Thursday, May 17, 2012

How Low, Slow, High Or Crazy?

This one is for B. She doesn't have the best internet connection, so I share a scan of the trashy news from the UK Daily Mail all the time. (Don't judge us!) This morning,  more than usual, there seems to be a certain vibe. It's as if all the articles are about folks trying to see how low they can go, how slow they can be, how high they can act, or how crazy they really are. It's a hot rubber-burning mess over there. Here is the scan:

BUT - before we start the crazy, I'm going to coat your stomach with the most beautiful vid I've seen in a while:

Man. I started out wanting to cry because of the first song, then I was just standing up clapping. How cute is she? And he not the coolest Daddy on the planet? What a lucky kid.

Okay. Now to the crazies...

This one goes under the category of "Huh?" I kind of admire this broad's guts. I mean, she walked through the store completely naked. That's some pimp ass confidence. Talking about her belief in "self-expression." Shoot, I believe in it too, but I don't want to blind people for life. Tell you what, I have no idea what her body looks like, but I know she has some major balls.

Um, what is wrong with Betty Brilliant here? This just straight pisses me off. There are a lot of women in this world who would give or do anything to be a Mom - not me - but it seems fertility increases with ignorance. This crazy heffa here needs her ass kicked. I want her arrested. NOW.

Um, okay.

Somehow, I feel kinda bad for laughing at this woman. She wants to marry & have children by... Jesus. Yeah. I shouldn't laugh. This is obviously a mental condition... (Why did she just have to be from Texas?)

For some reason, I've never believed in laughing at people for stuff like this, but my friend B has no such scruples. Almost threw her back out laughing. Mean. Just mean. (I think the guy had TV nerves. Plus, he's so freaking cute. A "himbo" maybe???) I'm not always the brightest torch in the tiki, and I think this poor guy was just really self-conscious & stumbled. Still, he won some money. He's in college. He'll be something one day.

This is no laughing matter. Made me a little queasy. The sick bitch. (Notice how often this shit is starting to happen? This and the teachers chasing down students to sleep with them?) Here's what I don't get: If a woman really wants to have sex, there aren't too many men who will turn her down. Chris Rock makes a hilarious joke out of it, but it's true. If you have no morals and just want to, some guy will answer the call. So... why the blue hell do these women go the sick route??? SMDH I want my great-nephew home-schooled. Or taught by eunuchs...

To get that taste of nasty off my soul, let's do something fun.

This is sick in a whole other wonderful & useless way. I don't own a TV, but if I did, I'd want this technology. I mean - damnnnn.

Hahahaha... Whoo! No words. Just no words...

Wonder how many gals are gonna take them up on this? SMH. Wow. You'd have to be completely shameless.

You know you've always wanted to ask these questions. I mean, how do they handle that in space? (I always wanted to know about toilet issues. I guess they don't do veggie juice cleanses. Yeah. Day II of this shi- I mean regimen.)

This is a feel-good story. (I'm kinda pissed that she has a boyfriend.) This is what you call doing what the hell you want - no matter who tries to limit you. I dig her guts because I never made a cheer squad. I damn near broke my ass bone trying to do cartwheels (true story). Somebody felt for me & I was on the pep squad. (Don't feel bad for me, tho. I joined ROTC for a year and was a bad-to-the-bone marksmen.)

There are just too many weird stories today. I have to stop and let B catch her breath from laughing. I will leave you with something that suits me today:

My "friends" come in all shapes and ways...


Like Rap? Ummm... Some

I got a mail about music I post here. The writer wanted to know if I like rap. Answer: Not a lot of it, but what I like I really like. I'm into positive messages - not gang-banging, excuse-making, cop-out b.s. that talks about women or sex like disposable things. To be honest, I don't know the difference between "Rap" and "Hip Hop." I don't even care. A lot of it just sounds like white noise to me with "bitch," "hoe," "nigga," and "busta cap" thrown in every few beats. So, yeah, I like some but not a lot of it. I have to think on it for a while. For now, I can name a few.

Tupac: Keep Your Head Up
Grandmaster Flash: The Message

Also, because I don't get half of what they are saying, "but I can dance to it," this one that I am so ashamed of for liking:

50 Cent/Mary J. Blige/Beyonce: "In Da Club"
I don't club anymore, so this is for exercise now.
Warning: this has foul & racial language.

And this one:
Los Mono: Se Puede
The Mono: It Can

A friend explained the lyrics to me as being totally about a positive personal vibe. He said the lyrics basically mean You can (can whatever). I'm down with that.

Lyrics in Spanish

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

tengo mas que mil infinitas posibilidades
yo, puedo hacer lo que quiera,
voy a tratar a ver si sale
a veces sale a la primera
pero primero trato
tratar es papa. para papa
yo si quiero puedo mas

porque no tengo nada que perder
lo que yo quiera yo lo voy a hacer
porque de quererlo nace el poder

yo con mi cabeza 
un par de cosas puedo hacer
pegarme cabezazos 
o empezar a comprender
que con ella una idea
puedo dar a conocer
mi manera de ver
la vida ________

Cuentate a ti mismo
un chiste que no sabes
haz una cancion
sin saber composicion
juega ajedrez 
sin entender ni como es
nada te lo impide
eres tu el que decide

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

a veces me canso me aburro
cuando no me sale me funo
me apago no duro mucho
se me cae el mundo y no lucho

dando bo bo botes hasta que caigo parado
trato como perro, me repito el plato
imposible verlo hecho si es que no lo hago
hago lo que quiero soy dueno de mi rato.

y uno y dos y tres y cuatro
la cabeza es un musculo
minusculo en algunos
si este es tu caso
ejercita dale duro
ponle de lo gueno
eres dueno de tu sueno.

