Breaking Up's Not Hard to Do

A fave G-Plusser recently posted something that stirred some great comments on dating. What everyone seems to agree on is that we all need better maps to navigate the scene. Those maps aren't found on Google, apparently.

My hopes of ever finding decent companionship are two-faced. I long to be with someone (until I remember some of the ones I've been with). I think that we all sort of defeat ourselves when it comes to meeting people. We're so spoiled by the possibilities that we don't settle for realities.

Here are a few reasons why I have missed out on some potentially wonderful relationships:

• People I meet don't come air-brushed  to perfection. Some of them are not "tall enough"; they have bodies not like those seen on posters at the gym; their teeth don't sparkle like flourescent beams of light; and they don't all have a full head of beautiful hair.
• For some reason, I sometimes expect way more of potential partners than I expect of myself. It's not like I'm rolling in dough (or even rolling the hottest car) while I'm trying to estimate his net worth. It's a mystery to me why I want to find someone of genius intellect when I can hold a decent conversation with a well-read college freshman at best. (Hell, I was too lazy to worry about how I structured that last sentence!)
• If the guy is too handsome, I assume he's arrogant (or maybe a serial killer).
• If the guy is too nice, I wonder about his motives.
• I am an idiot (sometimes).

I could go on, but I was beginning to bore myself. Basically, I think that a lot of us don't realize that all the time we've wasted looking for Mr. (or Ms.) Perfect, is time we haven't spent with Mr. (or Ms.) Right.

Our Honda want to meet a Mercedes; our Old Navy wants to meet Ralph Lauren. 

When I'm out and about, sort of "scoping" for eye contact, I find myself looking for more than I have to offer. It's when I'm eating my dinner alone - or lying in a bed with that empty spot next to me - that I get very "real" in my desires. That's when I just want someone decent and good.

Peace

--Free

Self-Marketing, Soul-Marketing

Recently, I've been making more of an effort to do more product reviews here. (You guys seem to like those posts most.) I've been looking for sites that work to connect bloggers to brands - I'll do a separate post about all that later - and I had a thought (it happens!) I wanted to share.

The internet has encouraged a lot of people to market their skills and talents; their opinions and perspectives. This is a good thing. I like hearing about everything (from cooking to makeup to learning) from people I might never get a chance to meet in person. I sure hope to become one of the people that other people want to hear from.

I think of this online thing as "self-marketing". Some people are taking that idea waaaay too far. Think about it:

• Where we once thought of celebrities as a talented group, now we have people becoming "famous" overnight for no decent reason.
• Way back, oh say, five years ago, when I thought of Ebay and Craigslist, I thought "online garage sale". That was until I saw a story about someone putting their soul up for sale. (Their soul. Seriously.) The other day, I saw a story about a woman who was offering up her virginity for the highest bidder. Even worse, I think this has actually been going on for a minute and I'm just now hearing about it all...
• Used to be that the only way for a non-actor to get on TV was: a) get on a game show; b) get arrested and featured on the news; or c) do something really positive and awesome - like have quintuplets or something. These days, we have so many reality shows that even media professionals don't know who to call "actor" or "actress" anymore.

Yeah, so...

When I think of all the mess that has become "entertainment" these days, I wonder if people are really willing to just go ahead and market their souls. They've sure stamped a price on everything else.

I think I will just stick to trying to market whatever life skills I've picked up. I won't tell you my most intimate bedroom secrets for a price, but I will accept your free samples in return for a review. Yes, I will.

Keep watching this space.

Peace

--Free

The Good Old Days

It hurts my vanity a little to know I can even use the term "good old days", but ~sigh~ I'm approaching zzopfiftythreeuu...

When I posted about our love/hate relationship with technology, I started thinking about what I miss from days before my cell phone:

• That little vent-window on cars. You know the one that isn't in the newer cars?
• Ashtrays in cars. I don't even smoke anymore, but I just miss the ashtrays. Memories, maybe...
• Sitting curled up in bed, playing with the curly-cord on the phone while I talked to a boyfriend or best friend. For those of you who don't know phones not named Android or "i":

I think everything from the 1970's was this color!

• Wood-slat swings. Remember those? Your butt didn't scoop down like it does on the soft plastic seats.
• Getting a letter in the mail. Not a bill - or offer from Ed McMahon or Capital One - but a real letter. Addressed to you and written in ink or pencil. (Letters from Grandma with those loose dollar bills don't count because you probably still get those!)
• Hanging out in the yard with your friends, watching the glow of lightning bugs. 

Aww... so cute!

• Should I admit here that my friends and I used to tear off the "light" part and make temporary earrings or do this:

...til we used them as ornaments

• Telling secrets to your very best friend, mouth-to-ear, where no one else could hear, instead of texting her.
• When your "network" of friends were your in-real-life friends who lived down the street, or around the corner, or up the way.
• I kind of miss the cars with the single seat. You know the one where it was a group effort to slide it forward? (I couldn't find an image, but older folks will know what I'm talking about!)
• I miss going to gas stations where someone ran out to clean the windshield and pump the gas for you. (Except when I'm broke and don't want anyone to see I'm stopping at twelve dollars and eighty cents so that I don't overdraw my bank card! Of course, back in the day twelve dollars would satisfy a monthly gas budget.) By the way, here's an interesting article.

Don't know when this pic was taken, but... wow!

• I miss getting long-distance calls from the guy who loved me so much that he would pay for a long-distance international call. These days, some ladies are lucky to get a gift of virtual roses from inside a Facebook game.
• Waking up to the National Anthem playing on TV because you went to sleep just before those multi-colored bars came on. You know - back when TV went off air at night instead of playing informercials or really bad movies round the clock.
• Speaking of TV, I miss TV Guide. I think it's still around, but who needs it? We have that handy little on-screen guide that comes with subscription services. The guide with so many channels and recording or scheduling options that make me glad I don't own a TV set.

Whatta know. Still around. They have a webpage...

• I miss my old-fashioned childhood that my nieces and nephews won't get to have: going for hayrides at Christmas; licking the spoon after Mom mixed a cake from scratch; not talking back to the teacher because you didn't want a meeting with her "board of education" that hung from a strap behind her desk; not talking back to any adult because, well, they were an adult; and being excited to be grown so that you could drive, have your own phone and make your own rules. These days, kids are too "grownup" before they are really grown up.

I could go on and on. The older you get, the more memories you have! The thing is, I don't want to sound ungrateful for the fact that I'm still around. I just hope that when kids today get old enough to look back on their youth, they will have their own good memories.

Peace

--Free

Technology: Pro or Con?

I've been thinking about how technology affects every part of our lives. There's some new advancement almost every day it seems.  I feel like I can't keep up - or like tech can't keep up with me!

At the grocery store recently while I scanned a shelf of products, I had a weird moment. I found myself wishing that I could find the specific price and product I wanted by pressing CTRL-F.

Why isn't there a way to computerize the shopping experience in a really useful way? That's what I want to know.

Of course, we all think we've come a long way with technology we use in our everyday lives. I think that, If my grandmother could see the way she shop these days, she'd probably think we've come too far.

 I'm old enough to have one foot in the age of Atari and the other in the land of self-parking cars and I am still stumped by some of the features on my smartphone. I often wonder what this current world of our would look like through the eyes of Grandma.

My father's parents grew most of their own vegetables and got most of their meat from neighbors who had farms. Any food they purchased came from the little store down the street. During my childhood summer visits to the grandparents, Grandma would send me an my cousins to the store for things like bread or flour, which she got on credit. I didn't understand that she paid this bill off every month. It was like having a Capital One card with special privileges. Only local of at least two generations need apply! My own parents shopped at the Commissary or BX. I knew nothing of this local credit system.

