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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Something About Love

A BFF is going through some pain right now. Someone she really cared about seems to have started caring more for someone else. It's hard enough to share love between two. When there are three hearts involved, someone is always going to be wondering if they are getting the smallest part of the whole.

My friend called me just to do what we always do when one of us is hurting: Nothing at all but sit, listen and try to pretend we have all the wisdom in the world. After all, true wisdom is just being wise enough to care.

What the hell do I know about love? If I knew all that much, I wouldn't be alone and with a trail of ruined relationships behind me like crumbs. If I knew much at all, I would not be human...

Not having all the answers never stops me from trying to find the words. So I tell my friend that she is, as Sade sings, so much better than she knows. I tell her about how it's okay to be a fool for someone you love. And it is, you know. Don't let anyone tell you that you should walk away, that you should just forget him and move on. Don't let anyone tell you any of that or all the other stuff you already know. What your mind knows and what your heart feels at a time like this - at any time - have nothing to do with each other. If they did, you would not hurt, nor would you ever truly love.

Love is the possibility of hurt. Love is opening your heart to someone, trusting them to take care of all the parts of your soul that you put into their care. Now, there is cautious love and careful love and protect-your-heart-and-wallet love. Those are easy. You can write contracts and plans out for that kind of "love". But real and true, giving and whole love... That is something else. There is no piece of paper, band of gold or cut of diamond that can define it. There are no songs, verses or written fantasies that will capture it.

I don't believe anymore in soul mates. I do believe in finding someone you can trust and want and respect and cherish and be ever-amazed by. I believe that you can end up with the right steward of all that you are and all you need to be. But we don't always find that one right away.

My friend hasn't found the one. In the meantime, she has been brave and hopeful enough to open herself to the hurt she is feeling right now.

We sat on the phone all night. Sometimes, we laughed about the absurdity of love, but mostly we were just trying to understand how to deal with all the feelings love brings. That was a little like trying to pin water to a board.

Finally, we just decided that, no matter what, it's worth it - love is. It's worth it because it's our human way of reaching for joy. It's how and why we dream. It's who and what we were meant to be. It's the part of us that makes our flesh pair with our souls. 

We don't feel any more enlightened this morning that we did last night, but we do feel renewed. My friend is going to survive this heartache. Because of this pain, she is going to be a sweeter gift to the one she is meant to be with.