Tuesday, April 03, 2012

I Hate Love

I had to look twice when I saw this Neil Gaiman quote:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Wow. That made me think, laugh, feel happy, sad, young, old, wise and ignorant - all at the same moment.

I'm not in love, but I am in  Silly Crush mode. I thought crushes were only for the young, but since crushes are only anticipated and imagined romantic possibilities, I suppose they are for everyone. I know now that crushes are about as exciting and horrible as being in love. Yeah, so I'm with Neil on this one: I hate crushes.

Hmmm.

I suppose I need to take a big, humongous, scary, heart-stopping, death-of-pride-defying leap of a chance. I need to take a deep breath and exhale some deep words. At least then I can get on with being either happy or sad, smiling or crying. Knowing would be good. I can drown in ecstasy or wallow in  broken hopes and survive either one. I can't handle my mind wondering and pondering, my heart tossing and turning and just not knowing. I need to say some specific things to a specific someone, specifically soon...

 But not today. Today I'm going to just deal with the idiocy of it all...

Peace (or something like it)
--Free

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