I have a cousin who lives in San Francisco. A few years ago, he was telling me how he orders his groceries online for delivery to his doorstep. I felt like a hick the next time I had to drive to Walmart for vanilla soy and eggs.

On the other hand, I have an aunt in her eighties who almost performed an exorcism on my phone when she saw me using it to check my email. She never has gotten over losing her rotary dial desk phone to the push-button handset model. I find it both funny and interesting that she thinks technology effects on society is more negative than positive. Maybe it's not really funny.

According to my aunt, technology has ruined young people, eroded manners, and closed more doors than it's opened. I had the nerve to argue with her. I played PRO, she played CON:

• PRO: Cellphones and computers let parents keep in almost constant contact with their kids.
• CON: Contact by text and email can't replace face-to-face communication.
• PRO: We can work from anywhere (and in our PJs, if we want!).
• CON: We are never away from work.
• PRO: Computers have shrunk the world. We can meet and get to know people from across the globe.
• CON: A lot of shallow relationships can't replace a few solid relationships.
• PRO: We can take virtual tours of almost anywhere in this world.
• CON: And we forget to look at the beauty right outside our front door - or the mess right in our own homes.
• PRO: Technology has given more people more opportunities than ever before.
• CON: There are still a lot of people left out of those opportunities.
• PRO: We can keep up with news and information better than ever.
• CON: We get so much information that we care less about the details.
• PRO: Technology is improving medicine and business.
• CON: It's making us forget people and individual lives
• PRO: Cookies!
• CON: What?
• PRO: I just ordered cookies from Sri Lanka! I couldn't do that twenty years ago!
• CON: Uh huh. You know they say cellphones cause brain damage.

Okay, so my auntie might have a point.

Peace

--Free

Active Ignorance

• When you know just enough about something to be entertained by it without knowing how if might really affect you.
• Knowing that a person or thing is not good for you and keeping that person or thing in your life.
• Calling someone else bossy or preachy just so you don't have to think about what they are saying.
• Chasing the easiest and least important things in life because you're too stubborn, vain, lazy or weak-minded to discover something better.
• Believing in one side of a "coin" while never realizing there is a flip-side.
• Following other people just as ignorant and never giving that any serious thought.
• Thinking yourself so strong or smart or savvy that you never learn anything.
• Believing in your own invincibility.
• When you'd rather live in the shadows of a lie because the light of truth hurts your eyes.
• Living as if you will live forever.
• Living as if you are already dead.
• Never wanting to live up to anything that requires anything more of you than you want to give.
• When you're tough enough to "go hard" at everything but are too weak to stand up for anything.

Peace

--Free

Ignorance and Distraction

Does it ever occur to anyone else that we live in a society that works very hard at distracting us from anything important?

For the first time in a long time I found myself flipping through TV channels for hours. I myself don't own a TV set. I watch a few shows via Netflix and Hulu; I get my news and other information from certain online sites and podcasts. Yesterday, the weather was cool and gloomy while I did some emergency babysitting. The kid entertains himself with some of the three millions toys he has. I entertained myself with Satellite TV. It would have been horrible except for the observations I made.

When I ranted the other day about the different food shows, I didn't mention that I rarely watch them anymore. These days, the only televisions shows that I'm ashamed to admit watching are from Bravo's "Real Housewives" franchise. (I can't even believe I admitted that in print.)

Most of the very popular shows on television are made to numb our brains to any important social issues. Unless grown women acting like "tweens" is an important social issue.  We even like to be entertained while we catch up on news, which is why I we love Jon Stewart and Fox News. And why does it seem that there are so many people emulating the behavior of out-of-control celebrities? When's the last time you saw a kid voicing their goals to be the next Jon Stewart or Rachel Maddow? Being smart doesn't get as much attention as being drugged out or good at twerking.

When I was in my late twenties, my father gave me the book "Cultural Literacy" by E.D. Hirsch, Jr. My father was big on education and he believed that learning was a lifelong pursuit. I was young and very distracted by all things pretty, shiny, new and fun. I figured I'd made it out of high school and into a good job. My father figured I was a little bit ignorant in my complacency. He was right. Let me tell you something: ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is dangerous.

Not many years before he died, my father and I had one of our long and interesting talks. One of the things he told me then was that he wished ignorance was more embarrassing than it was. He said that when he was younger, it was an honor to receive as much education and knowledge as one could. He had to join the military to get his education. Outside the formal classrooms, he was always curious about the Why, How and What of almost everything.

I remember that my father was very strict about my siblings and I spent our free time. We rarely watched television because the TV set was hardly ever turned on. My parents watched the news and the late shows. I know that I watched shows like "The Brady Bunch" and I have memories of shows like "H.R. Pufnstuf". If I close my eyes now and try to remember the living rooms of our homes, I can't picture a TV set being powered on. I can promise you that the living room was the only place for TV sets we owned.

Since I've been "grown", there are lots of times when I've vaguely wondered about life without all the televisions, computers and cell phones in family homes. Apparently, I get amnesia about the years previous to the last twenty. If I gave myself just a good ten minutes to think about it, I could tell you about that life.

Not too many years ago, people had to really go out of their way to find an "escape" or distraction from important things. Now, we have to work hard just to escape all the distractions.

If I had real guts, I'd give myself some challenges throughout my life:

• Go for a week using my cellphone only for calls - no games; no messaging or emailing; no pretending to check my phone just to avoid making eye contact with other human beings.
• Going computer-free for a few days. Of course, I'd have to buy printed newspapers and books. I don't even want to think about this challenge if I have to be honest and classify my cellphone a "computer", which it is...
• No TV of any kind for a month. "No TV" would mean no Netflix or Hulu or whatever.
• To name and identify every major member of the current presidential administration. 
• Study up enough to be conversationally comfortable on the subjects of law, medicine and literature of the last 15 years. Watching "Matlock", "House", "Grey's Anatomy" wouldn't be allowed as study materials. (Did I just reference "Matlock"? ~head-slap~)
• For one year, actually write (and mail via the Postal Service) all birthday, anniversary, and other cards that I usually just get online and send via email. 
• To learn as much about my neighborhood and neighbors as I know about people who live halfway around the world from me.

You see what I mean? We keep so busy just keeping up with the latest thing to "manage" our lives that we've lost control of managing our lives without those things. We have so much useless (though entertaining) garbage thrown at us that our brains have no room for important or useful information.

I don't know about everyone else, but I think I need a brain detox. I need to clean out some of this crap that clutters my mind so that I can regain some of my cultural literacy. Too many of us have a PhD in Kardashian while we couldn't pass a high school test on the timeline of any U.S. military action of the last decade.

Ignorance and distraction. We went looking for escape and ended up getting lost.

By the way, if you are interested, you can test yourself. (Don't ask me about my scores. I'm not telling!)

Peace

--Free

"Bad" Looks Better on Some People

There are always so many negative images portrayed of certain classes of people. People don't hear as many tsk-tsk stories about people with made-for-media images - unless those images are made-for-sterotyping. This is why we, as a society, tend to trust the person wearing a suit or climbing out of a luxurious car while we will clutch our handbags or cross the street to avoid a raggedy-dressed person. It's why we trust and envy almost anyone with letters behind their name (or with the letters of their name on a building), while we try hard not to notice the parent paying for groceries with food stamps.

We are so conditioned by mainstream media that we no longer trust our own judgement about people we don't personally know.

If we learned to see and interpret impressions for ourselves, we might see reality about people and situations clearer than we do. There are good, bad and ugly characters in every economic, racial and social strata of our society, but we snap-judge almost everything. Don't believe me? Think about the following examples of unbalanced treatment of people in various situations.

