for those famous Permanent Fund Dividends - well, turns out that the Fund is bleeding money. Rumors yesterday were that there may be no payout to the citizens this year. Doesn't bother me. I screwed up my eligibility by moving. Now, I was bothered as hell about this when those high-paying checks came out last time. I was so depressed then that I couldn't bear going into WalMart and Costco, watching people throwing that money around when I could have been paying off bills with it!

So, life in Alaska today...sucks. Sucks, blows chunks, stinks like a sulfur wind, and just plain makes me bitter. Couldn't even write a decent post!

Peace
--Free

Silly Love Songs

"You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. But I look around me and I see it isn't so. Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs. And what's wrong with that? I'd like to know, cause here I go again..."

Oh, how I love Paul McCartney. You knew the man had a special love with Linda - how else could he have written such wonderful lyrics?

Anyway, like Mr. McCartney says, here I go again. I've got a whole playlist of love songs (well, mostly) on my songza:

In The Deep - Bird York
Everything Is Everything - Lauryn Hill
Before I Let Go - Frankie Beverly & Maze
No One Else On Earth - Wynona Judd
She's His Only Need - Wynona Judd
Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones
God Only Knows - Beach Boys
Wait for Me - Hall & Oates
Sarah Smile - Hall & Oates
Fire & Rain - James Taylor
Turn Your Lights Down Low - Lauryn Hill
It's You That I Need - Enchantment
Chasing Pavements - Adele
So Into You - Fabolous & Tamia
I Love You Too Much - Frankie & Maze
Do You Wanna Dance - Bette Midler

So, while I'm listening to this music, the thought hit me that the performers are all such different people, but they all have the heart in common. I hope they all end up in heaven with me so that I can get a concert!

In case you're interested (or just nosy!), I think this link will let you subscribe to my songza feed.

Peace
--Free

Happy Birthday, Mom!

I can't believe it's been 8 years since you went Home. I still miss you so much everyday.

You've got new great-grandchildren - and another one on the way! Amanda got married and had the cutest kid ever (she's bad as year-old milk, but you would adore her) and has another one due in about 7 months.

Ant's little boy is a stone mess. Just like seeing Ant as a kid all over again. And his big sis is so shy and quiet that I just know you'd be telling her to "quit acting like somebody's going to bite!"

Tierra is about to graduate high school and will be going on to college (kid's got almost a 4.0 gpa!) - and, just think of the time we didn't think she would make it because of her shaky start at birth...

JP and Gab are doing well. They have careers and plans that you would be so proud of. Like all the kids here, they talk about their "Grammy" all the time. They remember the love and the "whippings" and the wisdom.

Gwennie is still so much YOUR Gwennie. Sassy, spunky thing. Because of you, Mom, your grandkids got such a good start in common sense that it will last them a lifetime.

Even the "babies" remember you. The infants you held on your lap... they all talk about their Grammy.

My friend was going through some problems the other day & as I talked to her, I could hear your words coming out of my mouth. She remembers and misses you too. We all do, Mom.

There have been days when I didn't think I was going to make it through & I had to hold on to all the things you taught me about going through trials and tribulations. I had to remember that you didn't have it easy, but that you always made the best out of any situation. I had to remember that you always found a reason to praise God and keep on keeping on.

So, we're all hanging in there. Maybe not all living the way you'd like, but we are still here. Somehow, no matter how often or how badly we mess up, things that you taught us bring us back. I am always so thankful to be a person who can say, "My Mama raised me right!" :-)

We just all miss you & love you so much. Happy birthday, Mom.

Peace
--Free

Most Interesting Blog In A Long Time

Just a quickie post right now to tell you about a curiously interesting blog called Oddee.com

Man, I spents TOO much time on that site last night! My fave post was on this guy who does "realistic" paintings. The one featured is of a woman and, let me tell ya - it looks JUST LIKE a photo. Unbelievable.

Anyway, go on and check it out. I've already added it to my Bookmarks, a toolbar folder, Google Faves, etc...

Peace
--Free

Ridiculous Things

German mogul kills self over financial meltdown

After what I have been through in life, I can certainly understand feeling overwhelmed and depressed. Depaired even. But to commit suicide because you went from being a billionaire...? What? You would only be middle class now? Or just have to manage your money a lot more tightly? 

Wow - talk about one man's problems being another's dream...