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

se puede, se puede....
si quieres, si quieres....

                                            And - thanks to Google Translate, in English:

can, can ....
if you want, if you want ....

I have a thousand endless possibilities
I, I can do whatever you want,
I'll try to see if it
sometimes goes to the first
but first try
deal with is dad. for potato
I do want I can more

because I have nothing to lose
what I want I'll do
because of wanting to be born

I with my head
a couple of things I can do
hit me headers
or begin to understand
an idea that she
I can raise awareness
I see it
________ life

Cuentate yourself
a joke that you do not know
make a song
without knowing composition
play chess
understanding neither as
nothing stopping you
are you the one who decides

can, can ....
if you want, if you want ....

can, can ....
if you want, if you want ....

sometimes I get tired I get bored
when I do not leave me Funo
I turn I did not last long
I drop the world and not fight

giving bo bo stopped boats until fall
treatment as a dog, I repeat the plate
impossible to see it done if I do
I do what I am owner of my time.

and one two and three and four
mind is a muscle
miniscule in some
If this is your case
exercises give hard
ponle of gueno
You own your dream.

can, can ....
if you want, if you want ....

can, can ....
if you want, if you want ....


Back, Better & Badder

I feel so much better tonight. Thanks to the web buddies who checked in to see how I was & to my BFFs who called and told really bad jokes and lies to make me laugh. That virus or whatever I was fighting knew jujitsu or something...

My sister and I just got through laughing about this liquid vegetable binge I just started. I get on these kicks of trying to be healthy and things usually turn out weird. Since I was laid up the last few days, my little brother & I watched a bunch of Hulu & You Tube. Yesterday, we watched a video about a guy with some immune system issues. Like me, he was on prednisone (and he was fat in places) and felt like he was really out of shape. Unlike me, he is one motivated dude. He went on a 60-day liquid vegetable body-cleanse/reboot kind of thing. Sixty freaking days with no chewing.

This cleanse thing is all about getting the bad stuff out of your body and introducing good stuff. (I have quite a bit of bad stuff, things like pie, pork and carbonated beverages.) My brother "D" and I were mostly looking for laughs but turns out this guy is onto something. He lost a gang of weight and his doctor lowered his meds. I will settle for just getting some of this fat off my ass.

After we watched the video, I told D that I'd like to do something to clean out my system. He reminded me that I was still bitchy from not smoking and giving up white sugar. (I feel like I am getting better about the sugar. I'm always going to miss smoking.) I reminded him that I can do anything I put my mind to. He reminded me that this guy lived 60 days on nothing but liquids. I reminded him that I just did a hunger challenge. He reminded me that, after the challenge, almost no one in our house was speaking to me yet.

Yeah. Whatever.

Since today was my day for grocery shopping, I went and got almost all fruit & vegetables. (I say "almost" because there was the incident with the Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Cookie Sandwich. Did you know about these things? The taste-ta-licious bomb, I swear.) Anyway, I now have a fridge full of collard greens, broccoli, red cabbage, spinach, cucumber, red grapes, apples & carrots. I'm feeling a little bit like a cousin to Bugs Bunny right now.

For lunch today, I had a Magic Bullet blend of vegetables & apples. (Everybody else had salmon and rice with some butter rolls. Bastards.) My nephew J did try my healthy drink. He said it looks like sewage & tastes like grass. He's right, but the taste is not a bad thing. Kind of tastes the way fresh mown grass smells.

Now, I don't plan on the drink being my only nutrition, of course. I mean, I need my Vitamin Meat and Essential Oil of Oil. I'm good, not crazy. The thing is, I haven't been getting enough good, raw, healthy stuff into my body. And about 25 minutes after getting this good. raw and healthy stuff into me today, I know why.

If you think I had to stay near a toilet because of all the peeing I do, you should have seen me scare the hell out of my cat and the dog getting to the toilet after that drink.

Apparently, a good dose of greens and fruits will rock your world like Metamucil never could. Not to get too graphic, but I feel like that lady in the old horror movie when she said, "This house is clean." Seriously.

How the hell did I forget what veggies will do to you? I grew up with a mother who lived by the cleansing value of greens. Mama felt like everything could be cured with a little quality time on the toilet. No matter what was wrong with any of us, her first line of mothering was, "When's the last time you had a 'movement?'" (That was her ladylike way of putting what happened to me today.) No matter what was wrong with us: toothache, headache, broken heart - the first thing Mom wanted to know was about your last "movement." Mama cured all my teen angst with some greens or Castor oil. Okay, she didn't cure it, but I was scared to let it show.

(Damn, I miss that woman!)

Well, my smart-ass sister has been having fun all day now. Every time I move, she makes a joke about clearing the way to the bathroom. My little brother was nicer until about an hour ago when he left for the airport. He just had to make a crack about not wanting to squeeze me too hard while we hugged goodbye. (I know he was just keeping me from bawling. I'm a Goodbye Bawler. I don't even have to know you & I bawl at goodbyes.)

Anyway... As usual, I forgot where the hell I was going with this, but I am going to suggest that you watch the documentary about this guy. I'm going to try to do at least one or two veggie drinks a day for a while. Here is a link to his website. I watched the vid for free on Hulu here and  here is an excerpt from YouTube:

(BTW - some of the stupid shit you will hear folks say: "If I do have vegetables or fruit, it's in moderation," and "I eat no fruits and I eat no vegetables." Some guy really said that. Maybe the lack of nutrients is why he sounds so ignorantly proud of that fact. He'd have gotten no love from my mom...)