• Young man grows up in a stable home and goes on to graduate - loan-free - from two ivy league higher education institutes. After establishing a successful career in New York, he steals millions of dollars from people to fund his ego and his enviable lifestyle. (Marc Dreier.)** 
• A single mother left her two very young kids in a car alone so that she could complete a job interview. I probably don't have to tell you the details because her story was splashed all over the news. (At least in this case, the media attention backfired - in the woman's favor. People have donated thousands of dollars to help her situation. You know that if she ever does another wrong thing in her life, we'll hear about it as soon as the media finds out.)
• Person grows rich from a great idea that was cleverly marketed. After becoming wealthy, this person decides to hide more than $100 million to keep from paying taxes on the money. They get probation and community service. Why? Because, other than being a tax cheat, this person is basically a good person who can do more good out of jail than in. 
• There are plenty of stories of people serving severely harsh prison time for other things. Probably because they just look like they ought to be in jail...

By the way, when it comes to crimes involving money, if you think that people "like us" won't ever have to worry about debts putting us in jail, you might want to think one more time. Some crimes are worse than other but, apparently, sentencing is often more about who is committing a crime. I guess it depends on how the courts see the people coming in for sentencing.

Understand that I'm not saying that all poor people get more harshly treated for crime than all rich people do. I'm talking here about how differently the rich and poor are treated in the media. If you think I'm wrong, ask yourselves what your own ideas are about people of different economic classes.

Think of how dangerous some of our prejudices are. 

• Ted Bundy was able to get so close to his victims simply because he "looked" safe. 
• Wealthy socialites are "heroin" chic, but poor junkies are "crack hoes" and "skanks".
• Why does "corporate welfare" not sound as nasty as "welfare queen"?
• Politicians getting freebies and perks are not "welfare queens", are they? I don't know, no one every talks enough about it to make a difference.
• The same politicians who bitch about sick people wanting healthcare seemed to like their benefits just fine - before Obamacare. 
• Some people seem to think that politicians get too many benefits for not enough service. Other people think the 'ticians only have it slightly better than "not bad".
• When corporations avoid taxes, that's "smart". Right?
• Banks get into trouble all the time. If Bank of America was a person, little old ladies would cross the street to avoid them at night. As consumers, we won't (most of us) eat at a diner with dirty silverware, but we'd deposit our money in a bank just because of they're great advertising campaigns.

Last of all, I can give you two examples when on the receiving end of media bias (or maybe it was just individual ignorance). In the first case, I called over the telephone about a job. After a great conversation, the employer told me to come in as soon as possible for a meeting. I just knew I had that job. When I showed up, the woman was shocked to find that I was black. (Didn't get the job, by the way.) In the second case happened when I was in my twenties. I was happily chatted with some random forty-ish lady somewhere (store or office, I can't remember where) until she made the comment that I was so "articulate for a young black woman". Not only am I articulate, but I also remembered my home-training about being respectful to older people, no matter how harmlessly ignorant they might be.

I'm not ranting here because I think I am any less biased than you against certain people. Trust me when I say that I will hold my purse a little tighter when I see some dangerous-looking person lurking in the vicinity. My problem is that we don't always identify all  the dangerous people.

Peace

--Free

** About Dweier: While awaiting sentencing for his crimes, he lived in his $10 apartment, eating to deal with his stress. His complaints about his living situation included the boredom and how irrelevant the news seemed to him now. Poor thing. Sitting around in his beautiful apartment, he seemed a little bummed that he (or his family) had to pay for the required armed guards and the he was not allowed access to a cell phone or computer. Some of the things he worried about prior to receiving a 20-year sentence: whether he would be able to view Mets games (vs Philly games); what type of work he would be expected to do in prison (because he doesn't want to be on his knees cleaning or working for eight hours in a kitchen); that he be sent to a low-security prison to do his time, preferably in a place convenient for family visits; that he would never see his dog again... Oh! I just felt my whole heart breaking for the poor guy. Not. (At least Madoff got serious time.)

Thoughts on Poverty and Wealth

• "Poor" is not a dirty word.
• Not all "poor" people are poor because they deserve to be.
• Not all poor people are sad.
• Not all poor people are happy.
• Being poor does not always mean a lack of ambition or morals or character.
• A lot of times, being poor means being unwilling to do anything and everything for profit.
• "Rich" is not a dirty word.
• Not all rich people have a lack of morals, character or compassion for others.
• Not all rich people are happy.
• Not all rich people are sad.
• Not all poor people are lazy.
• Not all rich people are hard workers.
• Lazy is lazy.
• Hard work is hard work, no matter what the profit.
• People doing jobs that won't make them rich are needed as much as people doing jobs that will make them rich.
• For some people, "poor" means working hard and still not being able to afford healthcare or education or a decent existence.
• For some people, "rich" means being healthy, happy, loved and at peace with themselves.
• We need to stop glorifying the wrong definitions of rich and poor.
• We need to start valuing character more than we value status.
• We need to instill in our children better reasons for pursuing education.
• We need to start seeing each person for what they really are rather than for what we think they might be.
• We need to start portraying ourselves in the way we want to be seen.
• We need to stop making excuses for our poverty of character and morals.
• The rich man receiving government assistance for being rich needs to stop telling the poor man not to receive government assistance for being poor.
• We need to do away with labels for government assistance that demonize the poor while excusing or applauding the rich.
• Those who use their wealth to trample, loot and corrupt are as bad as the poor who use their poverty as an excuse to trample, loot and corrupt.
• Prince or pauper, we are all human.
• We need to stop banding together as the "haves" and the "have nots" and start banding together as the brothers and sisters who are all trying to live our lives the best we can.
• We need to start valuing the lives of all good people, rich or poor.

Peace

--Free

We Have the Wrong Ideas About Love

The very title of this article was so offensive ("14 Sexiest Celebrities With Ugly Significant Others"), I fell into the trap and read it. That's what I get for stumbling across sites with names like "Celebrity Romance". (Actually, I was reading news on The Root and clicked on a link...)

First of all, "romance" - celebrity or any other type - is about romance and not "hot bodies" or cheap hookups. Second of all, as stated in the article's title, those celebrities are with their chosen and "SIGNIFICANT others". A person does not become a romantic and committed significant partner to anyone too shallow to see past the exterior.

I guess the author of the article thinks it would be better for a "sexy" person to be married to an equally sexy serial killer - or woman-beater, ice-queen, rapist, cold-heart, or whatever. Apparently, that author has never gauged love for themselves with anything other than their own vagina or penis.

And by the way, "ugly" is such a four-letter word. I don't think that even the most attractive person wants to be wanted only for the way they look.  Sometimes I wish that, instead of our bodies, we could see the state of our hearts in a mirror. (By the way, I sure didn't see a photo of the article's author! I hope they can consider themselves "hot" since that might be all they have going for them.)

When I think of spending my life with someone, I don't think of having to be beauty-queen perfect most of the all the time. I hope that I will just be as beautiful as I am to that person. I sure as hell am not going to give a damn whether or not some tired-ass loser thinks I don't deserve to be with someone.

Since I am ranting all over the place on the topic of love and couples, let me tell you about a couple I saw today.

This morning, while I was waiting to see my doctor, I watched a mid-aged daughter come into the waiting room with her elderly parents. The dad was in a reclining wheelchair and the mom didn't look very well. Apparently, they were there for the father's appointment because the mother was as concerned for  his comfort as the daughter was. While the daughter took care of insurance forms, I watched her parents tease and banter with each other. I sat there thinking about how hard it must be for the wife to see her husband not feeling well. I'm sure she's worried and maybe even thinking about the "What ifs" of a life without him.