He used his wealth, estimated by Forbes last year to be $9.2 billion, to take stakes in HeidelbergCement and Ratiopharm. HeidelbergCement shares were down 5.8 percent at euro31.39 ($43.18) in Frankfurt trading after news broke of Merckle's death.

I'm pretty sure that a person who really loved their loved ones would have found a way to count their blessings instead of staring at their debts. I mean, if you MADE that kind of money LAST YEAR, you probably still own enough of something to live on for the rest of your life, right? Maybe not in the splendor of a billionaire, but you'd be eating and sheltered and clothed...

Ah, so...I just don't get it. 

Peace                                                                                                                                              --Free

 

 

You Never Know

My mother used to have a saying: "You just never know what people are going through." She'd usually say that after someone commented about someone else acting strange or different than normal.

Let me tell you something: that saying is so true. You just never know what people are going through.

I feel lately as if the weight on my mind and my soul are so heavy that it's almost hard to breathe. I literally sometimes have to concentrate on breathing and moving slow because I just feel like I am about to break. Everything is just too much.

I know that when I get through all this, I'm going to be stronger. I'll be able to understand someone else's burdens better that I could have before.

Right now, I just crave normalcy. A companion and a routine. Soul comfort. I know that as long as I live, there are going to be regular stresses and problems, but I can't take anymore of these bombshell types of problems. My situation feels almost apocalyptic. I keep waiting for someone to tell me that the end is near.

Here's a thought: I'm not the first person to go through a lot of trials and tribulations. I'm not the first or only person right now to be sitting and asking God "Why?" But I just never understood before that it could all happen to me.

For now, I'm just concentrating on not breaking. I literally pray to God to send someone to rescue me, comfort me, tell me it's going to be all right.

So, everybody out there, be praying for me. I need a miracle or two! I need all of the positive thoughts and prayers you can send out on my behalf.

Peace
--Free

Blessings

The other day I was grousing about negative people in my life. Waste of time, waste of energy.

I want to talk about the people who have been a blessing in my life:

There is a really good girlfriend/sister (you know what I mean - more of a sister than just a friend) who has been there for me when I felt like my whole world was crashing down. When I was too embarrassed to go to family or didn't want to burden them during a bad period in their lives, this woman stepped up in the biggest way. She listened to me cry without faking her concern. She listened to me recount what a fool I had been without judging me. She told me what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. She has sat up through the night with me when I thought I was going to lose my mind. If that doesn't tell you something, then this will (and only people who know cold weather will really get this!): The other day/night, I was having a bad time of it. I called up just to chat with my friend "S" because usually that makes me feel better. This time, tho, when she answered the phone, I fell apart. I mean, I couldn't form a coherent sentence. Now. On this particular evening, it was about -16 (that's some true cold weather - even for here), the roads were icy, party people were hitting the streets and clowning so that sane folks wouldn't want to be on the same roads with them. "S" heard my voice on the phone and said only 2 things: "Where are you?" and "I'm coming over right now." She came. She came and bundled me up and took me to her house (which is more isolated and quiet & we all know people about to lose it need a little quiet!). She didn't ask questions and we didn't even really talk about my problems right then. She watched television and fixed coffee and pulled out blankets for me. We just sat together. And I survived another bad episode of the my-life-is-falling-apart blues.

There is my niece and her husband. These guys know what they have been for me. They have offered open hearts, home and souls to me. They have literally rescued me from a really bad situation. Without a question, without a sideways look, without boundaries. All I can say is that I love them and I hope they know that. (To all the parents out there who complain about their kids: all we ever had to give ours was love and a good ass-whipping when they needed it. Apparently that was enough to raise them to be selfless and compassionate. Buying your kids cellphones and BMWs won't buy their love.)

There is my sister - who is just quiet and calm and way saner than I will ever be under worse circumstances than I will probably ever survive. She is the love-glue around here.

Then there is a friend that I have never even met in person. "D" will know I'm talking about him. He has been funny and kind and sweet in such a warm and non-pushy way. There are not many men who know how to be  woman's friend. Thanks, D. If I am EVER single, I pray God some woman has not snapped your behind up!

So, instead of focusing on negative people, I am just thanking God tonight for the few and the wonderful. May He give them peace and return to them for me their kindness in overflowing.

Peace
--Free

New Year New Me

Oh, what a year it's been! Not a good year, but that's okay. I have lived and learned and survived.

2009 is going to be a year of "come back" for me.

