Friday, February 21, 2014

Don't Like and Do Love. A List.

The Don't Likes:
  • Automatic doors that hesitate so long that I almost run into them.
  • When I'm too stupid to realize the automatic door is 'slower' than I am.
  • Well-dressed people who ruin the look with a bad attitude. 
  • The mean thoughts I have about those people, like hoping they trip and fall while I'm watching. 
  • Parents who let their bad-assed kids loose on the public, and then act as if you were the one who advised them not to teach the little monsters how to behave.
  • Other shoppers who hog the aisles with their carts, then get pissed if you bump into it while trying to pass.
  • Shoppers who pretend to be deaf and blind when you are trying to pass them in an aisle.
  • Adults who never use the words/phrases "Thank you", "Excuse me", "Please", "Hello', "Sir" and "Ma'am".
  • Children who aren't being taught the above words/phrases.
  • Men who don't hold doors for women. 
  • People who find the above statement sexist or anti-feminist.
  • Drive-through coffee service when I can't just request cream to add for myself.
  • Weak coffee.
  • Coffee so strong that an entire bottle of creamer won't mellow it out.
  • Men who wait for a woman to make the first move.
  • Women who scared men out of making the first move.
  • People who think a man holding a door for a woman is a 'statement' of some kind.
  • Sloppy kisses. Unless it's from a dog.
  • Kissing a dog. Of any kind.
  • Not being able to cancel obligations at the last minute without appearing rude.
  • Cancelling obligations at the last minute.
  • Fake apologies.
  • Making fake apologies.
  • Morning breath so bad that hazard lights ought to start flashing with your first words.
  • Mistaking someone's long, thoughtful stare for flirting.
  • Flirting with someone you only thought was flirting with you.
  • Getting halfway through a manuscript before you decide to change a character's name.
  • Seeing descriptions on social media that could mean anything.
  • Not understanding exactly what it means to be a "brand specialist" or "life optimizer".
  • Having someone who lives in the shadows and stalks your online profile.
  • Wondering if that person is masturbating to your profile pic.
  • Trying to take a cute-but-not-whorish-looking profile pic.
  • Trying to look attractive, serious, intelligent, fun and un-posed in a profile pic.
  • Trying not to capture glass-cleaner streaks or runs when you take that bathroom mirror selfie.
  • Getting stuck in a check-out line behind a person who bought everything that needs a price-check or that they have a coupon for.
  • Not having one of the coupons for the same thing you have in your own basket.
  • Having hair that only behaves the way you want when you aren't going to be seen by one damn person you care about.
  • Not feeling well and not being able to explain why.
  • Drinking coffee on the patio and swallowing something that could have been a lump of powder cream or the baby spider you saw earlier.
  • Not being able to find that baby spider anywhere near where he was before.
  • Not being able to make yourself throw up the coffee.
  • Thinking about that nasty, unidentified lump every time you drink something for the next week.
  • When I visit my toddler nephew and he's so busy playing that he pays me no attention at all.
  • Having nothing to write with or on when you have an idea for a story.
  • Damn near hurting yourself to get to pen and paper and forgetting the idea you had.
  • When the idea you had really sucks snot once you get it written down.
  • Writing what is possibly the most eloquent thing ever to leak from your brain only to read it over and think, "Meh."
  • When you're so broke you can't pay attention.
  • Finding a great sale on a product you've been wanting at the time you're brokest.
  • Being broke. Period.
  • When you've re-arranged all your bills so that you have lights, food and gas, and then reading news about someone who bought diamond-encrusted nail polish.
  • Knowing that, if you could, you might also splurge on diamond-encrusted nail polish.
  • Spending forty bucks on something frivolous to cheer yourself out of the blues, then realizing you forgot a bill that's due.
  • Returning that frivolous thing so you can pay your bill.
  • Realizing that you don't really miss the frivolous thing you returned.
  • Buying a lipstick that looks so good  in the store only to realize, once you get home, that it makes you look a little scary.
  • Doing the same thing with an outfit, only the outfit makes you look scarier. Or desperate, or cheap, or, maybe, just sad.
  • Realizing you can't wear the same cute clothes at fifty-something that you did at twenty-something - or even at forty-something.
  • Realizing that maybe you should never have worn some of the clothes you did.
  • Wishing you had a "significant other" only because you want someone to have sex with, and you're too good for one-night stands.
  • Wanting to have sex and having no one to have it with.
  • Wondering if that last item was grammatically... what?
  • The term "significant other". 
  • Wondering if that term makes you the insignificant one.
  • Kissing with no sex.
The Loves:
  • Kissing with no sex.
  • Having really pleasant conversations with someone you'll probably never ever see again.
  • A whole day to do whatever you want.
  • Knowing what it is I want to do for a whole day.
  • Watching a comedian that makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts.
  • When I visit family and my toddler nephew runs screaming for the door the minute he hears my voice.
  • That big, nasty chocolate-and-slobber kiss I get on my ear from my nephew.
  • Having a really cute stranger flirt with me, even if I'm never going to see him again and there was no chance that, if I did, anything would come of the flirting.
  • Waking up too fast because I think it's a Monday when, really, it's Sunday and I can go right back to sleep.
  • Making a CD of that one really good song so I can play it on loop and dance like a maniac if I want to.
  • Dancing like a maniac to that one really good song.
  • That first perfect cup of coffee first thing in the morning.
  • Any cup of coffee first thing in the morning.
  • When I wake up with breath so fresh that I wish I had someone to roll over and kiss without throwing their body into shock.
  • That one special guy friend I can talk to about any and every thing.
  • That one special guy friend who makes me feel beautiful and isn't going to ever (say he wants to) sleep with me.
  • Reading a book so good that I adopt the characters as imaginary friends for the rest of my life.
  • Writers who write so well that I swear I can hear them telling the story inside my own head.
  • Falling in love with the characters I write about.
  • Remembering something about a loved one that makes me break into a big smile.
  • Knowing that there is a person out there who is going to meet me and make me fall as in love with them as they will be with me.
  • Hope.
  • Dreams.
  • Goals.
  • Beating the odds.
  • Being here.
  • Being me.
  • Having so many more "Loves" that I will have to continue this at another time.
Peace
--Free

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