I kept thinking how that couple was young once, and their daughter just a baby, and their life as a family just starting. Imagine what they've been through together. Imagine the good times and bad times.

Like a lot of older single people, when I see loving couples, I have a habit of being envious of the "easy" parts of relationships. Looking at that husband and wife today, I realized that there are so many more parts of a lifetime commitment that are difficult. I also realized that I even envy their difficulties.

Anyway.

Whoever wrote that disgusting article has surely missed the whole point of love and commitment and desire. I think most of us are surprised by what will make a person attractive to us. And by "attractive", I mean truly attracted. Hormones are one thing, but real devotion is something else.

Personally, I get so sick of the media paying all this attention to "hotties", "yummy mummies", and "sexiest" whoever. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate sexiness, but I guess we all have our own definition of what that is. There is a huge difference between I-wanna-sex-you-up and I-wanna-spend-my-life-with-you. Love is blind because we love with our hearts and not with our eyes.

Peace
--Free

Grown, Strong, Cute & Sexy

Grown:

• Not always responding in anger even when you might have a right or reason to, even if it makes you look weak, ass-kissing or embarrassed.
• Saying "ma'am" and "sir" to someone above you in age, rank, title or experience.
• Saying "please" and "thank you" even to people who don't have the sense to do the same.
• Speaking to those present when you enter a room even when they are too rude to speak back.
• Not taking offense when elderly people do or say something fairly harmless that seems to be a throwback of the past. It's not "throwback" to them, it's their life and times.
• Never taking simple kindness for granted.
• Knowing that it often takes more maturity to follow than it does to lead; to listen than to speak.
• Knowing the difference between listening and hearing.
• Being able to take criticism in the spirit in which it is given.
• Not thinking that everyone's main goal in life should be to end up as a "baller" or "shot-caller".
• Learning to forgive, even though you don't have to forget or condone something.
• Not cussing at will and random, no matter who's around, just because you know some really good cuss words.
• Not acting like an ass if you don't want to be treated like one.
• Not walking the walk and talking the talk of a hoodlum and then being offended when people assume you are a hoodlum.
• Ditto for whore, bitch, "gangsta", or dumbass.

Strong:

• A strong man knows how to be gentle.
• A strong woman doesn't have to be loud to get her point across.
• A strong man won't hit a woman just to prove he can or will.
• A strong person knows that it sometimes takes more strength to walk away from a fight than it does to throw a punch.
• If you are going to "settle" something with violence, throwing punches takes more skill and wit than pulling a gun.
• Packing a gun doesn't make you strong, it just makes you armed.
• Controlling someone with fear is a form of cowardice.
• Strong is a lifestyle, not a shape, size or personality.
• It takes more strength to work through problems than it does to work around them.
• It takes more strength to put aside differences than it does to perpetuate them

Cute:

• Cute is a child who can recite the alphabet, the multiplication tables or reads learns poetry and prayers. 
• Cute is a child who has good manners.
• Cute is not the kid who can sing or dance to the latest Katy Perry or Jay Z song when they haven't yet learned to wipe their behinds correctly.
• Cute us not the kid carrying the latest cell phone when they don't understand that money was not created just for their joy and comfort.
• Cute is someone who understands they are wonderfully and awesomely formed no matter what their shape, size or color.
• Brains without sense is not cute.
• Brawn without character is not cute.
• A jerk of a person with all the boobs, muscles, money or status in the world is no cuter than a decorated piece of wood is a cake.

Sexy:

• Sexy is not your hair, height, bra size or whatever you may be packing in your pants.
• Sexy can't be bought, taught, worn or given away.
• Sexy is whatever it needs to be to whoever finds whatever it is sexy.
• Your sexy might not be my sexy, but it's still sexy.
• Sexy is not defined by how "pretty", thin, tall, curvy or rich you might be.
• Sexy is tricky until you find your own.
• Once you get it, sexy has no expiration date.

I'm almost there, but I will always be working on being grown, strong, cute and sexy.

Peace

--Free

Game the Game

Forget that saying about not hating the player and hating the game. Life is not a game. Don't envy the rich and famous. Understand them.

• They sit on toilets. Just like you do.
• They probably feel a little more self-conscious than you do when they do sit on toilets.
• They have picked their noses. Just like you have.
• Imagine their horror vs yours if they ever get caught picking their noses.
• They have morning breath. Just like you do.
• Their morning breath might even be worse, if they actually do all the things they've been accused of.
• They have bad breath sometimes. Just like you do.
• Their bad breath might get reported on in a gossip rag. Horror!
• They lie awake some nights, feeling lonely, worried, scared, unloved and unappreciated. Just like you do.
• Most of them do what they do so that they don't feel that way. 
• That very deep middle of the crack of their butt smells. Just like yours does.
• You'd look better too, if you had the resources they had.
• Some of them don't look much better than you do, even with all those resources.
• You might look better.
• In person, you probably do look better. You can't Photoshop 'in-person'.
• They spend their days working on their image.
• You spend your days working on your life.
• They might have a bigger funeral, but you're both going to be dead.
• They live under a lot of pressure. They choose to live under that pressure.

There are days I'd like to swap lives with some of these people. Then there are days when I think of all the ways I'm not like a "Real Housewife", porn star, celebrity socialite or anyone with more than 50,000 Twitter followers. I think about things like...

• I don't wear false eyelashes and contoured eye makeup.
• If I did, I wouldn't have it on by eight in the morning.
• After I got it on, I'd need touch-ups about every three minutes.
• To be honest, I can't wear more than a little eye shadow ever since I damn near put my eye out with a sharp eye-lining pencil.
• I definitely can't wear a full-on face of foundation, the stroke my face thoughtfully without leaving a complete set of my fingerprints on every piece of white clothing I own.
• My foundation doesn't come in shades like 'Peach" or "Barely Nude'. Mine come with names like 'Chocolate Kiss' and 'Color Me Cocoa'. 
• Cameras following me around my house would catch at least one shot of a junk drawer, messy closet or magazines and books that don't look like I bought them that very day and never opened them.
• My outfits are never so runway glam, photo-ready casual or carelessly chic.
• I don't photograph well at just any moment.
• I don't photograph well at all without the proper lighting, angle and a sponge to erase the shine on my face.
• I look like I've worked out after I go to the gym.
• Sometimes, I looked like I've died and been medically resuscitated after I've gone to the gym.
• My hair would never be so well-maintained after tennis, jogging or romping around in bed.
• My hair barely looks so well-maintained after I've spent twenty minutes maintaining it.
• I don't like men trying to "run their fingers through my hair."
• To be real about it, it would take something more than a man to run his fingers anything but over this natural hair.
• He has to be special to me before I let him even touch my hair.
• I'm a black woman. I don't let water near my hair unless I've got my entire styling kit and a good half hour to deal with the situation.
• I am not ready to smile for the camera two minutes after eating spinach fritata, blackened ribs, or whatever food has any kind of coloring in it whatsoever.
• Who takes those "intimate" selfies of celebrity couples snuggling in bed?
• Who wants someone hanging around to take those selfies?
• Why the hell is it so hard to do cat-eye makeup on over-20 eyes?
• Am I the only one that likes to take a quick shower before having sex?
• Why are there more unattractive actors than unattractive actresses?
• Why don't I look as good chewing food, blowing my nose or waking up in the morning as characters on TV?
• Why are so many real life things edited out of even those movies that are supposed to be about "real" people?
• I don't have wild sex with strange men who just happened to come to my door in a fake workman's outfit offering to take care of my plumbing.
• Okay, I lied, but it only happened once and I found out that my then husband is not very good at role-playing.