I am going to get on my feet financially (despite being ripped off by a family member)
I am going to date again (with or without my husband)
I am going to finish a book
I am going to end up living in the place I fell in love with
I am going to be going to writers' conferences and get-togethers
I might even host a writers group

By this time next year, I will be (God willing to let me be here) decorating a home and going for regular pedicures and manicures.

I may not be living high on the hog, but I will be living life.
If everything really works out, I will be in a good, stable relationship with a man who values me.

And, most of all, I will be able to look back and say to God with thanks: "Look Where You Brought Me From."

Everyone stay safe and blessed and have a wonderful 2009!

Peace
--Free

Music. Lyrics.

I happened across a song that I've loved from the first time I heard it. It's a love song, but I heard it way before I had anybody to love on my mind. The song is "I Wanna Grow Old With You" by Westlife.

So, I'm listening to this song when I am feeling anything but some damn love... and I flashed onto a conversation that I had with someone who I am very close to. This female and I were grousing about our husbands and it dawned on us that if we could blend our two men into one, we'd have pretty much the perfect mate for each of us.

My man tends to be more affectionate than her man, but her man is a way better financial provider than mine. She doesn't get enough attention from her man & I get almost too much (often the jealous kind). Hers doesn't know how to be social enough for her & mine is social when he wants to be and a jack ass when he doesn't want to be. Hers is addicted to video games and mine to alcohol. And when I say addicted & you hear "games" and think it can't be that bad - think again. I'm talking come home from work, change clothes and hook into the games and stay there until time to go to bed. Ev-er-y day. Mine is an alcoholic & you probably know what a pain in the ass that is.

So. this other female and I were wondering what has happened to all the really good men. Men who know how to treat and appreciate a good woman. Have they been run off by the bad women out there? Have they gotten spoiled by social changes? Are they all dead? I mean, damn.

Anyway, after my little hissy fit (and someone out there knows why THAT phrase came to my mind today), I tried to tell myself that these are the changes anyone goes through in a marriage. I tried listening to Sade's "By Your Side" to work up some stand-by-your-man kind of feeling. Sh*t, all I came away with is: I HAVE been standing by this man. Lots of us have been standing by some men and women who need to start deserving all our love and patience.

Yeah, I'm through ranting for now, but wait 'til tomorrow when I tell you about a falling out I'm having with a sorry-assed member of the family...

Peace
--Free

Free Entertainment

I have my little tricks for keeping sane - Lord knows, you all have had to hear so much about that here lately...

Movies have never been my big thing. I never have liked going out to stand in a ticket line to sit in a dark, crowded (usually dirty) place with a bunch of strangers. At the movies, you can't hit a Pause button, you can't (usually) get seat-side service on food, you can really stretch out and get comfortable, you can't (without repercussions) tell the loud-mouth nearby to "Hush!" So. I have never enjoyed the movie-going experience. Besides, I like too many things that don't play in most theaters: Agatha Christie mystery shows, Alfred Hitchcock, the Twilight Zone - all that kind of stuff.

Enter the beautiful World Wide Web. At my fingertips, at my leisure, in the comfort of wherever I am, and with myself in almost total control, I have entertainment. Movies, music, gossip, news, etc. I used ot subscribe to the old Yahoo Music Engine (then Jukebox), but I let it lapse only to learn recently that YME/B is no more. It's all gone to Rhapsody. (I downloaded the Rhapsody program as non-paying, just to check it out & the dang thing is so confusing, right now I can't see PAYING to be that puzzled over how to use the service...)

ANYway... I told you guys already how I discovered some of the old shows I love. I have been on an overload of Hitchcock shows and Dick Van Dyke, Andy Griffith, etc. The only thing I haven't been able to find much of are 2 of my faves: Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot. *sniff*

The whole point to this post is that since I first started talking about watching movies and television online, I have had friends and strangers sending me all kinds of links. It's how I found Hulu.com. Now, I have someone letting me in on news about a site called The Old Time Radio Show Catalog.  The name says it all, but maybe not enough since the catalogue if pretty lengthy. The thing is other than a "daily download," you have to order the CDs.

I'm not sure how the person who contacted me actually did find me at the email address they used, but find me they did. And, as I promised, I visited their site & dug what I saw. And - now I'm sharing it with you. (BTW - the person contacting me did NOT ask for a plug. I might get a free CD, but I admire their coolness!)

