Thursday, April 05, 2012

Feeling Solid

Do you know how when you are feeling down (or sick or panicked or whatever), you don't feel whole? As if you or your soul is out of focus and sort of there-not-there? Like Captain Kirk and Scotty when they are about to "beam" up? Well, I've been feeling that way for so long that I was unaware until something happened to make me feel solid again.

I've probably said it before (I am sure that I have), but there are times when this disease has made me feel as if I have gone insane. There is the terror that people will think that I am not in any way intelligent, that I will meet someone important on one of my bad days and they will walk away wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Yesterday I met with someone who does not know me and, hopefully, had no prior reason to judge me outside a professional capacity. They declared me not "crazy. Oh, God bless them! They can;t know that I was having a pretty bad day with the disease. How I wish I could have made them understand how important that was to me.

I think - actually, I know that I have isolated myself quite a bit since this whole business of the invasion of my body. It's hard not to. Probably it's my pride, but I really don't like getting outside my little circle of comfort: family, friends, places, pursuits. This person I met with made me realize that when they asked about what kind of support I have and what kinds of things I enjoy doing. I had to struggle to think of anything. There was a time when I could have rattled off a thousand things. There was a time when I was so busy and occupied (and those are two different things, you know!), but now...

What I need to do is just allow myself to fail. I need to at least try things. I realize that and I'm going to work on it.

What kinds of things do I enjoy? Why can't I keep doing them, at least to the point that I can?

So, I'm going to try to read more, no matter how little sense the words make and no matter how hard it is for me to see them. I am going to get back to crocheting my sad, useless little trails of stitches to be unraveled and re-done. I am going to spend more time with my fam and friends. I'm sure they won't care what my mood is. Ha! I know I can count on them to let me know if I am in a decent enough mood or not. I am going to blog and write more fiction waiting for the words to be perfect. I don't think that you guys will be too annoyed, will you? I am going to start back going to church. If start to panic or get bothered by the crowd, well, the congregation can pray for me!

I am going to stop hiding from myself inside this disease. I am going to start being as much me as I can manage. I don't know if this disease can kill my body or not, but I'll be damned if I let it kill my spirit.

Yeah. I so wish I could thank a certain person. I might never see them again, but I will keep them in my prayers always.