Yeah. So. My life may not be perfect, but that's what makes it a life.

Peace

--Free

"Welfare" is NOT a Dirty Word

When I posted about hope for the disabled, I was thinking of how being disabled is stigmatized enough without other problems.

Being out of work is a trigger for depression. You aren't bringing in a paycheck - you are receiving welfare.

Definition of Welfare: financial support given to people in need. (my emphasis)

Welfare isn't a dirty word, but the way many people say it makes one think of a recipient as being lower than a rapist. I think one of the reasons I've always disliked an otherwise likable man is because he popularized the term Welfare Queen. He did for recipients of assistance what many trashy newspapers do for the image of any American person with brown skin.

I've responded before to people who have a negative perception of welfare recipients. (Okay, it was more like I ranted, but I felt provoked.) I probably didn't touch the conscience of the stupid, but I might have made a difference to the ignorant.

On the subject of depression among the disabled (even those who aren't diagnosed as depressed), much of the problem is caused by ignorance. Most of us are guilty of being ignorant of situations we haven't been in. Ignorance is only bliss for the people it doesn't affect. When I run into people who are ignorant about my personal situation as a welfare recipient, I am affected. Sometimes, I come away mad, but I often just feel depressed and frustrated.

An example:

A while back, I was in the grocery store and another shopper started chatting with me. She commented on the ridiculous prices of the fruit we were looking over. She told me how she had lived all over the world and still didn't understand why shipping costs to Alaska seemed worse than anywhere else. That led us into a conversation about other things: places we'd lived, jobs we'd held, our hobbies... We even had a good laugh over being single after forty. She was one of those people you meet and just instantly like. She seemed smart, educated and friendly. We talked for probably a good fifteen minutes before separating to finish our shopping. A couple of times while I was cruising the aisles, I saw her and another woman sharing a cart.

When I went to the self-checkout section, there was the lady and her friend at the register next to mine. She had a bunch of groceries she was almost finished checking out and she gave me a look of "Thank God" when she was just about done. I scanned my three or four items and pulled out my EBT card to pay.

The EBT cards issued here in Alaska look pretty much like any debit card, but most residents know at a glance exactly what they are.

The woman who had been so friendly before saw that EBT card and she developed an instant nose-up attitude. I don't know if she said anything to her friend or not, but I caught them watching me and giving each other looks. I thought about waving when I left, but they were ignoring me pretty good. I'm not blaming this woman for her reaction. I blame media and anyone who promotes negative stereotypes. Still, I felt a few seconds of hatred for that lady's attitude. When I got over that, I spent the drive home wishing something would happen to send her running to stand in line at the local Public Assistance office. I got over that, but the hurt feelings I had lingered for days. Also, I started using my EBT card at the least busiest time in a store - like at midnight.

Maybe I am just being sensitive. Probably. Knowing how welfare is so stigmatized in our society will do that.

I told my sister once that no matter how I'm dressed or how I speak and present myself, that the minute I have to pull out that EBT card at a store (or the Medicare/Medicaid card at a clinic), my soul shrinks ten inches. My sister knows me. She knows that I tend to feel everything too deeply. She has held my hand while I've cried from feeling embarrassed and worthless because of that fucking EBT card.

Being on welfare feels like wearing signs that say things like "I am lazy", "I am milking the system", "I am the reason you pay so much in taxes".

What I want to express here is that not everyone receiving assistance owns those signs. We've paid taxes and we will be happy enough to pay them again. Not all of us wear our situations wear you can see them. We are smart, educated and worthwhile people. We have, at some point, worked just as hard as you. We dream and hope and care and feel. Just like you.

The past couple of years have been tough, but I've learned things about myself that I might never have discovered. A good thing about being at your lowest point is, you can be sure of the sincerity of the people who love you.

If you are someone lucky enough to never need help, be good to the people who do.

Peace
--Free

"American Pimp"

Well.

Watched this film - American Pimp - the other night, courtesy of Netflix. Feel like I wasted one of my 2-DVDs for the month.

I've always judged anything - books, music, film, art - by the way I feel when I've walked away. I don't mind feeling disturbed. Usually, when something disturbs me, it at least has made me think. Thinking is good. What I hate is when something disturbs me to the point of disgust, where I feel like a lesser (though maybe better informed) person.

"American Pimp" was informative, but it disturbed me in a very negative way. I felt like it re-enforced every negative thought I've had about certain types of people. Bolstering stereotypes is never a good thing.

As a woman, I felt sorry for my black and white sisters allowing themselves to be used by such inadequate men. The film never touched on what circumstances led these women to be with these low-life (yes, I'm about to say it) niggers.

Let me explain what I was taught the word "nigger" means: a person with a heart full of selfish darkness. My mother would tell me to respond to someone calling me nigger by asking how they knew anything about my character. Nigger is one of the ugliest words known to my mind, but I know that there are some people in every race, nationality and culture who gives the word it's usual meaning. For instance, there was a white guy (one) shown in the film. I know that some folks will say that he, as owner of a legalized brothel, was at least being responsible in his pimping duties. His "girls" had healthcare, made great wages and were allowed the right to refuse service. I say that, if the women working at his brothel had so much control, they wouldn't need a pimp. I think he just got off on owner's privileges.

The whole time I watched this film, I kept waiting to see something about the pimps - other than their selfish motivation for living life without ever punching a time-clock. The biggest confusion for me was - what the hell did they have going for them to entice women to work for them? They were not super-smooth talkers, or even that great-looking (except for one guy, Danny, who is the spitting image of one of my brothers, help me, Jesus) and they weren't especially articulate. Other than being personally in love with one of them, I just couldn't see being persuaded to do more than fix them a decent meal every now and then. If they were starving and begging on the streets. Maybe not even then, not with their attitudes.

If I even did want to give these guys any credit, I couldn't. I mean, if they were smart, they would be better organized and run their pimping more like a business. I heard one of them mention the lack of retirement and healthcare benefits. So... you're smart, soul-less and brazen enough to pimp women, but you're not smart enough to set yourself up for old age? (And don't tell me that I should look in a mirror. I never have worn enough gold or had a closet full of suits I could use to pay off a damn mortgage.)

I don't even want to get started on the fact that these so-called pimps actually have an annual ball. I'm being so serious. It's called the "Players Ball." I. wanted. to. cry. I was looking at this ridiculousness and thinking about how other people fought for freedom and equality and human rights, but no one is talking about them everyday. No one is making it accepted to be smarter, braver and more compassionate, but, boy, start calling someone a "baller," "player" or "shot-caller" and just watch the cameras flash.

Basically, this film was almost a total waste of the time and energy I spent watching. "Almost", only because it reminded me that not all men with this "pimp" mentality are out there putting women on the street. Some guys bring the same attitude and emotional depth (not!) into relationships, marriages and parenthood. Some women bring the "ho" attitude. And some people think this is cute or something. By the way, I'm not letting the women in this film go without some blame, but the focus was on the pimps.

Not to be sanctimonious about it - because I know that there are women who've not had my blessings - but I think I'd just rather be hungry than whored out. And, if I was going to sell myself, the only person I'd be feeding with the proceeds would be me. If I ever had to work the streets that way, I think I'd rather go the solo route: owner and operator, me.

"American Pimp" made me embarrassed to have 'American' in the damn title. That it focused almost entirely on black pimps just made me cringe.

I'm not wanting to knock the work of any film-maker (or any other type artist), but where is the worth in something like this?

I can't change that people know more about pimps, slutty celebs and anyone else who pisses on human potential but I can make my own wall of heroes.

