Friday, February 28, 2014

Game the Game

Forget that saying about not hating the player and hating the game. Life is not a game. Don't envy the rich and famous. Understand them.

  • They sit on toilets. Just like you do.
  • They probably feel a little more self-conscious than you do when they do sit on toilets.
  • They have picked their noses. Just like you have.
  • Imagine their horror vs yours if they ever get caught picking their noses.
  • They have morning breath. Just like you do.
  • Their morning breath might even be worse, if they actually do all the things they've been accused of.
  • They have bad breath sometimes. Just like you do.
  • Their bad breath might get reported on in a gossip rag. Horror!
  • They lie awake some nights, feeling lonely, worried, scared, unloved and unappreciated. Just like you do.
  • Most of them do what they do so that they don't feel that way. 
  • That very deep middle of the crack of their butt smells. Just like yours does.
  • You'd look better too, if you had the resources they had.
  • Some of them don't look much better than you do, even with all those resources.
  • You might look better.
  • In person, you probably do look better. You can't Photoshop 'in-person'.
  • They spend their days working on their image.
  • You spend your days working on your life.
  • They might have a bigger funeral, but you're both going to be dead.
  • They live under a lot of pressure. They choose to live under that pressure.

There are days I'd like to swap lives with some of these people. Then there are days when I think of all the ways I'm not like a "Real Housewife", porn star, celebrity socialite or anyone with more than 50,000 Twitter followers. I think about things like...
  • I don't wear false eyelashes and contoured eye makeup.
  • If I did, I wouldn't have it on by eight in the morning.
  • After I got it on, I'd need touch-ups about every three minutes.
  • To be honest, I can't wear more than a little eye shadow ever since I damn near put my eye out with a sharp eye-lining pencil.
  • I definitely can't wear a full-on face of foundation, the stroke my face thoughtfully without leaving a complete set of my fingerprints on every piece of white clothing I own.
  • My foundation doesn't come in shades like 'Peach" or "Barely Nude'. Mine come with names like 'Chocolate Kiss' and 'Color Me Cocoa'. 
  • Cameras following me around my house would catch at least one shot of a junk drawer, messy closet or magazines and books that don't look like I bought them that very day and never opened them.
  • My outfits are never so runway glam, photo-ready casual or carelessly chic.
  • I don't photograph well at just any moment.
  • I don't photograph well at all without the proper lighting, angle and a sponge to erase the shine on my face.
  • I look like I've worked out after I go to the gym.
  • Sometimes, I looked like I've died and been medically resuscitated after I've gone to the gym.
  • My hair would never be so well-maintained after tennis, jogging or romping around in bed.
  • My hair barely looks so well-maintained after I've spent twenty minutes maintaining it.
  • I don't like men trying to "run their fingers through my hair."
  • To be real about it, it would take something more than a man to run his fingers anything but over this natural hair.
  • He has to be special to me before I let him even touch my hair.
  • I'm a black woman. I don't let water near my hair unless I've got my entire styling kit and a good half hour to deal with the situation.
  • I am not ready to smile for the camera two minutes after eating spinach fritata, blackened ribs, or whatever food has any kind of coloring in it whatsoever.
  • Who takes those "intimate" selfies of celebrity couples snuggling in bed?
  • Who wants someone hanging around to take those selfies?
  • Why the hell is it so hard to do cat-eye makeup on over-20 eyes?
  • Am I the only one that likes to take a quick shower before having sex?
  • Why are there more unattractive actors than unattractive actresses?
  • Why don't I look as good chewing food, blowing my nose or waking up in the morning as characters on TV?
  • Why are so many real life things edited out of even those movies that are supposed to be about "real" people?
  • I don't have wild sex with strange men who just happened to come to my door in a fake workman's outfit offering to take care of my plumbing.
  • Okay, I lied, but it only happened once and I found out that my then husband is not very good at role-playing.
Yeah. So. My life may not be perfect, but that's what makes it a life.


Kita Reloaded

The fam has new kitties. We said we weren't going to, but we got a brother and sister. I wasn't thrilled about falling in love with another cat after Kita died...

My beautiful Kita

Kita as a kitten

black cat is a boy, the other is a girl

Extreme cuteness

JP's hand looks GIANT next to them

7 weeks old. They love each other

"Let go of me!"

We are still trying to come up with names. I've thought of Kid and Play, Storm and Snow. One of my nieces wanted to call them Tom and Jerry. Dummy didn't know that only Tom is a cat! My Aussie friend got silly and thought of Kanga and Roo, which is actually kind of cute. We are too sad about our past cats to use their names, but I did think of Go (for Goku) and Ki(ta)...

For now, I think of this one as "Bonsai Kita".

Little honey
My toddler nephew is learning to leave them alone. He's discovered they have claws and they've discovered that, around DJ, claws might come in handy. The dogs, Wally and Shadow, think they are rats. I think they are just adorable.