While we are on the subject of diversions, I found some really good free card game downloads over at CNET.com

And here are some other cool places to visit (forgive me if I have repeated any of these links here or on BLinks - my state of mind these days is a little foggy and loose).

Hulu (for great tv shows to watch online)
Like Television (more tv online)
Chess Kids (don't fall over, but I'm trying to learn to play chess!)
Find Your Spot (take a long quiz & see where the site says you'd love to live...)
Free Tube (and it's back to online tv again!)

And if anyone can explain that dang Rhapsody to me (ya know, the "For Dummies" version), fire away.

Peace
--Free

Merry Christmas, All

I've been so depressing here lately in my posts, I wanted to lighten up a little and wish everyone a beautiful Christmas.

I've been looking at all my problems instead of my problems & I need to stop that.

So... I'm hoping that if any of you are dealing with some heartache or other unhappy thing in your life, that you will take a moment tonight to just thank God for the blessings - no matter how small they are. Your SMALL blessings are ones that others wish for:

If you have a mate that you love and can depend on (no matter what other problems there are) - be thankful

If you have your health - so many people don't. My sister lost both her legs; a friend of the family just lost a battle with kidney failure, and I read in the paper where a 19-year old girl was killed in a car wreck last night.

If you have a roof over your head - no matter how raggedy or run-down - it's there.

If you ate anything at all today.

if you have a television to watch, a radio to listen to, a computer to spend time on, or books to read - be thankful.

If you are doing your worrying as you drive back and forth on errands - you have a car.

If you had cried yourself to sleep in your bed at night - you have a bed.

If you have grumbled over having to cook when you are tired - you have appliances and food.

There are just so many blessings & sometimes they just happen to be wrapped up inside our problems and worries. Lord knows I've had SO many tears and disappointments lately - but I am still so very blessed.

Have a thankful Christmas. Have a smile. Have a moment of prayer. Have a heart for someone else who may be hurting.

Peace
--Free

Getting Through

I've made no secret of the fact that I'm "going through it," emotionally. One of the ways I've been dealing with a lot of my emotional pain is finding ways to distract myself when I get to feeling down. One of the distractions: watching old movies and listening to old radio shows online.

I'm about to post some links over on my other blog that might interest others who are into "distractions."

Also, I discovered this web site for online counseling/therapy. Now we can say that the Web has everything...

Peace
--Free

Glad Somebody Said It!

 

Chasing Pavements

I don't even have words for how this singer and this song connected with what's going on in my life right
now. I wish I could meet her just to tell her that "Chasing Pavements" is going to be my personal song to help me get through the process of moving on with my life.

Take a listen - and go out and buy this lady's CD. I haven't heard original soulful sounds like this in a long time.

Going Through It

Lord, Jesus, help me.

What a month I've had. Who am I kidding - what a year I've had!

I hate to get on my pity pot, but your girl here has been through more crap than the Lord should put on someone.

The latest: after 6 months of marriage, I'm just about ready for a d-i-v-o-r-c-e. For real. And, trust me, I've given it my all. I have put up with stuff that I never thought I would. I have stuck with this man through nothing but thin. At what point do you say to yourself "Enough" and make up your mind to move on? After he's lied over and over? After he's promised not to lie and still lied? After disappointment's too many to count???

One of the reasons I've hung in so long is that I want to believe in real love. I really want to believe that if you love a person enough and stand by them through bad times that they will grow stronger. Well, that has not been the case in my situation.

I fell in love with a man who doesn't have anything in terms of material wealth. He's not the most handsome man. He's not any of the things that most women would look for. But I love him. Why? Because I think he really does have a good heart. The problem: he's weak. Too weak to face anything negative and make it better. Too weak to stand up to life and get through.

I still love him, but I can't depend on him for the emotional support that people in a relationship should share. I have to always be the "strong" one. I have to be the one to handle the problems and hardships because he will just fall apart under any kind of pressure. Well, guess what? I'm tired of being the strong one. I want to be able to lean on someone sometimes. I want to be able to know that I've got a partner who can take some of the pressure off us. I want to be the "traditional" woman.

Whew! Okay, I got that off my chest. I feel a little bit guilty about ranting so publicly, but, hey, this is MY forum to do what I want.

Who knows - maybe he will buckle down and get his act together in a few days and we will have a chance, but my patience is running soooooo thin right now. If things don't get better soon, you all are going to be seeing another post soon where I talk about what it's like to get on with life after major let-down...

Peace
--Free