Thursday, May 17, 2012

Back, Better & Badder

I feel so much better tonight. Thanks to the web buddies who checked in to see how I was & to my BFFs who called and told really bad jokes and lies to make me laugh. That virus or whatever I was fighting knew jujitsu or something...

My sister and I just got through laughing about this liquid vegetable binge I just started. I get on these kicks of trying to be healthy and things usually turn out weird. Since I was laid up the last few days, my little brother & I watched a bunch of Hulu & You Tube. Yesterday, we watched a video about a guy with some immune system issues. Like me, he was on prednisone (and he was fat in places) and felt like he was really out of shape. Unlike me, he is one motivated dude. He went on a 60-day liquid vegetable body-cleanse/reboot kind of thing. Sixty freaking days with no chewing.

This cleanse thing is all about getting the bad stuff out of your body and introducing good stuff. (I have quite a bit of bad stuff, things like pie, pork and carbonated beverages.) My brother "D" and I were mostly looking for laughs but turns out this guy is onto something. He lost a gang of weight and his doctor lowered his meds. I will settle for just getting some of this fat off my ass.

After we watched the video, I told D that I'd like to do something to clean out my system. He reminded me that I was still bitchy from not smoking and giving up white sugar. (I feel like I am getting better about the sugar. I'm always going to miss smoking.) I reminded him that I can do anything I put my mind to. He reminded me that this guy lived 60 days on nothing but liquids. I reminded him that I just did a hunger challenge. He reminded me that, after the challenge, almost no one in our house was speaking to me yet.

Yeah. Whatever.

Since today was my day for grocery shopping, I went and got almost all fruit & vegetables. (I say "almost" because there was the incident with the Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Cookie Sandwich. Did you know about these things? The taste-ta-licious bomb, I swear.) Anyway, I now have a fridge full of collard greens, broccoli, red cabbage, spinach, cucumber, red grapes, apples & carrots. I'm feeling a little bit like a cousin to Bugs Bunny right now.

For lunch today, I had a Magic Bullet blend of vegetables & apples. (Everybody else had salmon and rice with some butter rolls. Bastards.) My nephew J did try my healthy drink. He said it looks like sewage & tastes like grass. He's right, but the taste is not a bad thing. Kind of tastes the way fresh mown grass smells.

Now, I don't plan on the drink being my only nutrition, of course. I mean, I need my Vitamin Meat and Essential Oil of Oil. I'm good, not crazy. The thing is, I haven't been getting enough good, raw, healthy stuff into my body. And about 25 minutes after getting this good. raw and healthy stuff into me today, I know why.

If you think I had to stay near a toilet because of all the peeing I do, you should have seen me scare the hell out of my cat and the dog getting to the toilet after that drink.

Apparently, a good dose of greens and fruits will rock your world like Metamucil never could. Not to get too graphic, but I feel like that lady in the old horror movie when she said, "This house is clean." Seriously.

How the hell did I forget what veggies will do to you? I grew up with a mother who lived by the cleansing value of greens. Mama felt like everything could be cured with a little quality time on the toilet. No matter what was wrong with any of us, her first line of mothering was, "When's the last time you had a 'movement?'" (That was her ladylike way of putting what happened to me today.) No matter what was wrong with us: toothache, headache, broken heart - the first thing Mom wanted to know was about your last "movement." Mama cured all my teen angst with some greens or Castor oil. Okay, she didn't cure it, but I was scared to let it show.

(Damn, I miss that woman!)

Well, my smart-ass sister has been having fun all day now. Every time I move, she makes a joke about clearing the way to the bathroom. My little brother was nicer until about an hour ago when he left for the airport. He just had to make a crack about not wanting to squeeze me too hard while we hugged goodbye. (I know he was just keeping me from bawling. I'm a Goodbye Bawler. I don't even have to know you & I bawl at goodbyes.)

Anyway... As usual, I forgot where the hell I was going with this, but I am going to suggest that you watch the documentary about this guy. I'm going to try to do at least one or two veggie drinks a day for a while. Here is a link to his website. I watched the vid for free on Hulu here and  here is an excerpt from YouTube:

(BTW - some of the stupid shit you will hear folks say: "If I do have vegetables or fruit, it's in moderation," and "I eat no fruits and I eat no vegetables." Some guy really said that. Maybe the lack of nutrients is why he sounds so ignorantly proud of that fact. He'd have gotten no love from my mom...)