Sunday, February 09, 2014

*Tongue* Patch Diet? Seriously?

As a woman who once weighed less than a gym bag full of wet tennis shoes, my self-esteem was bruised when I gained 30 pounds. Still, I could get away with wearing cute clothes right off the rack. I didn't have to look for anything in certain colors or patterns or the right kind of 'hang' to feel cute. Plus, I knew I was healthy and could easily take off the pounds the minute my busy life let me get from behind my work desk.

Fast forward to when I got sick. The only gym bag to compare my weight to was one Gulliver could have used in his travels. I shot right up 59 pounds faster than I could blink.

Thankfully, I'm better now and I'm able to exercise regularly. I keep music on at home so I can dance around to do chores. Recently, I started back with my 3 days a week at Planet Fitness, and summer is coming. I'm down 34 pounds and have 25 to go before I'm free of wearing long tops and those pants with 'slimming panels' at the belly. Hallelujah and thank Jesus.

Once I get those 25 pounds off my butt, I plan to shoot for another 25 or 30. I might not stay at my best weight, but I plan to visit it for a while. I'll most likely take rooms at the place next door to a loss of 25 or 30 - like maybe 20. I'd be happy to retire there, truth be told.

I've worked hard to drop this weight. All those foods and beverages I inhaled in my twenties and thirties (because it seemed I could just pee the calories away) are gone. Changing my eating habits wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I eat more for my skin and hair than I do for my nerves. I seem to have lost my cravings for all but an occasional taste of chips and dip or burger and fries. Thank you, menopause. (Coffee is never going out of my life. NEVER. Coffee with lots of cream and brown or raw sugar is my crack. I hope somebody invents vanilla-caramel creamer with lots of calorie-free fat. Yes, indeedy.)

The one thing I won't do to lose weight is participate in any kind of extreme dieting. I'm vain, not stupid. Fad diets mess with your skin, hair and general well-being. What's the use of having your ideal body size if that body is all effed up?

So, I come (finally, right?)  to this "Tongue Patch Diet" I've been hearing about.

Who in the happy hell would want the pain of having that thing sewn onto their tongue? Why not just superglue your lips around a block of wood and leave a straw-hole in the middle?

Maybe it's me. I admit that we all have different weaknesses, but I think that, at some point, self-motivation has to win over pain. If not, then how about the fact that this guy - you know, the guy who came up with this - doesn't even want to say the word 'healthy' in connection to the procedure?

Asked if sewing a foreign object into somebody's mouth was healthy, Chugay said, "Well, it's not unhealthy."

Thank you, sir, but no. Even if I could afford the two grand for the procedure, I have this thing where I only go to a doctor to have pain taken away. Wow.

I admit that losing weight is hard. I've been a single digit size and I've shopped in the curvy girls section. Fighting your cravings and desire for comfort is rough. I still have days where I have to talk myself into driving right past the Burger King half a mile up the road. I get a block away and start singing "Dixie": Look away, look away... Boy, there are times when I am glad to have some idiot tailgating my ass so I don't have time to hit the brakes and make that turn into the drive-through.

On the other hand, I have to wonder why, if someone is willing to go so far to lose weight - why not just change grocery-shopping habits? I could just think about the pain of a patch being sewn onto my tongue and steer myself away from the Twinkies. I mean, damn.

I'm not going to criticize too hard. For me, though, I will stick with self-motivation. The only pain there is from the occasional fall off the wagon.