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Monday, March 03, 2014


***(UPDATE: I recently realized that indulging in horoscopes is not something I should be doing. In dealing with astrology, I was ignoring Isaiah 47:10-14 - and other passages. Often in my life, I was using the idea of being a "Cancer" to excuse some of my behavior. I am sorry for leading anyone astray with this or any other posts.)***

I'm a crab, a cancer (so to speak) on the ass of all that is boring, ordinary and plain. We Cancers are hard to describe, but I'll try.

As friends:

  • Can be incredibly childish and incredibly mature, all depending on where the second hand is on the clock.
  • Can't understand why everyone doesn't think, feel, care or live the way they do.
  • Will forgo every financial need and obligation they have to give you money if you need it.
  • Will not take money from you unless they are starving, in heat or just have to have that pair of shoes they saw at Nordstrom.
  • Will do random and puzzling things when you least expect it - like get you that two-hundred dollar bottle of perfume you mentioned three years ago was your favorite.
  • If mad at you about something, they will wish for at least ten minutes that you smell like rat piss every time you use that perfume they bought you.
  • Will do whatever they have to do to make you smile if they think someone else hurt your feelings.
  • Will put Wile E. Coyote to shame in thinking of ways to pay back the person who hurt you.
  • Will tell you about these plans when you are feeling better and make you decide you should never, ever, tell the crazy bitch again about someone hurting your feelings.
  • Will make you feel beautiful and smart and crazy-cool just when you need it the most.
  • Will tell you, when you are able to hear it, to please, lord-a-mercy, never wear those green and yellow pin-stripe pajama pants to the store again unless you want her to pretend she doesn't know you.
  • Won't ignore you the first time you show up at the store in those ugly pajama pants, but will find reasons to walk far ahead or behind you the whole time you're in public.
As siblings:
  • Will keep a family secret so long that one brother won't find out that another brother joined the military until the second brother has been stationed in Germany for three months.
  • Will call her mother, sister or favorite aunt with a secret "I'm okay" code-word on a set schedule whenever she's dating someone new.
  • Will idolize her siblings to the point where they no longer seem possibly human.
  • Will cut off contact with anyone who does the slightest malicious harm to one single member of her family - even after that family member has forgiven the other person and moved on.
  • Will lie to her brothers that everything is fine in her relationship, even when they are not, just so they don't start looking to hire a hit man to take out the jackass making their little sister unhappy.
  • Will sometimes think about hiring a beat-that-ass-down man in place of a hit man to deal with the jackass herself.
  • Thinks her brothers can do no wrong this side of Heaven, yet forbid any of her friends to ever even think about dating them.
  • Loves her family to the point of never being able to be out of touch with them.
  • Wanting to be in touch with them from a distance of at least ten miles for the sake of her privacy and sanity.
  • Will go into Witness Protection to guard her privacy from her family.
  • Will break Witness Protection rules to call her family and tell them the things she does want them to know.
  • Needs nothing else in her life as long she knows she has a family who loves her.
As loners:
  • Really hate having their private time invaded.
  • Really hate being ignored when they want to be acknowledged.
  • Will, as payback, teach anyone who dares ignore them the distilled essence of being ignored.
  • Get over being ignored by going back into their private world.
  • Once in their private world, they've locked out the real world.
  • They don't care if your hairdryer malfunctioned and you are running around the house with flaming hair and yelling things about calling 9-1-1. You are just being a freaking nuisance!
  • Can get lost in thought for hours over the most mundane and trivial part of a book, conversation or situation if it moved them in the slightest.
  • Escape from real world dilemmas by thinking of the alternate world they would create for themselves if they could.
  • Wonder sometimes if their sort of creativity is actually a form of delightful madness.
  • Don't mind the idea of a delightful madness because that's an idea they can spend a lifetime exploring.
  • Turn every good and bad thing in life into something they can use to create, express and share.
As lovers
  • Will love deeply some things about you, yet wonder how they hell they are going to keep from killing you in your sleep over other things.
  • Can pour out their heart to you in a letter, but find it hard to un-glue their tongues from the roof of their mouth when you are looking them right in the eye.
  • Will ignore you sometimes to the point you want to check your own pulse to see if you exist, then, at the turn of a switch, will turn into a sex-starved nymphomaniac who leaves you weak and breathless.
  • Will sometimes get irritated by your presence if you hang around them too closely.
  • Will hunt you down like a bloodhound on the scent if you don't call them.
  • Will wonder why the hell you breathe so fucking loud when they are trying to daydream.
  • Will wonder if you're upset with them if you don't talk to them for twenty minutes.
  • Will not speak one word to you if you've pissed them off, not even if the house were on fire, but will wake you up at 3 a.m. to make sure that you're okay because they had a dream that you got hurt.
  • Will wake you up at 3 a.m. just to talk about something that occurred to them and that needs to be discussed. In depth. Even though you both have to be up for work in a few hours.
  • Will hate you with all the fires of Hell if you even mention that you're tired and have to be up for work in a few hours.
  • Won't let you see them naked if they had too much water that day and feel the least bit bloated.
  • Will catch you off-guard and ravish you in the middle of your morning shower because they woke up feeling like their ass looks especially good that day.
  • You'll sometimes wonder how you ever existed on this earth with any amount of joy before they came into your life.
  • Other times, you'll want to smack the piss out them because they their ways and means are just are not to be understood by the human mind.
Cancerians are odd, weird, lovely, adorable and crazy as hell. What would the world be without us?


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