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Friday, February 28, 2014

Game the Game

Forget that saying about not hating the player and hating the game. Life is not a game. Don't envy the rich and famous. Understand them.

  • They sit on toilets. Just like you do.
  • They probably feel a little more self-conscious than you do when they do sit on toilets.
  • They have picked their noses. Just like you have.
  • Imagine their horror vs yours if they ever get caught picking their noses.
  • They have morning breath. Just like you do.
  • Their morning breath might even be worse, if they actually do all the things they've been accused of.
  • They have bad breath sometimes. Just like you do.
  • Their bad breath might get reported on in a gossip rag. Horror!
  • They lie awake some nights, feeling lonely, worried, scared, unloved and unappreciated. Just like you do.
  • Most of them do what they do so that they don't feel that way. 
  • That very deep middle of the crack of their butt smells. Just like yours does.
  • You'd look better too, if you had the resources they had.
  • Some of them don't look much better than you do, even with all those resources.
  • You might look better.
  • In person, you probably do look better. You can't Photoshop 'in-person'.
  • They spend their days working on their image.
  • You spend your days working on your life.
  • They might have a bigger funeral, but you're both going to be dead.
  • They live under a lot of pressure. They choose to live under that pressure.

There are days I'd like to swap lives with some of these people. Then there are days when I think of all the ways I'm not like a "Real Housewife", porn star, celebrity socialite or anyone with more than 50,000 Twitter followers. I think about things like...
  • I don't wear false eyelashes and contoured eye makeup.
  • If I did, I wouldn't have it on by eight in the morning.
  • After I got it on, I'd need touch-ups about every three minutes.
  • To be honest, I can't wear more than a little eye shadow ever since I damn near put my eye out with a sharp eye-lining pencil.
  • I definitely can't wear a full-on face of foundation, the stroke my face thoughtfully without leaving a complete set of my fingerprints on every piece of white clothing I own.
  • My foundation doesn't come in shades like 'Peach" or "Barely Nude'. Mine come with names like 'Chocolate Kiss' and 'Color Me Cocoa'. 
  • Cameras following me around my house would catch at least one shot of a junk drawer, messy closet or magazines and books that don't look like I bought them that very day and never opened them.
  • My outfits are never so runway glam, photo-ready casual or carelessly chic.
  • I don't photograph well at just any moment.
  • I don't photograph well at all without the proper lighting, angle and a sponge to erase the shine on my face.
  • I look like I've worked out after I go to the gym.
  • Sometimes, I looked like I've died and been medically resuscitated after I've gone to the gym.
  • My hair would never be so well-maintained after tennis, jogging or romping around in bed.
  • My hair barely looks so well-maintained after I've spent twenty minutes maintaining it.
  • I don't like men trying to "run their fingers through my hair."
  • To be real about it, it would take something more than a man to run his fingers anything but over this natural hair.
  • He has to be special to me before I let him even touch my hair.
  • I'm a black woman. I don't let water near my hair unless I've got my entire styling kit and a good half hour to deal with the situation.
  • I am not ready to smile for the camera two minutes after eating spinach fritata, blackened ribs, or whatever food has any kind of coloring in it whatsoever.
  • Who takes those "intimate" selfies of celebrity couples snuggling in bed?
  • Who wants someone hanging around to take those selfies?
  • Why the hell is it so hard to do cat-eye makeup on over-20 eyes?
  • Am I the only one that likes to take a quick shower before having sex?
  • Why are there more unattractive actors than unattractive actresses?
  • Why don't I look as good chewing food, blowing my nose or waking up in the morning as characters on TV?
  • Why are so many real life things edited out of even those movies that are supposed to be about "real" people?
  • I don't have wild sex with strange men who just happened to come to my door in a fake workman's outfit offering to take care of my plumbing.
  • Okay, I lied, but it only happened once and I found out that my then husband is not very good at role-playing.
Yeah. So. My life may not be perfect, but that's what makes it a life.


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