• thegrio.com lists some unsung black heroes.
• Female philanthropists
• Other positive female role models
• Artists to know...
• ... And still more
• In business
• In technology
• Music not just by Jay Z or Miley

There are too many people on this planet trying to do something positive. I hope I never again waste a moment of my time watching something like "American Pimp."

Peace

--Free

The Ideal Man & Woman

Sitting around on a week-day night, drinking alchol and eating hot wings with celery sticks and ranch dressing is not conducive to intelligent conversation between single and platonic friends. Nevertheless, this is what happened to me, a gay guy, two straight guys and a recently-dumped female. (Sounds like I'm about to tell a dirty joke, doesn't it? Maybe.)

We actually came up with (okay, mostly they, because I can't hold my liquor) a list of conclusions.

The ideal man:

• (If really unattractive) has a fat wallet, and/or high-salary profession, and/or high profile and exciting life, and/or great bedroom skills. Or maybe he's just over-paid and overly generous to a fault.
• (If moderately attractive) has a great job, and/or looks cute holding a kid, and/or has a personal charisma, and/or talks a great "game," and/or has great bedroom skills.
• (If really attractive) doesn't wet himself in public.

The ideal woman:

• (If really unattractive) has the same things as an unattractive man and/or is really smart, and/or is really cunning, and/or lacks any morals whatsoever, and/or can treat men like crap and make them want her just because they will never be sure they can keep her, and/or makes a man feel like he has the best bedroom skills ever.
• (If moderately attractive) could do better but settled for the one she got, and/or has a great job and is generous out of stupidity or neediness, and/or has either great bedroom skills or great faking-it-in-the-bedroom skills.
• (If really attractive) doesn't wet herself in public (unless it turns a guy on).

You'll think I'm kidding, but this is what came out of the conversation my friends and I had. (I might not want to be friends with a one of them anymore.)

Does it matter that we were all a little bit bitter and lonely, on our way to being pissy-drunk, and feeling completely safe with each other? Maybe. But, if you look at North America as a general snapshot of life, isn't there a little bit of truth in there? Don't you (even if secretly) agree with the observations? And, yes, I know that they are about as deep as wrinkles on a teenager.

My personal input about men didn't get past my declaration of "They need what they don't want and want what they don't need." My whole take on what I think men think of as the ideal women was completely bitter:

"She has the breasts of a nursing mother, the hips of a teenage boy and the ass of perfection. Must look good in heels." (I won't get into the whole big ass vs little ass debate.)

So - were my friends and I really lopsided and sexist and ignorant in our general observations, or did we actually see through the Jack and Coke to make some sense? (I don't care how you feel about the other stuff, I stand by my theory on the ideal woman.)

Peace

--Free

Where Did Manners Go?

I'm not sure what's wrong with people anymore. There seems to be such a climate of apathy*, a lack of common manners and personal pride. No wonder so many of the relationships I see are in trouble. People have forgotten how to treat each other. We don't care enough about strangers and we don't care much more about loved ones - not if you go by the way we behave.

I was at the store yesterday where a young woman with two  kids, one of them disabled, was struggling to deal with groceries and kids - in a rainstorm. She left her shopping cart near the trunk of her vehicle while she settled her kids in the back seat. One child was about three and, of course, she probably didn't want him taking off into the parking lot (like young ones will do). The other child, about seven, seemed to have a physical disability with controlling his movements. I had parked nose to nose with her and was getting out of my car when I noticed her cart starting to roll a little. Some impatient "gentleman" was trying to pull into the space next to her and the cart was in his way. He blared his horn over and over, for her to move the cart.  The poor woman was trying to finish seating the kids, but got flustered because this man would not stop. I went over and moved the cart out of his way so that he could lay off his freaking horn. And you know me: one day I'm going to get my ass beat from stepping to people who piss me off. I stood there long enough to give him a good shaming stare-down. When he was too chicken-shit to say anything, I called him a rude jackass. (I have angels flying around with their swords drawn to protect me from my own bravery, I swear.)

Why are people so damn rude and impatient? What was this man's problem? Did he think the woman had telepathic control of the cart? Was he in a hurry to get inside for his psych meds? What the hell? And I do know that I stooped to extreme rudeness in my reaction, but, damn.

I remember when it was almost everyone's natural reaction to hold a door for a person coming up behind. A few days ago, I damn near got taken out by a man shoving past me and throwing open a door to get into the library. People don't say "Please" and "Thank you." Kids are not being taught how to behave in restaurants (and, okay, baby D.J. is still learning), and no one seems to care about just being civil and courteous in public.

A friend of mine has a habit of belching like it's no big deal - no matter where she is. That's so ladylike, don't you think? Her excuse: "It's a natural bodily function. Everybody does it." As if "bodily" means "public" or "in your face."

In a conversation one time I said I thought it was rude for a man or woman to habitually (and loudly) pass gas around each other. I was told I was uptight.  One of the guys said, "It means you are comfortable around someone." (No - it means you don't give a damn. You certainly didn't make that first impression with a belch, did you?)

Maybe I am uptight, but I don't care how "comfortable" I feel with someone, I don't want to just blast out a belch (or whatever) around them. (Okay, wait - let me be totally honest: I will do it around my sister, just to mess with her!) I get it that "stuff" happens. Sometimes, it's cute and playful - like when my ex-husband would hold my head under the covers and threaten me with toxic fumes. Usually though, I try to maintain a level of respect for people. If I do burp, or - you know, do that other thing - I excuse myself (or try to play it off and hope it's' a windy day).

I'm sorry, but I think manners matter. You don't have to be a graduate of Emily Post to understand common politeness. With friends, lovers and family, I'm just not comfortable walking around, scratching my ass or blowing fumes all over them. (Obviously, I have no restraint when it comes to blogging about it all, but...)

My roommate is a chick who has no problem letting it all hang (or blow) out. We talk about it all the time. I harp on her the way my mother harped on me: "You'll slip up and do it in front of someone special."

We may be dysfunctional in a lot of ways, but my siblings and I are still courteous to one another. In public, my brothers treat me and my sister like the ladies we are. Of course, they will kill for us, but they also hold doors and walk on the outside of the sidewalk. (Then again, I have awesome brothers. Most of the time. Not that they don't give us a lot of sh*t.) My mother raised us to be this way. I don't know how I would feel if a man in my family didn't hold a door for me or treated me like I wasn't a lady.

I probably do sound like a throwback of some kind, but, oh well. I'm the woman who will not, for the first months of a relationship, let a man see me looking haggard in any way. (I'm still haunted by the nightmare I looked when I was in the hospital a few years ago: hair all jacked up, lips chapped and peeling... I don't even want to know what I smelled like after not being able to bathe for days. Ugh!) When I'm in a relationship, I keep two things on the bedside table: baby wipes for my face and a swig of orange juice for my morning dragon-breath. And men don't seem to have the same ideas, but I like being a woman. I think little things like that matter.

Yeah, so, let's get back to being nice people, folks.

Peace
--Free

(* Thanks, +Evelyn Blandino. My fingers were moving faster than my brain!)

Character or Success

I guess I'm just in a pissy mood - or else ranting is my way of letting off steam without hurting someone.

Looking at the trashy news from time to time, I see so many folks who have been blessed with so much who throw it away. The latest member of this club is a pro ball player, making millions, who killed a friend over some criminal b.s. First of all, to kill anyone, let alone a friend is its own kind of twist on a basic character defect. Second of all, to be hanging on to criminal behavior when you have been given an out, well...

It's not that there aren't as many decent, honest, real people in this world, but when is the last time that any of them get more attention from the media than the idiots? It's much easier to find news and information about the trash of this society. Matter of fact, it's kind of hard to avoid it. The way things are going now, if I were one of the idiots, I'd have advice for any kids I might have today:

• Instead of wasting too much energy on your school studies, work on your looks. Be as good-looking or quirky as you can. That way, you can break into media as a fashionista, YouTube sensation or reality show contestant.
• Learn to rap or sing (or not). If you can't rap, latch on to someone who can and become a member of their entourage. If you can't sing, work on a look that will distract from your lack of vocal talents.
• Forget what you've ever been taught about being polite. What you want to do is work on being snarky enough to be amusing to people who don't care about manners (or to be intimidating enough to people too polite to shut you down).
• Learn to be vicious enough to take what you want. The slogan was never to "Ask for life in a fair and honest way," but to take it by the reigns.

I know that sounds pushy, but, really - why be king when you can be bold or brazen? Why be sweet when nasty gets peoples attention?

Parents, quit teaching your daughters to respect themselves; better to teach them how to seduce the man they want. Doesn't matter how honest or sweet they are - there are a lot of dead goldfish, but the barracudas live!

Don't teach your boys to be "nice" and honorable. Not too many girls are looking to mate for life with that one. They are wearing shirts that tell you exactly what they are after: "If you're rich, I'm single." They have their own TV shows: The Real Housewives.

Teachers, stop trying to teach kids how to count and read - well, I think you have done that, but... Teach them how to fluff up a weak resume. Show them how to talk a better game than they really know how to play.

That's real life, real as it gets today. Makes me think of Gandhi's “Seven Deadly Sins":

Wealth without work
Pleasure without conscience
Science without humanity
Knowledge without character
Politics without principle
Commerce without morality
Worship without sacrifice.” 

Peace
--Free

More & Less (of what we need)

I'm supposed to be doing something else right now - something unpleasant and tiresome. Before I get to that, I will blow off some steam with a little (big) rant about people. There are just certain things more people need to be doing more of and other things many of us need to be doing less of. . Of course, all this is just from my opinionated point of view, but here's today's rant:

More people need to spend more time...

• Getting up and moving around. I'm not talking about just getting up and going to work every day (although that's always good). I'm talking about physically moving your body just to be moving. Take a walk, dance around the house, visit a museum or bookstore. Just do something to keep life interesting. I know people who don't work and still don't use all that free time to live some kind of a life. That's a lot like mental suicide. If nothing else, you are spitting in the face of an ability that some people would give anything for.
• Learning something. I love the Gandhi quote: "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." You can read tons of studies talking about how lifelong learning is important for staying mentally spry. I'm not elderly (yet), but I'm not very mentally spry. I'm going to do everything I can to work the brain muscles I have left. With the technology we have today, there's no excuse not to take advantage of the opportunities to learn. If you don't have a computer, libraries do, friends do - somebody can hook you up. If you don't have access to a library or friends with a computer, then ask around for help with that or other resources. I bet if you didn't have food, you'd know how to apply for assistance. I'm just saying.
• Helping each other. Someone you know needs something from you. Maybe some words of encouragement. Maybe they need to borrow your computer! (heh heh) You might be really good at something (cooking or cleaning or math or balancing a budget) that someone else could benefit from learning. 
• Accepting help and advice. If someone has criticized you, think about the criticism before you get mad and shut down. Sometimes people are just hating, but, sometimes, there's a little truth in a comment - insensitive or not. Don't complain about being sick and tired or depressed if you don't even want to make an effort to get better. Everyone has problems. Not everyone wants to do what it takes to solve their problems.
• Improving their situation. Unless you are perfect, there is room for improvement. That could go along with any of the previous points. 
• Being kinder to each other. It is not going to hurt society for all of us to start being a bit more pleasant. When your parents taught you as a child not to talk to strangers, I don't think they meant to turn you into a rude adult. It won't kill any of us to nod, say "hello" or make friendly eye contact with one another. Sometimes I walk through a public place wondering what the hell has everyone so mad or sad. 

If more of us need to be doing more of certain things, lots of us sure do need to stop doing some things. 

• Stop trying to be "gangsta" or a "hottie" or whatever ignorant, unoriginal thing that happens to be going around. Ever notice that when gangster rap went mainstream, a lot of folks started dressing, talking, walking and having the gansta attitude? You can go into a grocery store and feel crowded out by all the suburban kids trying to be Ice Cube. You want to roll your eyes and shrug it off, but you can never be sure just how far the wanna-bes are willing to go with their role-playing. And don't get me started on the kids running around trying to be the local version of some fake-a-lebrity or reality show idiot. I look at these people talking and acting like whoever is the latest trendy embarrassment with a TV show and think to myself, "What a horrible world." I think to myself, "What. A. Hor-ruh-bull world. Ohhhhhh, yeahhhh!"
• Stop supporting things that are bad for us, the world, arts and entertainment. If I could wave a wand and do one thing, it would be to stop another semi-talented singer from taking over the world of music, fashion and (in some cases) politics. Just because we live in a time when almost any one of us can do and be anything, that doesn't mean we should want to do or be just anything. Why not be someone promoting positive and worthwhile issues? If I see another influential singer, rapper, actor or whoever promoting a brand of liquor or rip-off debit card, I'm going to puke. The one thing I hate about some entertainment biggies is that once they get above their former life circumstances, they send nothing positive back down the ladder for others. People, stop validating celebrities who have such disdain for the rest of us. 
• Stop being victims of the latest thing. I remember way back when somebody scalded themselves with coffee from a fast-food place. Everybody fell on the bandwagon. Now, we can't buy gum without warning labels on the wrapper not to get a paper cut. The latest thing is bullying. I wonder sometimes if we don't live under a herd mentality. The first time I heard  of a person feeling damaged from being bullied, I remembered how I was picked on because of my scrawny size in my early school years. Later on, I got teased for being so dark-complected. Eventually, I learned to fight the kids that physically picked on me, then I grew a thicker skin and a stronger self-esteem against the problems. It was maybe a couple years ago that I first read about someone being driven to suicide by bullying. What? Maybe I am not fully aware of the type of problems going on in schools these days, but... There are kids who have to go to school (or just live day to day) in the middle or war zones and famines. When I hear about first-world problems like bullying, I kind of expect people to be just a little bit tougher.  (Please understand that I am not blowing off the fact that people have been hurt by bullying to the point of suicide. If kids in our schools are being subjected to bullying of such an extreme extent, something extreme should be done by authorities or parents before it gets that out of hand. Maybe what's happening today isn't the type of bullying I grew up with.)

There are a lot more things I could rant about, but now that I have this off my chest, I feel better.

Peace

--Free

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." (Plato)

"For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others." (Sam Levenson)

(both quotes from Good Reads.)

Movie Madness, Culture Crazy

It has occurred to me that I have let "pop" culture invade more of my life than I ever intended. Between celebrity news and gossip, movies, music and social networking, I know more about the rich and famous than I do about the smart and talented.

I had better start getting my act together. If I keep it up with the useless information I absorb, I'm going to die of stupidity.

The other day I was watching "Batman: The Dark Knight". Two characters were stranded outside, wet and freezing and one character said the most absurd thing ever to the other. The "sage" mentor type guy was showing his younger charge how to get warm. (I only suppose he was supposed to be sage; he talked slow and deep, as all sage characters do.) "Rub your chest," he instructed. "Your arms will take care of themselves."

At the time, I thought old boy was pretty cool. I mean, he had the voice and look of someone smart. If his advice wasn't a weapon against cold weather, well, then I don't even wanna know!

What a dumbass.

I live in a pretty cold place. I don't mean pretty and cold - although that is the truth.

Alaska

Obviously the cold has given me irreversible brain freeze since I believed such b.s. even for two seconds... I've lived here for most of my life. You think I'd know that if you get wet and sit outside in this kind of cold, rubbing your chest will be impossible. Your freaking arms would be too dead from the frostbite. Too bad they wouldn't be "taking care of themselves," huh? What - that's a job for the legs or something?

Yes, I should have known better, but, just for a moment (okay, okay - for the whole movie), I bought the advice of O Sage One...

Shit like that is going to get me killed one day.

Just think of someone new to life in this ice-box called Alaska. If rubbing their chest is the first thing that pops into their head, they had no business coming here. And, just in case this might end up being you one day, here's real-life advice: Put on your coat, dummy!" Better yet, how about trying not to fall into water outside during the winter?

Now I don't think any of us is really that dim, but still...

There is too much emphasis in society on learning how to get out of a limo without showing your drawers instead of how to own a limo service. Know what I mean?

Everybody wants to be a celebrity more than they want to be a hero to their own family and friends. This whole fifteen minutes of fame thing has just gotten way out of control.

Remember the old worries about smoking in movies? People were concerned that such a thing led to higher rates of teen smoking. No one seems to be as worried about what other elements of popular culture are influencing all of us.

We all would like to be better-looking, but with all the pressure from celebrity culture, we are willing to do more to reach that goal. I've heard of very young people talking about wanting plastic surgery. Plastic surgery? Like Doctor 90210 for Toddlers.

And, okay - let's not look that far. Let's think smaller and maybe closer to our "regular" lifestyles. How many really young kids do you know who have use of cellular phones? Don't know about you, but I was twenty and paying bills before I had my own house phone! I guess that fits with my upbringing since I was still playing with dolls at fourteen and fifteen. I can't imagine that for a girl these days - not without it being kind of a big deal.

I'm not exactly saying that movies and music and other segments of popular culture is to blame. After all, we all are part of that culture, whether or not we participate. If we don't participate, we tolerate. We don't seem to be pushing alternatives.

Instead of so many people running around, trying to be a gangsta, celebri-lite, or anything attainable for the sane and steady-minded, we might have a rush on folks wanting to be scientists or change-minded politicians. I'm an easy catch for someone smart. It's always been a kind of fantasy for me that someday there will be gangs of astrophysicists and red-carpets for aerospace engineers. Kind of makes me sweat...

With the regular cycles of furor over the latest release from a singer or movie studio, I doubt my fantasy will ever come true, but a gal can hope. Any single rocket scientists out there?

Peace
--Free

Translate This

Boy, I needed a good laugh and I got one day before yesterday.

My girlfriend drove me over to the Walmart pharmacy. We saw a commotion and, of course, we rubbernecked like crazy. There were quite a few folks trying to see what was happening. There were a few  police cars blocking off half the parking lot, the store manangers blocked the entrance closest to the happenings... it was crazy. Mostly, I was annoyed as hell that we had to go all out of the way to do what we needed.

A couple of nice looking fellows were stuck same as my girlfriend and I, trying to get back out to the parking lot. One of them said something to my friend and she almost fainted because he had an accent. French, I think. He and his friend seemed nice, kind of shaking their heads and hoping that all was okay.

Now, I am wary of men with accents. I am not into looks or money so much. Intelligence, kindness, sweetness and maybe a little swagger... That rocks me. An non-American accent will just do me in. Accents are sexy. I watch out for that because I married a man once and I am pretty sure the accent did something to my hormones. If he'd been from Tuscon, I might have dated him without going into heat. My crazy girlfriend just loves an accent. She once dated a guy for six months that she didn't even like because he had some kind of islander accent. This was around the time of Stella getting her groove back. I'm not even sure if my friend liked this guy enough to give her groove away. They talked on the phone a lot. Whatever.

My friend tends to stereotype situations and has no qualms about using friends as bait. As her black friend, I'm her magnet for guys with a Euro accent. We have another friend who has a body that's a freaking siren call for guys with any kind of "Island" accent. (We are all still shameless flirts. You get better at it with age.) Lately though, I'm not feeling cute. I don't even feel sociable. This didn't stop my friend from flirting her ass off with the guys at the store. (I need to talk with her about our age and the need for some mature dignity.)

So, there I am, nauseous, sweating and just wanting to get back in the truck where there is air conditioning. My friend is batting her eyes and chatting away with her new buddies. (I also need to talk to her about how silly the whole eye-battng thing s for a woman anywhere past high school. And, for us, high school is a really dim memory.)

Anyway, I finally tear the BFF away by  threatening to either faint or throw up. As we are walking off, the two guys start speaking, yeah, French. My friend, who has no self-esteem issues, wanted to believe they were being complimentary. Maybe. I couldn't help pointing out to her that the problem with hitting on foreign men is that they could be saying anything.

"Girl, they are checking out my ass and you know this."

We get home and, because my friend is a great friend, she sticks around to watch TV, help me cut my hair (again), try to fix food I might want to eat, etc. It wasn't until a few hours later that my sister noticed something on the butt of my friend's shorts.

"B____, how the hell do you have a bicycle tire mark on your behind?"

I don't think I even want to guess at how it happened, but, sure enough, my friend had a perfect tire mark right across the back of her pink shorts.

How the hell, right?

Anyway, I had such fun freaking her out with what those French dudes might have been saying. At least they probably really were checking out her ass.

Seriously, how did she get a tire mark on her ass?

Peace
--Free

P.S.: Number One - Typing this on a tablet (cos I had another PC mishap) so I hope it is readable. Number Two - Had to change my cell number after YEARS because of the stalker who is my ex; if I haven't sent you the new number, hit me via email.

Getting, Being And Staying Real

One of the things I am re-learning as I try writing a book is what I first learned when I started blogging: it's hard not to edit out your real self.

We all do a little photoshopping of ourselves everyday. It's a routine, like brushing your teeth, shaving or putting on makeup. I believe every one of us has parts of ourselves that we are afraid to expose. (For the smart asses out there, I am not talking about physical exposure.)

I try to be brave here on the blog. I'm really trying to be brave with the essays I am writing for the book. Some of what is so painful, embarrassing and humiliating for one of us can be helpful for someone else. Maybe they can learn that you can survive almost anything. Maybe they can learn that some things just don't matter after all.

One of the things I have talked about (but probably not deeply or seriously enough) is the verbal and mental abuse I survived in a marriage. That's a hard one. Maybe when I finish surviving it, it will be easier to talk about.  The thing about that situation is that the damage one person does to us cannot be altogether undone by ourselves; we need a little of the healing to come from outside ourselves. I'm getting there.

There are a lot of topics that are tough to address with a straight face. A lot of us would rather make jokes, be hurtful or be as outrageous and shocking as we can imagine. As vulgar and "open" as some people (musicians, artists, actors) want to be, what a lot of them are doing is not really useful to anyone outside themselves. I think it's easier for someone to sing about giving out "the best p_ _ _ y" around (and, yes, that's really in a song) than it is to talk about what's real about love. I think it's easy for someone to cut their hair weird or dress in meat clothing (WTH is that  about) or perform an exorcism as part of a stage show. What's hard is to talk about why we hurt people who are different than we are.

Sometimes there is a meanness that comes with covering up what we feel. I've been mean to hide being vulnerable or confused. (Just go back to some of my older postings.) What I wish is that, in some of those instances, another person would have just confronted me.

I forget where the hell I was going with this post. (I'm going to blame the Sarc, like I always do!) Mainly, I guess I was just thinking about how we need to be kinder and more loving to other people. I might not be tolerant of everything, but I need to look deeper at myself before I condemn anyone else. That's going to take learning to be real and stay real - about me, my feelings, my flaws, my needs and my whole self.

Peace
--Free